Ghosthunters (2016)

Here's the bad news, for some of you anyway. This is another horror movie from The Asylum. It's not bad news for me though. As most people who know me will already know, I have a bit of a soft spot for The Asylum. They have certainly given me some stinkers to endure (and one of their movies was the very first that I gave a deserved 1/10 to) but I tend to find most of their output fairly painless, sometimes easy to laugh at, and sometimes even genuinely entertaining.

Ghosthunters comes close to breaking into the last category. Close, but not close enough. It's all about, as if you couldn't guess, a group of people who spend time in a house trying to hunt some ghosts. One member of the group, Neal (David O'Donnell), has created a device that can capture ghosts and contain their ectoplasm. Another group member, Henry (Stephen Manley), is more motivated than usual as he seeks to free the souls of his murdered wife and daughter.

There are one or two plot twists here that are incredibly silly, and also unnecessary, but Ghosthunters works quite well in a number of scenes. This is The Asylum showing that they can work in similar territory as James Wan and co. and horror fans should be kept relatively entertained by a number of decent, if predictable, scares.

Writer-director Pearry Reginald Teo may not have perfected the art of crafting a good horror script so it's good to know that he at least has a grasp on how to execute the scares, even if they are quite simplistic. They're jump scares that won't make hardened genre veterans jump, which doesn't make them any less enjoyable while the film is trying its hardest.

The cast don't do anything to elevate the script, sadly, and range from the eminently forgettable to the borderline terrible. O'Donnell isn't too bad, nor is Francesca Santoro (playing Amy, another group member), but Manley is a bit too jittery and over the top, and Liz Fenning and Crystal Web feel like their moments could have been combined to make one character.

I still enjoyed this, despite the many mistakes made, but I know that I am often more forgiving than many other viewers. I'd still say that it's worth your time though. A bit of reshuffling of the plot, some tweaking of the script, and perhaps a few more simple scares, and this could have been a genuinely good ghost flick. But then it wouldn't have felt like something from The Asylum, so maybe it's all for the best.

5/10

The DVD is available here.

Atlantic Rim (2013)

The recent cinema release of Pacific Rim 2 made me want to rush along and see it. Unfortunately, I couldn't. So I decided on the next best thing. I would finally watch the mockbuster version of the first movie, courtesy of The Asylum. How bad could it be?

There's no need to keep you in suspense here, the answer is very bad, very bad indeed.

The slight plot sees a big monster coming out of the sea to cause some major damage and death, which leads to three people (David Chokachi, Anthony 'Treach' Criss, and Jackie Moore) being placed in giant robot suits and ordered to explore the area, eventually fighting the big beastie. But that only leads to a brief reprieve. There's a bigger and tougher monster coming, and the suits need to be improved for fighting purposes.

Although running for just about 85 minutes, Atlantic Rim still overstays its welcome because the script - written by Richard Lima, Thunder Levin, and Hank Woon Jr - is so slight and undercooked. The three main characters are, essentially, defined by the colours of their robots. Chokachi is red, 'Treach' is green, and Moore is blue. Chokachi is also the wildcard who gets results, obviously, but that doesn't matter when the action scenes take place, sequences that alternate between showing the cast badly pretending to be involved while enclosed in very cheap sets and showing us some bad CGI.

Director Jared Cohn adds nothing to the material either. He relies on the cast and the pacing, neither of which work well enough for even the most undemanding sci-fi/action movie fan. You get the usual selection of recycled sets and footage, you get a lacklustre score that is supposed to be rousing at times, and you get nothing to care about at any point in the film. Despite the stakes that are spelled out for you, nothing matters. Because everything is so badly faked that it's impossible to suspend your disbelief while watching.

Graham Greene is the main familiar face onscreen, playing the general trying to do his job under difficult circumstances, and he is the only reason I don't rate this any lower, even if he's given just as many awful lines of dialogue as everyone else. At least he retains a small iota of charisma, unlike the three bland leads.

This is one to avoid, like a lot of the mockbusters from The Asylum. But I'll end up seeing the second one too, goddammit I just KNOW I will. So expect a review of that at some point.

2/10

Brave souls can pick the film up here.
The same R2 disc can be bought here.

