Blood Theatre (1984)

I wasn’t alarmed when I saw that Blood Theatre was written and directed by Rick Sloane. I wasn’t all that alarmed to see that he had also produced it. Then I saw that he was the main editor. And he did the score. And some of the visual effects. Uh oh. There may be a number of other people involved, but this is very much a Rick Sloane production.

The plot, and I am using that term in the loosest possible sense, revolves around a theatre that was once burnt down by a betrayed lover. When I say “burnt down”, however, I actually mean that it was filled with smoke and then sat empty for some time. A cinema chain buys the theatre, sending staff there to prepare it for business, and more smoke starts to appear, as well as a killer spirit.

First of all, you have to go into Blood Theatre knowing that it isn’t a straight horror. It is attempting to be a horror comedy. The comedy may not really work, but some moments come closer than others (and I did like the exasperated attitude of the cinema employees who feel harried when they have to deal with one or two customers). 

Second, you have to go into Blood Theatre knowing that it was made with what appears to be a budget so low that I would be surprised if they could even afford enough film for any second takes, which would explain a lot.

Third, and this is just an assumption, nobody onscreen here managed to use this as a starting point for a long and varied filmography. There’s a small role for Mary Woronov (an actress recognisable to genre fans), but nobody else was selected for their acting prowess. Joanna Morales, billed as Joanna Foxx, seems to have been cast for her lack of inhibition. And this is an approach that worked fairly well for Sloane in his later movies (particularly the Vice Academy movies).

If you can put up with the sheer ineptitude on display, you also get some disappointingly tame kills, some gratuitous nudity, an enjoyably daffy snippets of the films being screened in the cinema (one titled “Clown Whores Of Hollywood” - wow), an amusing turn from Rob-Roy Fletcher as Dean Murdock, the employer hoping to make a success of the new cinema purchase, and numerous bizarre audio cues, or lack thereof, that show the fast and loose approach to any actual film-making technique. There are also some cheerleaders, just to randomly . . . add some cheerleaders into the mix.

Terrible, but surprisingly entertaining. 

4/10

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Vice Academy Part 2 (1990)

Yes, I like to mix things up in my viewing schedule. And I like to keep a good mix of reviews on my blog. Which is why I didn’t use the space today to review The Great Beauty, which I watched just before this. I am also waiting for the right time to put down my thoughts on the excellent The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford. Which is why you now have some words here on a film that barely feels like a film, Vice Academy Part 2.

A number of people return to reprise their roles from the first movie. The warring Holly Wells (Ginger Lynn) and Didi (Linnea Quigley) are still fairly new recruits in the world of the police. They are forced to work together, setting out to thwart a plan by Spanish Fly (Marina Benvenga) to pollute the water supply with an aphrodisiac concoction. They also need to work together to prove to the cocky Petrolino (Scott Layne) that women can be just as good at police work as men. 

Don’t worry. None of the plot here involves anything remotely close to actual police work. It is, once again, an excuse to make bad jokes, throw around some gratuitous nudity, and belatedly parody Robocop with a new member of the squad being tested (BimboCop, played by Teagan Clive).

Rick Sloane is the man responsible for all of this, again, giving himself the role of writer-director-producer with his main aim to make something cheap ‘n’ cheerful that will titillate fans of the leading ladies. Never mind trying to cover up the low budget, never mind attempting anything logical, this is a slight sketch stretched out to feature length. And it was even stretched out to a few more sequels after this.

Lynn and Quigley are quite bad, but that is part of the charm for anyone, like myself, who considers themselves a fan. I will watch Quigley in anything, and I have, and her constant overacting is inextricably part of her onscreen persona. Layne is a decent enough meathead, who you look forward to seeing mistreated, and Jayne Hamil is once again a bit of fun in the role of Miss Devonshire, the boss who tries to manage our leads. Clive is okay as BimboCop, despite the joke falling flat from the start, and Benvenga is a fun, non-threatening, villain. Nobody else is worth mentioning, with the exception of Jo Steele in the role of Jeannie, an attractive colleague who usually works on the switchboard.

You should already know whether or not you will already give it your time. It is, in many ways, absolutely terrible. It is also a bit better than the first movie. I wouldn’t rush to rewatch any of these, but I won’t hate myself for giving them some of my time. Although I don’t know if that sentiment will change when I eventually check out the rest of the movies in the series.

5/10

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Vice Academy (1989)

It’s easy to remember the cinematic trends that ended up making a huge impact. The template for buddy cop flicks, for example. Superhero-populated cinematic universes. Films about little creatures that came out not long after Gremlins. But it’s also worth noting the cinematic trends that came and went without making anywhere near the same amount of impact. Like the films that came along after Police Academy. Not only did you get a number of forgettable comedy films about hopeless amateurs being thrown into situations way over their heads, there were also a number of films that tried to cash in on that film’s success by cannily re-using the word “academy” in the title. I have seen Combat Academy (starring Keith Gordon, and also featuring a role for one George Clooney). I never did see Mortuary Academy (which I do want to see). And now I have finally seen Vice Academy.

Written and directed by Rick Sloane, Vice Academy is a paper-thin comedy with very few laughs, although there are one or two there for the more forgiving viewer. The best way to view it is simply as a fan of some of  the stars, and those stars are Linnea Quigley, Ginger Lynn, and Karen Russell. So you should know what kind of film you are in for.

If you think I have forgotten to mention the plot, I haven’t. The plot is irrelevant. Essentially about some hopeless trainees working towards earning a spot in the vice squad. Those trainees are played by Quigley, Russell, and Ken Abraham. They aren’t impressing their teacher/boss (Jayne Hamil), and their progress is being hampered by the “good girl” scheming to ensure they fail (played by Ginger Lynn). But maybe they can accidentally find a way to show everyone how good they are before the end credits roll, even if they still never actually seem to deserve their chances.

Technically, this is lousy. It feels cheap and rushed throughout, the acting from everyone involved is far from great, and the plot could have been written down on the back of a small sachet of salt. There’s nothing of note in any part of the production, from the camerawork to the editing, from the production design to the score. Having said that, it at least sometimes attempts to look more like a film than a cheap project allowing friends to work together in some nice house they have found (*cough* David DeCoteau *cough).

You don’t put on a film like Vice Academy when you want to watch an actual good movie. It is the epitome of something to watch with “beer and pizza”, even if you don’t indulge in either of those things. Switch your brain off, wait for the occasional bit of nudity, and keep your frame of mind receptive to humour that wouldn’t feel out of place in a Fred Olen Ray movie, or even a tame Troma flick.

4/10

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