Prime Time: Reborn (2018)

Maybe I would have enjoyed Reborn more if it hadn't seemed so smug about having a couple of well-known stars in the cast. Maybe I would have enjoyed it more if I hadn't been so irked by a quote that referred to it as "Carrie for a new generation".  Or maybe, just maybe, I enjoyed it just as much as I could have enjoyed it. I certainly didn't hate it, despite a very silly opening act, but it's not a film that makes me want to note down the names of everyone involved.

The rather distasteful starting point for the plot concerns a stillborn baby brought back to life and cared for by a Frankenstein-like morgue attendant. That baby grows up to be Tess (Kayleigh Gilbert), a young woman with the ability to control electricity around her in a way that can harm others. Tess ends up spending time with actress Lena O'Neill (Barbara Crampton), an actress who doesn't realise that her child has come back into her life. It's not Lena's fault though, considering she was told that her child died during her pregnancy. The bodycount starts to rise, and Tess has to decide when she can tell her mother the truth. Meanwhile, a detective (Michael Paré) is trying to piece things together.

Director Julian Richards might do a decent job with the material here, but it's often very obvious that writer Michael Mahin doesn't have too much experience in his field. This is a very (mercifully?) short film, with a runtime of approximately 77 minutes, but it still feels a bit baggy and disappointingly lacking in the conviction to just keep delivering as many thrills and moments of bloodshed as possible.

I like Crampton in pretty much anything, and her presence here is a big bonus, but that's not to diminish the work of Gilbert, who actually manages to be the best part of the film. Equal parts deadly and sympathetic, Gilbert works hard to sell the sillier aspects of the script and keep her character as a villain that you can spend most of the runtime rooting for. Paré, on the other hand, has one of the least interesting roles in the movie, and he feels sadly wasted. Rae Dawn Chong has a small role, and is as wasted as Paré, but I guess having her name to add to the cast list is a bonus (hey, I would be lying if I said it hadn't helped to lure me in).

Reborn was something I didn't mind watching, for the most part. While not quite good, it certainly didn't feel bad. I could overlook a lot of the minor failings because I was enjoying the chance to watch Gilbert and Crampton shine. If the film had gone for some standard and cheesy ending then I might have been recommending this, with reservations, to like-minded horror fans. Unfortunately, the very last scenes are a huge mis-step, ending the whole thing on a note of backslapping cutesiness that jars with everything that came along beforehand. There's also a cameo that actually caused me to roll my eyes so far to the back of my head that I saw the very rear section of my own brain.

Saved by the cast, almost ruined by the ending, Reborn ends up as something supremely average. It's certainly not a film I can imagine anyone watching more than once.

5/10

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Men In Black II (2002)

Another day, another chance to revisit a film that I think was always given a bit too hard a time when it was first released. Men In Black II is a lot of fun. It’s as well-paced and inventive as the first movie. The returning players are still great in their roles. It just isn’t as good as the hugely successful original.

A new baddie has landed on Earth (Serleena, played by Lara Flynn Boyle), looking to get their hands on something that was hidden away years ago by Agent Kay (Tommy Lee Jones). Unfortunately, Agent Kay had his mind wiped when he chose to retire from the MIB organisation, which makes things tricky when Agent Jay (Will Smith) has to bring him back “into the office”. Can they protect the valuable asset that Serleena is seeking? Can they even find the damn thing in time?

Written by Robert Gordon and Barry Fanaro, in place of Ed Solomon, and with Barry Sonnenfeld back in the director’s chair, Men In Black II doesn’t feel very far removed from its predecessor. There are one or two scenes that spend a bit too much time being too earnest and unfunny, but they are few and far between. Overall, this is a pretty great sequel, full of both new gags and gags that call back to lines and moments in the first film. The visual style is just as cool and slick throughout, and Danny Elfman once again delivers with his music (I think his main theme for this movie series holds up as some of his best work). Sonnenfeld keeps perfect control over everything, or at least makes it seem that way, and every extra detail, in the plot or production design, feels well-considered and relevant.

