Battledogs (2013)

When a young woman (Ariana Richards) turns a bit funny as she arrives at a New York airport she ends up causing quite a major situation. You see, she infects a number of people with what becomes known as the lupine virus. That means that when people get agitated they turn into werewolves. Vicious werewolves that appear to have jumped out of the nearest Playstation One. Anyway, Craig Sheffer and Kate Vernon play two people wanting to find a cure and help the situation, Dennis Haysbert is an uncaring military leader who wants to harness the power of the lupine virus and weaponise it, and Ernie Hudson pops up just long enough for fans of Ghostbusters to say: "look, Ernie Hudson."

This is how the main creatures look

Directed by Alexander Yellen and written by Shane Van Dyke, Battledogs may be full of horrible dialogue, uneven acting and special effects so bad that they will make your eyes water, but it also manages to be surprisingly enjoyable. God knows that I was expecting to do little more than endure this one, I'm as surprised as anyone else to have found a number of redeeming features.

THIS is a battledog!!!!!!!

The first redeeming feature is the cast. Although they are given the unenviable task of trying to polish a turd, forgive the expression, most of them still try to sell the ridiculous premise. Haysbert may be given the worst treatment by the script, but Sheffer, Hudson, Richards and Vernon all fare slightly better. They're not giving great performances, but they don't do too badly. Of course, maybe I was just expecting a LOT worse.

The second redeeming feature is the pacing of the thing. This starts off at a fair pace and never really lets up until the very end. Yes, there are inevitable moments of downtime but nothing ever gets so bad that you start clockwatching.

Third, there's just a healthy sense of fun about the whole thing. It's not being tongue-in-cheek, it's not trying to be some minor cult hit, but this aims to please. Despite the relatively small budget, it throws in many creature moments and keeps trying to punch above its weight. Most of those punches miss, but it's hard not to grudgingly admire the attempt.

Battledogs is NOT a good movie, yet I didn't hate it. I could bring myself to watch it again. But only if I really had to.

4/10


http://www.amazon.com/Battledogs-Blu-ray-Haysbert/dp/B00BMUL966/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380191348&sr=8-1&keywords=battledogs

THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter (1974)

In some ways this is a typical Hammer outing and, yet, in so many other ways it is definitely one of their more unusual releases. A lot of the credit must go to writer-director Brian Clemens, and I must express my regret that he didn't direct any other movies, either for Hammer or anyone else who could have utilised his vivid imagination and talent.

A number of young women are found dead or dying in the English countryside, they have blood on their lips and have aged terribly in the space of just a fleeting moment. What can be the cause of this? The local doctor (Dr Marcus, played by John Carson) feels that his good friend Captain Kronos (Horst Janson) will be able to get to the bottom of things. There is foul play here and no man is better than Kronos for dealing with such dark matters, ably assisted as he is by the hunch-backed Professor Hieronymus Grost (and "what he doesn't know about vampirism wouldn't fill a flea's codpiece"). Oh, did I say vampirism? Yes, that is the root cause of the problem here, and, while this may not come as much of a surprise, the way the attacks occur in daylight and the revelation that every vampire needs a different method of being despatched help to keep this film feeling fresher than many other Hammer vampire movies.

With the added lure of the beautiful Caroline Munro, playing Carla, and the usual Hammer production values (hmmm, okay, the films may have varied at times but this one looks good enough to me), this is a great film for fans who want their standard fare with some nice, quirky touches. The vampires also have reflections, nothing here is rooted so deeply into the accepted mythos that it cannot be turned on it's head. We also get some wonderful moments and additional titbits such as buried dead toads coming back to life if a vampire walks over/close enough to them and the fact that the cross only protects those who believe in it. I do not know if these have ever had any basis in the lore of olden days but they are fascinating and enjoyable new additions to the proceedings.

The acting is fairly good all round (although John Cater is the standout as the Professor), there are enough red herrings to keep you wondering who is the ultimate baddie (surely that Durward family has some skeleton in the closet . . . or what about the local thug in ye olde tavern?), the script is full of both light and very, very dark humour (most notably in a scene with Grost and Kronos trying to find out how to kill a vampire they have restrained) and the pace never flags as our swashbuckling hero strives to save the English countryside and, of course, his companions. A wonderful little movie that deserves to be seen by fans of the genre and the company it came from.

8/10

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Creepshow 2 (1987)

Following Creepshow was always going to be a tough job, but I'm pleased to say that Creepshow 2 holds up as a decent little sequel. It's not on a par with the greatness of the original movie, but there's something for everyone and the mix of horror drawn from comic tales is once again nicely evoked, this time with animated sequences in between each tale.

Slimming down from five tales to only three, things begin with Old Chief Woodenhead, which is all about a nice, elderly couple (played by George Kennedy and Dorothy Lamour) who are sorely wronged. But their fates will be avenged. The second tale is my favourite of the three. The Raft, a tale of four young folk who swim out to spend some time on a raft and end up trapped by . . . . . . . . . something that looks like an oil slick but devours animals like The Blob. Last, but not least, comes The Hitchhiker, the tale of an unfaithful wife (Lois Chiles) driving home from her latest tumble between the sheets and hitting a hitchhiker (Tom Wright) in her haste. She drives off, but it turns out that the hitchhiker still needs a lift.

