Thursday, 22 March 2018

Witchcraft 7: Judgement Hour (1995)

I know what you're thinking. Why would I continue to subject myself to the awfulness of this series? And why would I force you all to read reviews of these films? Well, because I said I would see this through to the bitter end, and if I am going to suffer then you can all suffer too.

Will Spanner (this time played by David Byrnes) is once again helping the police to find an evil killer. The police are Garner (John Cragen) and Lutz (Alisa Christensen), the villains are Mr Hassa (Loren Schmalle) and his right hand men, Vontana (Jason Edwards) and Costanza (Eryk Sobesto). And there are lots of women onscreen to bare their breasts in almost every other scene.

This is directed by Michael Paul Girard, who wrote the fourth film in the series, and written by Peter E. Fleming (who also wrote the previous film), based on a story by Jerry Feifer. I would say it's a terrible film, but that pretty much goes unsaid by now. The series is what it is, tenuously connected softcore romps that use an implausible supernatural framework to host some tame sex scenes.

But if you thought any of the previous instalments were bad, you're going to have a horrible time with this one. The acting is atrocious from everyone involved. EVERYONE. The leads are awful, the supporting players are worse, it's almost as if the director told his cast that the person who gave the worst performance would get some huge bonus on payday. As well as those already mentioned, that includes April Breneman (as Keli, the partner of Spanner), Michael Altan, Ashlie Rhey, and Mai-Lis Holmes (who is at least more fun onscreen than anyone else).

The script is as muddled and messy as other Witchcraft movies, but with added vampirism (which allows people the chance to wear amusing false fangs), and even less of an attempt to make the characters more than the most paper-thin walking cliches. The dialogue between the two cops and their superior officer sounds like something that could have been written for an episode of Angie Tribeca.

At least I was able to laugh while the film was on, whether it was at the script, the acting, or the not-so-special effects. Say what you like about this series, each instalment is silly enough to save you from wanting to self-lobotomise before the end credits roll. And that is about the only thing I can say to recommend this, and many of the other instalments.


As Witchcraft VII: Judgement Hour is currently unavailable, use this general link instead to do some shopping.

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