Although their roles have changed somewhat, Smith and Jones still make a great central pairing. The former remains cocky and ready to deliver witty lines, the latter still retains an air of exasperation around his well-worn face. Boyle is fun in the role of Serleena, an alien dominatrix with their tendrils whipping whoever doesn’t give them the right answers to their questions, and Johnny Knoxville is . . . well, look, I like Johnny Knoxville, but his character is the weak link there, a two-headed creation given too many chances to fool around in a way that isn’t on a par with the rest of the humour in the film. Rosario Dawson is a worthy addition to the cast, playing a murder witness named Laura who somehow avoids having her memory wiped, and there’s a typically great little turn from Patrick Warburton at the start of the movie. Rip Torn, Frank The Pug, and Tony Shalhoub all make welcome returns, as do the odd little “worm guys” (CG creations who all perk up when Dawson is introduced to them), and there are some fun cameos to keep your eyes peeled for.

The first film set a very high bar when it comes to blockbuster sci-fi comedy, and it holds up as a brilliant slice of modern mainstream cinema, but I remain convinced that this is a worthy sequel. It’s smart, it’s funny, it hits similar main beats. It just isn’t the first film, and I think those judging it too harshly on that basis are being a tad unfair. Although you can deduct an extra point or two from my rating if you REALLY can’t stand Frank The Pug. I have somehow grown to enjoy his screentime a bit more than I used to, but I can see how he could hurt the viewing experience.

7/10

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Mubi Monday: Gangs Of New York (2002)

Despite owning Gangs Of New York for at least a decade, I have a strong suspicion that I haven't actually rewatched it since first seeing it on VHS back when it was first released. I believe my opinion was one shared by many other people then. Daniel Day-Lewis was brilliant as the main villain (well, sort of the main villain, I'll expand on that soon enough), Leonardo DiCaprio was good, but not great, and Cameron Diaz was the weakest of the stars onscreen. The film was typical Scorsese, forming another chapter in his ongoing series about violent people creating things that then become bigger than them. Goodfellas is about a man making himself into a mobster, and a monster. Casino is about the mob building Las Vegas. Gangs Of New York is all about the thuggery and violence that was used to shape, I'll give you two guesses, yep, New York.

DiCaprio plays Amsterdam Vallon, a man we see returning to the bosom of New York many years after watching his father be killed in a huge street battle. The man who killed him is Bill 'The Butcher' Cutting (Day-Lewis), a figure who basically runs the city. Amsterdam has to bide his time before avenging his father, which allows him to get closer and closer to Bill, but he also gets closer to a young woman named Jenny Everdeane (Diaz). It might take a village to raise a child, but it takes some rough time on the streets to make a man. Or something like that.

It's easy to see why director Martin Scorsese would have been drawn to this story/script, written by Jay Cocks, Steve Zaillian, and Kenneth Lonergan. It shows a bloody chapter in history that did just as much to help some people as it did to destroy many others. What is more surprising, especially when rewatching the film today, is just how it stealthily leads you towards an overview of a whole system that is imbalanced and riddled with injustice. People like Bill are able to hold on to their positions because they help those who are in official positions of power. Respectability is a mask, and often worn by those who can quickly call on others to do their dirty work for them, and for a ridiculously low price. And no matter where you think you are in the pecking order, your position is only there as long as those with much more money and power allow it.

Day-Lewis steals the movie, and rightly so. His character is a perfect blend of great writing matched by a flawless performance, and he's always a believable threat to those around him. While DiCaprio isn't as assured or memorable, he does enough to make his part work, and he just about manages to hold his own when sharing the screen with such a formidable co-star. Diaz isn't terrible, but she struggles to convince anyone that she was one of the best picks for the role, although she's not helped by a script that is much more confident with the many main male roles than it is with the lone woman. Elsewhere, the cast is stacked with great actors giving their best attempts at the accents (mainly Irish American). Brendan Gleeson and Gary Lewis are highlights, but you also get to enjoy John C. Reilly, Stephen Graham, Jim Broadbent, and Henry Thomas in some plum roles.

