Let's talk about sex.

The other evening I turned to my wife and I said the following, bizarre, sentence. "No, I'm not going to bother with A Wet Dream On Elm Street or The Human Sexipede as they are just full-on hardcore porn with nothing worth actually reviewing in them".
My wife laughed and said that I just gave her another reminder of why she loved me. I was the type of guy who DIDN'T watch porn, even when given the choice.

That's not strictly true and I wanted to take a moment to address the issue here. This blog, and most of my reviews at Flickfeast and on IMDb, covers almost every form of movie. You may dislike some of those films but I won't shy away from the likes of A Serbian Film or Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, to name just two of the more extreme examples. I think movies can entertain, can make us happy, can make us think, can scare us, can arouse us, can make us cry and can do many, many things. They can also push at the boundaries, sometimes being rejected by people and sometimes rearranging those boundaries thanks to some skill and good timing. A lot of those boundaries, nowadays and in the past, seem to want to keep us all away from sex. Why? It's NOT unhealthy to enjoy sex and an open attitude to sex. Indeed, my own interpretation of A Serbian Film was to view it as a warning that complete repression is just as bad as complete freedom. I have viewed, and occasionally still view, pornography. Of course, if asked while out and about in polite society most of us deny such things but we know it goes on. Behind closed doors. In privacy. Sometimes with a selection of moist towelettes. Or not. That last part was a joke. Honest, mum.

Yet the world of the adult movie, in the context of both the"skin flick" and the horror movie, has often helped to keep money coming in when other types of entertainment have failed. Which is why I will often make space and time here for something either as culturally impactful as Deep Throat or as cheap and cheerful as Cleavagefield. I really didn't enjoy sitting through An Erotic Werewolf In London (yeah, yeah, I know that you're rolling your eyes in disbelief now) but I wanted to see just how much parody would make up the final product - pretty much none, as it turned out - and also think that the filmography of Erin Brown AKA Misty Mundae is now of some significance to fans who have seen her move into the horror genre.

If I thought I could bring anything extra to the table, or if I had any specialist knowledge of the subject, then I would include the movies that I dismissed the other day. But I don't. So this post is just to reassure everyone that while I use my movie viewing and reviewing habit as an excuse to watch I just don't have the time or energy to watch pornography. Hopefully, you will still find the odd title reviewed here that many offend you (including the sensual but sick Singapore Sling - highly recommended) but I won't ever just talk about something that has sex and nothing more to it.*

Stay sexy, people.

*Fans of pornography will argue that some of it can be crafted with skill and artistry, I am speaking in a very general manner.

Oh, you might want to avoid this blog whenever I finally start to make my way through my Russ Meyer boxset though.

Cleavagefield (2009)

Director Jim Wynorski, many years ago, used to direct quality schlock and provided genre fans with the dubious classic killer robot flick, Chopping Mall. Nowadays, he still directs schlock but he's amassed a HUGE number of softcore movies in his filmography. Many of them also have fantastic titles. The Da Vinci Coed, The Hills Have Thighs, The Devil Wears Nada. As a sucker for a good pun, I love these titles even though I have no interest in the kind of movies that they're attached to. Occasionally, however, I just have to watch some parody to see if it can possibly live up to such a title. Cleavagefield is one example, I just couldn't resist myself from wanting to see a film with such a superb title.

The movie begins with a woman running round a street corner to hide from a monster that looks a bit like Godzilla. That's the CARTOON Godzilla. The creature moves unconvincingly forward, looking for all the world like a novelty balloon, and then the camera moves in to focus on the fearful woman's breasts. From then on we get a succession of sex scenes, intersperesed with a number of "real footage" moments. All of the sex is raunchy but soft (plenty of female nudity while erections are kept hidden away) and there's no denying that most of the women onscreen are very attractive though I don't know who any of them are. Honest.
About twenty minutes into the movie, mass destruction occurs. Which means we get a lot of dodgy computer effects, the return of that laughable monster and shots of women runnin in panic while making sure they jiggle in all the right places. Once a safe haven is found then more sex can be had. And, of course, the cameraman can always reminisce about the great recording he made in Hawaii with two giggly blonde women who were able to pleasure each other by writhing naked against each other, sometimes facing in opposite directions. Back out on the streets, the women are slimed by the monster but it's okay because they spot a nearby massage parlour to hide in. To hide and shower in. To hide and shower and find ways to say "I lesbian you" in. You can imagine how the rest of the movie plays out. It's all pretty much the same.
And then there's the soundtrack that features songs with the astounding lyrics "I need your love, I've got to have it" and, instant classic status assured, "pussy pussy bang bang".

Of course, the acting is pretty dire but everyone is full of good humour and goes along with the silliness of it all. Tallulah Blankhead is the woman who gets the initial attention but then it's Brandee Schaefer (aka Brandin Rackley) who is the nominal lead. Amy Ried co-stars alongside buxom Rebecca Love, lucky cameraman Frankie Cullen, Lucia Santos, Julie K. Smith (playing the typical unprofessional doctor who often appears in this type of thing) and Davina Murphy and Dallas Lowe as those giggling blondes. There are some other men onscreen but I doubt that the target audience will be interested in learning their names.

The script is actually fitfully amusing and throws in some random quips as well as poking fun at itself. For this particular subgenre, this actually has a wit that almost makes the whole thing closer to something altogether passable. Almost.

It is what it is. Those seeking fun with plenty of screentime for busty, naked women may enjoy it or they may seek out some stronger material. It's a mixture of naughty and sweet that works surprisingly well.

5/10 

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