Netflix And Chill: No Panic, With A Hint Of Hysteria (2016)

A bizarre comedy noir that feels like something that could have worked in better hands, No Panic, With A Hint Of Hysteria is one of the many titles in the filmography of Polish writer-director Tomasz Szafranski. Having started his career in his early twenties, Szafranski has been working in film and TV now for just over two full decades. I don't know if his other work tends to be better than this, but I'm certainly not enthused to be exploring more of his work after getting through this one.

Alexander Chance plays Toby, an accountant who is trying to move into the more lucrative role of hitman. He is being mentored by Fakir (Toasz Karolak), but isn't really showing himself as a natural fit for the job. A disastrous convergence of unfortunate events lead to Toby and his wife (Melanie, played by Charlotte Kirk) trying to dispose of a corpse, dealing with someone Toby quite rightly assumed was already dead, and placating various dangerous characters while avoiding too much attention from the police.

Set up as a classic farce, and low-key enough for most of the runtime to feel as if it's been adapted from a stage play, No Panic, With A Hint Of Hysteria feels overdone, mishandled, decades too late, and (ironically enough) just poorly executed in almost every way. Szafranski clearly knew what he wanted to deliver, but he ties one hand behind his back from the very start by assembling such a weak cast.

Chance is arguably the biggest weakness, considering his character is the focus of pretty much every scene. It's a role that requires someone who can perform with the required comedy skills, appeal, and physical prowess, and Chance appears to have none of those things. Having him acting alongside Charlotte Kirk doesn't help, her being a performer yet to show any talent worthy of some of the roles she has managed to bag, and watching her and Chance interact is the cinematic equivalent of a fish trying to ride a bicycle. It's unnatural, and it just doesn't work. Karolak only has a few scenes, Stephen Baldwin has a central role (and tries hard, but is hampered by the material . . . and by being more affordable and available than Alec for a reason), and other people have to spend time looking mean or dopey while Szafranski continues to move the pieces into place for the finale. Magdalena Lamparska is a highlight as Kamila, we'll call her The Woman In Red, but she's sidelined almost immediately after making a strong impression in her very first scenes.

The convoluted plotting doesn't give you anything to care about, the comedy doesn't work, and the cast give nothing. The visual style throughout is admittedly decent (shout out to cinematographer Michael Grabowski and the others who helped maintain the specific palette), with muted colours and framing emphasising the noir over the comedy, but that's a very minor saving grace in a film far too overstuffed with mis-steps and major failings, including a poor score from Luke Corradine. No need to panic though, this is one easily avoided. I just happened to find it buried on Netflix, and I should have left it buried. Considering one of the main plot points, the irony is not lost on me.

2/10

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Prime Time: The Usual Suspects (1995)

An astonishingly accomplished second film from director Bryan Singer and writer Christopher McQuarrie, who had previously worked together on their debut, Public Access, The Usual Suspects holds up as well today as it did when it was first released. Almost.

The story concerns five criminals who end up brought together by the police during an investigation. They are Keaton (Gabriel Byrne), Hockney (Kevin Pollak), McManus (Stephen Baldwin), Fenster (Benicio Del Toro), and Verbal (Kevin Spacey), and all five end up working together on a job that seems quite simple and profitable. Things soon become more complicated, however, when they are all informed that they have unwittingly crossed paths with a major criminal figure known as Keyser Söze. They now owe Söze, and he has a big job planned for them. This is all told to the viewer through flashbacks, with us hearing the tale as Verbal tells it to a tenacious cop named Dave Kujan (Chazz Palminteri). What starts off as the investigation of a heist gone wrong soon turns into a determined quest to uncover the real identity of Keyser Söze.

There's still a LOT here to enjoy, if you're a film fan or a noir fan, but rewatching The Usual Suspects is a way to savour many little details (mainly the nuances in the great performances from the ensemble cast) and pick apart a number of threads that don't seem to make sense. McQuarrie's script puts the emphasis on cool ahead of believability, but that's not a terrible thing when the dialogue is as crackling with energy as this is.

