Chained Heat (1983)

The Women In Prison movie. It's not for everyone, but certain viewers with a taste for the trashy will know that these movies often practically overflow with gratuitous nudity, sadism and sleaze. Which makes them very entertaining.

In this movie, Linda Blair plays Carol, the new girl in the prison. It doesn't take her long to get the attention of Ericka (Sybil Danning), one of the more powerful inmates. Ericka is involved in a bit of a feud with Duchess (Tamara Dobson), but the two women have mutual enemies, of course, in the shape of the warden (John Vernon) and his staff (mainly Stella Stevens). At least there's the suave Lester (Henry Silva) to help the ladies take part in a lovely care in the community scheme. Well, actually, to be completely truthful, he gives some of them nice dresses to wear and then makes them work as prostitutes.

With its great cast, hilarious lack of anything that makes sense (for example, the hot tub in the warden's office), and pleasing mix of, yes indeed, nudity, sadism and sleaze, this is a particularly fan-pleasing film that takes the recognised components of the niche sub-genre and ramps them all up for maximum entertainment value.

Blair does fine in her role, despite the fact that I don't think she's ever been that great an actress. Her fresh face, and willingness to remove clothing, stand her in good stead to play the innocent girl who may struggle to survive her spell behind bars. Danning is as mesmerising as she usually is, perfect for the queen bee role that she's cast in. It's a sin that she was never cast in a movie role opposite, or alongside, Dyanne Thorne (or am I on my own with that thought?). Dobson holds her own, admirably, whenever facing off against Danning, and makes for a worthy opponent. Robert Miano is a rapey guard, Kendal Kaldwell is a nasty guard who isn't averse to helping the rapey guard get his victims, Stevens is a decent villain, and both Vernon and Silva are enjoyably cringe-inducing in almost every scene they feature in.

Paul Nicholas cobbles everything together well enough. It's all a bit careless and loose, rough around all of the edges in a way that just makes it more endearing, and the script (co-written by Nicholas and Aaron Butler) is as crude, at times, as it is juvenile.

I had a lot of fun watching Chained Heat (hey, I didn't mean THAT . . . . . behave), and I think that anyone else with previous experience of this kind of film, as long as they know exactly what they're letting themselves in for, will find it equally enjoyable.

7/10

http://www.amazon.com/Prison-Triple-Chained-Jungle-Warriors/dp/B004XIWRW4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406070962&sr=8-1&keywords=chained+heat

Deathstalker II (1987)

AKA Deathstalker II: Duel Of The Titans.

Well, here's a turn up for the books. I thought that Deathstalker was an okay slice of hokum so I approached the sequels with more than a pinch of pessimism - the usual pattern tends to be that the sequels go down and down in quality until you get to the very end and simply have to pray that the franchise runs out of breath before you do. I perked up slightly when I saw that the film was directed by Jim Wynorski. And, only a few minutes into the proceedings, when I heard the line "ordinarily I don't mind seeing a woman get a good beating, if she deserves it, but this doesn't look like much of a contest to me" I knew I was in for a treat.

Deathstalker II is full of action, one-liners delivered with a cocky style by John Terlesky that puts him almost up there with the mighty Bruce Campbell, gratuitous nudity from the lovely Monique Gabrielle and just a neverending supply of fun, fun, fun. The fact that this is set in olde worlde times and you can easily see both a trailer in the background and a streetlight (or film light) quite clearly just adds to the fun, reminding you that all of this entertainment was brought to you on a budget that probably barely stretched to include a decent lunch for everyone.

The plot sees Deathstalker (played this time by the aforementioned Terlesky) urged to go on a quest by Reena The Seer (Monique Gabrielle). She foretells great rewards and fame for Deathstalker and that's the kind of talk that he likes. But what she doesn't tell him is that she is actually Princess Evie, ousted from her position by Jarek The Sorcerer (John Lazar), a man who has created a doppelganger of her to hold the throne. Toni Naples plays a woman who wants Deathstalker to die at her hands while Maria Socas is the Amazon Queen who wants Deathstalker to be physically tested in more ways than one.

It's full of numerous random moments, though not quite as random as the first movie, and cheekily re-uses footage from part one but this movie is really just overflowing with enough energy and humour to make it one of the better b-movies I've seen in some time. As well as the standard swordplay we also get to enjoy some wrestling (with Dee Booher, billed here as Queen Kong, playing the formidable opponent), a scene with lots of zombies posing a threat and did I mention the gratuitous nudity from the lovely Monique Gabrielle?

John Terlesky is superb in the leading role, John Lazar is okay as the villain (though it's a shame that he stays remarkably restrained), Toni Naples and Maria Socas are both attractive and strong women and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . did I mention the gratuitous nudity from the lovely Monique Gabrielle?

