Planet Of The Sharks (2016)

If you wanted to remake Waterworld for the cost of a few quid, and add a load of sharks, then you would probably end up with Planet Of The Sharks, a terrible film that I find myself now trying to review.

The story is simple, yet also more complicated at times than it needs to be. All you need to know is that our planet has become flooded. And the food chain has changed, putting sharks at the very top. A small group of people have an idea of how to try and improve the situation, and viewers get to see their journey. Which is nowhere near as exciting as it should be.

Directed by Mark Atkins, someone who has done a number of films in this vein (as is so often the way), Planet Of The Sharks wants to mix some post-apocalyptic shenanigans with plenty of shark activity, which is commendable. Unfortunately, Atkins has neither the budget nor the skill to make something pacey and entertaining. He also doesn’t have a decent script, working from an awfully dull creation co-written by himself and Marc Gottlieb. I watched this late in the afternoon, fully fed and caffeinated, and I still almost fell asleep once or twice. I know it can happen, but it always amazes me when people make a film based around sharks SO dull.

The cast do nothing to help matters. Brandon Auret, Stephanie Beran, and Lindsay Sullivan are the nominal leads, aside from the sharks, but none of them have any real presence. I wish I could say the same for Angie Teodora Dick, playing a character so annoying that I wanted her to be eaten within seconds of her first appearance.

And speaking of the characters, giving your characters names of famous people, or names that reference other films, isn't enough to make your film a fun, cine-literate, experience. I admit that when I found out the annoying character played by Dick was called Joanne D'amato I thought that wasn't a bad way to namecheck someone, but having someone just called Dr. Caroline Munro? You may as well just call your leads Peeta Cushing and Kristoff Earl Lee, with room for Bella Lugosi, Doris Karloff, etc. Those names would be more amusing than simply using the real name of someone that genre fans have enjoyed through the decades.

I know what I am letting myself in for with these movies, and those who know me already know that about me, but there are still many movies of this ilk that provide simple entertainment for those undemanding in their creature feature viewing habits. Planet Of The Sharks doesn't do that. One to avoid, although I'll grudgingly admit that a number of the CGI moments weren't as bad as I expected them to be.

3/10

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Dragon Wasps (2012)

I have started noticing lately that there are a few golden rules to adhere to if you ever find yourself in a potential b-movie situation and want to avoid trouble. Dragon Wasps illustrates a few of them, which I will mark and then expand upon in footnotes.

An entomologist* named Gina (played by Dominika Juillet) is a young woman working in an area of rain forests*. She is, however, just there to find her father* as opposed to the real reason that she gave. When her friend, Rhonda (played by Nikolette Noel), finds out about this she has a bit of a moan and a sigh but then agrees to help find the missing man. It's not long until the two women find themselves in military territory but, thankfully, they manage to persuade a team* led by John Hammond (Corin Nemec) to help them on their quest. There are some local baddies in the area not afraid to shoot at the military but dodging bullets becomes a secondary concern when the sky suddenly fills up with . . . . . . . . . dragon wasps.*

It's hard to imagine how much further these movies can go. I'm still afraid of wasps (I'm a wuss in real life, I admit it) but the brains behind movies such as this one obviously don't think normal wasps are scary enough. So they make them big. And THEN they also make them able to shoot flames. I'm wondering just how long it is until we see the movie Gorgon Bees appearing on the Syfy Channel.

The strangest thing about Dragon Wasps, however, is that it's not actually that bad. Oh, it's bad. I've not lost my mind after watching too many of these creature features. The acting from Nikolette Noel is pretty godawful and I can't really find anything too complimentary to say about Dominika Juillet or Corin Nemec either. In fact, the supporting cast members did a better job. Benjamin Easterday was fine, Cosondra Sjostrom was the prettiest soldier I have seen in some time (it's a shame that she didn't get more to do) and Gildon Roland was an intimidating villain.

Direction from Joe Knee was fine, I suppose, and the script by Mark Atkins and Rafael Jordan was mildly amusing in places. The pacing may not have been perfect but the special effects a) weren't as eye-searingly bad as is often the way of these films and b) weren't overused. Those big, bad dragon wasps get enough screentime but the movie isn't full of cutaway shots to them and a lot of the plot deals with the soldiers having to deal with the local guerrillas.

There are also some fun moments to do with the effects of cocaine, some fun incubation/hatching scenes and a nice line in over the top bravado from Nemec's lead character. The movie is bad but it has the good sense to be bad with some fun in the mix.

4/10

Footnotes.

*Entomologist - choose your career carefully. Never become an entomologist. Try becoming an etymologist instead. Nobody ever got themselves murder death killed by a mutated strain of words (well, if you don't think too much about Pontypool)

*Rain forests - there are some places on our planet that are safe and secure and rarely see problems caused my crazy local wildlife. Rain forests are NOT those places.

*Lost family member - give it up. They're either gone or in a very bad way or helped to cause the damn problem in the first place. Drop them like a hot potato and adopt other people who can fill that role. Preferably choose someone not working in the field of genetics.

*Enlisting army help - if you're doing something that you can ask the military to help you with then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

*Last but not least - if you spot any bad CGI then run in the opposite direction. Those computer effects are probably out to kill you.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dragon-Wasps-DVD-Corin-Nemec/dp/B008H43XVE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1350378109&sr=8-1

Sand Sharks (2011)

Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the beach, along comes Sand Sharks to remind you that no environment is safe from the dangers of horrible CGI. It's a familiar story to fans of much better movies, including Jaws and Piranha, as a small seaside town is about to become the setting for a big, moneyspinning, party until one or two people go and spoil everything by getting themselves munched. By sand sharks, no less. These creatures, in case you didn't realise, are just like sharks except they can move through the sand as if it was water.

Corin Nemec plays Jimmy Green, the man hoping to keep the party going even when the lives of others may still be in peril, while Eric Scott Woods is Sheriff John Stone and Brooke Hogan (who seems to have an affinity with strange sharks - she was also in the dire 2-Headed Shark Attack) is a pretty scientist type who may be able to help save the day. Vanessa Lee Evigan is also trying to help keep things safe while the wonderfully-named Edgar Allan Poe IV plays the mayor and Robert Pike Daniel gets to embarrass himself enormously with a terrible riff on Robert Shaw's classic Quint character.

Director Mark Atkins and writer Cameron Larson get a few things right in this cheap 'n' cheerful flick but there are too many things working against them to help raise the movie above the level of the godawful. It's fun in places and lacks any sense of shame whatsoever as it references the best shark film of them all and also includes one or two nods, for some reason, to Apocalypse Now. The cast do okay with the laughable lines that they're given - as well as those already mentioned there are a few scenes for the lovely Gina Holden and amusing performances from Hilary Cruz and Delpaneaux Wills.

And that's it. Nothing else can be praised. The special effects are only special if you've not seen any other movie in the last 30 years, the comedy misfires a lot more often than it works, the few scenes that require literally tens of extras hardly feature anyone remotely convincing and the central idea is mishandled - it's just not treated with enough seriousness or humour to make it work as either a decent creature feature or a fun, tongue-in-cheek, b-movie romp.

I almost feel bad for giving this movie such a low rating, almost. It was fun and it certainly tried often enough to rise above the low budget and cheesiness with a bit of wit but even though I was never bored while watching the film I had to concede that I was laughing AT it more than I was laughing WITH it.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sand-Sharks-DVD-Gina-Holden/dp/B0062MCH60/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342212789&sr=8-1