Based on stories by Stephen King, this was written for the screen by George A. Romero (with some uncredited help from Lucille Fletcher, apparently) and directed by Michael Gornick. It lacks the commitment to that gaudy E.C. Comics style that the original movie had but the crudely animated sequences linking each of the tales do enough to remind viewers of the thrill felt when encountering these horror tales for the first time.

The cast all do a decent enough job. This was the last movie role for Dorothy Lamour, and she and George Kennedy make such a sweet pairing that it's not the worst swansong she could have gone for. The stars of The Raft - Paul Satterfield, Daniel Beer, Jeremy Green and Page Hannah - are there to play second fiddle of the featured creature, and that's what they do. Lois Chiles is saddled with too many moments that have her filling out backstory by talking to herself during her drive, but Tom Wright fares better with the main line that he gets to repeat, catchphrase-like. Tom Savini appears, although he's pretty much unrecognisable, as The Creep and Stephen King is fun to spot as a helpful truck driver.

While it doesn't ever hit the heights of the first movie, this is still a lot of fun for horror fans and it just manages not to outstay its welcome. It's an easy watch, nothing more and nothing less.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Creepshow-2-DVD-Domenick-John/dp/B003H9MXRE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380213121&sr=8-1&keywords=creepshow+2

 

Paranormal Asylum (2013)

AKA Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge Of Typhoid Mary.

A stumbling, shambolic mess of a movie, Paranormal Asylum is a horror film clearly designed to appeal to as many people as possible, inevitably failing to please anyone. The title itself is designed to grab the Paranormal Activity fans, of course, and then there are the many moments that place the film in "found footage" territory. Sadly, the movie doesn't even have the courage of its convictions, which leaves the camerawork moving between cinema verite and a more traditional movie style.

Aaron Mathias plays Mark Goodwin, a young man who is setting out to make a film with his long-time friend, Andy (Nathan Spiteri). Mark tried his luck in L.A. for a number of years but that didn't work out. Andy may not have moved upwards with his career, but he's certainly had success in his love life, somehow managing to find and keep hold of the lovely Michelle (Laura Gilreath). I've just spent as much time making you care for these main characters as the movie does, and I'm not about to spend much more time and energy on them.

Director Nimrod Zalmanowitz spends most of the movie reminding unfortunate viewers that this is his first time directing a feature while writers Gregory Scott Houghton and Fred Edison seem to spend the entire movie . . . . . . . . taking the piss, to be quite frank. Character decisions aren't just stupid, they're off the scale stupid. As well as the, now obligatory, footage being filmed that is rarely looked over by those doing the filming we get major incidents shown that are never spoken of again. Seriously, who the hell watches someone dragged along by an invisible force and thinks that it isn't worth discussing afterwards? Or who decides not to mention a bizarre suicide that they've just witnessed?

It's hard to criticise Mathias, Spiteri and Gilreath too much, knowing the poor material that they had to work with, but I'll allow them to share the blame anyway.The performances onscreen range from the not too bad, such as Grace Evans, to the generally awful, the three main leads, to the mind-bogglingly bad - poor Boomer Tibbs, for example.

Paranormal Asylum is one to avoid at all costs. Well, one to avoid until you have enough beers in, some snacks and the urge to see something laughably bad.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Paranormal-Asylum-DVD-Aaron-Mathias/dp/B00BZWI2HU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1379941430&sr=8-1&keywords=paranormal+asylum

Terror Tract (2000)

A horror anthology movie with a nice streak of black humour weaving through most of it, Terror Tract sits very much in a safe middle ground when compared to other films of its ilk.

John Ritter plays Bob Carter, a real estate agent showing some lovely homes to Allen and Mary Ann Doyle (David DeLuise and Allison Smith). Bob Carter is a charming, decent man but he may just be a bit too honest for his job. He ends up telling the Doyles a story in each house that they visit, a story about the people who previously owned the property. There don't seem to be too many happy endings.
House/tale 1 - Sarah York plays an unfaithful wife who is about to be caught out by her husband, played by Fredric Lehne. Carmine Giovinazzo is the lover caught in the middle of a very nasty situation and Wade Williams is the local law enforcement who starts to suspect that something is amiss.
House/tale 2 - Bryan Cranston finds his life turned upside down by a vicious monkey. Yes, you read that right. Bryan Cranston vs. a monkey.
House/tale 3 - A young man (Sean Estes) tries explaining to a doctor (Brenda Strong) that he seems to have some psychic link to a serial killer. The doctor is, understandably, on edge and wonders whether or not the young man actually IS the killer, dissociating himself from his actions.

The downside of Terror Tract is that none of the individual tales are that great. The second tale is the best, mainly because, as I may have mentioned, it has Bryan Cranston vs. a monkey, but this is an anthology movie lacking that one great story that everyone can pick as their favourite.

The acting is solid from everyone, the script by Clint Hutchison is okay, if a bit flat, and the direction from both Hutchison and Lance W. Dreesen is competent, if unremarkable. Where the movie excels is in the wraparound content. Ritter is as much fun as he usually is, DeLuise and Smith are both very good and things build up to a final sequence that shows how much better the rest of the movie could have been if it had managed to maintain a more consistent tone from start to finish.

It may not make your list of "best anthology movies ever" but Terror Tract is an enjoyable enough watch, boosted by a sense of fun and some decent performances. Don't make it a top priority, but do try to check it out some time.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/House-On-Terror-Tract-DVD/dp/B000B64VYO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1379941667&sr=8-1&keywords=terror+tract

Children Of The Corn 666: Isaac's Return (1999)

Yes. The sixth instalment in a horror franchise that should never have limped past three movies sees the return of, arguably, the most memorable character from the very first movie. Years have gone by, of course, and the child has grown into a man, but Isaac (John Franklin reprising his role) is still as devoted to He Who Walks Behind The Rows as he ever was. He just happens to be in a coma when the movie begins.

