Scary Movie (2026)

Okay, admittedly, I was never a big fan of the first couple of Scary Movie releases. I've not really been won over by any of the Wayans brothers movies from the past couple of decades. But I knew I'd still have to watch this eventually. I just didn't expect to see it at the cinema. One free ticket and some bad timing, however, and that's just what I ended up doing recently.

I'm sure that everyone else actually wanting to see this film will go to it and have a good time. They won't think of it as the best in the series, but they'll have enough laughs and claim that anyone who didn't enjoy it is just brainwashed nowadays by the "woke-erati", or whatever the latest buzz-word is. Because this film has been advertised as something that will cross every line and upset those who get easily offended. It doesn't even come close to that. It's lazy, self-satisfied, nonsense. Most importantly, it made me laugh only two or three times throughout the entire 96-minute runtime.

I'll do the courtesy of describing a plot, despite the fact that there really isn't one. A killer is back on the scene, and may be aiming to kill off Cindy (Anna Faris) and Brenda (Regina Hall). That's an excuse for everyone else to join the leads, whether it's Shorty (Marlon Wayans), Ray (Shawn Wayans), Doofy (Dave Sheridan), Greg (Lochlyn Munro), or Gale (Cheri Oteri). There are also some younger characters to be put in peril, such as Cindy's daughters, Sara (Olivia Rose Keegan) and Tuesday (Savannah Lee Nassif), and Brenda's children, including the *sarcasm font required here* hilariously-named DEI (Sydney Park).

I'll begrudgingly excuse some of the laziness here. Considering the main slasher movies being targeted by this series, it's appropriate that this instalment gets the gang back together in the laziest and most implausible way. Because that's basically what happened in Scream (2022). It's also fine to have some fun with the newcomers before ensuring that the older stars get their flowers due to them.

What isn't fine is the laziness throughout. While it may not stoop to the levels of the dire Friedberg/Seltzer movies we endured a couple of decades ago, this is painfully unfunny and unimaginative throughout. A spoof of Sinners is an excuse to make many more gags about the not-so-closeted homosexuality of Ray (a joke that was tired by the second movie). A spoof of Get Out is an excuse for some more sex gags, before transitioning into a rare highlight, a well-animated riff on KPop Demon Hunters. Two gags made me laugh, one referencing Candyman and the other referencing the imagery of Weapons. That's it. More should have been done with The Substance, anything would have been better than the horribly smug fan-service moment it delivers, and there are so many other movies that could have been thrown into the mix. But that would show a love for the horror genre, and I don't think the Wayans brothers have any love for the horror genre. According to the third act of this film, as well as a number of gags elsewhere, the Wayans brothers mostly love themselves. They believe themselves to be some kind of comedy film legends, but their filmography doesn't bear that out.

Faris and Hall are people I really like watching in movies. It's a shame that they've spent so much time stuck in this turgid series. At least they help to lessen my pain while I endure them though, which is more than I can say for Marlon Wayans (Shorty is one of the most annoying movie characters in the entire history of the movies, as far as I'm concerned). The younger cast members generally do well as they gamely work with the weak material given to them, and Keegan is particularly enjoyable when being silly. Nobody can do enough to save the film from the director (Michael Tiddes) or writers though (four of the Wayans brothers and Rick Alvarez), who are all pre-occupied with finding the easiest option for anything they mistake for a punchline.

Despite the advertising, there aren't really any lines crossed here. I'd even say that there are some progressive moments, compared to the first movie in the series anyway. Overall, this is a childish attempt to put together a collage of moments that those involved thought would offend those who don't really like these movies anyway. The only people it really offends are those who want their comedy movies to contain enough actual comedy. Others seem to be buying into the hype though, sadly, and I won't be surprised if this ends up being the most financially successful instalment of the series, to date.

3/10

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Mubi Monday: Kes (1969)

Memory is a very funny thing. I'm sure I have mentioned that before. No, that is not a joke about my own memory. I've always known of Kes, but I had never seen it. It's just always been there, part of British culture that I knew I had to get around to one day. And I expected it to seem a bit dated, a bit rough compared to more modern feature films, but I also somehow remembered it as being such a major work that it made an impact in the mid-1970s, repercussions from it rippling all the way through my childhood. But Kes isn't a mid-1970s work. It debuted in 1969, and was an adaptation of a novel published just one year before, before going on wide release in the first half of 1970. So my memory of Kes, despite having never seen the actual film itself, was already wrong. I did worry when I finally sat down to watch it that I would also be wrong in assuming that it would remain an impactful experience.