The technical side isn't really up to much but Wynorski directs with his usual competence, energy and enthusiasm standing in for any major resources, and the screenplay has a lot of wit, even if most of the gags are amusingly lame ones. There's also some great, rousing, music by Chuck Cirino. It may be a little overused but it had me tapping my toes every time it was played.

7/10

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976-Evil II (1992)

Well, it's pretty unlikely that people got to the end credits of 976-Evil and thought "that was great but I really want another movie using the same concept and throwing in a bit of astral projection madness" but here we are anyway with 976-Evil II, a movie directed by Jim Wynorski (a name familiar to purveyors of schlock and perhaps still best known for the fantastic fun of Chopping Mall).

The plot is so silly that you expect someone from the Monty Python crew to come along and stop proceedings at any moment. Mr. Grubeck (Rene Assa) is the latest person to be seduced by the telephone number that offers a very specific horror-scope for each individual and he's been on a bit of a killing spree. Apprehended by the police, things get confusing when the killings continue while Mr. Grubeck is safley locked in a prison cell. Will nobody put 2 and 2 together and realise that the killer can astrally project himself anywhere while he's asleep? Spike (Patrick O'Bryan) doesn't know exactly what's going on but he does know, from bitter experience, just how dangerous that 976 number is. Perhaps Robin (Debbie James) can help him put all of the pieces together before more people are dead.

While it follows on from the first movie in some ways, mainly the use of the phone number and the returning character of Spike, 976-Evil II could just as easily have been moulded into an original movie that could have been just as silly and unscary while not needing to tarnish the good name of a fairly decent movie. There are no characters you really get to care about (Spike and Robin aren't really great leads while the script meanders from one limp set-piece to the next), no impressive death scenes and no real sense of the fun that's obviously supposed to be coming from the screen.

I knew that the movie would have some issues when the first sixty seconds featured some gratuitous nudity. Hey, I'm certainly not averse to nudity (gratuitous or otherwise) but it's never a good sign when a) it occurs within the first minute and b) it's not followed up by plenty more. If you offer nothing else then at least have the decency to go all out with the gratuitous nudity. One fleeting glimpse of nakedness at the start of a film does not make up for 90 minutes of tedium.

There is some fun to be had with the supporting cast - featuring the great George 'Buck' Flower, the lovely Monique Gabrielle and a bizarre cameo role for Brigitte Nielsen - and one scene utilising a twisted version of It's A Wonderful Life is genuinely entertaining but the rest falls flat. The script, written by Erik Anjou and based on a story by Rick Glassman, is inept in a way that fails to raise even unintentional laughs while Wynorski provides uninspired direction.

In summation, I was genuinely more entertained by the last Jim Wynorski movie I watched, which was Cleavagefield.

3/10.

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Hot Moves (1984)

A group of horny teens vow to lose their virginity before beginning their senior year of high school. Yes, Hot Moves is yet another 80s forerunner to American Pie and it’s also one of the better outings in the 80s teen sex comedy subgenre.

The plot doesn’t get complicated in any way, and leaves room for moments that are really nothing more than music videos showcasing the sun-kissed activity of Venice Beach, but that means that viewers can sit back and enjoy a series of extended skits all based around people just trying to have sex.

Michael Zorek gets the most screentime, playing Barry, but the central character is really Michael (Adam Silbar), who appears to want his girlfriend (Julie Ann, played by Jill Schoelen) for sex that has yet to happen. Michael is jealous of a girl (Heidi, played by Deborah Richter) that he sees accompanying his brother along the beach and this sets his libido into overdrive. Not that it takes all that much.

Hot Moves has, obviously, dated quite a bit since it was released almost 30 years ago but it holds up better than many others from the time thanks to a relatively likeable group of lads anchoring the shenanigans and a number of set-ups for laughs that are actually pretty funny. Things take a little while to get going but once Barry thinks he’s in luck with a woman who likens him to a big teddy bear it’s pretty solid for laughs from then on.

The movie also receives a big boost thanks to the lovely ladies onscreen. Jill Schoelen is cute enough, Deborah Richter is gorgeous and there’s also some onscreen time for the beautiful Monique Gabrielle.

Peter Foldy and Larry Anderson are the men responsible for the script. It’s no classic but spaces out enough info and details to lay the groundwork for the bigger laughs and the more satisfying moments. Director Jim Sotos may have only helmed about half a dozen movies in his career but he doesn’t do too badly here, providing enough sunshine, smirks and nudity to keep the core demographic pleased until the end credits roll. Yep, Hot Moves holds up surprisingly well. 

7/10. 

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