Where this succeeds is in the way it cuts into the corpses that helped to build a city, and also helped to build America, and then starts to show how even the strongest figures were so often puppeteered by those with limited patience for them. Where is falls down slightly is in the way it feels exactly like a film from the early 2000s. This comes through in the casting, it comes through in a score and soundtrack that is not up there with the best work of either composer Howard Shore or Scorsese himself (who often has a great ear for the best tunes to use), and it is there in a couple of moments that I would argue remain some of the most disappointing work from the usually flawless editor Thelma Schoonmaker. I am not a complete moron though, and there are still plenty of moments here where she shows off her consummate skill, but one or two big battle scenes are marred by editing choices - changes in the speed of the action, a lot of cross-dissolving and overlaid imagery - that feel very much from this time.

Despite these minor criticisms, and they are based on very conscious choices by the director, Gangs Of New York easily holds up as another absolute cracker from a director who has rarely put a foot wrong throughout a long and impressive career. And, despite very stiff competition, it’s quite possibly the best performance that Day-Lewis has ever given.

8/10

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Netflix And Chill: 1922 (2017)

There was a time when I considered Stephen King as the master of the short horror story. In fact, regardless of genre, he was a master of that form. That time has long passed though. He still puts out some great short stories, but they're not as effective, or short, as they used to be. 1922 is one such tale, having started life as a novella in the collection titled Full Dark, No Stars (alongside Big Driver, Fair Extension, and A Good Marriage, with only one of those tales still waiting for the inevitable adaptation from page to screen).

This is the tale of a family set to come apart. Wilfred James is a proud and hard-working farmer, unwilling to accept that his wife, Arlette, wants to sell their land and move elsewhere. With his son, Henry, on his side, Wilfred eventually sets out to do the unthinkable in order to maintain the status quo he wants in his life. Believing he has thought of everything, Wilfred soon starts to encounter a few wrinkles in his plan. Before you can say "tell-tale heart", things start to get increasingly strange and tense on the farm.

Adapted and directed by Zak Hilditch, 1922 is far from the worst of the many Stephen King movies we have had over the years. It just has the same problem that many others do. It's been a while since I read this tale, but I felt that the film added a fair bit of extraneous material that took time and focus away from the enjoyably simple central idea. You also get that sense of familiarity that comes with most King tales.

The cast help though. Thomas Jane is excellent in the role of Wilfred, a weak man who thinks he can sort all of his problems with one deplorable act, and Molly Parker does well in the role of Arlette, a role that obviously requires a lot less screentime. Dylan Schmid is their son, suitably changed by the fateful night that has him assisting his father in a heinous crime, and he also does good work. While the supporting cast features roles for Brian d'Arcy James (a standard friendly sheriff), Bob Frazer, and Kaitlyn Bernard, the only other standout is Neal McDonough. He's not used well, but he's Neal McDonough, able to make a strong impression even in the most minor of roles.

Competently put together, the production design, audio, score and all other technical aspects feel on a par with one another when it comes to a level of quality, it's just a shame that this never feels as if it gets into gear. Letting everything unfold at a languid pace, and with Jane's character rarely giving in to external displays of his internal stress and struggle, Hilditch arguably makes the mistake of treating the whole thing too seriously. I wouldn't want it filled with humour, don't get me wrong, but moving between the real horror of the premise and some more entertaining moments of mania could have allowed for even more full-blooded scares, complementing the growing dread and misery that fills up the second half of the film.

I wouldn't recommend this to anyone, apart from the kind of people who may want to watch every Stephen King adaptation ever made (aka masochists), but I also wouldn't strongly warn people away from it. Some will end up loving or hating it much more than I did, but I think it's fair to rate this as absolutely average as average can be.

5/10

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Shudder Saturday: Influencer (2022)

AKA The Talented Miss Selfie. Or maybe that's just my pet name for this.