That assumption was fine. Kes is quite brilliant, although there have been enough minor changes throughout our society to soften the blow of it slightly. It's the tale of a young boy, Billy Casper (David Bradley), who seems to be killing time at school until he's eventually placed in a harsh and unforgiving manual job that will, if he's lucky, pay him enough to get by and enjoy some time in the local pub. Things change for Billy when he gets himself a kestrel that he aims to train, giving himself something that creates a time out from the continual drudgery of his everyday life. Some may appreciate the fact that he's taking an interest in something, but many may view the development with resentment.

Directed by Ken Loach, who also adapted the book ("A Kestrel For A Knave") with author Barry Hines and Tony Garnett, Kes is absolutely a quintessential Loach movie. He may be credited here as Kenneth Loach, and it may only be his second feature, but this is the typical unflinchingly honest look at people not often given any decent representation in modern cinema. Film is an escape, I get that. It's also equally important that film, like any art, is a mirror held up to society. Loach has held that mirror up for six decades, often showing people reflections that they spend most of their time trying not to notice. 

Not every performance here works quite as well as it could, which I suspect is down to Loach aiming for authenticity ahead of everything else, but young Bradley doesn't really put a foot wrong as he portrays a character who manages to be captivating without having to sand off all of his rough edges. Freddie Fletcher is also very good as the older brother, Jud, who can be an idol or a terror, depending on how his day has gone, and you have the brilliance of people like Lynne Perrie, Brian Glover, and Colin Welland filling out the main cast. Astonishingly, this is the first credited film role for all three of those performers, but it's already evident here that they had the potential for greatness ahead of them, particularly a scene-stealing Glover. I would also like to point out one other actor, but am sadly lacking the knowledge of his name. There's one schoolkid who is supposed to take a message to a teacher, ends up being asked to hide cigarettes in his pockets while some other kids are punished, and ends up getting himself in as much trouble as anyone else alongside him. It's a hilarious and infuriating scene, and the young boy plays it brilliantly throughout.

I can see now why Kes endured for so long, and endures now. I thought it was about a boy and his kestrel. It's not. That's just a way to show someone being able to see beyond the life seemingly allowed for them by those in positions of authority. It's about class, it's about an education system that too often works as a placeholder for children being prepared for a thankless life of hard work ahead, and it's about the importance of seizing on even just one, any, opportunity to spark some passion in those who may then be able to strive toward something previously-unseen beyond the classroom walls and industrial work environments surrounding them.

Give it another ten or twenty years and my memory of Kes may be wrong in different ways. I may go back to thinking it's a simple tale of a boy and his kestrel. I hope not though. It's a hard film to watch at times, especially for those who have the personal experience of the working class life, but, like some of the other superb films from Loach, it's a much harder film to forget.

9/10

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Netflix And Chill: Office Romance (2026)

If you're not a fan of "the c-word" then you may not enjoy Office Romance as much as I did. I've always found it to be the strongest of the swear words, but it's also used much more casually in Scotland than anywhere else in the United Kingdom, in my experience. That aside, Office Romance is a rom-com that generally maintains a nice balance between the rom and the com, and then adds some extra sauce for some unexpected belly laughs.

Jennifer Lopez is Jackie, the CEO of Air Cruz (and also a qualified pilot). Her company has a strict policy against any relationships between colleagues, which should help her fight back against a frivolous lawsuit that has competitors accusing her of winning contracts by sleeping with people she is conducting business with. The other thing that should help her fight back is Daniel Blanchflower (Brett Goldstein), an in-house lawyer who is pretty great at his job. Unfortunately, Jackie and Daniel start to feel a very strong connection, which would ruin everything. It won't be bad if they can keep everything secret, but the likes of heavily-pregnant Sydney Bloom (Betty Gilpin), who has been alongside Jackie for many many years, can definitely sense something different in the workplace.

