For It Is Man's Number: July 2011

Sunday, 31 July 2011

Under Siege (1992)

Also known as . . . . . . . the best movie that Steven Seagal ever managed to star in, Under Siege is a brilliantly entertaining action movie with wit, thrills and some genuinely fantastic performances from Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey. It’s basically Die Hard on a boat. And it has Erika Eleniak jumping out of a cake while topless. Which automatically adds two points.

Seagal plays ship’s cook Casey Ryback, the one man who may prove problematic when the ship that he’s on is taken over by baddies who want to have fun with nuclear weapons and make lots of money. Ryback isn’t JUST a cook though. He is actually a former Navy SEAL. If you can’t stand any heated action then stay the hell out of his kitchen.

Andrew Davis directs Seagal for the second time and shows a much better grasp of action entertainment this time round. His next movie would be The Fugitive, featuring a number of cast members from this film, but Under Siege is a damn fine slice of fun by anyone’s standards.

J.F. Lawton has the writing duties and mixes in some amusing one-liners with a number of great character moments. Tommy Lee Jones gets most of the best lines but Gary Busey raises a smile on more than one occasion and even Seagal gets some decent quips, as well as some enjoyable exchanges with the gorgeous Erika Eleniak (playing a beauty who has been flown onto the ship as part of a surprise birthday party).

The plot is, unsurprisingly, easy to follow and any twists and turns are easy enough to spot but everything is raised up by the quality of the supporting cast: Jones, Busey, Colm Meaney, Glenn Morshower and many other familiar faces flesh out either the crew in danger or the baddies placing the crew in danger.It may not be the best Die Hard riff (that would be Speed AKA Die Hard on a bus) but it’s certainly near the top of the pile and a modern classic of entertaining action cinema.

9/10.

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Saturday, 30 July 2011

An Erotic Werewolf In London (2006)

How could I have been so silly? I saw this title and immediately thought “hmmm, I wonder just how closely they decided to stick to the plot of An American Werewolf In London?”

How foolish I was.

The plot (and I use the word in the loosest sense) is all about a woman who is also a werewolf, getting all furry and fanged when she’s having an orgasm. When she wanders into a lesbian sex bar to ask if she can call a cab (as you do) she proceeds to have lesbian sex with a girl who has just finished having lesbian sex with her partner. At the height of these sexy proceedings the werewolf lady gets all wolfy and bites the girl, who then has to go to hospital. Werewolf lady keeps tracking other women to have sex with and bite while victim number one wakes up in hospital and finds herself being turned all furry and fanged during a heated bout of lesbian sex. Meanwhile, a female journalist from “The Limey” newspaper interviews the werewolf lady before going out of her way to help the first victim.

You’ll notice from the brief, and lazy (I just don’t have the energy to waste on this trash), description above that lesbian sex features a lot in this film. That is, in fact, all that the movie has going for it, if you’re into that kinda thing. I’m not. In fact, I’ll astonish many a red-blooded male by saying that I was thoroughly bored after the first 5 minutes.

Misty Mundae plays victim number one and has a large fanbase for a reason. She’s quite cute and is the one person who comes closest to actually acting on occasion. Anoushka, playing the cannily titled Anoushka The Werewolf, is bloody awful, Zoe Moonshine playing the reporter is . . . . . . . . bloody awful and every other buxom lesbian/latent lesbian onscreen is . . . . . . . . . bloody awful.

William Hellfire (hmmm, I am thinking that he’s using a fake name there) claims to have wrote and directed the thing though I’m amazed that anyone would put their name to this dross. The script is, of course, laughable but people don’t watch this kind of thing for ear-tickling dialogue. It’s all about the sex scenes, which are repetitive and laughable, especially when women are supposedly turning into werewolves in the heat of passion. I’m not even sure if this thing qualifies as a feature, coming in at just under 70 minutes in length, and that’s padded out by ridiculously edited insert shots and annoying, random images.