Everyone seems to be focused on how they present themselves online now. Not just themselves, but also their lifestyle, their surroundings, and, of course, their food. I resisted the lure of Instagram for a long time, only caving in when I decided to use it as a daily way to promote the podcast I co-host. Have I photographed a gorgeous meal? Yes. I tend to use it most to share movie images though, whether I am selecting posters or specific movie moments, and I also enjoy showcasing recent additions to my movie collection (without ever sharing a picture of the dents in my credit card balance).

Influencer, as the title suggests, shows us some people who take their time on Instagram much more seriously than I do. It's no surprise to see that director and co-writer Kurtis David Harder was also a producer on the excellent Superhost (a film that this pairs very nicely with), and the script crafted by Harder and Tesh Guttikonda, unashamedly also runs close to the many "*insert noun* from hell" movies that really started to form a solid sub-genre in the late 1980s, after the success of Fatal Attraction.

The excellent Cassandra Naud is a woman known simply as CW. She sees a pretty influencer in a bar (Madison, played by Emily Tennant) and conspires to get close to her, claiming that she could easily take over Madison's social media account and nobody would notice the difference. CW is talented with tech, able to manipulate photos and video footage to make it seem as if someone is still just living their best life, even if they're temporarily incapacitated by a psychopath (hypothetically). CW then meets another influencer (Jessica, played by Sara Canning) and starts to use her same old tricks, but this time her plan is upset by the appearance of Madison's boyfriend, Ryan (Rory J. Saper). 

While Harder and Guttikonda do well with this premise, mixing entertaining tension and obvious commentary in a way that somehow never feels too unbelievable, they have helped themselves enormously in two main ways. First of all, despite the opening credits coming in at just over the 20-minute mark, this has an appropriate runtime of approximately 90 minutes. Second, the cast are all a perfect fit for their roles. Naud is the highlight, but everyone does great work.

As she moves between charm and threat, Naud is constantly enthralling, and figuring out how she might stop things unravelling is just as much fun as watching her pull from the bag of tricks that she uses to hook in potential victims. We get to see most of the other characters trying to figure things out and maintain what they assume is a standard level of civility, but Naud gets to play the person who we see acting most often with "no filter" (and it surely cannot be coincidence that she is known as CW, which is shorthand online for Content Warning). Both Tennant and Canning are believable Insta-people, with the latter having the advantage of being able to witness things that make her more suspicious and defensive than the former. Saper's character is a bit irritating, deliberately so, but his tenacity helps to set up a finale that viewers will look forward to, knowing that there has to be some confrontation with CW that should end in one of two ways.

The more I think about this, the less I find to criticise. Of course it all starts to fall apart if you start to dig deeper into each main component of CW's plan, but it keeps everything entertaining and interesting enough that you don't stop to analyse it all while it's playing out. And, let's whisper it to avoid funny looks, there are also one or two moments here that a number of us may view as wish-fulfilment.

8/10

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Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania (2023)

I have enjoyed the Ant-Man movies, despite them always feeling like lesser Marvel movies. While everything was building towards grand Avengers-based adventures, being taken on tangents with Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) and co. felt refreshingly small-scale (no pun intended) and more simplistically fun. And I own them on 3D Blu-ray, which is the best way to get maximum enjoyment from them, as far as I’m concerned.

Try as I might, however, I could not work up any enthusiasm for this third instalment in the series. Marvel have been wildly inconsistent after achieving an astonishing modern cinematic success with the finale of the Infinity War saga, and I wasn’t thrilled to think of an entire movie set on the quantum realm. We have been there before, very briefly, and it’s visualized as an alien landscape in which people can very easily lose their minds.

But here we are. Things start very quickly. Cassie (Scott’s daughter, now played by Kathryn Newton) has been working on a device to map the quantum realm. It works by beaming a signal down there, which causes a problem when something locks on to that signal and drags Cassie, her dad, Hope Van Dyne AKA The Wasp (Evangeline Lilly), Hank Pym (Michael Douglas), and Janet Van Dyne (Michelle Pfeiffer). The quantum realm is even more dangerous than ever, thanks to the looming presence of Kang The Conqueror (Jonathan Majors).

