I am really not sure where to start with Boardinghouse, it's such an odd viewing experience. I even considered just not reviewing it (hey, I always have options for my blog entries), but then I realised that it was certainly one of the lesser-known films that I've laid eyes on in recent months and it would be doing a small service to others to warn them off it.
My inner alarm should have started going off immediately. Although he uses a variety of names, John Wintergate is the writer, director, AND star of this film (and he also wears a number of other hats), and I use the word "film" in the loosest sense. In fact, please assume that every word I use from now on is being used in the loosest sense. I'll try to make that obvious though.
The "plot" involves a "spooky" supernatural presence that "terrorises" some attractive women in a newly re-opened "boarding house" (the term may have a different meaning here, it really just seems like a house with a lot of renters sharing the space). "Tensions rise", there are "shocks and scares", a few "gory" moments, and an air of "mystery"about the whole thing.
There. I think I managed to highlight the correct words. I'll try to use all of the words I really want to use now, even when discussing the "actors" (that's a bit unfair actually, some do better than others).
Beginning and ending with some text onscreen that looks like it was typed out on a BBC Micro (and, for all I know, maybe it was), Boardinghouse starts off with some scenes of madness and then just continues to unfold in exactly the same tone for the rest of the runtime. It's a film made by a bunch of crack-addicted possums that have just overstuffed themselves on tasty garbage snacks and decided to steal some money to pay for some cameras and models.
The flimsy plot feels like nothing more than an excuse to gather together a bunch of pretty women and have them be onscreen at the same time as some horribly cheap "special effects" while Wintergate posits himself as some charismatic guru in amongst them all. It feels like that because that is what it is.
I cannot namecheck many of the characters, or those who played them. I cannot begin to make sense of the nonsense you get every 5-10 minutes. And I'm not going to pretend that it was laughably bad. This was just inept in almost every possible way. The audio makes you think someone is playing the soundtrack out of one window of a car that is driving around you in circles, the cinematography is awful, and it's one of those movies that even makes the infrequent gore gags and gratuitous nudity seem boring.
Not recommended, not at all, except to those who have the same level of morbid curiosity that I do. Mark it off your watchlist and then never think about it again.
2/10
Buy what you want, but preferably use a blog link and help a brother out.
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