Atlantic Rim (2013)

The recent cinema release of Pacific Rim 2 made me want to rush along and see it. Unfortunately, I couldn't. So I decided on the next best thing. I would finally watch the mockbuster version of the first movie, courtesy of The Asylum. How bad could it be?

There's no need to keep you in suspense here, the answer is very bad, very bad indeed.

The slight plot sees a big monster coming out of the sea to cause some major damage and death, which leads to three people (David Chokachi, Anthony 'Treach' Criss, and Jackie Moore) being placed in giant robot suits and ordered to explore the area, eventually fighting the big beastie. But that only leads to a brief reprieve. There's a bigger and tougher monster coming, and the suits need to be improved for fighting purposes.

Although running for just about 85 minutes, Atlantic Rim still overstays its welcome because the script - written by Richard Lima, Thunder Levin, and Hank Woon Jr - is so slight and undercooked. The three main characters are, essentially, defined by the colours of their robots. Chokachi is red, 'Treach' is green, and Moore is blue. Chokachi is also the wildcard who gets results, obviously, but that doesn't matter when the action scenes take place, sequences that alternate between showing the cast badly pretending to be involved while enclosed in very cheap sets and showing us some bad CGI.

Director Jared Cohn adds nothing to the material either. He relies on the cast and the pacing, neither of which work well enough for even the most undemanding sci-fi/action movie fan. You get the usual selection of recycled sets and footage, you get a lacklustre score that is supposed to be rousing at times, and you get nothing to care about at any point in the film. Despite the stakes that are spelled out for you, nothing matters. Because everything is so badly faked that it's impossible to suspend your disbelief while watching.

Graham Greene is the main familiar face onscreen, playing the general trying to do his job under difficult circumstances, and he is the only reason I don't rate this any lower, even if he's given just as many awful lines of dialogue as everyone else. At least he retains a small iota of charisma, unlike the three bland leads.

This is one to avoid, like a lot of the mockbusters from The Asylum. But I'll end up seeing the second one too, goddammit I just KNOW I will. So expect a review of that at some point.

2/10

Brave souls can pick the film up here.
The same R2 disc can be bought here.

Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014)

The other plus to me reviewing, or trying to review, every movie I see. I can figure out past errors. Somehow, I gave Ian Ziering a different first name in my review of Sharknado. Sorry for that mistake, it's now been fixed. And now . . . . . . let's get to The Second One.

You may not believe, or want to hear, this. Sharknado 2: The Second One is a better movie than its predecessor. In fact, the first third of the movie has some inspired moments that had me thinking this could be a film to use as a lesson, showing others how schlocky, z-grade material can transgress those roots to become something so entertaining it's no longer "so bad it's good". It just ends up being genuinely good.

Unfortunately, that opening third of the movie is followed by a middle act that starts to test your patience, and everything is capped off by a finale that just fails to find the sweet spot so tantalisingly offered up to us in the first 15-20 minutes (a real delight, mainly thanks to a great riff on "Nightmare At 20,000 Feet").

Ian Ziering and Tara Reid return to face shark-infested weather, and they're joined this time by Vivica A. Fox, Mark McGrath, Judd Hirsch, Kari Wuhrer, and a whole host of famous faces turning up for cameos (Tiffany Shepis, Kelly Osbourne, Kurt Angle, Billy Ray Cyrus, Andy Dick, Richard Kind, and many others). The acting isn't necessarily better than it was in the first movie, but the absurd humour of the premise has been heightened and played upon in such a way as to make it seem that way.

Director Anthony C. Ferrante returns to help the ridiculousness, and he does it well, taking the script, by Thunder Levin, and running with it at every opportunity. There are things that don't work, but there are a surprising number of things that do. Some one-liners made me smirk, either because they were good or they were so bad that I still found them amusing (like a gag from a Christmas cracker). And all of those cameos add a fun "I Spy" layer to the proceedings.

The CGI is still pretty awful, but such is the way of many movies from The Asylum, and logic and continuity are nowhere to be seen, of course, but all of those things are forgivable when everything else is so much fun. It's just a shame that the fun is all drained away by the last 20 minutes, which take your goodwill and grind it down to almost nothing, leaving a sour taste in your mouth as the end credits run.

If you liked the first movie then you'll find enough here to provide some amusement. If you hated the first movie then don't come anywhere near this one. Personally, I'm already anticipating the third one (if/when it happens).

5/10

http://www.amazon.com/Sharknado-2-Second-One-Blu-ray/dp/B00LOCLDSG/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_blu?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1408397644&sr=1-1&keywords=sharknado+2

Sharknado (2013)

Don't pretend that you haven't heard of this one. The movie that had a poster/DVD cover featuring a tornado full of dangerous sharks, with the tagline: "Enough said!"

Sharknado is exactly what you think it will be. The plot is all about a freak hurricane that picks up lots of sharks and throws them into the streets of Los Angeles. While it's raining sharks (hallelujah?), our hero (Ian Ziering, playing a man named . . . . . . Fin) takes a few people along for the ride as he desperately heads out to help his ex-wife (Tara Reid) and protect his teenage-ish kids.

On one hand, there's no point in criticising Sharknado for succeeding at what it aims to be. Director Anthony C. Ferrante and writer Thunder Levin have crafted what may well be the new benchmark for Asylum movies (taking the crown from the mighty Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus). It's so high concept while also scraping the bottom of the barrel that it forms one almighty paradox wrapped in an oxymoron wrapped in a . . . . . . . . . CGI shark.