Peyton Reed may be an experienced pair of hands back in the director’s chair, and he may have his cast happy to work with the usual large amount of invisible environments to be added in later, but writer Jeff Loveness is the one trying to fit everything into the film in a way that mixes humour and tension as it sets up the new main villain of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Sadly, he isn’t up to the task, leaving the cast floundering and the screen full of garishly overdone CGI that wouldn’t look out of place in some of the Star Wars prequels.

The only thing this gets absolutely right is the build-up for Kang, and that is as much down to the performance of Majors as it is to the script. Jokes are very hit and miss, with way more of the latter than the former, and it’s strange to even think of a whole movie set in the quantum realm when previous movies had delivered such dire warnings about accidentally going there. Then you have the issue of scale, changing scale often being a vital fun factor for these movies. It isn’t as enjoyable to watch someone shrink and supersize, depending on the situation, while they are in a world with less substantial reference points to help underline the rapid changes.

It isn’t necessarily ALL the fault of Loveness, who I am sure will have been given plenty of notes and plot points to hit, but the script here, in every way, keeps this bogged down near the very bottom of the Marvel movie pile.

Rudd is still a great choice for our hero, arguably even better at portraying an reluctant everyman hero than Tom Holland in the Peter/Spider-Man role. Newton is a great addition, playing her socially-conscious teen with an energy and naïveté that stops her from ever becoming too annoying. Douglas, Pfeiffer, and Lilly are all as good as you would hope, and all get involved in some of the action set-pieces, and there is a surprising reappearance in the series for Corey Stoll, although I am still making up my mind on whether I liked or disliked his character. Majors is the other highlight though, as I have already said, and the third act at least does well to give viewers an idea of how this character should so effectively threaten, and could even change, heroes, timelines, and realities.

There are some fun cameos, and one that feels a bit too smug and irritating (for some reason), and an intriguing moment at the end, as expected, and I will admit that some of the third act came close to making up for some of the lacklustre scenes that preceded it. Close, but not quite close enough. Visually, tonally, and even conceptually, this is a mess. It’s a shame that it couldn’t at least manage to be a consistently entertaining mess.

4/10

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Sisu (2022)

Another bit of cinematic escapism from talented writer-director Jalmari Helander, Sisu is a film that embraces a simple concept and a sense of the ridiculous, yet also stays within touching distance of plausibility, to give viewers a blood-soaked thrill ride that almost outshines any other “one man/woman army” from the past year or so. And this year has included the mighty John Wick: Chapter 4.

It is nearing the end of World War II. The dying days, if you will. Keeping himself apart from any of the last battles, one man (Jorma Tommila) spends his time prospecting for gold. And he finds it. A sizable amount. It looks like a happy life ahead for him, but that all changes when he starts transporting the gold and encounters a number of Nazis standing in his way. Nazis are always bad news, but Nazis that know the war is ending and decide that someone else’s gold could help them have a comfortable post-war life are very bad news indeed for our hero. 

Sisu doesn’t take long to get going, and once it does . . . hoooo boy, it doesn’t stop. Aatami (the name of the main character) is a strong and very silent type, almost not speaking at all during the movie, and he knows exactly where to hit people to kill them off as quickly as possible while his body acquires more wounds and scars. Aside from the usual guns and bladed weaponry, Aatami uses mines, vehicles, and a hefty pickaxe to kill off the Nazis dumb enough to pick a fight with him.

Tommila is excellent in the main role, suitably grizzled and looking very capable of causing the carnage that he does, and all of the actors playing his enemies have that air of smugness and, well, Nazi-ism that has you looking forward to every one of them getting their comeuppance. Aksel Hennie plays the big bad, the one person who both embodies the general horribleness of Nazis and also makes things very personal in time for the finale, and he does a great job of being stupidly confident in the face of a gathering storm of fatal violence. As well as our hero and villains, there are also a number of captive women who prove invaluable in helping Aatami to whittle down the numbers of his enemies, and the actresses easily hold their own in a film that could have easily forgotten to include any female characters at all.

