Prime Time: Stormswept (1995)

A dark and stormy night. A group of people together in an isolated location. A past ready to impinge on the present. We are in classic slasher movie territory with Stormswept, which makes it a bit strange, and surprising, when it turns into more of an erotic thriller. That surprise lessens when you realise that this is from David and Svetlana Marsh, the pair behind many other, more straightforward, sex films of the 1980s (and it is also telling that this feels like a 1980s movie, despite being released in the mid-1990s).

Apparently, according to the plot synopsis of this film that can be found on IMDb, and elsewhere, this is all about six people “haunted by the spirit of a demented slave master with an insatiable erotic appetite”. You can accept as much, or little, of that as you wish. It doesn’t really change the movie, which simply throws together people who want to have lots of sexy time, adds some sub/dom scenes here and there, and at least tries to keep things nicely atmospheric for most of the runtime.

I am STILL unsure what my final thoughts are on Stormswept. In some ways it was an odd mess, but part of that stems from me not knowing what to expect from it. As a tame horror film with an emphasis on erotic moments, it actually works (and the genre blend is certainly better here than it is with more pornographic horror works . . . just never let curiosity get the better of you when it comes to The XXXorcist). It doesn’t really matter that the characters are pretty interchangeable, or that the script is weak. It doesn’t even matter that the slim plot feels as if everything has been made up on the spot. The fact that the final scene ends with some kind of sitcom-style punctuating dialogue? It doesn’t matter.

Justin Carroll is the male lead, but he’s obviously second fiddle to all of the main females. Melissa Moore and Julie Hughes do well enough in their roles, Lorissa McComas was very pleasing on the eye, and Kathleen Kinmont tries hard, having to play someone who spends the entire movie hiding away in the basement. There are others onscreen, with Hunt Scarritt being arguably the only other male to make any impact on the plot, but Moore, Hughes, and McComas are the ones who are given the most to do.

David Marsh directs competently enough, he does better there than he does in his co-writing role, and he knows how to keep the camera flattering the women as they start to lose items of clothing. That may be all you want from this kind of film, but it’s admirable that it at least tries to do a bit more. I don’t think it is being too hyperbolic to mention that the film feels as indebted to something like The Haunting as it feels indebted to so many other films from the decade preceding it.

I must, however, finish with a word of warning to all, taken from the IMDb trivia section for this movie - “absolute no owls appear, are heard or are referenced in the film, despite the poster”. I am sorry to be the bearer of such bad news, especially those of you who read this review and thought you were due to get the sexiest owl-filled horror movie of your life.

6/10

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Samurai Cop (1989)

Let's not waste any time here getting to the point. Samurai Cop is inept nonsense that looks as if it was edited and put together by a team of blind chimpanzees. The acting from everyone onscreen is horrible, not helped at all by horrible ADR, and the main man both looks and acts like some dark-haired Johnny Bravo let loose in an adult world. Written and directed by Amir Shervan, it's hard to tell whether or not it was ever supposed to be played out as a serious action thriller. Sexism, sadism, casual racism, it's all here. The whole thing is awful which means that it's also pretty hilarious, if you view it in the right frame of mind.

The story, as slim as it is, concerns a big Japanese gang that is taking over the city (thanks, in no small part, to a main henchman played by the mighty Robert Z'Dar). To stop the gang, the local cops bring in Joe "Samurai Cop" Marshall (Matt Hannon), a man who spends his time either fighting people, trying to chat up women or . . . . . . . sleeping with women (including an officer named Peggy, played by Melissa Moore - billed as Melisa Moore - who is portrayed as a bit of a nymphomaniac for no reason whatsoever). His partner is Frank Washington (Mark Frazer), a black cop happily playing second fiddle to Joe while also . . . . . . . . . . ummmmm . . . . . no, actually that's it. He shoots a few people, sure, but he looks up to Joe at every opportunity like a child seeking approval from an inattentive father. The bodycount starts to rise, the Police Captain (Dale Cummings) starts to complain about a foot going up his ass leading to a foot going up there ass and people all having sore asses. Or something. I'd lost half of my braincells at that point. Weak action sequences are intersperses with moments of gratuitous nudity for just over ninety minutes and then the end credits roll, featuring a cast list of names such as Miceal Jackson, Gabriel and Holland as some kind of one last finger up to the viewer for enduring such nonsense.

In terms of traditional filmmaking this is a 1/10 movie, but in terms of sheer entertainment, thanks to the comedy (unintentional or not), it's pretty much a 10/10, hence my rating that puts it slap bang in the middle. Matt Hannon and Mark Frazer make one of the least convincing cop duos that I've ever seen while Robert Z'Dar is amusingly over the top for his every moment onscreen. Krista Lane plays a flame-haired female member of the gang, who doesn't do all that much apart from look pretty, and I'm happy to admit that I was shallow enough to enjoy her presence as she sometime hung around and looked pretty. Jannis Farley also seems to have been hired for her ability to look pretty and I also enjoyed her scenes. As already mentioned, Melissa Moore is saddled with a completely bizarre bit of characterisation and Dale Cummings goes through every page of "How To Be An Angry Police Captain For Dummies."

Writer-director Shervan certainly never lets things get dull, which is another saving grace for the movie. There are chases, fights and/or deaths every other scene. None of it makes a lick of sense, there are more than a few moments that may be viewed as outright offensive to some and none of the characters are at all likable, but it's entertaining for all the wrong reasons. If you're not won over by the time our hero is brought down to Earth with a bump and dismissed by a sexy nurse then you may as well switch off the movie because that one moment exemplifies how this atrocious piece of work can gleam like gold. Fool's gold, but gold nonetheless.

5/10

http://www.amazon.com/Samurai-Special-Edition-Robert-ZDar/dp/B00BFNJHCI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1364145319&sr=8-1&keywords=samurai+cop