Natalie Ramsey plays Hannah Martin, a young woman who travels back to the town (Gatlin) where she was born. Natalie wants to find her real mother and wants to find out just what happened to the town. Little does she know that a lot of the residents of Gatlin are still waiting for a major prophecy to be fulfilled. A prophecy that involves Hannah. Some people have found their faith wavering, but not Isaac. As soon as he wakes up and gets back on his feet, he assures everyone that things are going exactly to plan.

Directed by Kari Skogland, this is nothing more than an excuse to centre another movie on the character of Isaac. It makes sense that Franklin also helped to write the script, sharing the writing duties with Tim Sulka, because he IS the reason to watch the movie. Although Hannah Martin is the dull heroine, Isaac is the most interesting character. It's a shame that Franklin the writer gives Franklin the actor very little to work with because there's still enough to keep you watching, but it's a bit of a slog.

It's also a shame that no thought was given to any of the other Gatlin residents. Okay, Stacy Keach and Nancy Allen get to appear onscreen, but they're rather wasted in their roles. Alix Koromzay and Paul Popowich both do quite well, despite the fact that their characters are left fairly one-dimensional, and everyone else suffers in the same way, with varying acting prowess to deal with the situation.

As soon as this franchise moved beyond the first film it became harder and harder to tell them apart. This instalment does absolutely nothing to change that.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Children-Of-The-Corn-666/dp/B0002ISGCO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380193580&sr=8-1&keywords=children+of+the+corn+6

F AKA The Expelled (2010)

Written and directed by Johannes Roberts, F (released in America as The Expelled), is a low-key horror movie that springboards from a "hot button" social issue and develops into something surprisingly memorable and chilling. One of a number of "hoodie horror" movies released in recent years, this stands out from the pack thanks to the execution of the material.

David Schofield (who, to me, will always be THAT dart player from An American Werewolf In London) plays a teacher, Mr. Anderson, who ends up being assaulted in his own classroom by a pupil. Moving forward to almost a year later and Mr. Anderson is a broken man. He's separated from his wife, scared of every shadow, barely keeping his job and only able to force his daughter (Eliza Bennett) to spend time with him by giving her detention. His paranoia means that nobody takes him seriously when, one evening, he starts to suspect that the school is being targeted by some particularly menacing kids.

Roberts may have created a lean, effective script but it's what he does with the material while bringing it to life from the page that shows his strengths as a director. The camerawork is smooth, with a number of scares created subtly in the background of the shot, and the score becomes more and more haunting and downright spooky as the horror of the situation becomes clear to those caught up in it.

Schofield is as great as you'd expect him to be, but the supporting cast all do pretty solid work alongside him. Bennett is stuck with being a slightly annoying teenager, but the character has good grounds for her rebellious behaviour and the whole stroppy act doesn't feel overdone. Emma Cleasby, Ruth Gemmell, Finlay Robertson, Max Fowler et al do just fine. The only person who struggles is Roxanne McKee, not through any fault of her own. McKee seems to be onscreen as a visual aid, not that I'm complaining too much, but her character - a very pretty P.E. teacher who spends time after the standard school day working out some more before hitting the showers - is the least believable of the lot.

Choosing not to spoonfeed viewers, F instead decides to leave certain elements unexplained, preferring to leave people with plenty to think about after the end credits roll. Some people won't like that. They'll want more backstory and more answers. I really appreciated it, and think that it's this non-conformist approach that takes F up a grade (no pun intended).

8/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/F-Blu-ray-David-Schofield/dp/B004EMRZQ2/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1379439004&sr=8-3&keywords=F

Casshern (2004)

I REALLY dislike Casshern. It may have its fans, but so does trepanning, and I REALLY dislike that, too. In fact, I mention trepanning because that's what Casshern is like. It's a drill into my skull, one that then keeps going and going until I can feel tremors throughout every bone I have while my senses twitch and spasm towards death. I dislike it.

But DAMN does it look nice at times.

Directed by Kazuaki Kiriya, who also helped to co-write the script with Dai Sato and Shotaro Suga (based on a 1973 anime), Casshern is a grand mix of Shakespearean themes, Frankenstein, war and peace and young men who also have super-powers. Akira Terao plays a doctor who announces that he is close to using certain harvested cells to be able to regenerate human body parts. With a war raging, this discovery could prove invaluable, but the doctor is dismissed by all except a private party. Thanks to his generous benefactor, the doctor continues with his work and then one day, the same day that the corpse of the doc's son is brought back from the war, a big lightning bolt strikes the lab and the cells and limbs that were being experimented on and created come together to create a race of superbeings. Soldiers attempt to kill all of the creatures, but some escape. Meanwhile, the doc grabs the corpse of his son (Tetsuya, played by Yusuke Iseya) and brings him back to life in the lab. And then the war moves up a level.

I can't really fault the acting from everyone involved here, but that's because this movie isn't overly concerned with acting. Terao, Tetsuya, Kumiko Aso and Kanako Higuchi are the best of the bunch. It may seem unfair to not spend more time discussing their work, considering the themes that the movie explores, but this is a film that's more than happy to jump from one fine visual moment to the next at the expense of any actual acting. Why show a smile from a character thinking optimistically when you can show a sky filling up with golden sunlight over land ravaged by war? That's the approach of the movie.