There’s a cracking score, courtesy of Juri Seppä and Tuomas Wäinölä, brilliant effects to fill the screen with bloodshed and grim deaths, and chapter breaks that essentially work as links between the memorable set-pieces. The film is inventive, perfectly-paced (the runtime is a very welcome 90 minutes, approximately), and manages to make every scar, on land or skin, look much more visually interesting than expected. Helander has given film fans yet another brilliant killer who can watch enemy faces turn pale when they learn of his name. His reputation precedes him, in the movie world, and I hope we get more opportunities to watch him do what he does best.

What he does best is kill people in a variety of gory ways, in case that wasn’t obvious.

9/10

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Prime Time: Air (2023)

If you are going to make a film about the creation of a superstar shoe then you should probably help yourself in a number of ways. First, make sure you have a good director and write combo. Second, assemble a great cast to keep the story compelling as we wind our way between obstacles on the way to the ending that we already know. Third, try to make it fun. Nobody wants to come away from a film feeling as if they have just watched a 2-hour advert for one product.

Air is all about the deal that got Michael Jordan working with Nike, lending his name to the famous Nike Air Jordan line, and now seems as good a time as any to turn that story into a film. Especially while Adidas are crying into a huge pile of Yeezy trainers, proving how costly it can be when these things go majorly wrong. Knowing that people won’t just want to see a deal, and trainer, being made though, Air is also 1980s: The Movie. If there’s something from the first half of that decade that you have a fond nostalgia for then the chances are good that you will see it onscreen. Some may not like that approach, but I definitely enjoyed it, helped by the fact that the decade was the time of my formative years (well, not counting the decades of emotional arrested development I had to work hard to break through in just the past few years).

Ben Affleck is in the director’s chair, as well as giving himself the role of Nike CEO Phil Knight, and he does a great job with the script from first-timer Alex Convery. There are lots of great dialogue exchanges throughout, and numerous fascinating titbits sprinkled here and there, with everything surrounded by ‘80s ephemera and soundtracked by a cracking selection of hits (from Dire Straits to Harold Faltermeyer, Bruce Springsteen, and many more).

Although Affleck has a decent role, he’s a supporting player. The main character is Sonny Vaccaro, played by Matt Damon. He is the man who sees the potential in Jordan, and the potential in this landmark deal. Well, to be absolutely correct, the main character is Michael Jordan, but, excluding a montage of his major life moments, he is only ever shown in part, played by an actor who is shown from the back or is kept just off frame. His mother and father are played by Viola Davis and Julius Tennon, and Davis gets a couple of great scenes that highlight how her approval was vital to clinching the deal. Jason Bateman, Chris Tucker, Chris Messina, Marlon Wayans, and Matthew Maher also play a variety of people who all end up playing a part, big or small, in making the collaboration happen, and everyone seems to enjoy being part of such a perfectly-cast ensemble.

The cinematic equivalent of “dad rock”, Air also manages to justify its own existence by showing just how important the Nike Air Jordan became to so many people, from the company making profits to the Jordan family, to the entire world of sport, the world of clothing brands, and to the fans who rushed out to buy a shoe they saw not just any shoe, but a genuine piece of their idol. It’s also a lot of fun.

7/10

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Mad Heidi (2022)

While there has been a lot of fun delivered to genre movie fans by the past decade or so of film-makers emulating the grindhouse movie aesthetic, it has also given us some dross. A bad movie is not always improved by excessive gore effects and attempts to make it look old and damaged. 

Mad Heidi is advertised as the first Swissploitation movie, and it was realised with the help of a major crowdfunding campaign. If you know the classic tale of Heidi then you should enjoy it, but it’s also very accessible to those who somehow haven’t ever heard of the character. Sadly, it is also surprisingly boring.

Alice Lucy, an actress with a very small filmography you could check out in the space of an afternoon (not saying that as a criticism, it’s a note for anyone who wants to see her in other work), plays Heidi. Events conspire to make her a very angry Heidi, putting her on a path that will lead her to battle a dictator named President Meili (Casper Van Dien). Heavily-armed, skilled in a variety of combat styles, and with the potential to get oppressed people on her side, Heidi is a force to be reckoned with.

