Clementine (2004)

Sad news for anyone hoping to read the weekly Seagal spot (if there's anyone insane enough to be in that situation). There's no place for the slap-happy chappy this week.

I tried and tried and tried but all to no avail - I just couldn't find Clementine anywhere at all (well, except for about £18 on Amazon and I'll be damned if I'm going to pay out that kind of cash just for a potential stinker of a film). Who would have guessed that a Seagal movie would be harder to find than some ex-video nasties? Apparently, he only appears in the thing for about 5 minutes but I'm still disappointed at missing this one out and will endeavour to get to it if/when the opportunity arises.

So, for the benefit of anyone mad enough to want some kind of Seagal fix, I present you with my very own Seagal megamix.

Steven Seagal stars in The Foreigner Is Marked Out To Deal Death To Justice.

Act 1: Seagal is leading a bunch of men who are wearing dark clothing and hold guns as if they've been trained by some of the best, and cheapest, weapons handlers in Hollywood. A building is stormed. Lots of stuntmen earn their paychecks. Seagal looks stern. He disregards some important order to save the lives of others but this just ends up leading to the explodification of the whole building with all of Seagal's men dead and a big baddie who has managed to flee.
Seagal turns to look at his unbelievably beautiful wife and lovely daughter, who have both come to stand and watch him do his stuff (it's "bring your family to work day" in his Black Ops unit, others are also crowded around and some are eating cookies). Seagal looks concerned. Two bricks that have been blown from the building land on the smiling faces of his family. And they're dead.

Act 2: (5 years later) Seagal is no longer a violent man and has, in fact, become the best children's entertainer the world has ever known. Because Seagal is the bestest ever at everything he fucking does. His clown persona, Loose Brie the cheese-loving fool, is a hit wherever he goes. But bad memories arise when Loose Brie turns up to entertain some kids and realises that the father is the baddie who fled the exploding house that accidentally on purpose killed his family. The painted smile hides growing anger. When the party is over, Seagal tries to contact his old bosses and get them to take action but they're not interested. A house was blown up, people died, they're not even allowed any more "bring your family to work" days. Move on. Seagal refuses.

Act 3: Seagal tries to get closer to the big baddie who evaded him all those years ago. Meanwhile, everyone he has ever known and worked with tries to kill him. And the same thing happens in the movie.

Act 4: Seagal helps a poor woman who then falls in love with him but he tells her that he has one last job to do before he can return to what he does best: raising smiles on the faces of children and curing cancer with the power of his chi (oh, this isn't specified but only implied, as it is in every Seagal movie). He then goes into a whirling slo-mo, choppily edited frenzy of destruction and man-slapping before facing up to the baddie who escaped at the very beginning. The baddie hides behind his youngest child. Seagal jumps up in the air and spinning roundhouse kicks the villain out of the window to land with a crunch outside, deadified. The child begins to cry and asks why he would do such a thing. Seagal replies: "your father had a face painted in lies and greed, nobody gets to clown around forever".

Seagal walks out in slow motion.