While director Ol Parker does a perfectly fine job behind the camera, and somehow manages to deliver something that feels like a proper film, as opposed to the Netflix feature products we've seen landing on there so often (which, to be fair, seems to be something that, with the likes of this and Apex, is changing for the better). It's the screenplay, co-written by Goldstein and Joe Kelly, that really makes this work though, working with plenty of familiar rom-com tropes while allowing the leads to feel like more well-rounded and sexual creatures than the more chaste figures we so often see in this kind of thing.

Goldstein also does well to have faith in himself when it comes to his main acting role. I have enjoyed him for some time now, but he's not who you might think of first when you envision a rom-com with Jennifer Lopez as the female lead. It works very well though, his Britishness and awkwardness juxtaposed with everyone around him in a way that makes you believe why Lopez would start to notice him. As for our Jenny From The Block, she can do a rom-com role in her sleep, and she gets to play a fantastic mix of professional, desirable, and passionate here. It's also great to see a film where the female lead is a decade older than her male counterpart, although Lopez doesn't look even close to her actual age. Gilpin is a hoot in her main supporting role, giving scowls and glares to almost everyone around her, Mary Wiseman is entertainingly over-sharing in most of her scenes, Tony Hale is a lot of fun as a put-upon HR worker, and you also get the likes of Jodie Whittaker, Edward James Olmos, Bradley Whitford, Amy Sedaris, Roger Bart, Will Sasso, and a few other familiar faces, filling out the enjoyably varied and sprawling cast. 

This is a perfect film for couples to enjoy together, which is what the best rom-coms should be. There are two leads you will find it easy to root for, an enjoyable storyline with enough obstacles to make things difficult for everyone without ever making things complicated, and a lot of great gags. Again, it won't work for those averse to some very bad language, and there's one visual gag that is hilarious because of how shocking and unexpected it is, and the revelations about the character played by Jodie Whittaker seem a bit odd and out of place, admittedly, but this is one I will happily recommend to most people looking for an enjoyable way to spend just under two hours. 

8/10

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Shudder Saturday: Jack Be Nimble (1993)

I have JUST finished watching Jack Be Nimble and I'm not entirely sure that I can properly explain it to other people. Which is a bit of a problem when it comes to someone who enjoys writing and sharing their movie reviews. I guess I'll give it a good try, but please be understanding of my confusion.

Jack (Alexis Arquette) and Dora (Sarah Smuts-Kennedy) are siblings who become separated at a young age. Jack ends up living with a horrible and abusive couple, Dora ends up getting by until she becomes involved in a relationship with Teddy (Bruno Lawrence). Things get strange and twisted when Jack and Dora reunite. Jack has killed, and seems happy to do so again, and Dora has tapped into some psychic power that makes things even trickier when she is caught between her brother and Teddy. Oh, and there are four daughters seeking vengeance for the death of their parents at the hands of Jack.

Truly bonkers stuff, but not bonkers in a way that is entertaining and fun, nor in a way that is impressively dark and disturbing, Jack Be Nimble is directed and co-written by Garth Maxwell (with some input from Rex Pilgrim), and it's clear that everyone involved was trying to make something unique and memorable. They manage the first part. I cannot think of any movie that I would mention in comparison to this film, but I just wish that there had been more here to draw viewers into the onscreen world. All you get is occasional strangeness. The characters aren't people you want to spend any time with, every subsequent main plot point feels sillier than the one preceding it, and it's visually dark and ugly throughout in a way that feels more like poor choices made than any artistic style.

The cast don't help, sadly. Arquette isn't given enough to work with, and simply has to look angry and resentful at anyone who isn't his sister. Smuts-Kennedy gets a bit more to do, but her character feels far too passive for most of the runtime. Lawrence is good, perhaps arguably too good in comparison to the rest of the cast, and the material itself.

There’s certainly something to be said for films that are so impossible to pigeonhole, and that is what Jack Be Nimble has going for it. Unfortunately, it has nothing else worthwhile for all but the most curious film fans. Horror movie lovers won’t think it spooky or gory enough, fans of the odd will wish it diverged even further from our known reality, and anyone simply looking to experience something wallowing in strangeness can find it in a hundred better movies I could happily point out to you.