There are one or two effective moments throughout the movie - the rise of the main characters is almost quietly horrific and there are a couple of great fights - but nothing really makes up for the many moments of tedium. It's a paradox that those lovely visuals are also so overloaded with style, and enough flares to keep J. J. Abrams happy, that they become tiresome within the first 10-15 minutes.

The script is overloaded with attempts to muse on the nature of man, the meaning of life and the effects of war, which would be all well and good if it managed to strike a good balance. It doesn't. Kazuaka Kiriya seems to spend most of the movie being very pleased with himself. Every line feels like it's trying to be important, every scene takes twice the time required. This movie runs for approximately 142 minutes, fer chrissakes, in the most complete version. The fact that there's not enough in the mix to barely fill a film of half the length means that it overstays its welcome very quickly.

If you disliked Sucker Punch, if you hated Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow, or if you just prefer to spend your time with good movies worthy of the time you invest in them then I advise you to give this one a wide berth.

3/10

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The Terror Of The Tongs (1961)

While there are ridiculous elements in this Hammer movie, it gets beyond an unsteady start to become a surprisingly solid revenge flick. This is Death Wish before people had heard of Death Wish.

Geoffrey Toone is the hero of the piece, Captain Sale, a man launched on a mission by the murder of his beloved daughter. This murder was arranged by the dastardly Tong crime family (led by Christopher Lee). They are, basically, an early 20th century, Hong Kong version of the yakuza and will do anything to protect their identities. Sale starts to upset the Tongs, picking fights with people he suspects will lead him up the chain of command and stubbornly refusing to die, and the stage is set for a confrontation that Sale is unlikely to walk away from.

Directed by Anthony Bushell and written by Jimmy Sangster, this is a colourful and exotic movie, with visuals, tension and thrills taking precedence over things like plausibility and historical accuracy. It doesn't even show that much of Hong Kong, so I don't want people mistakenly thinking they could watch it as some travelogue time capsule. Oh no, all that's shown is all that needs to be shown. Just a few sets and no major exterior shots (well, none that come to mind anyway).

Toone is good enough in the main role, he's believably strong and brave, while Lee does fine in the role of the main villain. It has to be said, however, that this is one of those movies from a past era, with the majority of the Chinese characters being portrayed, unfortunately, by the British actors that Hammer could enlist to work for them. The main female character, a woman named Lee, is actually played by the gorgeous Yvonne Monlaur, a French actress (see picture below). Roger Delgado, Charles Lloyd Pack, Ewen Solon and many others populate the Hong Kong shown onscreen, while the ubiquitous Burt Kwouk lends his authentic ethnicity to a minor role.

This may not be one of the best from Hammer, but it's still decent entertainment if you're in the right mood for it.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Terror-Of-Tongs-Region/dp/B008ADDWU4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1379941097&sr=8-1&keywords=the+terror+of+the+tongs+dvd

Girls Against Boys (2012)

Unfortunately falling between two stools that may well leave both hardened horror fans wanting something stronger and unwary teens wondering just what the hell they're watching, Girls Against Boys is grim stuff given a glossy coating.

Danielle Panabaker plays Shae, a young girl having a bit of a rough weekend. Instead of completely separating from his wife and moving forward with their relationship, her married lover (Andrew Howard) has decided that he needs to make a go of his marriage. Shae ends up working her bar shift, getting more and more annoyed with everyone around her and then being befriended by Lulu (Nicole LaLiberte). Lulu and Shae head out, get very drunk, meet some lads and get more drunk, flirt and then head home. Well, that's the plan. It's not long until some bad things happen and Lulu is leading Shae on a quest for revenge. Lulu seems to have an agenda, but that suits Shae just fine while her judgment is clouded by pain and anger.

From the title itself to the early scenes of the movie, this feels very much like it's going to be a standard teen drama. Okay, there's actually some darkness shown in the very first moments as Lulu starts to send a restrained male into a minor panic, but that's put on the back burner as viewers are introduced to Shae and accompany her through some all-too-familiar moments. Let's face it, the movie could turn into Dirty Dancing at any time during the first 15 minutes or so. And with a title like Girls And Boys you'd be forgiven for thinking that this was going to be about a battle of the sexes in which the girls prove just how much better they are than the men in their lives.

Funnily enough, the film IS about that. But it also takes a serious tangent to move into a decent revenge flick, before then using the third act to wrap things up with an entertainingly twisted bit of "psycho teen" activity. Writer-director Austin Chick keeps everything moving just fine, but he's held back slightly by the demographic that the movie is being aimed at. The core elements of the movie are harsh and nasty, but putting those in place in a movie for teens ensures that nothing onscreen ever pushes things TOO far.

Danielle Panabaker isn't an actress I've ever been a big fan of, but she's better here than she has been in a number of other movies, believably passive for a lot of the earlier scenes before developing a bit of backbone as things move towards the finale. Nicole LaLiberte is the better presence, however, as she manipulates the events around her to make her behaviour morally defensible, in her own mind. Andrew Howard, Michael Stahl-David and Matthew Rauch are testicle-owning bastards, and act accordingly, while Carmine DiBenedetto and Will Brill are slightly nicer young men, and Liam Aiken is the nicest of the lot.