Bonus Review: Bermuda Tentacles (2014)

It's a movie made for the SyFy Channel. It's made by The Asylum. Yes folks, roll up your sleeves. Things are about to get a bit bumpy. People who know me, or have read enough of my reviews, will know that I have a soft spot for these movies. I equate them to the cheap 'n' cheerful b-movies of yesteryear, with crappy CGI replacing dodgy practical effects. But even I'm willing to admit that the output from The Asylum is rarely actually good, in the traditional sense, and they sometimes churn out some real stinkers. In fact, most of their movies look as if they could have been developed from the fake trailers in Tropic Thunder.

No need to beat about the bush here. Bermuda Tentacles is one of their stinkers. The plot is so laughable that you may not believe it, but I'll cover the basics anyway. Air Force One gets into a bit of trouble over the sea, forcing the President Of The United States to eject in an emergency pod. A number of Navy vessels appear some time later, with orders to rescue the POTUS, and find themselves attacked by huge creatures that resemble overgrown flukeworms. It turns out that those creatures are actually connected to something much bigger, something that may have been causing so many disappearances over the waters of Bermuda for many years.

When watching any movie from The Asylum, it's always useful to remember a few key points. First of all, they have three different main sets they like to use. One is an all-purpose warehouse, which can double as a lab, military facility, prison, etc. The second is a ship/submarine/aeroplane - all vehicles which can be created with handy use of pipes, monitors, and machines that go ping. The third, and final, main set they use is an alien craft.
Second thing to bear in mind, they always try to get some big names to place in key roles. In Bermuda Tentacle we get Linda Hamilton as an Admiral, Jamie Kennedy as a Doctor (god help us all), and . . . . . . . . Mya as a Lieutenant. If you don't know who Mya is, she was the one who made you ask "who the hell is that?" in the all-star cover of Lady Marmalade that appeared up on the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. None of those people are the real hero of the hour, however, as that honour goes to Trevor Donovan, playing the kind of tough military man who can defy orders if he thinks he has a better way to approach the situation.
Last, but not least, remember that most of the movie will be made up of the aforementioned crappy CGI, repeated use of any "money shots", and many scenes horribly padded out to ensure that they outstay their welcome within moments.

The acting on display here isn't great, with everyone stuck belting out cliches from the script (written by Geoff Meed). The direction from Nick Lyon is barely okay, and that's me being kind. The whole movie is just a bit of a mess, starting off at a quick pace and then having to tread water, no pun intended, for the next hour or so. If you can watch this movie and care about the outcome by the time the third act comes around then you're a better viewer than I am.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/Bermuda-Tentacles-Trevor-Donovan/dp/B00L1WJIYU/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1416219316&sr=1-1&keywords=bermuda+tentacles

Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014)

The other plus to me reviewing, or trying to review, every movie I see. I can figure out past errors. Somehow, I gave Ian Ziering a different first name in my review of Sharknado. Sorry for that mistake, it's now been fixed. And now . . . . . . let's get to The Second One.

You may not believe, or want to hear, this. Sharknado 2: The Second One is a better movie than its predecessor. In fact, the first third of the movie has some inspired moments that had me thinking this could be a film to use as a lesson, showing others how schlocky, z-grade material can transgress those roots to become something so entertaining it's no longer "so bad it's good". It just ends up being genuinely good.

Unfortunately, that opening third of the movie is followed by a middle act that starts to test your patience, and everything is capped off by a finale that just fails to find the sweet spot so tantalisingly offered up to us in the first 15-20 minutes (a real delight, mainly thanks to a great riff on "Nightmare At 20,000 Feet").

Ian Ziering and Tara Reid return to face shark-infested weather, and they're joined this time by Vivica A. Fox, Mark McGrath, Judd Hirsch, Kari Wuhrer, and a whole host of famous faces turning up for cameos (Tiffany Shepis, Kelly Osbourne, Kurt Angle, Billy Ray Cyrus, Andy Dick, Richard Kind, and many others). The acting isn't necessarily better than it was in the first movie, but the absurd humour of the premise has been heightened and played upon in such a way as to make it seem that way.

Director Anthony C. Ferrante returns to help the ridiculousness, and he does it well, taking the script, by Thunder Levin, and running with it at every opportunity. There are things that don't work, but there are a surprising number of things that do. Some one-liners made me smirk, either because they were good or they were so bad that I still found them amusing (like a gag from a Christmas cracker). And all of those cameos add a fun "I Spy" layer to the proceedings.