4/10

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The Super Mario Galaxy Movie (2026)

Considering how little I cared for The Super Mario Bros. Movie, although I didn't outright hate it, I knew that I wouldn't be in the target demographic for this sequel. There's an extra Princess (Rosalina, voiced by Brie Larson, alongside Princess Peach), an extra baddie (Bowser Junior, voiced by Benny Safdie), and even an appearance from another Nintendo hero, Fox McCloud (voiced by Glen Powell). A lot of people will love it. I am not one of those people, but I will start this review by saying that I slightly preferred it to the first film. Maybe I was in a better mood. Or maybe it's actually a better film.

There's no reason to fully summarise the plot. Mario (Chris Pratt) and Luigi (Charlie Day) are living their best life. Princess Peach (Anya Taylor-Joy) is also happy enough, as are both Toad (Keegan-Michael Key) and a cute little newcomer going by the name of Yoshi (Donald Glover). Bowser (Jack Black) has been kept in a shrunken and harmless form, working through his anger management issues, but he may be the one character able to help everyone when Bowser Junior starts kidnapping royalty and developing a ginormous super-weapon.

It's a good sign, in general, when everyone returns to their main roles for any sequel. As well as the extensive voice cast, writer Matthew Fogel is back for this adventure, as are directors and co-directors Aaron Horvath, Michael Jelenic, Pierre Leduc, and Pabien Polack. They may not be making a film aimed specifically at me, but they certainly know how to make a cute and colourful film that should keep Mario fans amused and entertained throughout. Every scene is bright and busy, but somehow avoids being too much of either, and the score from Brian Tyler, also returning, continues to blend in plenty of reworked game themes and fun audio cues.

Pratt and Day are fine in their roles, but nobody feels like a full-on lead here. This is a sprawling ensemble piece, with plenty of time given to fun moments featuring the other characters. Black is a bit more restrained this time around, but actually works better for it, Safdie is very entertaining, and both Taylor-Joy and Brie are the most excellent princesses since the two excellent princesses won over by the charms of Bill & Ted. As well as Glover and Key, who both work well for their characters, there are enjoyable small roles for Roxana Ortega, Luis Guzmán, Issa Rae, as well as the star cameo from Powell.

If you liked the first movie then you're sure to like this one. Even if you didn't really like the first movie, but didn't hate it either, this might just win you over. Despite cramming in more references for fans of the game series, it somehow feels more free. There's no need to pretend that we need any more "tutorial guide" moments, nor any complicated origin tales, when we can just get to Mario and Luigi wandering around various environments, bashing bricks, being helped by Yoshi, and finding a variety of timely power-ups. I may even end up rewatching the first film, and perhaps warming to it, after enjoying this one so much more.

7/10

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Armageddon (1998)

The odd thing about rewatching Armageddon, a film I have watched a number of times before, is that it is somehow both worse and better than I remember. It's quite ridiculous, but manages to be ridiculous in many right ways to balance out the times that it's ridiculous in many wrong ways.

Most people know the story. There's a giant rock hurtling towards Earth. The only way to save our planet is to travel into space, land on the giant rock, and drill down into it to plant some major explosives. There's no way astronauts could manage that. The world needs the best drilling workers, and those drilling workers come in the shape of Harry S. Stamper (Bruce Willis) and co. There are some lame attempts to make things tense, there's plenty of heroism and "America: F**k Yeah!" throughout almost every main sequence, and you get to remember how much you love or hate Aerosmith singing "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing."

It might be Jonathan Hensleigh and J. J. Abrams credited in the writing department, with a bit of input from Tony Gilroy, Shane Salerno, and Robert Roy Pool, although I couldn't say how much any one person added into the mix. It's easy to see the overwhelming stamp of director Michael Bay all over it though. There's no subtlety, of course, and no desire to keep the action clear and watchable. In fact, I would argue that Armageddon is at its worst when viewers have to suffer through the poorly-shot and messily-edited action beats.