It’s hard to pin down quite why Mad Heidi doesn’t work for me. The tone is fairly amusing throughout, the onscreen world is set up quickly enough, and there are a number of cheese-based puns. In fact, a central part of the plot concerns weaponised cheese, which was ridiculous enough to make me smile. And, hey, a lot of Nazis get decimated. It just feels like there’s not enough in between the gags, gore gags or standard gags, and the film-makers rely on viewed being patient until they pull out the stops for a blood-soaked and gloopy finale, but that then feels like too little too late.

Lucy is fine in the lead role, as cute and light as Heidi should be, and then ready to cut up Nazis with a host of sharp weaponry. She’s a highlight, as is Van Dien, who overacts in a way that makes his character feel exactly as he should, a mad ruler struggling to keep the mask of politeness on his face as minor things start to become a major inconvenience for him. David Schofield is as welcome as ever, but sadly not onscreen for long, and Max Rüdlinger is an entertaining secondary villain. 

Directed by Johannes Hartmann and Sandro Klopfstein, who both also wrote the screenplay with Gregory D. Widmer and Trent Haaga (a man who has written some GREAT little movies), the overwhelming feeling by the time the end credits roll is one of wasted potential. The visuals often work well, the practical effects are enjoyably squishy and wet, and everyone involved gets into the spirit of the thing. It doesn’t come together though, and that is because of the script having too much randomness thrown in there, and all of it given equal weight by the directors. It’s like being cured of your sweet tooth by working in the chocolate factory and being told you can eat as much as you like. Sometimes less is more.

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started watching Mad Heidi. I certainly didn’t expect to be bored though, and that was my mental state for a good chunk of the middle section. One or two highlights in the finale almost made up for that, but not quite. The game cast gain a lot of goodwill though. Just not enough for me to view it as anything more than just below average.

4/10

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Mubi Monday: Of Human Bondage (1934)

A quintessentially British tale of unrequited love, Of Human Bondage starts off feeling a bit ridiculous and unbelievable before becoming easier and easier to find completely plausible. It’s odd, and may seem paradoxical, but it is easier to accept the blinkered vision of the lead character as he is treated worse and worse by the woman he has fallen in love with.

Leslie Howard plays Philip, a young man who seems destined to let his club foot affect his confidence and self-worth. He is immediately attracted to waitress Mildred (Bette Davis) when he meets her in a tearoom, but the attraction isn’t mutual. Mildred is cold and hostile, although she eventually agrees to date Philip. Things ultimately don’t work out between the pair, but Philip holds out hope that their time may come later. This one notion, this flame he keeps alight, affects Philip throughout the entire duration of Mildred’s life, making him the person she keeps turning to when she experiences yet another downturn in her fortunes.

Based on a novel by W. Somerset Maugham (which I haven’t read, sorry), this is a film that manages to feel both traditional, and a bit creaky in places, and yet also quite modern and depressingly timeless. It will resonate with anyone who has watched a friend get themselves into a bad situation because of who they have fallen in love with, and this has happened to both men and women throughout history. 

Adapted for the screen by Lester Cohen, with some uncredited work by Ann Coleman (apparently), and directed by John Cromwell, Of Human Bondage is a brilliant slice of well-presented misery. Viewers first meet Philip when he is being told that he will never amount to anything as an artist, for example, but the death of that dream is followed by a surprisingly easy move into the kind of education that leads to becoming a doctor.

Howard is great in his role, a typical British gentleman from this time (for better or worse), and he manages to say a hell of a lot with the briefest of expressions that occasionally belie his well-chosen words. Davis is the star though, delivering a performance full of cold spite, one that feels as if it is built around the core of every classic Davis performance, and managing to do it with a surprisingly decent cockney accent. Kay Johnson and Frances Dee are both very enjoyable, playing two other women who might make our main character happy, if he could only get Mildred out of his mind, Reginald Denny is a fairly unhelpful friend, and Reginald Owen manages to steal a couple of scenes as an elderly gentleman who is helped by Philip, and is able to do much more than just return the favour.