The CGI is still pretty awful, but such is the way of many movies from The Asylum, and logic and continuity are nowhere to be seen, of course, but all of those things are forgivable when everything else is so much fun. It's just a shame that the fun is all drained away by the last 20 minutes, which take your goodwill and grind it down to almost nothing, leaving a sour taste in your mouth as the end credits run.

If you liked the first movie then you'll find enough here to provide some amusement. If you hated the first movie then don't come anywhere near this one. Personally, I'm already anticipating the third one (if/when it happens).

5/10

http://www.amazon.com/Sharknado-2-Second-One-Blu-ray/dp/B00LOCLDSG/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_blu?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1408397644&sr=1-1&keywords=sharknado+2

Zombie Apocalypse (2011)

It's another movie from The Asylum and it's another low-budget zombie movie from some global production line that seems to do nothing more than churn out low-budget zombie movies. And yet I keep watching, because if a movie has a zombie in it then I'll give it a go. A lack of budget CAN be a good thing when the director and crew find other ways to cover their shortcomings. Of course, that's rarely the case with movies from The Asylum. They not only fail to cover their shortcomings, but they coat them in neon paint and place them in position to be seen by all and sundry. I love and hate them in equal measure.

In Zombie Apocalypse there's been a bit of a zombie apocalypse, as if you couldn't have figured that out from the title. The opening of the movie isn't too bad, sketching out a timeline of events and showing things on a global scale. Sadly, it's all downhill from there. Viewers are forced to spend time with some of the worst survivors of a zombie epidemic that I can think of. One of them is played by Taryn Manning, none of them would be alive if this movie was trying to provide a semblance of reality. It's okay, however, because they're soon joined by a group that includes Ving Rhames, and we all know that Ving Rhames is a bad motherfucker who can fend off zombies. These people then wander around, killing zombies and making a number of bad decisions, until they meet more people. Then they all wander around some more, aiming for a dock that should allow them to catch a ferry to their ultimate destination. Because there's nothing more reliable in the midst of a zombie outbreak than a scheduled ferry service.

Nick Lyon is the man trying to lead from the director's chair, but he's hampered by the script from Brooks Peck and Craig Engler. Scripts have never been strong in movies from The Asylum so it's hard to hate Peck and Engler for not rocking the boat. It's just a shame that they made the movie so dull. A few CGI-enhanced deaths in the opening scenes provide a bit of fun, but they soon become tiring when you start to spot the same special effect being used again and again (which is also another signature move from The Asylum).

As for the cast, Manning seems to be fleeting in and out of a vegetative state for most of the movie, Rhames repeats some of his standard tough guy act, and the likes of Eddie Steeples, Gary Weeks and Johnny Pacar try to look handsome and/or strong and/or vulnerable while Lesley-Ann Brandt, Lilan Bowden and Anya Monzikova try to look pretty and/or strong and/or vulnerable.

This is not the worst zombie movie ever made, by a long shot, but that says more about the amount of shockingly bad zombie movies out there than it does about the quality of this one. Zombie Apocalypse might be an adequate time-waster for you, but only if you've exhausted ALL other possibilities.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Zombie-Apocalypse-DVD-Ving-Rhames/dp/B00767CMLK/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1363037622&sr=8-10

Sharknado (2013)

Don't pretend that you haven't heard of this one. The movie that had a poster/DVD cover featuring a tornado full of dangerous sharks, with the tagline: "Enough said!"

Sharknado is exactly what you think it will be. The plot is all about a freak hurricane that picks up lots of sharks and throws them into the streets of Los Angeles. While it's raining sharks (hallelujah?), our hero (Ian Ziering, playing a man named . . . . . . Fin) takes a few people along for the ride as he desperately heads out to help his ex-wife (Tara Reid) and protect his teenage-ish kids.

On one hand, there's no point in criticising Sharknado for succeeding at what it aims to be. Director Anthony C. Ferrante and writer Thunder Levin have crafted what may well be the new benchmark for Asylum movies (taking the crown from the mighty Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus). It's so high concept while also scraping the bottom of the barrel that it forms one almighty paradox wrapped in an oxymoron wrapped in a . . . . . . . . . CGI shark.

The acting from almost everyone onscreen is pretty dire. That's not to say that everyone is unforgivably bad. They're bad, but somehow still manage to win viewers over just by turning up and taking part in the madness. Tara Reid may be the most famous face onscreen, but you wouldn't know it from her acting skills. Let's be generous and assume that she lowered her performance levels to be in line with everyone else around her. Ziering isn't bad, but he's not very good either. John Heard is good fun, despite not being onscreen often enough, and Cassie Scerbo, Jaason Simmons, Chuck Hittinger and Aubrey Peeples all try their best to act like people . . . . . . . . . running scared from sharks that are being thrown from violent tornadoes.

