If the world was crying out for a comedic reboot of the Anaconda movie series then nobody decided to mention that to me. There's a chance that the world wasn't crying out for such a thing, but then . . . why would this exist otherwise?
Jack Black plays Doug McCallister, a man stuck making wedding videos when he really wants to be directing movies. His long-time friend, Ronald Griffin Jr. (Paul Rudd), is an actor unable to really gain any momentum in his career. Ronald doesn't have much going for him, but he does have the rights to Anaconda, apparently, which leads to him convincing Doug, Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) to travel to the Amazon and rework a movie they all have a strangely strong connection with. They meet Ana (Daniela Melchior) once over there, a capable woman who ends up being added to the small cast of their movie, and eventually also meet a very real, and very large, anaconda.
Written by Kevin Etten and directed by Tom Gormican, who both entertained me with their last collaboration, The Unbearable Weight Of Massive Talent, this is one of the strangest and least satisfying mainstream movies I have watched in some time. Okay, I wasn't exactly hyped for this when I first heard about the tonal change in the series, but I still assumed that my appreciation of the main cast members would allow me to get some enjoyment from it. I was VERY wrong.
Jack Black can be very funny, Paul Rudd is someone I consider a bit of a treasure, Steve Zahn has been delivering delightful turns for decades now, and Thandiwe Newton has done enough good work by now to make me forgive her stilted performance in the second Mission: Impossible movie. I want to be clear about how much I like all of these people in the right movies. This is not the right movie. It's a tonal mess that doesn't do well enough with the jokes about film-making, doesn't deliver any proper snakey thrills, and doesn't have anything else going for it, with the exception of a couple of fun cameos. Zahn is a highlight, but Dan Silveira upstages everyone as a snake-handler named Timo who has the advantage of possessing a snake that he claims is friendly and obedient, despite the size of the thing. Melchior, and the entire sub-plot that she's involved with, feels completely unnecessary, and I would have much preferred the movie to concentrate on the other added conflict that is brought up at just around the halfway mark before being fumbled and discarded within the space of a few scenes.
Undemanding viewers should still find one or two chuckles here, but they're too few and far between throughout the 99-minute runtime. Other than those fleeting bright spots, nothing else works. At all. And it's saying something when you watch a 2025 Anaconda movie and start thinking fondly of the uneven special effects in the 1997 film.
Maybe not the worst mainstream movie I've seen this decade, but I am currently struggling to think of one I would rank below it.
3/10
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