Singer directs with an assured hand, but he has such great source material to work with. The script is matched by the cast, and everything is lifted up by the editing and score from John Ottman. As much as I have enjoyed many films from Singer, he helps himself a lot by often combining the best cast with a good script (and we've subsequently seen the messy result when one of those elements isn't as strong as it could be).

Spacey is excellent as the figure at the centre of the spiderwebbing plot, a man forced into telling a tale to authorities that he hopes to use to avoid major jail time. Keaton lends weight to the central motley crew, the most serious figure forced to work alongside a group of skilled crooks who are more likely to land themselves in hot water than a big payday, and Pollak, Baldwin, and Del Toro are all excellent, with the latter having particular fun as he delivers his lines as unintelligibly as possible. Palminteri is enjoyably stern and tenacious, the cop probing even further as he feels himself getting increasingly closer to the full truth of the situation, and there are fun turns from Dan Hedaya, Peter Greene, Giancarlo Esposito, and Pete Postlethwaite, as well as one or two others (Suzy Amis is one of the few female characters, but she's given very little to work with).

Very rewatchable, and a lot of fun from start to finish, this remains a pretty great film. It just loses some power when you know what's coming, and when you can some time mulling over some of the more improbable plotting. Still highly recommended though, and certainly one that you need to watch if you've somehow not yet got around to it.

8/10

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Shark In Venice (2008)

I am pretty convinced that nowadays most of the Baldwin clan just meet up once a week to bask in the glow of Alec's career because none of the others have been able to sustain a successful career once they had to offer people more than just the famous surname. Does that sound harsh? Well, I just sat through Shark In Venice (starring Stephen Baldwin) and you probably didn't. If you still want to watch it after reading this review then . . . . . . well . . . . .  I'd do the same so I can't hold it against you.

In case you're wondering if the title is a metaphor for some deep, troubling life issues then fear not. This film is about a shark in Venice. Stephen Baldwin plays someone who goes to Venice (with his partner, Laura, played by Vanessa - not Scarlett - Johansson) because his father was diving there and may be in trouble or even dead. After mere minutes in the city, he sees some dead bodies and starts insisting that there are sharks in the waters of Venice. He doesn't quite come out and say it, but it's the "this was no boating accident" homage. Anyway, there's a tough cop on the scene (Hilda van der Meulen), a shark and a serious criminal type (Giacomo Gonnella). And the shark is the best actor out of the lot.

Directed by Danny Lerner (who also directed Shark Zone and Raging Sharks, among others), and written by Les Weldon (who formed the story WITH Lerner, because you just can't think this stuff up all alone, hell no), Shark In Venice is laughably bad from start to finish.

Stephen Baldwin may not be the greatest actor in the world, but I've seen him do better than this. Perhaps the will to live started to leave his body as soon as he signed on to star in the film, I don't know. Scarle . . . . Vanessa Johansson is okay, she's the best of a bad bunch even though she's stuck with the same horrible script as everyone else. Hilda van der Meulen is terrible, Giacomo Gonnella is just as bad and the many generic henchmen run through the checklist as set out in "So You Want To Be A Generic Henchman?" - THE essential guide for those not wanting to be an evil leader but still wanting to take their place on the career ladder of crime.

Is it really as bad as I'm making it out to be? Well, despite one or two moments that use some fast editing to show the shark chomping on some divers, yes it is. The presence of the big fin is the reason it gets any points at all, unlike some movies that have shark in the title and then just try to show one decent shot in the last five minutes of the film. This is a film that shows a leg being bitten off during a scene in which a shark attacks one man left alone in the water before just carrying on with the rest of the movie while showing that same man as someone still very much classed among the bipedals of the world. I think that sums up the carelessness and laziness that the film seems to have throughout. Hence this review, something I tried to make into a bit of fun to help myself and any others who made it all the way through Shark In Venice. And I didn't even squeeze in my lame gag about The Bridge Of Sighs. Oh well, perhaps I can find some context for it when I finally review Don't Look Now.

2/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Shark-in-Venice-DVD/dp/B001CD3PJM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1365725401&sr=8-1&keywords=shark+in+venice