The script is bad, with the obvious Jaws reference(s) being particularly groansome, the continuity is non-continuous and the special effects aren't all that special, but this has some fun moments here and there and certainly can't be accused of being dull.

I think I can sum up my reaction to Sharknado by summing up my reaction to one scene, in particular. The main characters try to tell people about the danger that they're in and try to move people away from shark-infested rainwaters. While doing so, one woman is knocking on the exterior of her car and asking someone to help her dog, who is locked in the car. This is obviously supposed to be a "save the dog, at least save the dog" moment a la Independence Day. But . . . . . but . . . . . but . . . . . the dog is INSIDE the car. The dog is LOCKED IN the car. This means that either a) the woman now wanting help to get her dog out somehow locked it in there in the first place and is, therefore, a bit of an idiot or b) the dog knew that shit was going down and decided to lock itself within the relatively safe shell of the car. Either way, that dog seems to be one of the smartest characters. Enough said!

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sharknado-DVD-Anthony-C-Ferrante/dp/B00EAR5PV8/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1376258930&sr=8-2&keywords=sharknado

Hold Your Breath (2012)

Over in America, this horror movie was touted as the first theatrical release from The Asylum. Most people who know me, and my dubious taste, will know that I have quite a love-hate relationship with The Asylum. They made Transmorphers, the first movie I ever gave a lowly 1/10 rating, but they also gave me dumb fun such as Mega Piranha and the infamous Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus. I keep defending them, despite their business model built around "mockbusters" and SyFy Channel movies, and people keep telling me off for it. Well, it's not going to change, especially now that they're starting to take some more risks and put out some more original product (which, contrary to popular belief, they have been doing for some time - it's just that the mockbusters get the press, so to speak).

Hold Your Breath isn't really that good, but it has one or two decent death scenes and might be okay for a rental if you have enough beers beside you. Part of me knows that this film just isn't good enough while another part of me wants it to do okay, just well enough to encourage the company to keep trying. Perhaps if they keep trying, they'll make something good enough to surprise us all.

The plot is standard horror 101. A prologue shows viewers a nasty murderer being put to death and then things move forward to a bunch of pretty young things all heading away for a weekend trip. Apparently, there's an urban myth that while passing a cemetery you have to hold your breath. If you don't do it then any evil, restless spirit can enter you and make you do bad things. Can you guess what happens as the group drives past a cemetery?

Directed by Jared Cohn, and written by Geoff Meed (who himself directed the absolutely awful The Amityville Haunting), this starts off badly, picks up slightly after the main titles and then proceeds to slide, slowly and surely, back down to the bottom of the pile. The concept of the evil spirit taking people over and turning them into evil killers isn't that bad, it was done well in the likes of Shocker and Fallen, but in between numerous average scenes The Asylum end up shoehorning in a lot of poor, and unnecessary, CGI.

The cast is a real mixed bag and I'm not going to pretend that I cared enough about everyone onscreen to stop them from blurring into one big potential murder victim. Katrina Bowden is the best thing onscreen by a country mile, though Steve Hanks also does well with his role. As for the others, Seth Cassell may stand out slightly from the others, but Lisa Younger, Jordan Pratt-Thatcher, Brad Slaughter and Randy Wayne could all get together and rob me at gunpoint and I wouldn't be able to remember a thing about them. It's not that they are terrible or completely nondescript, it's just that they're not given any material to help differentiate themselves from one another. ANY of the men and women onscreen, for the most part, could play any of the other men or women.

I'm not bothered by the fact that the film doesn't supply the horror genre with a memorable new villain, I don't care that the script is pretty clunky and preposterous and I don't even mind that the characters aren't all that likable. What stops me from rating this film as even an average horror are the many moments that just feel lazy and careless. It's not THAT hard to make a generic, uninventive horror movie. To make one that doesn't even stand up well alongside OTHER generic and uninventive horror movies is never good. And that bothers me.