Willis may not be doing his best work, but he's fine in blockbuster star mode. Ben Affleck, playing the younger and more hot-headed "drill Jedi", who also happens to be in love with his boss's daughter, Grace (played by Liv Tyler), is also fine, although he has never been as comfortable in these kinds of films as he is in less mainstream fare. Tyler does what is asked of her, and is a welcome presence, despite being constantly pushed offscreen by the tide of testosterone. The supporting cast is pretty great though. Billy Bob Thornton does well, Will Patton and William Fichtner are both as dependable as ever, and there's a lot of fun to be had with any scene involving Steve Buscemi and/or Peter Stormare. You also get Owen Wilson, Keith David, Michael Clarke Duncan, Jason Isaacs, and very brief appearances from Eddie Griffin, Grace Zabriskie, Udo Kier, Shawnee Smith, and Matt Malloy.

There's plenty of impressive hardware on display, the bombastic score from Trevor Rabin ensures that nobody gets to forget the heroism and machismo of our main characters for even one minute, and John Schwartzman tries hard to impress with cinematography that is undermined by the horrible editing so familiar to anyone who has watched any other Michael Bay movie.

Armageddon is not good, but it's comfortingly ridiculous for a lot of the bloated 151-minute runtime. I would put almost every other Bay movie ahead of it, and there are a number of Bruckheimer-produced movies from this time period I would also put ahead of it, but I cannot deny that I can still happily sit down with it once every ten years or so, like treating myself to an unhealthy bit of fast food that makes me hate myself as soon as I've swallowed the last tasty morsel. 

7/10

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Prime Time: Prom Night III: The Last Kiss (1990)

Are we all allowed to finally acknowledge that Prom Night isn't one of the great slasher movies? There are many times when I would much prefer to watch Prom Night II: Hello Mary Lou. And I can now say that I'd also happily revisit this third film in the series before wanting to go back to the original. It's perfectly fine, does everything that you need from a standard slasher, but both the second and third films are more creative and enjoyable. I assume I will be disappointed by the fourth film, but part of me can't help holding on to a small amount of optimism.

What we have here is something ridiculous and silly from start to finish, but it's also self-aware enough to make everything work. Some may not appreciate the emphasis on comedy in this horror comedy, but I think it works very well in balancing the supernatural horror plot elements with a surprisingly high number of successful gags. 

Courtney Taylor is Mary Lou for this outing, and she's a lot of fun in the role (although I think Lisa Schrage could have done just as good a job, if only she'd been approached with an offer). Returning to her high school, Mary Lou decides to spend her time and energy on Alex Grey (Tim Conlon). Alex has a girlfriend (Sarah, played by Cynthia Preston, billed here as Cyndy Preston), but he also has a number of standard teen problems. Mary Lou can get rid of those problems, but her approach usually results in someone ending up dead.

Ron Oliver moves from his writing work in the previous movie to both writing and co-directing (with Peter R. Simpson) this. It may feel a bit crude and cheap in places, but that is part of the charm. This is a film that shows a young man seduced by a woman offering him easy solutions until he finally figures out just where this path of good intentions ultimately leads, and Oliver has great fun juxtaposing the traditional housewife imagery with entertainingly psychotic set-pieces.

Conlon and Preston are both fine in their roles, and David Stratton, Dylan Neal, and Lesley Kelly are highlights in supporting roles (the latter also the subject of a particularly great running joke about her status as a guidance counselor, as opposed to being a teacher or a "real person"), but the film belongs to Taylor, in her first feature role. Okay, she has the best role, but she also attacks both the comedy and the craziness of it with such gusto that she more than does enough to keep Mary Lou as one of the great "unsung" slasher movie villains in the stacked history of the sub-genre.

I can imagine a lot of horror movie fans being put off by the tone of this one, but I absolutely loved it. I didn't expect it to be so silly and irreverent, but I was absolutely on board when I saw what everyone was aiming for, and how well they were all doing in service of the material.

8/10

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Primate (2025)

If you're going to make a film that owes a strong debt to both Cujo and Halloween then it's quite a good idea to have a rabid chimpanzee at the heart of it, and that's exactly what director Johannes Roberts has done. Having also co-written the screenplay with Ernest Riera, Roberts gives himself every chance to make something that feels nicely in tribute to some classic horrors without seeming to slavishly adhere to their templates.

Lucy (Johnny Sequoyah) and her friends arrive at her isolated Hawaiian home, where she soon has to introduce everyone to the family pet, Ben. Ben is a loving chimpanzee who communicates via a soundboard device. Unfortunately, Ben is bitten by a mongoose, which creates a big problem for Lucy and her friends when they end up trapped by him. Lucy's father (Troy Kotsur) has to spend some time away from home, of course, but he might end up in a race against the clock before the end credits roll.

