Mummy Raider AKA Misty Mundae: Erotic Raider (2002)

Yep, it's time for me to review another adult movie. Why? Well, because sex sells, of course. And there was a time when Erin Brown was a relatively big star in the field of softcore adult entertainment. I don't know why, most of the films that she starred in appear to have been pretty awful (from my limited exposure to them, so far), but it happened. And I'm happy to use that as an excuse to look over her filmography from time to time.

Everything here takes place in Berlin. We know this because there's a photo of some environment shown with the word "Berlin" on it. The plot, and it pains me to use that word, of this movie is all about a nasty Nazi (played by Ruby Larocca, billed here as Esmerelda DeLarocca) trying to make a young woman (Darian Caine) give her the secret to resurrecting the dead, which will allow her to bring a mummy back to life, and will also help in creating the Fourth Reich, apparently. The Nazi tortures her captive with a cunning blend of atrocious acting and lesbianism. Thankfully, Misty Mundae: Mummy Raider (played by, duh, Misty Mundae) is about to crash the party and rescue her friend. She does this by shooting guns and often removing her top, as a way to distract the villains, you understand. Once the lame action moments are out of the way, Mundae and Caine get their lesbian groove on, before then attempting to change DeLarocca with the power of lesbianism. And that's it. Oh, and lesbian sex, lesbian sex, lesbian sex. Just thought I'd emphasise what's being put onscreen as the main draw for any male viewers thinking about giving this a watch.

I've never fully understood the lure of a lot of pornography (although some of it has obvious appeal, aesthetically), but the one thing that has always completely boggled my mind is the insistence from dumb, horny men that being anywhere near two women making out with one another is the best thing ever. It can be nice enough to look at, granted, but why can't men just shake off the delusion that they'd somehow be able to join in with the fun and have the best time of their life. First of all, if women are having that kind of fun together then why would they want some clumsy guy trying to barge in and get his rocks off? Second, how awkward would the whole situation be after those happy two minutes had come and gone?

Anyway, I digress. I apologise. Believe me, this all keeps the review on a par with the movie. Despite IMDb listing a UK version that runs for 75 minutes, the movie that I saw ran for about 46 minutes and barely qualified as a feature. Consider the fact that 2 minutes, approximately, are taken up by the opening credits and the last 8 minutes or so repeats horribly edited highlights of what YOU'VE JUST WATCHED, followed by the end credits.

Fair play, I guess, to director Brian Paulin and writer Bruce G. Hallenbeck (who also has a main role in the movie as the father of Darian Caine's character). They saw a market and they created a product for it. But anyone wanting to see some terrible actresses get naked and fool around could do a lot better than this, a film so bad that I was distracted by labels on boxes that made up the scenery because they listed the contents as chicken pies, something I didn't know was a priority in the Berlin of old.

Absolutely everything, outwith the appeal of the female stars, is awful, from the soundtrack, to the action, to the appearance of one of the worst mummies to ever appear in a movie, to the editing, to the script. Everything. It gets a generous rating for the benefit of anyone easily pleased by a couple of scenes of lesbian sex.

3/10

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An Erotic Werewolf In London (2006)

How could I have been so silly? I saw this title and immediately thought “hmmm, I wonder just how closely they decided to stick to the plot of An American Werewolf In London?”

How foolish I was.

The plot (and I use the word in the loosest sense) is all about a woman who is also a werewolf, getting all furry and fanged when she’s having an orgasm. When she wanders into a lesbian sex bar to ask if she can call a cab (as you do)  she proceeds to have lesbian sex with a girl who has just finished having lesbian sex with her partner. At the height of these sexy proceedings the werewolf lady gets all wolfy and bites the girl, who then has to go to hospital. Werewolf lady keeps tracking other women to have sex with and bite while victim number one wakes up in hospital and finds herself being turned all furry and fanged during a heated bout of lesbian sex. Meanwhile, a female journalist from “The Limey” newspaper interviews the werewolf lady before going out of her way to help the first victim.

You’ll notice from the brief, and lazy (I just don’t have the energy to waste on this trash), description above that lesbian sex features a lot in this film. That is, in fact, all that the movie has going for it, if you’re into that kinda thing. I’m not. In fact, I’ll astonish many a red-blooded male by saying that I was thoroughly bored after the first 5 minutes.

Misty Mundae plays victim number one and has a large fanbase for a reason. She’s quite cute and is the one person who comes closest to actually acting on occasion. Anoushka, playing the cannily titled Anoushka The Werewolf, is bloody awful, Zoe Moonshine playing the reporter is . . . . . . . . bloody awful and every other buxom lesbian/latent lesbian onscreen is . . . . . . . . . bloody awful.

William Hellfire (hmmm, I am thinking that he’s using a fake name there) claims to have wrote and directed the thing though I’m amazed that anyone would put their name to this dross. The script is, of course, laughable but people don’t watch this kind of thing for ear-tickling dialogue. It’s all about the sex scenes, which are repetitive and laughable, especially when women are supposedly turning into werewolves in the heat of passion. I’m not even sure if this thing qualifies as a feature, coming in at just under 70 minutes in length, and that’s padded out by ridiculously edited insert shots and annoying, random images.

 

Oh, and in case you’re in any doubt, there is nothing here except the title that gives a passing nod to the classic John Landis movie. The final rating is raise slightly for the benefit of those who seek out this film for its simple aesthetic highlights. 

3/10

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