4/10

http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Breath-Blu-ray-Katrina-Bowden/dp/B009T43QC2/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1365214997&sr=8-2&keywords=hold+your+breath

The Amityville Haunting (2011)

EASILY one of the worst movies that I've ever seen. EASILY. And I think that people know me well enough by now to know that I'm a very generous reviewer who can put up with a lot of rubbish. If something looks like an effort has been made or has some heart then I'll go easy on it. If something at least has fun despite a low budget then I'll admit that I was mildly entertained. Many bad movies can still have some good points. This film, basically, had absolutely nothing going for it at all.

The laziness is easy to spot from the very beginning. The movie brings up some title cards that tell viewers about the infamous Amityville house. One piece of information concerns the Lutz family and how they were plagued by paranormal activity during their two year stay there. Sorry, two years? Anyone who has seen either of the movies featuring the Lutz family or who has read the book or who even just knows of the story knows, surely, that the family lasted 28 days. That was it. We then get some footage taken by people pottering around a house at night and then, eventually, we get to the main part of the movie - a family moving into the accursed house and suffering from some activity of the paranormal type.

It's a real shame that this movie is SO bad because I have enjoyed the other found footage films from The Asylum. In fact, Paranormal Entity, Gacy House and Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes were easily among the better titles churned out by the company that specialises in cheap 'n' cheerful rip-offs. It's easy to think that found footage movies are the easiest kind to make but, in reality, they take just as much (and sometimes more) planning and effort as any other movie. Sometimes. Though we can assume that nobody told director Geoff Meed that.

To call the people onscreen actors would be insulting to others in the profession. Too harsh? Okay, maybe Gracie Largent and Amy Van Horne do better but Jason Williams gives the worst performance that I can recall, and that includes my memory of Troll 2. He's not helped by a horrible script but that's not an excuse for just how bad he is. Speaking of horrible scripts, I couldn't even find out who wrote this film so maybe it was plotted out and then improvised or maybe the writer has had an attack of shame and gone into hiding. Young Devin Clark also fares poorly and he's stuck with being the character who films everything despite almost everyone else telling him every few minutes to just put down the damn camera and give them some space.

It's always the biggest problem in films of this type - why would someone keep filming? - and there's no moment in this movie that even remotely comes close to making a decent excuse for it. Some security cameras are also used but most of the footage comes from this young lad always being told to stop filming.

I could have been generous to this movie and given it a 2 or a 3, some of the effects are okay and . . . . . . no, that's all I can think of, but I was so angry by the time the end credits rolled (despite the absolutely hilarious scene in which the father of the family goes into military mode) that I knew I had to warn everyone away from this sloppy, amateur, unscary cash-in. Avoid at all costs. I hope that either Geoff Meed took a HELL of a lot of notes while working on this movie and aims to keep getting better at his job or that he just realises being a director isn't for him and gives up.

1/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Amityville-Haunting-DVD-Luke-Barnett/dp/B007JI9B6A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348212190&sr=8-1

The Haunting Of Whaley House (2012)

The Asylum reappear once more on this blog (and I'm sure that they'll continue to grace this little corner of the internet with their presence) and this time it's with another one of their haunted house movies. Now, as much as many people seem to have an aversion to The Asylum and their working model, many people are most probably aware of how much I tend to enjoy their output. Some of their movies are awful, some of their movies are entertainingly awful and some of their movies, as hard as others find it to believe, are properly enjoyable. The haunted house movies that they've released (including the Paranormal Entity films and A Haunting In Salem) have been very entertaining, which is why I had high hopes for The Haunting Of Whaley House.

It's a step down from their other haunted house movies but still fun nonetheless. The premise is wonderfully simple - a young woman (Penny, played by Stephanie Greco) gets a job showing people around a haunted house. She doesn't believe it's actually haunted but that doesn't matter, the other woman taking the tours round (Bethany Romero, played by the lovely Lynn Lowry)  does and she advises Penny not to take things lightly. So you know that trouble is coming when Penny's friends convince her to let them all go around on their own private tour.

Written and directed by Jose Prendes, The Haunting Of Whaley House provides what you'd expect it to provide. There are some dumb teens, there's one moment of fleeting nudity and there are ghosts. Sadly none of these things are treated in the best possible way. The dumb teens are bland and interchangeable, the fleeting nudity is too fleeting (oh, everyone knows how shallow I can be so don't act all surprised now) and the ghosts don't show themselves enough to provide the easy jumps that a film this low on tension could benefit from.

Thankfully, there are some good moments that manage to entertain and the presence of Lynn Lowry in a cameo role makes everything a bit easier to endure for horror fans but the movie is, ultimately, something that you can all too easily miss out on with no regrets.

