Witness Infection (2020)

A comedy horror movie that is neither funny enough nor scary enough, and doesn't even do a good enough job with some lashings of gore and carnage, Witness Infection is almost a textbook example of how NOT to deliver a zombie comedy. The fact that it is written by two of the stars should have set my Spidey-sense tingling.

Robert Belushi plays Carlo, a nice young man who happens to be the son of a mobster (played by Carlos Alazraqui). He has a brother (Dominic, played by Bret Ernst) who is more at ease with their mobster status, but Carlo is required to marry his brother's girlfriend (Patricia, played by Erinn Hayes) in order to make peace between his family and that of a rival mobster (played by Maurice LaMarche). Carlo puts his foot down, but his timing couldn't be worse. Some bad sausage has created an outbreak of zombiefication.

I've previously seen The Funhouse Massacre from director Andy Palmer, which showed that he could make an enjoyable comedy horror movie, but this film makes him look a lot less competent, and a lot of that is down to the script, although a few of the performances also don't help matters. Written by Alazraqui and Jill-Michele Melean, this is a film that seems to have been written by two people who have only ever seen the weaker movies in the zombie sub-genre. Or maybe they just watched Cooties (which I know many people liked more than I did) and figured that was enough research to give them a solid grounding to work from. They were very wrong. And what you end up with is a mix of characters that it is very difficult to care about, sloppy effects, and a sorry dearth of laughs. I understand that the effects may result from a not-entirely-successful crowdfunding attempt (5% of their flexible goal was raised) to add more to the movie once filming had finished. Maybe there's a lesson there, one in which people are reminded to try and use some inventiveness and actual heart instead of relying on money to patch over shoddy work.

Belushi isn't terrible in his main role, but he often feels sidelined as the zombie plot unfolds. The fact that there's no feeling of any real threat doesn't help, it means that viewers are never all that invested in his journey. Melean does better onscreen than she does with the writing, playing Gina, the woman that Carlo is genuinely interested in having a relationship with. Alazraqui and LaMarche are fine in their roles, Hayes does well with what she's given, and Tara Strong is always welcome onscreen (although she doesn't get to do a lot here). It's hard to figure out who is most annoying, however, between Ernst and Vince Donvito. The latter plays a friend to the leads, and someone who is interested in being an amateur film-maker. Which means his only real reason for being there is to make pointed references to other, better, films. That's it. And I'd love to think that we'll soon retire the laziness of the film character being a film fan in order for the film to cram in lots of nods and references they don't have to put any effort into, but it ain't gonna happen.

I didn't get on board with this one from the beginning, and my mood wasn't helped by the fact that it didn't seem to do enough to improve the standards of the audio and visuals, but it went from bad to worse. At least it allowed me to come up with one of my favourite last lines for any review I have written thus far. After the haunted hotdog instalment of Creepshow 3 and now this, perhaps it's best to stop trying to craft horror plots around dodgy weiners. 

3/10

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Netflix And Chill: The Funhouse Massacre (2015)

A deadly clown, a cult leader and his deranged daughter, a dentist more interested in creating bloody cavities than fixing teeth, a cannibal, and a "taxidermist". That covers the main cast of villains showcased here in The Funhouse Massacre. You also get a couple of cops, one competent and one a bit of an idiot, and a mix of film geeks, a pair of oversexed lovers, and a guy pining for the lead actress.

The plot is quite simple. A bunch of friends decide to head along to a Halloween haunted house affair. They want frights and fun. Unbeknownst to them, the staff of the attraction have been removed/killed off by a number of insane killers who are set on turning the funhouse into a slaughterhouse. With all of the blood and guts already on display, it's the perfect cover.

Written by Ben Begley, who co-developed the idea with Renee Dorian (and both writers have substantial roles onscreen too), The Funhouse Massacre is pretty much a perfect example of how to do this kind of thing. I'm not going to waste my energy trying to convince you that it's some sort of modern classic, you can happily get on with your life if you don't ever manage to have this on your viewing list, but it's a fun film that keeps things moving, and bloody enough, to make it easier to forget about all of the implausibility and silliness of it all.

Director Andy Palmer does what he can to make everything look as good as it can be, considering the budget. There's some great work done by the art and design department, a few enjoyably gross death scenes, and general savvy use of limited resources. It helps that the villains all have decent gimmicks too, allowing them to turn any room that they are in into a focus for their deadly personalities.

The cast all do well enough. Scottie Thompson and Begley are the main cops, and Dorian is the nominal leading lady, but this is a film all about the baddies having a big night of fun, and they are the ones who make the strongest impressions. Jere Burns is a cult leader who controls the others, as part of his grand plan, Candice de Visser is "The Stitch Face Killer", Clint Howard is the taxidermist, E. E. Bell is a cannibal, Sebastian Siegel is a crazy dentist, and Mars Crain is a hulking psycho clown figure. Something for everyone there, I think you'll agree. There are also fun cameo roles for Robert Englund and Courtney Gains.

Unlike many other horror movies that tend to try too hard in their attempts to be knowing and hip, The Funhouse Massacre gets the balance just right. It has moments of comedy, but they come from the charcaters more than the dialogue (one or two lines/references aside), and it makes use of the killer archetypes in a way that helps to throw everyone off balance as they start to see real horrors unfold before their eyes, because they are so familiar that they cannot possibly ever be happening for real. Unfortunately, that familiarity also stops the film from becoming great, but it's an easy one to enjoy if you're after a disposable bit of fun.

6/10

You can buy it here.
Americans can buy it here.