Meg 2: The Trench (2023)

I like nonsense. Anyone who knows me can tell you that, and many people who know me actually assume that I tend to choose to watch nonsense over anything else most days. That isn't true though. But I can be easily entertained by films that others don't want to waste their time on. Nonsense has to hit the right spot though, and that ties directly to the logic contained within a movie. If a film is full of magic or sci-fi elements that throw the rules of our world out the window then that's fine. If there are monsters on the prowl then that's fine. Unbelievable fights that look great and feature people who at least look as if they can handle themselves? Again . . . fine. Meg 2: The Trench is not the right kind of nonsense though. It's bad nonsense. The kind of nonsense that shows someone imploding when they have a problem with their suit deep underwater moments before it shows someone exiting a structure to swim elsewhere to open an airlock . . . at a depth of 25,000 feet. Yes, Meg 2: The Trench asks viewers to accept that a human being can swim around, however briefly, at a depth of 25,000 feet. I gave up at that point, saddened by a film that seemed destined to alternate between making me balk and making me bored.

While the first film was based around the appeal of watching Jason Statham versus a giant shark, Meg 2: The Trench moves away from the simplicity of that idea. There’s one trained shark in the mix (maybe, but maybe it’s not possible to train a shark), there are more megalodons, there are a few land creatures, and a huge octopus-like people-eater (shown via the huge tentacles that grab “snacks” and cause carnage). Statham is still present, of course, but he is wasted, alongside the rest of the human cast, for most of the runtime, stuck in a very dull plot about corporate treachery and sabotage.

Written by the same writers who delivered the first film - Dean Georgaris, Jon Hoeber, and Erich Hoeber, all once again working from source material by Steve Alten - and directed by Ben Wheatley, it’s clear that the main aim here is to revel in silliness. Unfortunately, the silliness doesn’t work, and it doesn’t fill up as much of the runtime as it should. Seriously, who wants a Meg movie with so much time devoted to a sub-plot about scheming business folk?

Statham gets to do what he does well enough, but not often enough, and he remains a good fit for this material, delivering awful dialogue with ease and jumping around between sea monsters that we know he will need to defeat in battle. The other main stars worth mentioning are Cliff Curtis, Page Kennedy, and Wu Jing. The former two reprise their roles from the first film, with Kennedy being a lot of fun whenever he gets to show how he has learned to try and protect himself more from the danger of ginormous sharks, while Jing lends his name to a project that sorely mistreats him (fans of his work may be disappointed by how he is ultimately sidelined in favour of the Statham versus sharks plotting. There are some others in the cast, there to either be kept safe or turned into food for the big beasts, but I don’t want to spend time complaining about bad performances from people who aren’t given anything decent to work with.

The Meg was a disappointment, but it had enough fun moments to still make it worthwhile, just. This sequel is an awful mess, arguably something that the film-makers assume is saved by some of the special effects and ridiculous moments packed into the finale. I disagree with them. I stopped caring about anyone onscreen very early on, and I certainly couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm when it seemed as if the film finally remembered what it was supposed to be for the last 15-20 minutes. I hope Wheatley is satisfied now that he’s got this out of his system (although it has brought in some big bucks thanks to the way it pandered to the Chinese market for a box office win there), and I hope any future instalments in the series avoid boring me as much as this one did.

3/10

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Shudder Saturday: A Banquet (2010)

There’s a lot in A Banquet to enjoy, from the central idea to the main performances, so it’s a bit of a shame that it feels very similar to the other excellent Saint Maud. People may watch this and start to think of that film, but that’s a bit unfair. Because there are also a couple of key differences that make this equally worthy of your time, mainly with the central mother-daughter relationship at the heart of things.

It all starts with Holly (Sienna Guillory) being shocked by the suicide of her seriously ill husband. This leaves Holly to bring up their two daughters, Betsey (Jessica Alexander) and the slightly younger Isabelle (Ruby Stokes), on her own, with occasional visits from their gran, June (Lindsay Duncan). Things become strained when Betsey falls ill, losing her appetite and quickly becoming convinced that her deteriorated state is being caused by something more than just a medical issue.

