A Little Bit Zombie (2012)

It's another zombie comedy, yes, but it's also another one that's at least mildly amusing for most of its runtime. In fact, zombie comedies have, for the most part, been pretty good over the last few years. Few have ever come close to being, as claimed, "the next Shaun Of The Dead" but a skewed premise often leads to at least half-decent results.

Kristopher Turner is Steve, a man who is trying to enjoy a little break with his fiance (Tina, played by Crystal Lowe), his sister (Sarah, played by Kristen Hager), and her fella/his mate, Craig (Shawn Roberts). Unfortunately, things are a bit stressful, mainly because Tina can never seem to switch off and just enjoy herself. She's actually made a schedule for their vacation, much to the annoyance of the others. Then things start to get worse when Steve is bitten by a mosquito. It's no ordinary mosquito. It is, in fact, a mosquito that had previously been feeding on some zombie blood. When Steve is infected by the blood he starts to turn funny, but battles against it. He is, as the title says, A Little Bit Zombie.

Written by Christopher Bond and Trevor Martin, this is a film that has some funny moments, but it's never quite as good as it could be. There are some laughs, and it's fun to see the zombie problem in the movie treated as more of an irritating obstacle by Steve and his determined bride-to-be, but the comedy is a bit too broad to prove wholly satisfying.

Director Casey Walker does a good job with the cast, the effects and the small set-pieces. The movie jumps about, trying to fit in a number of different styles and framing devices for gags, but that's the biggest mistake. Everything else is at least competent, and often quite nicely done (especially the opening sequence).

Turner is good in the main role, and provides enough amusement as he starts to crave brains more and more. Lowe is the star though, being very hard to like from the very beginning, but also being a woman so determined to do right by her fiance that she will adapt quickly to any situation. Hager and Roberts are fine in their roles, and Stephen McHattie and Emilie Ullerup raise the whole movie up a notch with their scenes, both playing zombie hunters. McHattie is particularly brilliant, and at his coolest, as a man who doesn't even think twice while destroying zombies, while Ullerup is hoping to find a cure (something that perhaps Steven might provide them with, at long last).

It's not great, and it's far from the best of the crop of zombie comedies to have come along in the last decade, but A Little Bit Zombie is decent fun while it's on. Will you remember it a year or two down the line? I don't think so.

6/10

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Children Of The Corn: Revelation (2001)

Continuing the trend of the Children Of The Corn franchise being able to sap every ounce of fun out of the premise and make each instalment in the series a chore to sit through, Children Of The Corn: Revelation quickly announces that it's in line with the standards of the preceding movies by being pretty awful from the very first scene and not improving for the next 80-90 minutes.

Claudette Mink stars as Jamie, a young woman who travels to a small town in search of her grandmother. Gramma has disappeared, you see, and Jamie is worried. It's not long until she's starting to see some strange sights and finding out that not all children are nice and innocent. She does have a local law enforcer (Kyle Cassie) trying to help her, but horror fans will know that things are probably going to get worse before they get any better. Especially with Michael Ironside wandering around as a rambling priest.

I know that this is saying something, but the script by S. J. Smith may be the worst yet in this series (and, god help me, I STILL have a couple of movies to go). It's appalling in almost every aspect. Characters are introduced without care, and sometimes removed from the film in the same way, while the central plot is so piss poor that it's actually insulting. Yes, even after the awfulness of the other Corny movies . . . . . . . THIS is the worst, and most insulting, of them all.

The direction by Guy Magar feels suspiciously like direction from someone who signed on, realised what a piece of shit they were stuck with and just tried their best to get it over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. If only viewers could take the same approach.

Claudette Mink, Kyle Cassie, Mighty Michael Ironside, Troy Yorke, Crystal Lowe and Michael Rogers can't do anything to help polish this turd. The stench is so strong that it sticks to them, making it difficult to tell who actually stinks and who is being made extra stinky by the surrounding movie.

Anyone else who gets to this point in the franchise will, I'm sure, start to wish that the first movie had never been made. Or that the short story had never been written. Or that the planet didn't have corn.

2/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Children-Corn-Revelation-Claudette-Mink/dp/B004WJRV7A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1381237650&sr=8-1&keywords=children+of+the+corn+revelation

Driven To Kill (2009)

Having impressed everyone over the years with his astounding acting range, Steven Seagal shows that he has at least one more trick up his sleeve when he portrays a Russian ex-mobster in this enjoyable action movie. Okay, I may have my tongue wedged in my cheek just now but, in all honesty, he's not that bad with the accent. He's not that good either. But he's not THAT bad.

Seagal is Ruslan, a man who tries to chill out and play nice while he visits his ex-wife and daughter on the day that his little girl is due to get married. Sadly, all of the wedding plans are a bit messed up when some nasty guys break in and kill people. From then on, Seagal is . . . . . . . . . Driven To Kill.

Written by Mark James, and directed by Jeff King (who previously worked with Seagal on the poor Kill Switch), this is a surprisingly enjoyable Seagal movie that ended up with many others in the straight-to-DVD market. The acting isn't great but the action will keep fans happy and the dialogue, while quite horrid most of the time, actually works well enough here and there to provide a couple of decent one-liners. If you can make out just what is being said through the garbled accents.

Bizarre as it may seem, the only other person I recognised onscreen was Crystal Lowe (an actress who has appeared in a few horror movies such as Final Destination 3 and Wrong Turn 2: Dead End). Sadly, she's onscreen for about 2 minutes. I could check the credits for the names of the main people who managed to either look on in awe as Seagal kicked ass or had their ass kicked while Seagal awesomely kicked ass but it would be a waste of time. There really wasn't anyone worth mentioning.

There's nothing like a great Seagal movie and, as is so often the case nowadays, this is nothing like a great Seagal movie. But it is a good one. And that's high praise indeed, considering most of his filmography.

6/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Driven-To-Kill-DVD/dp/B002BC9YAM

Poison Ivy: The Secret Society (2008)

The fourth, and we can only hope the final, instalment in the Poison Ivy series of films is a step backwards after the superb third movie. It's not quite as bad as the second film but it feels more like another kind of film altogether. Like The Skulls but with sexy girls in place of smug, snobby guys. Not that I'm saying that's a terrible thing, it's just not as entertaining as it could be.

Daisy (Miriam McDonald) heads to college and quickly finds herself the subject of attention, some of it wanted and some of it unwanted. She likes handsome young Blake (Ryan Kennedy) but finds her opinion of him changing as her eyes are opened by the manipualtive Azalea (Shawna Waldron). Azalea is quite a prime figure in the secret society known as the Ivy Society and decides to corrupt Daisy and use her for her own ends. And Azalea also uses her sex appeal whenever she needs to wind a man around her little finger.

Bizarrely moving between scenes of sexiness and nudity and scenes that look like they were written for a standard teen chick flick (there's a makeover moment, in particular, that feels as if it belongs in a completely different movie), the film just about keeps boredom at bay but it's a close call.

Miriam McDonald, Shawna Waldron and Ryan Kennedy are all okay. Waldron is undeniably attractive, it's just a shame that the characters are all either too naive or scheming to really root for. Support comes from Crystal Lowe (probably still most recognisable for her role in Final Destination 3), Andrea Whitburn, Greg Evigan and Catherine Hicks.

Three people wrote the script, which makes you wish that just one of them had taken charge and kept the movie properly focused, and Jason Hreno does a capable enough job with the direction. No fancy moves or tricks but this is decent enough stuff for a TV movie. If there's nothing else on.

4/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Poison-Ivy-4-DVD/dp/B001RQFXWQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1327960663&sr=1-1