5/10

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2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

If you've seen a number of killer shark movies and often found yourself thinking "well, sure, they're scary and dangerous but they would be even scarier and MORE dangerous if they had two heads" then this is the film for you. It's another gem from the folks at The Asylum and it's pretty bad, I'm sad to say.

2-Headed Shark Attack is yet another movie that you can't possibly begin viewing without knowing what to expect. Would you be astonished if I told you that it concerned a group of young adults being attacked by a 2-headed shark? No, no you wouldn't. The biggest stars in the cast are Carmen Electra and Charlie (brother of Jerry) O'Connell while everyone else seems to have been chosen for their willingness to act alongside some of the worst special effects since "Button Moon". Brooke Hogan tries to acquit herself as the lead but she's ill-served by the material, as are all of the other actors.

Christopher Ray gets to sit in the big chair and direct stuff based on a screenplay by H. Perry Horton and it's hard to think of who to blame more for the final result. A movie that could have been a bit of dumb fun (as so may of the other creature features from the studio are) is bogged down by a mix of laughably poor practical effects, CGI that looks like it could have been created on a mobile phone and a script that, I kid you not, includes the following clarification about 3/4 of the way into the movie: "Two heads is twice as many teeth".

I know that movies of this kind aren't going to be the most stimulating movies around, I know that the budget is limited and that logic often has to take a back seat. Anyone who has knowledge of the many low-budget horror movies that I've enjoyed already knows that I know that. Yet there's no excuse for something quite this irritating. A bunch of characters that you really don't care for are terrorised by a bunch of pixels that don't provide one iota of tension. I was tempted to give this an even lower rating but it's saved by two things. 1 - it's never dull. 2 - unusually for a creature feature from the studio, there's some gratuitous nudity in the mix (not for long but it's at least a bonus for male viewers enduring the whole movie).


3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/2-Headed-Shark-Attack-Carmen-Electra/dp/B00623N54C/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341604720&sr=8-1

Yes, this is a completely gratuitous opportunity to post a pic of Carmen Electra in a bikini but, trust me, this is a damn sight better than any images that I could have posted containing the laughable 2-headed shark.

Nazis At The Center Of The Earth (2012)

*****************************MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD*****************************


Another day, another release from the lunatics who run The Asylum. This time it's Nazis At The Center Of The Earth. Reminding people that they don't just try to cash in on the success of big blockbusters, The Asylum try to make a quick buck off the b-movie greatness of Iron Sky. Considering that the last time they tried to copy such an enjoyable cult hit we ended up with the awful Snakes On A Train I wasn't holding out too much hope for this one. Thankfully, I was very wrong and this movie turned out to be absolutely mad in all the right ways, a deliriously ridiculous slice of hokum. In fact, it's SO hilarious and over the top that I couldn't help thinking I'd already seen it all done before in an episode of Futurama. Fans of great cinema should turn away now but anyone who shares my fondness for the dubious delights released from The Asylum should enjoy this one.

As if I really needed to explain the plot to you, it's all there in the title. A bunch of young folks working in  Antarctica are a bit bemused when a couple of their colleagues disappear. They're quickly even further bemused when they go looking for the missing colleagues and find an underground area that houses a bunch of zombie Nazi types engaging in experiments to prolong their lifespans.

Nazis . . . . . they just don't know when to stop exfoliating.

The experiments are being led by a certain Dr. Mengele (Christopher Karl Johnson) and he's very pleased when he captures his latest group of "test subjects". Surely it won't be long now until he discovers the breakthrough that can lead to a big, pissed off, zombie robo-Hitler.
See what I mean now about the Futurama episode? Am I right or am I right?

Whatever could that be? Oh, of course, it's a big, pissed off, zombie roboHitler!!!

With this completely ridiculous premise to work with, everything else pretty much has to aim at a certain level. The script by Paul Bales is suitably hilarious (in a number of intentional and unintentional ways) while the direction from Joseph J. Lawson just rattles through one gloriously daft moment after another. The special effects are often a bit better than past efforts from the studio (I think they just maybe have more programs locked in place and stock footage in the vault after each movie) and the whole film is boosted by the fact that it's so hilariously tasteless.

As for the cast, they're not really a memorable bunch. Jake Busey is the most recognisable one here, and his first scene is very funny (he gets to spout a lot of scientific nonsense before we are quickly made aware of just what a maverick he is). Dominique Swain is likeable enough, as is Josh Allen, while Christopher Karl Johnson makes Mengele into a good villain. As for everyone else, they all do well enough and deserve a bit of praise for going along with the whole absurd concept.