I tend to like the films of Johannes Roberts. They can be quite silly, but are often silly in just the right way. He also tends to make very good use of whatever financing he manages to arrange. Primate is enjoyably silly, putting the fun premise in a decent location, and it often looks much better than you'd expect something so proudly schlocky to look.

The main problem lies with the cast. They're not bad, but they aren't able to really make any strong impression, aside from being part of the group due to be terrorised by a killer chimp. Sequoyah is joined onscreen by Jessica Alexander, Victoria Wyant, Gia Hunter, Benjamin Cheng, and a few others, but they're very much a group in dire straits, as opposed to individuals working through various problems while trying to stay alive. That's not the worst way this lot could be presented, by the way, and many films have done far worse, but it's the main weakness. The main characters you'll remember once it's all over will probably be the one played by Kotsur and the one played by Miguel Torres Umba (he's the physical performer who does such a great job of pretending to be a chimpanzee). Oh, there's also a memorable uncredited cameo role for Rob Delaney.

There are times when you may be distracted by elements on the screen, either the slight strangeness of the impressive work done to make Ben seem like a real character or one or two moments that go a bit too heavy on the homage (a scene with a couple of characters hiding in a closet being the main offender there), but Roberts generally knows how to keep viewers entertained, and he's delivered a creature feature that feels like a perfect choice for those wanting something simple, tense, and a bit gory, all within a runtime that's just a shade over the 90-minute mark.

I'm not sure this will stand the test of time, but I can see it being well-received by those who either find it on sale or check it out when it hits one of the many streaming services vying for your eyeballs. And I'd happily rewatch it any time.

7/10

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Mubi Monday: Father Mother Sister Brother (2025)

I don't want to be too quick to dismiss writer-director Jim Jarmusch, but he's certainly been on a bit of a creative downward swing since the fantastic Paterson, which was ten years ago now. And let's not mention The Dead Don't Die. There's a feeling that Jarmusch still enjoys working with the talented collaborators he has befriended over the years, but he may now struggle to come up with a premise truly worthy of their talents.

Father Mother Sister Brother sees Jarmusch returning to the kind of portmanteau form that he's previously used to great effect. I just don't know what to make of it though, although I think it's a look at the unhealthiness of forced family duties. Maybe I'm wrong, but the sections titled "Father" and "Mother" certainly feel more strained and less healthy than the third "Sister Brother" section.

Tom Waits is Father, visited by his son, Jeff (Adam Driver), and daughter, Emily (Mayim Bialik). It's an odd situation, with the children feeling more responsible and parental than the actual parent, but very little actually happens until an amusing enough beat at the very end of the tale. Then it's time for Mother (Charlotte Rampling) to be visited by her two daughters, Lilith (Vicky Krieps) and Timothea (Cate Blanchett). There's a bit more happening here, considering how the two daughters seek approval from their mother, and also from one another, while Lilith tries to hide the fact that she's not exactly in the healthiest of financial situations. Finally, siblings Skye (Indya Moore) and Billy (Luka Sabbat) spend some time reconnecting as they process the recent death of their parents.

There's nothing to fault here when it comes to the performances. Waits, Driver, and Bialik get to play up the awkwardness in a way that is light and fun, Rampling, Krieps, and Blanchett are mesmerising as they take part in what feels like some kind of three-way swordfight on criss-crossing tightropes, and both Moore and Sabbat are nicely relaxed for the majority of their segment. Whether he nails down his dialogue and thematic strands or not, Jarmusch can always rely on his casts to deliver.

Aside from the focus on family, there's also a Rolex watch linking the tales (the same one? doubtful, but it's a possibility) and the feeling that relationships are always inextricably linked to that constant root of all evil, money. It's just a shame that Jarmusch keeps things so light and relatively inconsequential. Especially when he has a lot of people who could have easily enjoyed sinking their teeth into something much more substantial. I didn't dislike the time I spent with this, but I doubt I'll ever want to rewatch it. I'd also be surprised if many Jarmusch fans strongly disagreed with me.

4/10

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