Girls Against Boys won't make much of an impression on anyone looking for the next The Last House On The Left or I Spit On Your Grave, but it does well for being a "light" (or is that "lite"?) version of those kinds of movies.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Against-Boys-Panabaker/dp/B00AFEYI3G/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1379675477&sr=8-3&keywords=girls+against+boys

Alligator X AKA Xtinction: Predator X (2010)

Alligator X is a creature feature that suffers from an uninteresting cast, an unexciting plot and, worst of all, a poor central creature. It's yet another in a long line of inferior SyFy Channel (note: I'm not sure if they commissioned it or just distributed it in some territories), which should tell you all you need to know right there.

Mark Sheppard plays Dr. Charles LeBlanc, a man who may very well be meddling with mother nature, and we all know how badly that tends to end. He arrives back in town, or the swampland that has some houses in the immediate vicinity, to upset his ex, Laura Le Crois (played by Elena Lyons), and be firmly in the frame when a large predator starts munching on some locals. The latter is just an unfortunate coincidence. Or is it?

The flat direction by Amir Valinia isn't all that surprising. This is, after all, standard, low-budget, creature feature stuff and does the bare minimum required for such a film. What is surprising is that the script by Cameron Larson was the result of a story that four people collaborated on. Four people? To come up with this nonsense?

The special effects are poor, although I've seen a LOT worse in this kind of movie (faint praise though that may be), and the main story strand is a weak excuse to avoid more actual time with the creature onscreen, but that doesn't make it  less deserving of your time than the 1001 other z-grade creature features vying for your time.

As for the cast, Sheppard is good fun as the cocky doctor, Lyons is spirited and enjoyable enough as the woman who has fought hard to keep her life together, Lochlyn Munro is a familiar face I never mind seeing and does fine with his role as a local Sheriff, Ricky Wayne and Scott L. Schwartz liven things up whenever their incompetence is onscreen, and everyone else does what's required.

This isn't rocket science. It's a film about a giant predator in a swamp. If you like that sort of thing then check out the surprisingly good Frankenfish. If you've nothing else to hand then check out this one. If you feel that you must.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Predator-X-DVD-Mark-Sheppard/dp/B0085MXP7K/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1379533454&sr=8-2-fkmr0&keywords=xtinction%3A+predator+x

Children Of The Corn V: Fields Of Terror (1998)

There's surely an easy answer, but I can't think of a horror movie franchise that overstayed its welcome as quickly as the Children Of The Corn franchise. The second movie may have been the worst of the lot, so far, but no instalment beyond the first movie seems to be able to claw its way up to the level of average. They stink. Children Of The Corn V: Fields Of Terror does nothing to make me think that there's light at the end of this particular tunnel.

The story goes like this: a bunch of teenagers find themselves in a small town named Divinity Falls. They upset some evil children who live in the area and are given a week to leave. Unfortunately, their car is put out of action so leaving becomes a bit of a problem. There's a man (David Carradine) in the area who leads the children, acting as the physical embodiment of He Who Walks Behind The Rows, and one of the teenagers suddenly realises that her brother should number among his young followers. She sets out to meet, and perhaps save, him and then things start to get more dangerous.

Written and directed by Ethan Wiley, this particular instalment of "The Fields Have Ears" is notable for the inclusion of David Carradine, Fred Williamson and a rather naive Eva Mendes (who somehow managed to get her career on track after appearing in nonsense like this and Urban Legends: Final Cut). They may not have the MAIN roles - Stacy Galina is the main gal and her brother, Jacob, is played by Dave Buzzotta - but they get a decent amount of screentime. Kane Hodder gets one enjoyable scene, and Alexis Arquette is the other recognisable face to be dragged through the rows.

The acting isn't so bad that it causes an eye-watering stench, but it's impossible for anyone onscreen to improve the stodgy material they have to work with. The script is stupid and unimaginative, and the direction does nothing to cover up its weaknesses. But if, like me, you've endured the previous movies to get to this one then you already know what to expect.

The REALLY good news? If you've made it this far then there are only a few movies left to endure before you can be well and truly done with the franchise.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Children-Of-The-Corn-Fields/dp/B0002ISGBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1379456632&sr=8-1&keywords=children+of+the+corn+5

Alice In Murderland (2010)

Alice In Murderland is a pretty terrible film. It contains everything that makes me despair about both slasher movies and also the rise of low-budget film-making. Because we live in a great time for people who want to make movies. Anyone can make a movie. Seriously, anyone. Not only is the price of decent equipment getting lower and lower, but it's actually possible to make an entire movie on your phone if you know what you're doing (oh yes, it's been done). But, remember, in the words of Dr. Ian Malcolm, sometimes people have often been "so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should."

Writer-director Dennis Devine is one of those people who shouldn't really have been allowed to waste his limited resources in creating a film like this. It's crude (in an audio and visual sense), it's often quite dull and it doesn't even deliver the requisite gratuitous gore and/or nudity, an implicit promise that a movie of this ilk should at least deliver good on.

Malerie Grady plays Alice, a young woman who is thrown a themed birthday party by her friends. The theme is Alice In Wonderland, and the location of the party is the same house in which Alice's mother died many years ago. Because nothing says birthday bash like the memories of a murdered mother. To the surprise of nobody viewing the film, people start to get murder-death-killed and the rest of the party-goers remain blissfully unaware of the situation for an unbelievably long time.

As surprising as it may seem, Alice In Murderland isn't without some minor plus points. Despite my negativity in the above paragraphs, I have to admit that it tries to get the pacing right (although it doesn't quite manage it) and it has some humour throughout. Lame humour that will make most people groan, but humour nonetheless.