The first feature directed by Ruth Paxton, and also the first feature written by her long-time collaborator Justin Bull, A Banquet is a slow burn of a film that paces things perfectly with the help of some key scenes that are densely packed with disturbing imagery and complexity that separates it from more standard horror fare. As well as the central idea, someone feeling that their body no longer belongs to themselves, there are moments that will be identifiable to anyone who has tried to help a loved one in any kind of major difficulty, from illness to addiction, from problems with bullying to mental health issues. Things will resonate a lot more with those who have unwillingly engaged in a battle of wills with their children, especially with one character pushing away others during a major change of their personality, but it applies to any major relationship, be it between family or good friends.

Alexander is up to the task of delivering the strong performance that needs to be at the heart of the film, she does a pretty flawless job that marks her out as someone to keep an eye out for in other works, and Guillory matches her with her very believable turn as the concerned and loving mother. Stokes doesn't have to deal with quite as many of the truly heavy moments, but she also does good work, and Duncan is used well, playing a character who details some nightmare imagery that feeds into one or two scenes further down the line.

As redundant a phrase as it is, this is a film that isn't for everyone (no film is for everyone, I know, I know). I do think, however, that patient horror movie viewers will get a lot out of this. As much as it is about the pain of the people caught up in the situation, it's equally about the need for people to seek out answers, reassurances, and any small comfort that can support their ideas about what the giant and turbulent cosmos has in store for them.

8/10

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Prime Time: Don’t Hang Up (2016)

It’s a very familiar thriller/horror premise nowadays. Someone is “captured” by a mysterious person controlling their environment, maybe for a very specific reason or maybe just random, and they are given a series of choices that will affect the wellbeing of those they care about. 

Don’t Hang Up, although often both ridiculous and completely predictable, actually has a great central idea, and a solid payoff to all of the events. It starts with a series of prank calls made by Sam (Gregg Sulkin) and Brady (Garrett Clayton), which leads to a montage of their dubious highlights. They get a decent amount of attention for their shenanigans, and think nothing of the people they may have given a scare to. That all changes when the tables are turned, of course, and one caller decides to toy with them for an evening. Is it a very twisted prankster, or is it someone who wants to take things down a much darker path? 

The only feature film, to date, from directors Damien Macé and Alexis Wajsbrot, this is an enjoyable teen thriller that is ultimately dragged down by the fact that it is determined to remain nothing more than a teen thriller. If the tension levels were ramped up in the third act then I wouldn't have a problem with that, but they aren't. Not to anywhere near where they should be anyway. Which means you have an entertaining distraction that isn't able to be as bloody or nasty as it should be. 

Writer Joe Johnson doesn't help. He's done a great job in sowing the seeds that blossom just before the end credits roll, but the dialogue and the reveals that come along before the third act are both pretty poor. Sam and Brady aren't particularly likeable, which makes it impossible to care about things like their loved ones or what plans they may have for the future.

Sulkin and Clayton give distinctly average performances, although it's hard to say how much of that is down to the script. Their interactions with one another are fine, but it never feels convincing when they start to figure out the reality of their situation and act scared. Bella Dayne isn't onscreen for long enough, as Peyton Grey (Sam's girlfriend, and someone who has just changed her relationship status to the non-Facebook-infringing equivalent of "it's complicated), but she's a welcome presence when she IS there. The other main performer here is the caller (voiced over the phone by Philip Desmeules). He has a good voice for the role, cold and menacing while pretending that he just wants to play a game, and play fair, with his victims.

I won't be rushing to rewatch this, and nor will I be recommending it to everyone I know, but I didn't mind it while it was on. It's a decidedly okay thriller, with a number of decent nods to other films, and it at least manages to pull off an ending that doesn't feel like a lazy cop-out.

5/10

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