The acting from almost everyone onscreen is pretty dire. That's not to say that everyone is unforgivably bad. They're bad, but somehow still manage to win viewers over just by turning up and taking part in the madness. Tara Reid may be the most famous face onscreen, but you wouldn't know it from her acting skills. Let's be generous and assume that she lowered her performance levels to be in line with everyone else around her. Ziering isn't bad, but he's not very good either. John Heard is good fun, despite not being onscreen often enough, and Cassie Scerbo, Jaason Simmons, Chuck Hittinger and Aubrey Peeples all try their best to act like people . . . . . . . . . running scared from sharks that are being thrown from violent tornadoes.

The script is bad, with the obvious Jaws reference(s) being particularly groansome, the continuity is non-continuous and the special effects aren't all that special, but this has some fun moments here and there and certainly can't be accused of being dull.

I think I can sum up my reaction to Sharknado by summing up my reaction to one scene, in particular. The main characters try to tell people about the danger that they're in and try to move people away from shark-infested rainwaters. While doing so, one woman is knocking on the exterior of her car and asking someone to help her dog, who is locked in the car. This is obviously supposed to be a "save the dog, at least save the dog" moment a la Independence Day. But . . . . . but . . . . . but . . . . . the dog is INSIDE the car. The dog is LOCKED IN the car. This means that either a) the woman now wanting help to get her dog out somehow locked it in there in the first place and is, therefore, a bit of an idiot or b) the dog knew that shit was going down and decided to lock itself within the relatively safe shell of the car. Either way, that dog seems to be one of the smartest characters. Enough said!

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sharknado-DVD-Anthony-C-Ferrante/dp/B00EAR5PV8/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1376258930&sr=8-2&keywords=sharknado

American Warships (2012)

Well, I never thought I would do this but let's start this review by linking to a Daily Mail article here (you don't know how dirty and violated that makes me feel but it's necessary). That article details the sad story behind the name change for this film, another "mockbuster" from The Asylum that was originally slated to be released as American Battleship. Now, while I appreciate that many people hate The Asylum and can't even begin to understand why I tolerate their movies I can also appreciate these two facts:

1) The most common complaint levelled against The Asylum is a lack of originality. They're just copying the big, upcoming releases and trying to cynically cash in on big names. This is often very true. They do copy successful formulae and try to make as much money as possible before anyone cottons on to the fact that their film might be rubbish. And here's the thing about that - it's the exact same thing that Hollywood does every single week of the year. They may not be quite so upfront about it but does that make their moneymaking endeavours any closer to having artistic integrity? No, not at all. ARTISTS in Hollywood CAN have artistic integrity, of course, but I am talking about the big picture of the whole Hollywood game. The fact that Universal were worried by a small movie that looked to ride on the coat-tails of a blockbuster based on a boardgame is ever so slightly sad. One film is pretty much as unoriginal as the other so, to paraphrase that old AvP tagline - whoever wins . . . . . . . . audiences lose.

2) The word battleship is a word to describe a big ship that can take part in a battle. I'm pretty sure that the word existed before the game came along. Now, fair enough, if The Asylum tried to release American Hasbro Battleship I could see that being a problem but they didn't. They used A word that was shared by a big, recent release. If I wanted to write and develop a movie called Battleship Bomber I don't see any reason why that would be a problem. Or even writing and developing a film called British Battleship. I'm not denying that the content is another issue altogether, all I'm saying is that whatever Universal wanted from The Asylum a title change should not have been on the cards.

Anyway, after upsetting a number of people with those views, let me get on with the review.

American Warships is about a big BATTLESHIP* that finds itself warring against an invisible opponent. Other countries are suspected of starting hostilities and the world may end up on the brink of nuclear war but the only thing concerning the crew of the BATTLESHIP* is defeating the enemy before they are themselves destroyed.

Written and directed by Thunder Levin (which is one of the greatest names I have ever heard in my entire life - I now wish I had called my kids Thunder, Lightning and Hail), American Waships is a diverting enough piece of hokum. The main premise is completely ridiculous, of course, but then the same thing could be said of many other movies out there at your local multiplex (with hundreds of millions of dollars thrown at them). At least this film has a nice, but completely random, THX-1138 reference in the mix.

The special effects aren't so special but, overall, they do the job required when it comes to scenes featuring a BATTLESHIP* shooting at an unseen enemy. There are a few moments that are eye-searingly awful (a bunch of Navy SEALs trying to board the invisible craft ranks is laughably bad and looks like it was put together with a photobooth app) but it's generally a huge improvement over the cheap wire-frame Amiga 32-created models that The Asylum tend to put onscreen.

The cast aren't all that bad either. Mario Van Peebles is the man in charge of the BATTLESHIP*  and there's also a small role for the great Carl Weathers. It helps that Johanna Watts is absolutely gorgeous to look at while playing Lieutenant Bradley and the supporting players include Nikki McCauley as a bit of a brainy type who may just be able to come up with some alternative solutions to defeat the enemy and a bunch of disposable men playing . . . . . . . . . disposable men.

It's not a movie that you'll want to rush out and buy (films from The Asylum rarely are) but if you're attracted to the dumb premise then you should find enough here to keep you entertained from start to finish. Especially if you're a fan of BATTLESHIPS*.

 5/10

*The word BATTLESHIP/S is being used in this review simply as a descriptive word and not in any way relating to the trademarked boardgame.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/American-Warships-DVD-Mario-Peebles/dp/B0085K6I7Q/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1337803675&sr=1-1

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