Malerie Grady, Marlene Mc'Cohen, Kelly Kula, Katie Locke O'Brien, Heath Butler, Jennifer Field, Kim Argetsinger and all of the other ladies onscreen are very pretty, albeit far from the best actresses to appear in such slasher fare. Christopher Senger is the main male presence, he's also not that great in the acting department but he gives off a Tobias Funke vibe for most of the movie, which makes him more entertaining to watch than he otherwise would be.

The gore effects are another source of amusement - at one point I am pretty sure I just watched a woman lie on the floor with some pasta 'n' sauce slapped over part of her face - and nothing ever happens to make you forget that you're watching a production that probably struggled to provide catering for the cast and crew.

Alice In Murderland is horrible, but it manages to entertain here and there for all the wrong reasons. Which saves it from being among the worst of the many movies I have watched in my square-eyed life.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Alice-Murderland-DVD-Malerie-Grady/dp/B004OQJSL8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1379674893&sr=8-1&keywords=alice+in+murderland

Breeders (1997)

A meteorite lands beside a college that is pretending to be in the USA and an alien starts running around, causing lots of damage. The meteorite also brought a woman (Kadamba Simmons), who then starts to run around and act all mysterious. Is the woman helping the alien or is she in trouble? Meanwhile, Samantha Womack (nee Janus) starts to get a bit jiggy with her tutor, Ashley (Todd Jensen), while the bodycount starts to rise and the other female students are put in mortal danger.

It's not all that uncommon for movies made in the UK to pass themselves off as movies set in the USA, or elsewhere. We have a variety of great locations that director are more than happy to pass off as any location they can. It is, however, slightly less common to have UK movies full of UK actors all trying to pass themselves off as standard Americans. The results range from the endearing (Slaughter High) to the annoying (Red Mist) to the laughably awful (this movie).

Paul Matthews is the man who wrote and directed the film, and I can only imagine how much fun it is to be inside his mind. The plot is ridiculous, the characterisations are awful, the special effects are ropey (but enjoyably so) and the acting is woeful from everyone involved.

Does anyone manage to come out of this with dignity intact? No. Samantha Womack is at least pretty, and happy to take part in scenes that get her shirt wet, but everyone else is either shockingly bad or shockingly dull. Simmons, Jensen and Oliver Tobias fall into the former category, while Melanie Walters and Clifton Lloyd Bryan fall into the latter category. The fact that Clifton Lloyd Bryan plays the space alien, the actor himself is unrecognisable under the rubber suit/practical effects that make up the character, means that he shouldn't be dull, but he still manages it. Yes, this is an alien movie in which even the alien is completely uninteresting.

I admit that if I'd been watching this under different circumstances I could have found it more entertaining. There's plenty here to laugh at so go ahead and bump up the rating if you're after something to amuse you while you accompany any viewing choice with beer and junk food. I'll continue to warn others away from it though.

2/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Breeders-DVD-Todd-Jensen/dp/B00004CZ7N/ref=sr_1_2?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1379439627&sr=1-2&keywords=breeders

The Devil Rides Out (1968)

Hammer provides an entertaining, and actually quite brilliant, adaptation of Dennis Wheatley's work and although I have not read any of Wheatley's work, sadly, I am familiar with his themes and tone and cannot imagine that this movie lets down fans of the literary great either.

Christopher Lee and Leon Greene play Duc de Richleau and Rex Van Ryn, respectively, two gentlemen trying to help their friend (played by Patrick Mower) move away from the tight clutches of a local Satanic cult. Easier said than done and problems come in the shape of Tanith Carlisle (played by Nike Arrighi), an alluring female also caught up in the web of the dark arts, and confrontations with the cult's charismatic and powerful leader, Mocata (wonderfully portrayed by Charles Gray). People close to the daring duo are placed in peril and things go from bad to worse before the finale . . . . . but will it be good or evil triumphing as the sun rises?

The cast here all do a fantastic job. As well as those mentioned, with Lee and Gray being particular standouts, there's some solid support in the latter half of the movie from Paul Eddington and Sarah Lawson.

Terence Fisher directs (from a tight screenplay by Richard Matheson) with an assured hand, throwing us directly into the action and letting us find out a little more with each scene as things move from slightly puzzling to mysterious to dangerous to deadly. Though I do not know enough about the rituals and accoutrements portrayed in the movie it all has a sense of authenticity about it, strange considering how far-fetched the movie actually is in its depiction of a struggle between good and evil.

Considering its age, it holds up very well to this day. There are two major "materialisation" scenes that still hold the power to unnerve; in fact, the very first one actually made me want to look away from the screen as I was getting a bit freaked out by the imagery. There are lots of details in the effects and acting that you could poke fun at if you wanted to (one scene featuring an over-sized spider is about as bad as anything in Empire Of The Ants) but if you forgive the "ravages of time" then you will be letting yourself in for a cracking British horror movie aimed distinctly at adults.

9/10

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We Are The Night (2010)

Lena (Karoline Herfurth) is a petty criminal who finds herself chased by a determined young policeman (Tom, played by Max Riemelt) after accidentally ripping off a major scumbag. After she just manages to evade capture, Lena ends up at a nightclub where she is approached and bitten by Louise (Nina Hoss). It's not long until Lena accepts her new life and is living it up with Louise, Charlotte (Jennifer Ulrich) and Nora (Anna Fischer) as the group race fast cars, pay people to let them shop in expensive department stores late at night, dance among people they can choose to snack on and generally have a great time. Meanwhile, Tom finds Lena and wants to let her know that she's not going to be in any trouble. In fact, he's hoping that they can see each other. But relationships can be as harmful to vampires as sunlight. Lena may be tempted, but Louise is always watching.