If you can tell me what real purpose this guy serves except to be onscreen looking like a strange cross between Jay Leno and 'Weird' Al Yankovic then please send me answers on a postcard.

Once again, this is a movie that shouldn't be rated highly by anyone who loves cinema (and I like to class myself as a cinema lover, despite my dodgy viewing choices) but it's so much fun and so damn entertaining from start to finish that I can't place it on the lower end of the scale. Therefore, I shall defend my rating in this way - the movie is fun and lively and deserves an above average score BUT it also tries to cash in on the success of another movie, has one or two moments of tedious exposition and doesn't really step up a gear during the third act so it sinks to a below average score BUT it has some good effects here and there, a distressing male takeover of the pro-choice movement and zombie frickin' Nazis. I fully expect to be met with derision on this one but the final score manages to edge just above average.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Nazis-Center-Earth-Dominique-Swain/dp/B0073HYCCA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1338389233&sr=8-2

American Warships (2012)

Well, I never thought I would do this but let's start this review by linking to a Daily Mail article here (you don't know how dirty and violated that makes me feel but it's necessary). That article details the sad story behind the name change for this film, another "mockbuster" from The Asylum that was originally slated to be released as American Battleship. Now, while I appreciate that many people hate The Asylum and can't even begin to understand why I tolerate their movies I can also appreciate these two facts:

1) The most common complaint levelled against The Asylum is a lack of originality. They're just copying the big, upcoming releases and trying to cynically cash in on big names. This is often very true. They do copy successful formulae and try to make as much money as possible before anyone cottons on to the fact that their film might be rubbish. And here's the thing about that - it's the exact same thing that Hollywood does every single week of the year. They may not be quite so upfront about it but does that make their moneymaking endeavours any closer to having artistic integrity? No, not at all. ARTISTS in Hollywood CAN have artistic integrity, of course, but I am talking about the big picture of the whole Hollywood game. The fact that Universal were worried by a small movie that looked to ride on the coat-tails of a blockbuster based on a boardgame is ever so slightly sad. One film is pretty much as unoriginal as the other so, to paraphrase that old AvP tagline - whoever wins . . . . . . . . audiences lose.

2) The word battleship is a word to describe a big ship that can take part in a battle. I'm pretty sure that the word existed before the game came along. Now, fair enough, if The Asylum tried to release American Hasbro Battleship I could see that being a problem but they didn't. They used A word that was shared by a big, recent release. If I wanted to write and develop a movie called Battleship Bomber I don't see any reason why that would be a problem. Or even writing and developing a film called British Battleship. I'm not denying that the content is another issue altogether, all I'm saying is that whatever Universal wanted from The Asylum a title change should not have been on the cards.

Anyway, after upsetting a number of people with those views, let me get on with the review.

American Warships is about a big BATTLESHIP* that finds itself warring against an invisible opponent. Other countries are suspected of starting hostilities and the world may end up on the brink of nuclear war but the only thing concerning the crew of the BATTLESHIP* is defeating the enemy before they are themselves destroyed.

Written and directed by Thunder Levin (which is one of the greatest names I have ever heard in my entire life - I now wish I had called my kids Thunder, Lightning and Hail), American Waships is a diverting enough piece of hokum. The main premise is completely ridiculous, of course, but then the same thing could be said of many other movies out there at your local multiplex (with hundreds of millions of dollars thrown at them). At least this film has a nice, but completely random, THX-1138 reference in the mix.

The special effects aren't so special but, overall, they do the job required when it comes to scenes featuring a BATTLESHIP* shooting at an unseen enemy. There are a few moments that are eye-searingly awful (a bunch of Navy SEALs trying to board the invisible craft ranks is laughably bad and looks like it was put together with a photobooth app) but it's generally a huge improvement over the cheap wire-frame Amiga 32-created models that The Asylum tend to put onscreen.

The cast aren't all that bad either. Mario Van Peebles is the man in charge of the BATTLESHIP*  and there's also a small role for the great Carl Weathers. It helps that Johanna Watts is absolutely gorgeous to look at while playing Lieutenant Bradley and the supporting players include Nikki McCauley as a bit of a brainy type who may just be able to come up with some alternative solutions to defeat the enemy and a bunch of disposable men playing . . . . . . . . . disposable men.