Oh, and in case you’re in any doubt, there is nothing here except the title that gives a passing nod to the classic John Landis movie. The final rating is raise slightly for the benefit of those who seek out this film for its simple aesthetic highlights.

3/10

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Friday, 22 July 2011

Fifty Pills (2006)

A decent, if unspectacular, comedy that ends up feeling like some extended episode of “Undeclared” thanks to the cast of fresh faces and the number of quirky characters, Fifty Pills tries hard to be likeable and just manages it.

Lou Taylor Pucci is Darren, a young man who has just lost his college scholarship thanks to a party that was thrown by his roommate (drug-dealing Coleman, played by John Hensley). This is despite the fact that Darren wasn’t even there at the time. He is given a little bit of time by a sympathetic housing manager and Coleman gives him fifty pills, hence the title, that he should be able to sell at $20 each to earn the money he desperately needs to be able to stay on in college. And so Darren sets off on a quest to sell the pills, make the money and keep his life on track.

Director Theo Avgerinos and writer Matthews Perniciaro seem to be aiming for a hip, fun vibe but don’t get enough in the mix to make Fifty Pills anything more than a passable attempt to belatedly rife the coat-tails of Go. The script isn’t all that sharp and the direction isn’t all that stylish but, thankfully, the cast and characters do a lot to raise the whole thing up to a rating of just-above-average.

Pucci is okay, if a bit bland, in the main role, Hensley is as good as he so often is and the potential love interest comes in the form of a young Kristen Bell. Nora Zehetner is fun for her limited time onscreen, Eddie Kaye Thomas is hilarious, Michael Pena provides a few laughs and Monica Keena gets to have a lot of fun. The gorgeous Diora Baird is onscreen for less than a minute (sigh) and we get a few moments of magnificent scene-stealing from Jane Lynch and John Kapelos as Darren’s parents.

It moves along briskly enough, and tries hard to please, but Fifty Pills is certainly not a movie that would be deemed unmissable. It is, however, worth 90 minutes of your time if it comes on and you have nothing else scheduled.

6/10.

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Thursday, 21 July 2011

Killer Tongue (1996)

There are many reasons why I love the insane, and insanely entertaining, Killer Tongue. Melinda Clarke being in the lead role is the main one but none of the other reasons really make much sense. It’s just a matter of personal taste (no pun intended).

Melinda Clarke plays Candy, a loving woman who we see pulling off a successful robbery with her beau, Johnny (Jason Durr). Unfortunately, Johnny is then caught and has to do some hard time in the company of people like Wig (Doug Bradley) and under the ever-watchful eye of the sadistic prison director (Robert Englund). Candy goes into hiding in a nun but when the time comes to move on she’s out of there quick-sharp. Taking her three dogs along, she leaves just in time – a newspaper photo reveals her location to the two men she and Johnny ripped off in the aftermath of their big score. While she waits for Johnny, Candy makes soup for her and the dogs and, wouldn’t you just know it, a killer tongue from outer space lands in the soup and gets into her body, transforming her into a black-haired vixen with an appetite for . . . . . . . . . more than soup. And her dogs are transformed into three camp young men (including one Jonathan Rhys Meyers). Johnny is trying to get to Candy, upset criminals are trying to get to Candy, a determined nun is trying to get to Candy but Candy is probably best left alone while she struggles with her new, lively tongue.

Yes, you read the above paragraph correctly. Killer Tongue IS that insane. It’s also got some laughs here and there, a few blood-spattered moments and a layer of eroticism as Candy grapples with the tongue.

Writer-director Alberto Sciamma is clearly a little bit bonkers, but the good kind of bonkers. He elicits over the top performances from most of the actors onscreen (Nigel Whitmey, as Chip, gets arguably the best moment with one explosive fit of anger revolving around clothing) and fills the screen with equal parts colour and grime. Clarke is a good sport in the lead role, and as gorgeous as ever, and the other big presence in the movie is Robert Englund, brilliantly portraying a character who is all sleaze and nastiness.