There you have it. The cold queen vamp - Louise. The spirited newcomer to the fold who doesn't want to kill - Lena. The depressed one - Charlotte. The hyperactive, fun one - Nora. Each and every one is a particular type of vampire that we've seen many times before. There's nothing original to We Are The Night. So why should you watch it?

Well, it's all done very well. And it's all given just enough energy and style to make you forgive the fact that you've already seen it done a hundred times before. Director Dennis Gansel, who co-wrote the screenplay with Jan Berger, happily picks great moments from vampire movies of the past century and mixes them into a plot that teases the possibility of a more interesting narrative strand, one that details why male vampires aren't around. Sadly, that strand is left hanging but that leaves time and space for even more fun.

The performances are all perfectly fine, with the leads all being enjoyable enough in their varied roles (I can't single anyone out for praise as I liked them all equally), and the film mixes lots of effective, cheap tricks in amongst some fairly solid, considering the budget, special effects to provide more spectacle and bang for your buck than you'd expect from such fare.

The fact that one sequence, in particular, borrows so heavily from Near Dark doesn't make that sequence any less enjoyable. It simply highlights, perhaps, what allows We Are The Night to work so well. If you're going to steal then steal from the best. My good friend, Christianne Benedict, reminds viewers (in her review right here) that this doesn't re-invent the wheel. That's absolutely true. But it does steal some damn nice alloys and take them for a spin.

8/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/We-Are-The-Night-DVD/dp/B008RHQ12O/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1379095651&sr=8-1&keywords=we+are+the+night

Cheaper By The Dozen 2 (2005)

Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt return as Tom and Kate Baker, parents of twelve children (hence the title), in this sequel to the bland and harmless Cheaper By The Dozen. While the first movie was about the parents trying to fit in a career before realising that perhaps their children still needed them available at home for a few years yet, this sequel shows an attempt to keep the family together and enthusiastic for a holiday that might be their last one together. The older kids are about to set off further afield while the younger kids aren't going to want to join in with the family activites forever. However, when the Bakers get to their vacation spot, Tom finds that Jimmy Murtaugh (Eugene Levy) has bought most of the area and is living nearby. Jimmy is very competitive, and that brings out the worst in Tom.

Adam Shankman takes over from Shawn Levy for this lacklustre affair, reteaming with both Martin and Levy after having worked with them on Bringing Down The House (2003). If you have to choose between this movie and that movie, go with that movie. If you're forced to watch this movie then you won't suffer through anything truly terrible, but there are so many better ways to spend your time.

The script by Sam Harper is pretty horrible. There are one or two okay scenes, but I can't think of any individual lines of dialogue that made me so much as smirk. Think of the lessons that were learned in the first movie and the way in which the family was shown to be imperfect, but able to stick together when things got tough, and then rehash those ideas in an even less amusing way and you have Harper's script.

Martin and Hunt are both just fine as the parents, while Piper Perabo, Tom Welling and Hilary Duff are still bearable as the older members of the Baker brood. Jonathan Bennett is enjoyable enough as Perabo's partner, and Alyson Stoner gets the best moments as Sarah, the young mischief-maker who finally takes notice of a boy and starts to think about using makeup. As for the other main featured family, Eugene Levy is okay in his unsympathetic role, Carmen Electra is always a welcome addition to any movie I watch (hey, if I have to sit through films like this then allow me to enjoy any silver lining I can), Jaime King is  and a very young Taylor Lautner goes about being a very young Taylor Lautner.

If you enjoyed Cheaper By The Dozen then this is just about watchable. It's not good, but I've seen much worse. No, I don't know why they didn't call me for that poster quote either: "Not good, but I've seen much worse - Kevin Matthews"

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cheaper-By-The-Dozen-DVD/dp/B000E6UMEY/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1379438832&sr=8-2&keywords=cheaper+by+the+dozen+2

The Faculty (1998)

Robert Rodriguez hasn't made many bad movies. I won't be silly enough to say that he hasn't made ANY bad movies, despite the fact that I have somehow avoided the ones that people consider real stinkers (*cough* The Adventures Of Sharkboy And Lavagirl *cough*), but he's got a pretty good hit rate, in my opinion. Thankfully, The Faculty is one of his many good movies.

It's a teen sci-fi horror written by Kevin Williamson AKA Kevin "Scream" Williamson that also happens to feature one of the best casts assembled for such material. And Usher.

Herrington High is a typical American school, but things are changing. When Casey Connor (Elijah Wood ) isn't being picked up by bullies, and having his legs splayed to allow them to smash his crotch into the flagpole, he's observing life around him. Some things are strange, like star football player Stan (Shawn Hatosy) deciding that he wants to concentrate on academic pursuits as opposed to sports, some things are just nice to observe, like Delilah Profitt (Jordana Brewster), and some things are strange lifeforms found on the school grounds that could indicate a potential takeover by alien life forms. Yeah, that last thing leads to Casey teaming up with Stan, Delilah and some other students as they realise that their school may be ground zero for an alien invasion. High school may not seem to be a standard battlefield for an alien invasion, but as Casey says: "If you were going to take over the world, would you blow up the White House 'Independence Day' style, or sneak in through the back door?"

