Chained Heat (1983)

The Women In Prison movie. It's not for everyone, but certain viewers with a taste for the trashy will know that these movies often practically overflow with gratuitous nudity, sadism and sleaze. Which makes them very entertaining.

In this movie, Linda Blair plays Carol, the new girl in the prison. It doesn't take her long to get the attention of Ericka (Sybil Danning), one of the more powerful inmates. Ericka is involved in a bit of a feud with Duchess (Tamara Dobson), but the two women have mutual enemies, of course, in the shape of the warden (John Vernon) and his staff (mainly Stella Stevens). At least there's the suave Lester (Henry Silva) to help the ladies take part in a lovely care in the community scheme. Well, actually, to be completely truthful, he gives some of them nice dresses to wear and then makes them work as prostitutes.

With its great cast, hilarious lack of anything that makes sense (for example, the hot tub in the warden's office), and pleasing mix of, yes indeed, nudity, sadism and sleaze, this is a particularly fan-pleasing film that takes the recognised components of the niche sub-genre and ramps them all up for maximum entertainment value.

Blair does fine in her role, despite the fact that I don't think she's ever been that great an actress. Her fresh face, and willingness to remove clothing, stand her in good stead to play the innocent girl who may struggle to survive her spell behind bars. Danning is as mesmerising as she usually is, perfect for the queen bee role that she's cast in. It's a sin that she was never cast in a movie role opposite, or alongside, Dyanne Thorne (or am I on my own with that thought?). Dobson holds her own, admirably, whenever facing off against Danning, and makes for a worthy opponent. Robert Miano is a rapey guard, Kendal Kaldwell is a nasty guard who isn't averse to helping the rapey guard get his victims, Stevens is a decent villain, and both Vernon and Silva are enjoyably cringe-inducing in almost every scene they feature in.

Paul Nicholas cobbles everything together well enough. It's all a bit careless and loose, rough around all of the edges in a way that just makes it more endearing, and the script (co-written by Nicholas and Aaron Butler) is as crude, at times, as it is juvenile.

I had a lot of fun watching Chained Heat (hey, I didn't mean THAT . . . . . behave), and I think that anyone else with previous experience of this kind of film, as long as they know exactly what they're letting themselves in for, will find it equally enjoyable.

7/10

http://www.amazon.com/Prison-Triple-Chained-Jungle-Warriors/dp/B004XIWRW4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406070962&sr=8-1&keywords=chained+heat

Today You Die (2005)

If you hate this movie then you'd better go and take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Because you, sir or madam, may have to admit that you're a racist. Maybe the ethnicity of the film displeases you. Maybe you're just put off because Steven Seagal is a successful black man in the action movie market. Of course, Seagal is not a black man (nor all that successful nowadays, is he?) but nobody remembered to tell him that when he decided to show his versatility in this dire action movie. It's a shame that a number of things couldn't have been changed and improved upon during the making of the film because the action scenes, when they occur, aren't actually all that bad and the plot of Seagal seeking out those who wronged him and putting things right almost reminds you of those enjoyably gritty early movies that all now seem like classics compared to his 21st century output.

The plot sees Seagal as a kindly thief who robs from criminals to distribute the wealth to the needy. He's kinda like Robin Hood. With a ponytail. And two extra chins. But this is all quite worrying for his good lady (Mari Morrow), who keeps having strange dreams and "psychic visions" that actually don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. So Seagal goes straight but, lo and behold, on a standard driving job he is forced to outrun the cops and struggle to survive when it turns out that he's mixed up in a lucrative robbery. Our man is apprehended and jailed, but not before he has managed to somehow hide $20 million. Never mind, in the space of a few scenes we get Seagal teaming up with Treach (who plays a crook named Ice Kool) and managing to escape in a surprisingly easily engineered scheme. Then it's time to kick ass in a number of unconnected moments, allow the movie to pretend that it has a depth and complexity in place of the laughs and confusion and head to a finale that may just let our hero get his justice, save the children of the world and prove to everyone, once again, that he is the slap-happy version of Jesus himself.

I won't pretend that most of this movie was something I could easily enjoy while it was on but as soon as the credits rolled and I began to think back through what I had just seen I couldn't help laughing and thinking of all the lazy mistakes throughout (usually with stunt doubles but the massive plot holes were also good for a giggle). This may be the fault of the script, by Kevin Moore, but it's probably not helped by the direction of Don E. FauntLeRoy, a man responsible for having the most annoying mix of upper- and lower-casing in his surname and also the third and fourth risible movies in the Anaconda franchise.

Seagal - he doesn't really know any better because he just keeps going as he always has. Treach is almost tolerable. Almost. Mia Morrow would have been fine if her character hadn't been so redundant and given such awful material to work with. Sarah Buxton is pretty bad, Nick Mancuso is terrible and only those with less screentime give better performances (Robert Miano and Kevin Tighe, in particular). Fans may be interested to know that Chloe Grace Moretz has a very small role but nothing that marks out her future potential.

Some decent action moments and a sprinkling of grit make you think this could end up similiar to the earlier movies in the Seagal filmography but, alas, it's not to be and we just get yet another stinker to add to the pile.

4/10.

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