Top things off with a cheesy, bouncy soundtrack and a couple of amusing conversations between a woman and an alien tongue and you have something that’s certainly not for everyone but that should be enjoyed by more warped individuals. Like myself.

7/10.

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Out For Justice (1991)

Steven Seagal stretches himself yet again as a tough, New York cop out to kick ass to avenge the death of his colleague in this bloody, brutal action thriller that benefits immensely from a smattering of familiar faces in the supporting cast and pacing that never lets things slow down for too long.

Seagal plays Gino Felino (no, that really is the name that they’ve given him), a man who gets very, very upset when his partner is gunned down in the street in broad daylight by drug-addled and power-hungry maniac Richie Madano. Gino will do whatever it takes to get to Richie, even if it means upsetting the gangsters that he’s always maintained cordial relations with, arresting Richie’s family members and generally busting up shady areas that he knows Richie has been known to frequent. As Gino gets closer to Richie, the risks get higher and higher.

Director John Flynn has produced a few decent movies during his career and this is one of them, as long as you’re a fan of Seagal’s fighting style. David Lee Henry’s script isn’t bad either, managing to balance a little mystery and a little soul-searching for our leading man in between the nose-breaking and ass-kicking.

Seagal is, as ever, as appealing or unappealing as you’ve already decided to find him. He knows his target audience and delivers accordingly. Thankfully, he’s surrounded by some great acting this time from the likes of Jerry Orbach, Dominic Chianese (probably best known nowadays to people as “Junior” from The Sopranos) and a magnificent William Forsythe being . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . magnificent in the role of Richie Madano. The ladies onscreen include Gina Gershon, Julianne Margulies and Shannon Whirry in a small role.

The action scenes are enjoyable, a mix of style and harsh straightforward moves that are Seagal’s trademark. Out For Justice would, arguably, be the last Seagal film to really have that slight edge, that coating of old-school revenge thriller over the martial arts polish, and it’s all the better for it, boasting a finale as satisfying as it is bone-crunchingly painful.

7/10.

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Friday, 15 July 2011

Hot Moves (1984)

A group of horny teens vow to lose their virginity before beginning their senior year of high school. Yes, Hot Moves is yet another 80s forerunner to American Pie and it’s also one of the better outings in the 80s teen sex comedy subgenre.

The plot doesn’t get complicated in any way, and leaves room for moments that are really nothing more than music videos showcasing the sun-kissed activity of Venice Beach, but that means that viewers can sit back and enjoy a series of extended skits all based around people just trying to have sex.

Michael Zorek gets the most screentime, playing Barry, but the central character is really Michael (Adam Silbar), who appears to want his girlfriend (Julie Ann, played by Jill Schoelen) for sex that has yet to happen. Michael is jealous of a girl (Heidi, played by Deborah Richter) that he sees accompanying his brother along the beach and this sets his libido into overdrive. Not that it takes all that much.

Hot Moves has, obviously, dated quite a bit since it was released almost 30 years ago but it holds up better than many others from the time thanks to a relatively likeable group of lads anchoring the shenanigans and a number of set-ups for laughs that are actually pretty funny. Things take a little while to get going but once Barry thinks he’s in luck with a woman who likens him to a big teddy bear it’s pretty solid for laughs from then on.

The movie also receives a big boost thanks to the lovely ladies onscreen. Jill Schoelen is cute enough, Deborah Richter is gorgeous and there’s also some onscreen time for the beautiful Monique Gabrielle.

Peter Foldy and Larry Anderson are the men responsible for the script. It’s no classic but spaces out enough info and details to lay the groundwork for the bigger laughs and the more satisfying moments. Director Jim Sotos may have only helmed about half a dozen movies in his career but he doesn’t do too badly here, providing enough sunshine, smirks and nudity to keep the core demographic pleased until the end credits roll. Yep, Hot Moves holds up surprisingly well.

