The Relic (1997)

One of those films I tend to revisit every ten years or so, mainly because my memory of it is slightly better than the reality, The Relic is a creature feature that is as enjoyable as it is silly. It’s a mess, both visually and in terms of the stupid plotting, but it’s an enjoyable mess.

Set in the Field Museum Of Natural History, in Chicago, this is your standard template. People start dying, police investigate the deaths, evidence eventually leads to some creature being to blame, the finale relies on a plucky cop and plucky scientist saving the day. Oh, but some VIPs need the museum to stay “safe” and usable for a bit charity gala do that is set to go ahead - giving the film an obvious “the beaches are open” riff - and there is a bit more work to be done before the scientist figures out EXACTLY what the creature is before it can be destroyed.

Based on a popular novel, co-written by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child (sadly, no, I haven’t read it), The Relic may suffer from a number of failings, but a dearth of writers isn’t one of them. Four other people worked to adapt the source material into a screenplay, which is pretty astonishing when you think of how laughable and formulaic it is in places. I don’t want to spoil the ending for anyone, but there are one or two “revelations” that prove to be completely unsurprising, and the ultimate solution to the big beastie problem is something that would have worked on almost every other creature on the planet.

Director Peter Hyams doesn’t distract from the simple pleasures of the main story structure, although the scene in which a SWAT team tries to enter the building remains a glorious highlight, but he is slightly hampered by the fact that he has to blend practical effects and  mid-‘90s CGI. Everything holds up a bit better than expected, but that’s down to the low lighting levels used in many scenes and plenty of canny editing keeping things only partially-seen until the outrageous third act.

Stuck in the midst of the madness are Penelope Ann Miller (plucky scientist) and Tom Sizemore (plucky cop), who both try their best with the cheesy dialogue. Sizemore fares a bit better, his natural air of pessimism and slight grumpiness offset by the determination and strength of his character (helped by a fun little conversational thread about him losing custody of his dog in divorce proceedings). Miller gets more exposition, and she is easy to root for when she is uncomfortably backed into a dangerous space as “the relic” looks set to defeat everyone around it. Linda Hunt and James Whitmore are enjoyable in supporting roles, as are one or two others, but things would have been helped enormously if we had been given a much larger ensemble cast of great character actors to watch being placed in peril.

If you remember enjoying The Relic many years ago then you will still enjoy The Relic now. Unlike the mutation at the heart of it, it is pleasingly constant and unevolved. Neither the best film of this kind, nor the worst, it’s still a great choice for whenever you are having a lazy evening in and after some undemanding entertainment. The 110-minute runtime goes by quickly enough, the setting is used well, the John Debney score is another plus point, and it’s just a shame that Hyams and co. didn’t decide to throw some more blood and guts around. 

6/10

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Nightwish (1989)

Written and directed by Bruce R. Cook, his second of only two films he directed, Nightwish is just the right kind of bonkers for anyone hankering for that wonderfully silly ‘80s horror vibe. It was suggested to me after I laid some praise on Spookies, and it’s easy to see why. 

The plot concerns a careless professor taking a bunch of students to a house that they’re going to investigate. There’s also a machine that has people trying to control their dreams and deal with their fears. What that means is that you get a feature mixing supernatural shenanigans, a hefty dose of treachery, and even some potential alien activity. It’s best described as From Beyond crossed with The Legend Of Hell House, via a number of X-Files episodes. 

Although he continues to take things further and further into the realm of the ridiculous, Cook actually does a decent enough job with his writing and direction. The science is all for the sake of the movie, aka completely unbelievable, the characters are bearable enough to care about, but also disposable when the threat of death grows, and there are some fun effects dotted throughout. The dialogue is also in line with how the film is playing out, which means that you shouldn't come here if you're in the mood for some Shakespeare, but it's perfectly fine for a fun genre film.

Brian Thompson is probably the biggest name in the cast, but he only has a few minutes of screentime, effectively bookending the central section of the film. Jack Starrett is the professor, and enjoys taking his performance from calm civility to dangerous "captor" once others start to become reluctant about everything going on. Elizabeth Kaitan and Alisha Das are the main ladies, Donna and Kim, and both do fine in their roles, while other people hang around and wait to be imperilled. 