What I like to do sometimes, as people may have noticed, is reel off a cast list when I think that it speaks for itself. Read the following list and try to argue that it's not one of the best blends of old hands and new talent thrown together for a sci-fi horror movie. I've already mentioned Wood, Hatosy and Brewster, but there's also Clea DuVall, Laura Harris, Josh Hartnett, Piper Laurie, Bebe Neuwirth, Salma Hayek, Famke Janssen, Robert Patrick, Christopher McDonald, Jon Stewart and Daniel von Bargen. And Usher. Everyone does a great job. And Usher.

The script by Williamson and the direction by Rodriguez are both as cine-literate as you'd expect, with ever scene throwing up a wealth of references, in-jokes and foreshadowing. It's a very nicely constructed movie, one that works in terms of a teen movie and also a sci-fi horror without neglecting either. The fact that it's so subversive just adds to the appeal. I don't want to spoil any details for people who have yet to see it, but bad behaviour ends up paying dividends while fighting back against invading aliens. The soundtrack has some good tunes in the mix and the special effects are generally pretty great, mixing plenty of practical work with some solid CGI.

All in all, The Faculty is eminently rewatchable and just a fun time for fans of the subgenre.

8/10

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The Kiss Of The Vampire (1963)

A lesser vampire movie from Hammer, this was written by Anthony Hinds and directed by Don Sharp. Neither of the men involved seem to be able to muster any enthusiasm for the material, or inject it with any energy, and that leaves the second-tier cast (only in terms of the Hammer pecking order) floundering.

Edward De Souza and Jennifer Daniel are honeymooners Gerald and Marianne Harcourt. When they experience a bit of car trouble near a small village in Europe they end up staying at the handy sort of inn that only ever seems to crop up in Hammer movies and also get themselves befriended by the sort of seemingly kind, curious nobles who only ever seem to crop up in Hammer movies. This particular well-to-do gentleman is Dr. Ravna (Noel Willman), who invites the Harcourts to spend some time with himself and his family before then inviting them to a big party. But that party is just a ruse. With Marianne in danger, Gerald ends up seeking help from a fellow lodger, the exasperated Professor Zimmer (Clifford Evans).

All of the usual ingredients are in place here. The upper class folk who succumb to the seduction of evil ways, the decent but scared couple running their inn, the embittered older character who knows the truth about the area and its inhabitants and the brave husband willing to risk his own life to save his darling wife.

I won't deny that there are a few moments here and there that I enjoyed, and one or two lines of dialogue that I was pleasantly surprised by, but this is material that has been spruced up and given far better treatment in a handful of other Hammer movies that you could choose from.

The cast put in acceptable performances, I guess, but it's only really Evans who stands out as someone worth spending time with and, indeed, rooting for. Support from Barry Warren, Isobel Black, Peter Madden and Vera Cook is in line with the rather flat nature of everything else in the movie.

I guess, like every other Hamer horror movie, that The Kiss Of The Vampire may have fans. I just can't see anything here that could appeal to anyone, excepting the most easily pleased viewer who may have somehow avoided many of their better outings before getting to this one.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kiss-Vampire-DVD-Clifford-Evans/dp/B007789W7U/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1379069094&sr=8-1&keywords=the+kiss+of+the+vampire

Children Of The Corn IV: The Gathering (1996)

Children Of The Corn: The Gathering is a pretty terrible movie, saved from the bottom of the barrel by at least two great actresses in main roles and some fleeting moments of impressive imagery.

Karen Black plays June Rhodes, a woman who just can't bring herself to move beyond her garden path nowadays. Fear grips her and she can't seem to get to the root of the problem. She's taking medication, she knows that she should be making progress, but nothing seems to improve. Her daughter, Grace (Naomi Watts), comes home to help her, hopefully, along the road to recovery, but before you can say "He Who Walks Behind The Rows" it turns out that the local kids have all started to turn into evil little shits and all adults must die. Or something like that.

It's hard to care about a movie that feels so slapdash. In some ways, this is better than the third movie, but it loses the sense of fun and suffers from a lack of Screaming Mad George (as does any movie that doesn't feature work from Screaming Mad George).

Director Greg Spence, who co-wrote the screenplay with Stephen Berger, puts everything together in a standard movie shape, but he doesn't ever really manage to heat things up at all. There aren't any decent set-pieces. At all. Even the finale fails to muster any excitement. Perhaps the concept was already stretched too thin by the end of the first movie, of course. Indeed, why Stephen King gets a credit on each film is beyond me. If he fought so hard against The Lawnmower Man  then I can only assume that he just doesn't know that these films exist.

Fans of Karen Black will enjoy her performance here, she gets a fair amount of screentime and does the hand-wringing, nervous nellie act very well, and fans of Naomi Watts will have fun seeing her "slumming it" before she became a Hollywood darling. As for the rest of the cast, William Windom is good as the local doc, Brent Jennings is a father alarmed by the violence that he witnesses in his household and young Jamie Renee Smith, Mark Salling and Lewis Flanagan III play some of the affected children.

Despite having no reason to actually exist, this film almost manages to be watchable, mainly thanks to Watts and Black. The fact that it falls short is thanks to Spence and Berger.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Children-Corn-IV-The-Gathering/dp/B004WJRUYY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1379016784&sr=8-1&keywords=children+of+the+corn+4