It's not a movie that you'll want to rush out and buy (films from The Asylum rarely are) but if you're attracted to the dumb premise then you should find enough here to keep you entertained from start to finish. Especially if you're a fan of BATTLESHIPS*.

 5/10

*The word BATTLESHIP/S is being used in this review simply as a descriptive word and not in any way relating to the trademarked boardgame.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/American-Warships-DVD-Mario-Peebles/dp/B0085K6I7Q/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1337803675&sr=1-1

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Titanic II (2010)

It's another cannily-titled cash-in from our friends at The Asylum and if you can't guess the movie they're hoping to emulate then perhaps you deserve to be forced into watching the thing. But, before I get carried away with easy mockery and insults, I must just say that this is far from the worst of the movies to come from The Asylum. In fact, it's actually almost good though these films always lose a few points for the cynical way that sees them being created in the first place.

The Titanic II is a ship (hence the title, this is NOT a sequel to James Cameron's Titanic) that is due to travel on the same journey as the original Titanic did exactly one hundred years previously. If you're superstitious then you may not want to get on the ship but plenty of people (desperate actors, desperate wannabe models and out-of-work service staff, by the looks of things) throw caution to the wind and grab themselves a ticket. Well, of all the unlikely and unfortunate events to occur, a huge ice shelf breaks off many miles away and sends a tsunami wave towards the ship. There are also big blocks of ice that may cause quite a bit of damage. Oh, and another wave is due to head their way that's even bigger.

Directed and written by Shane Van Dyke (son of Barry Van Dyke and grandson of Dick Van Dyke), Titanic II actually does what it sets out to do fairly well. It sets up the main characters, sketches out the leanest of backstories, throws onscreen a load of disposable victims and gets the threat developed as quickly as possible. The FX work is disappointing but also an improvement on past works from the studio.

Shane Van Dyke also takes one of the main roles and he's not too bad. Okay, nobody is too great either but I'd have to concede that the acting here is also an improvement over past efforts from The Asylum. Marie Westbrook and Michelle Glavan aren't the best actresses but are likeable enough as the destruction threatens them at every turn. Brooke Burns is also okay and Bruce Davison deserves better at this stage in his career but works well with what he's given. Everyone else overacts appropriately and gets to throw themselves around as the camera tilts and judders to simulate the effects of a ship being battered in the middle of the ocean.

If you're after something that's of proper movie quality and measured by the standards of fare that can get into the local multiplex then look elsewhere. But if you're after something that's enjoyable enough while it passes the time, laughable in places, cheap and cheerful throughout and amusingly ridiculous then you could do a lot worse than watching this film.

4/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Titanic-DVD-Shayne-Van-Dyke/dp/B004CFH9EO

Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes (2010) AKA Paranormal Entity 3.

N.B. This review has been updated since more information has become available, including the fact that over here in the UK the movie was eventually released as Paranormal Entity 3: The Exorcist Tapes.

It's another rip-off from The Asylum, this time trying to mix The Exorcism Of Emily Rose with The Exorcist with The Last Exorcism, and it's another one of their better outings, though not actually a great film.

Much like Paranormal Entity (their rip-off of Paranormal Activity), this movie works because the central concept is pretty solid. It's simply showing an exorcism from footage that the film claims is real. Doctors argue with priests and try to get to the root of the problem as young Anneliese gets worse and worse and things get increasingly dangerous for everyone involved.

I had a quick browse around for information on this movie and couldn't find anything. Not. One. Thing.

Even on the website for The Asylum itself there are no cast or crew members listed and  I can only come to the conclusion that they think people in the big wide world will actually believe that the footage shown is real.

Some of the events depicted almost get into scary territory (the lead actress, Nikki Muller, playing Anneliese does her best with the physical side of things and there's a moment of genuine creepiness near the end with Anneliese moving out of a wheelchair to terrorise someone) but things are undermined by the bad acting from the majority of the cast and the terrible German accents.

Without enough detail and authenticity to actually convince as a "real" event, the movie has no major selling point. It also gets quite dull in places because of the many scenes featuring just black backgrounds with actual audio from the real exorcism being played over the top (which you can listen to on YouTube if you're interested) and the many other scenes focusing on nothing more than the priests and doctors arguing over the best way to treat Anneliese. But at least the lo-fi approach helps to gloss over the usual gamut of failings that The Asylum movies usually provide.

5/10.

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