Prime Time: The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024)

Another expansion of a horror property that nobody seemed to be crying out for, The Strangers: Chapter 1 is the first of a new trilogy in this series. All three were apparently filmed at the same time, and the series is now in the hands of Renny Harlin, who remains a shadow of his former self, in terms of his directing talent.

Maya (Madelaine Petsch) and Ryan (Froy Gutierrez) are travelling across the country when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. There's a small town, which means they're able to leave their car to get repaired and rent an isolated cabin for the night. That's when the strangers start paying attention to them. Everything starts with a knock on the door, and it soon escalates to a full campaign of terror and death.

While this is written by Alan R. Cohen and Alan Freedland, a duo who don't exactly have any major highlights in their careers, it's probably justified to give most of the credit to Bryan Bertino, creator of the original film in the series. The best bits here are the bits that replicate moments from the original movie. The rest is a whole lot of nothing, so insubstantial and weak that I am already struggling to fill out this review. Bad decisions abound, of course, and there's no attempt to make things logical or realistic (e.g. the moment a getaway in a car is foiled, subsequently showing our leads completely ignoring another vehicle that could be used). Some jump scares work, and there's an enjoyable creepiness inherent in the scenes that have our leads being unaware of characters wandering around behind them, but that's very basic stuff that almost anyone could get right.

Harlin has misplaced faith in the material, not ever thinking of ways to further liven things up or bring in enough supporting characters to multiply the opportunities for mayhem and murder, and there's absolutely nothing here that has me looking forward to the next two instalments.

Petsch and Gutierrez are both good enough in the lead roles, and both work hard to keep this watchable while working with a screenplay that doesn't treat them very well. It's a thankless task, but one they handle as well as possible. The mask-wearing strangers are portrayed well, but those performances consist mainly of head-tilts and acting unhurried when the situation is fraught with danger.

I can only think of one or two people who seemed pleased when this trilogy of films was first announced. They'll probably be happy enough with this. Personally, I don't see why you would choose to watch this when the first two films do much better work with the premise.

4/10

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April Fools: Run For Your Wife (2012)

Oh god. Oh my god. My eyes. My brain. My eyes. I expected Run For Your Wife to be bad (you'll struggle to find a kind word said about it anywhere and the limited cinema screening was a financial embarrassment) but I didn't expect it to be THIS bad. It's ONLY saved from the lowest score possible by the many fleeting cameo appearances from numerous older stars of stage and screen, which allowed me to distract myself from the pain by spotting people and trying to remember what they were best known for. Rolf Harris, Barry Cryer, Cliff Richard, Vicki Michelle, Robin Askwith, Judi Dench (how could you?) and many others turn up for a few seconds to join in with the fun, although I use the word in its loosest sense.

The plot concerns cheeky, lovable taxi driver (John Smith, played by Danny Dyer) getting hit on the head as he helps an old woman keep her handbag away from some thieves, and ending up in hospital. This makes his wife (Denise Van Outen) very worried when she realises that he didn't make it home from his shift. It also makes his other wife (Sarah Harding) very worried when she realises that he hasn't made it home from his shift. Yes, John has two wives. And now he has to do whatever it takes to stop them from finding out about each other. He ropes in his mate (Neil Morrissey) to help him, as the police want some questions answered and the local press want to do an interview with such a have-a-go hero.

This is truly awful stuff. I'm pretty sure that Danny Dyer sold his last ounce of shame about five years ago, probably in exchange for a packet of baking soda that someone convinced him was top-grade cocaine, but the other members of the cast might want to buy up every last copy of this DVD so that nobody else ever sees it. Van Outen is, surely, capable of much better than the shrill performance that she gives here, accompanied by plenty of horrible mugging. Morrissey has done plenty of comedy in his past, and has been very good at it, so he should have known better. Sarah Harding gets a pass, I guess, as the newcomer to the acting world, but her awful performance makes me hope that she doesn't try her hand at comedy again, ever. And Ben Cartwright, as the policeman trying to unravel the messy situation, struggles to get out of the whole thing with his dignity intact. He fails, but he at least tries harder than anyone else. Kellie Shirley really needs to start over, as I think she has the potential to be much better, and the least said about the stereotypes portrayed by Christopher Biggins and Lionel Blair the better.

Written and co-directed by Ray Cooney (John Luton is the other credited director), based on his stage play, this is a relic of a bygone age that hasn't been updated or improved for modern audiences, as far as I can tell. It's cringe-inducing, at best, and downright insulting on many occasions. None of the women are capable of more than panicking at the most minor mishap, or being duped by their beloved husband, and I already mentioned the characters portrayed by Biggins and Blair.

Awful, awful, awful. I don't condone violence but advise that if you ever see anyone about to buy this then you slap them in the face, just to bring them back to their senses. It's the worst British film that I've seen in decades, and the worst Danny Dyer film by far. And THAT is saying something.

2/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Run-your-Wife-DVD-2012/dp/B00CLRGWJS/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1397078273&sr=1-1&keywords=run+for+your+wife

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