7/10.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Ghostwatch (1992)

Forget Cannibal Holocaust . . . . . . . . . THIS was the show that surely impressed the Blair Witch boys. Watching Ghostwatch now is a rich, rewarding experience. Quite an eye-opener considering what followed in the faux-reality horrors of the next ten years or so (and on, of course, but the 90s and turn of the 21^st century arguably saw the biggest impact made by this particular sub-genre). But to review Ghostwatch I really have to go back to it’s initial airing on the BBC on Halloween night, 1992.

I was 16 (turning 17 in a couple of months) so you’d think that I would be beyond being really scared by anything on TV at that point. But nothing had been on TV that had quite the impact of Ghostwatch. On that particular Halloween night I was babysitting. On my own. The child was asleep so that was that, it was just me and the TV in the corner. Ghostwatch was due to start and I was intrigued, not expecting too much. Michael Parkinson was hosting, a reliable and trusted face from British television and there were other familiar, comforting TV stalwarts – Craig Charles, Mike Smith and Sarah Greene. Apparently, many people in the UK had read in advance about Ghostwatch and knew that it wasn’t real. I hadn’t. Apparently, many people didn’t switch the thing off as soon as it appeared to end and so could read the end credits. I didn’t. This means that the 90 minutes I spent watching Ghostwatch, on my own at the age of 16, were the most terrifying 90 minutes I have ever experienced in the company of the British Broadcasting Corporation.

A recent viewing of Ghostwatch (almost 20 years after it’s original airing) actually left me feeling pleased that it stood up quite well and I felt I had every right to be terrified all those years ago.

The basic premise is a one-off “ghostwatch”, obviously enough, by the BBC. Michael Parkinson is sitting in a studio with a Dr. Lin Pascoe (Gillian Bevan), the phone lines are open and information is being passed along via Mike Smith while Craig Charles and Sarah Greene hope to capture the action on location. That location is a house in a standard English street that has been the scene of much paranormal activity, most of it centred around two young girls (Suzanne and Kim Early, played by Michelle Wesson and Cherise Wesson). The girls are pretty traumatised while the mother (Pamela Early, played by Brid Brennan) is worn out. Will the cameras actually catch anything on film while details are revealed about the history of the ghost, named “Pipes” by the mother who initially tried to appease her daughters by telling them that the strange noises they had been hearing were caused by the pipes.

What’s so effective about Ghostwatch is just how realistic and believable it is during the first hour. The stories being aired, the banter between presenters, the sleek BBC presentation of everything – it all feels just as a programme of this kind would/should feel.

Not all of the actors are up to the task of carrying the thing off (though I never noticed back when I thought it was all real anyway and was too busy trying not to soil my underwear) but most of them do a good enough job and a few do very well indeed. In fact, Sarah Greene deserves particular credit for portraying a version of herself that remains quite believable even as things get decidedly spooky.

The direction by Lesley Manning, and script by Stephen Volk, keeps everything finely balanced. The first hour is a slow burn in many ways but still has one or two big frights in there. What it does so expertly, however, is to throw in tiny details that mess with your perceived view of events and to foreshadow stuff that you forget has been foreshadowed even as it’s scaring the bejesus out of you, in a final 20-30 minutes that still raises goosebumps on my arms to this day.

Based largely on “The Enfield Poltergeist”, Ghostwatch retains an authenticity about it that fans of real-life paranormal studies should appreciate. It also remains an intelligent and thrilling experience and deserves to be seen by all horror fans, if only to see how the BBC aired such a curious Halloween treat that became Britain’s answer to that old Orson Welles “War Of The Worlds” interpretation.

9/10

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Marked For Death (1990)

Steven Seagal steps up to the mark to put an end to that voodoo and hoodoo that you do, in a movie that ends up being one of his very best thanks to a decent script, enjoyable baddie and the standard slap-happy chop-sockiness from our hero.