There's so much going on here that it's impossible for me to figure out just how much to put into this review. I worry that mentioning too many details will have you expecting one specific kind of film while Nightwish actually wants to deliver about ten different film plots to you. It's a gleeful mish-mash of stuff that could have easily been reworked into parody, and I admire the fact that it seems to be playing the whole thing relatively straight, despite sometimes getting very close to The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Special effects from KNB help, but not as much as the overall feeling of an earnest desire to entertain. It's all very silly, and doesn't once even accidentally get close to creating any tension in the second half, but it's an easy one to watch and enjoy. If you're not smiling by the time you get to the inevitable stinger in the final scenes then I don't know what to tell you . . . we're just very different people who can take movies in very different ways.

7/10

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April Fool's Day (1986)

Hmmm, April Fool's Day is just one of those movies that you still can't help liking even while the realisation dawns that it's completely and utterly rubbish. It really is dire but it's dire in a goofy and endearing way.

Deborah Foreman stars as Muffy, a young woman who invites all of her friends to stay with her at her isolated island home for a weekend. It's the weekend of April Fool's Day and her friends need little encouragement to take things further anf further. They love playing pranks on one another, something that is clear from almost the very beginning of the movie. Door handles fall off, glasses full of drinks are rigged to leak, knife blades are retractable, etc, etc. Yep, there's never a dull moment at Muffy's place. And it's about to get even more interesting when a killer is added to the mix.

Written by Danilo Bach and directed by Fred Walton, April Fool's Day takes a risky premise and largely fumbles it by populating the movie world with a number of irritating characters and keeping everything surprisingly bloodless. Yet it does have humour in spades and the audacity of the whole thing is something to either go along with and enjoy or just allow to ruin your day.

The cast aren't great but Deborah Foreman is entertainingly over the top as the eye-rolling Muffy, Thomas F. Wilson is fun to see in a non-"Biff" role and Tom Heaton, Griffin O'Neal, Leah Pinsent, Pat Barlow, Mike Nomad, Clayton Rohner and the other actors make up the numbers and do what is asked of them.

April Fool's Day definitely becomes more interesting when you consider the context of the movie and not just the final result that ended up onscreen. The early to mid 1980s say the horror market completely oversaturated by the slasher subgenre. Spoofs had already appeared but the humour in this movie is more in line with the cool subversion of the Scream franchise. The fact that it doesn't quite work doesn't detract from it being one of the more interesting mis-steps in the field of slasher movies.

Worth watching if you're a fan of this kind of film from this decade but do be prepared for the ending to either make you smile or make you want to put your foot through the TV screen.

6/10

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Just One Of The Guys (1985).

A light, high concept comedy from the 80s, Just One Of The Guys still has some fans to this day and it’s certainly miles away from the worst that the decade ever gave us.

 

Joyce Hyser plays Terry Griffith, a girl with everything. She does well at school, she has a prize catch of a fella, she is popular and she doesn’t really want for anything. Except for a way to have her journalism taken seriously. When her article is passed over in favour of others, Terry starts to consider that she is not being taken seriously because she’s a girl. To prove this, she masquerades as a boy, with the inevitable complications that ensue.

 

Just One Of The Guys is one of many, many mildly amusing comedies from the 80s that is as forgettable as it is passable. Directed by Lisa Gottlieb, and written by Dennis Feldman and Jeff Franklin, it has nothing to make it a movie that would ever be anyone’s favourite.

 

The cast are all good enough. Hyser may not convince when wearing her male disguise but she’s sweet and easy to root for. Billy Jayne gets a lot of great little moments as the annoying younger brother revelling in his sister’s complicated fraud. Clayton Rohner is acceptable as the nice guy oblivious to Terry’s growing feelings for him and William Zabka is a great bully, easy to loathe from his first moment onscreen.

 

While the whole movie centres around Terry’s charade it actually doesn’t make the most of the premise (with one scene in the school gymnasium changing rooms proving to be the best when it comes to mixing the awkwardness of the situation with the comedy) and plays out, for the most part, like any other 80s teen movie featuring two friends who have to tough things out when one falls for the other.

 

There’s a surprisingly gentle approach when it comes to mixing the bawdy in with the more rom-com moments and that’s a bonus, particularly for a movie from this era, but it’s just not enough to elevate it above the average. Okay, maybe it’s just ever so slightly above average.

6/10. 

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