Seagal plays John Hatcher, a DEA agent in need of a holiday. The war against drugs clearly isn’t working and Hatcher needs to take a break from everything. He heads home to visit his family (including Elizabeth Gracen, Bette Ford and a young Danielle Harris) and finds that the dangerous world of drugs has begun to infiltrate his old neighbourhood, much to the chagrin of his old coach, Max (Keith David). Hatcher doesn’t want to get involved but when he’s caught up in the middle of a violent shoot-out he realises that he has to help. But these drug-dealing Jamaicans, led by the fear-inducing Screwface (Basil Wallace), will go to any lengths to maintain their superior position. That includes targeting Hatcher’s family, which only makes Hatcher angrier.

I don’t know quite why I love this movie as much as I do, I just know that it will always be a favourite of mine. The action is decent, Seagal still can’t act and the content is slightly less gritty than his first two star vehicles but Marked For Death has plenty to make up for that. The opening sequence is great fun, and features a silent and younger Danny Trejo, the supporting cast is massively boosted by the inclusion of the great Keith David, it’s a blast watching Seagal face voodoo “powers” head on with his usual bone-breaking style and then we have one of my favourite exchanges in any action movie ever:

“One thought he was invincible... the other thought he could fly.”
“So?”
“They were both wrong.”

Michael Grais and Mark Victor are responsible for the script, which is full of a few other gems that should raise a smile, and Dwight H. Little directs what may remain a highpoint in his film career.

It’s undeniably dumb in places, especially with the inclusion of Joanna Pacula’s character for nothing more than a bit of exposition, but it’s also consistently fun, benefits from a great turn from Tom Wright, has room for a small Kevin Dunn appearance, throws a decent car chase in there and some impressive swordplay. If Steven Seagal hadn’t lucked out with Under Siege I still say that this would have remained his finest hour.

8/10

Monday, 11 July 2011

Hard To Kill (1990)

Steven Seagal’s second star vehicle has so much good stuff in it that it’s one I thoroughly enjoy despite (or, perhaps, because of) how ridiculous it all is.

The star this time plays the brilliantly-monikered Mason Storm (surely a character name that Nicolas Cage was kicking himself for missing out on). Mason Storm is, as if you didn’t know already, a tough cop who will do what needs to be done to expose corruption and bring down the bad guys. Except this time his work follows him home and a bunch of hired killers do their best to stop the respiration cycles of Mason, his wife and child. Mason is pronounced dead, for his own safety, and it’s almost the truth – he spends a number of years in a coma. Thankfully, when he wakes up he has some immediate assistance from nurse Andy Stewart (Kelly Le Brock) as the baddies coincidentally find out his whereabouts and set about trying to kill him.

One montage or two later and it’s time for the scumbags to be running scared as Seagal lets his anger grow with his strength and sets out for revenge/justice.

Okay, so Hard To Kill could also have been titled Hard To Take Seriously but the comedy factor here is just as entertaining as the, quite enjoyably brutal, fight scenes. Whether it’s Seagal escaping from killers while wheeling himself around on a hospital trolley or just Seagal being given a ridiculous beard to show how time has passed, this film is full of chuckles. There’s also the “cool” saxophone soundtrack moments, the unbelievable relationship developed between patient and nurse and the absolute contrivance of everything that screams “80s action” (though this was released in 1990 and is, technically, a film from that decade).

Seagal is okay, still best when he’s simply kicking ass, and Le Brock does alright in a rather thankless role but there’s also great support from people like Frederick Coffin (as grizzled, trusted colleague, O’Malley), Branscombe Richmond and the great William Sadler as a crooked senator.

Stephen McKay’s script is very much by-the-numbers and Bruce Malmuth directs in a similar style but the whole film also has a pleasing edge to it. It may cop out occasionally (no pun intended) but it’s often a pleasing revenge thriller with the more satisfying moments showing Seagal mercilessly toying with and then despatching those who destroyed his life.

7/10