It might trip too easily from one major moment to the next, and it’s obviously also filtered through the morality of the 1930s, but Of Human Bondage excels throughout, largely thanks to the cast. Mildred  may be someone you want to boo and hiss at, like a pantomime villain, but she’s equally someone you can still somehow believe. There’s a harsh truth at the heart of this, one that underlines every scene with a bittersweet authenticity. We might not want to believe it, but there are so many examples in the real world around us.

8/10

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Netflix And Chill: The Mother (2023)

Another in the long line of films that allow older film stars to show how easily they can still deliver kickass action, The Mother is an action vehicle for Jennifer Lopez. Some people may not enjoy her in the lead role, but I thought she was one of the least problematic things about it.

Lopez plays the titular character, never given her actual name (because why would anyone bother with that, considering the film is all about the overwhelming power of motherhood? urgh), a woman who was once a special operative in the U.S. military. We first meet her, heavily pregnant, in a safe house, being interrogated by the FBI about bad people she ended up being closely connected to. The safe house isn't so safe though, and it's up to Lopez to protect herself, and Agent William Cruise (Omari Hardwick), before anyone else can get along to help them. A little girl is then born prematurely, and a deal is made in which ma waives her parental rights in exchange for a scenario that should keep her daughter safe. When that safety is threatened, twelve years later, the mother has to reconnect with her daughter, teaching her some life-saving skills while taking out the bad guys who are out to get them.

With a cast that also includes Joseph Fiennes and Gael García Bernal as the main villains (both sorely wasted), Paul Raci as a standard "we served together, I'll help you any way I can" character, and Lucy Paez as Zoe, the daughter, The Mother could have been something pretty decent. Lopez actually manages to feel tough and determined enough to be a capable killer, and is helped by the fact that her encounters often have her using the environment or the element of surprise to counter the potential greater strength of her enemies. Most of the action scenes don't work though, and the characterisation is horribly weak, with people left to spout lines that often feel like the kind of thing you would hear in a parody.

Misha Green, Andrea Berloff, and Peter Craig are responsible for the awful script, and it's probably the weakest work any of them have ever done. None of the backstory makes any sense, the premise just keeps turning into something less and less believable, and nobody acts in a way that feels realistic (e.g. the armed security guard who finds a dead colleague and then proceeds to walk alone down some stairs and out through a door that allows them to then also be killed . . . instead of immediately raising an alarm and falling back to protect the big boss). Many films in this vein can be ridiculous and unbelievable, but it doesn't matter if they're put together with just a small amount of care to make it seem plausible while keeping it all entertaining enough.

Director Niki Caro also has to take a fair share of the blame, seemingly uninterested in the material (I don't blame her for that) and jumping from one limp set-piece to the next with an inability to make it exciting, cool, or engaging. Perhaps everyone involved assumed that viewers would automatically be invested because of the standard "a mother will always be there" coding, but that's not enough to make up for so many other weak elements, especially if you don't agree with that core message.

It looks okay, for the most part, at least it clocks in at under 2 hours (115 minutes, so it still drags in places, but I'll take positives where I can find them), and Lopez is still a good leading lady, even if she deserves much better than this. That's it though. In terms of the actual content of the film, the simple entertainment factor, this absolutely fails to be any good.

3/10

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Shudder Saturday: Huesera: The Bone Woman (2022)

There are all different types of horror, as everyone already knows, and pregnancy is, in a way, an accepted form of body horror that we are used to seeing around us in everyday life. Once someone becomes pregnant, the many horrors of the world can become amplified, and new horrors can come to light. But Huesera: The Bone Woman isn’t necessarily about that, although it is an important look at the complexity of being pregnant without immediately being flooded by feelings of maternal care.

Natalia Solián plays Valeria, a woman who becomes pregnant after deliberately trying to achieve that result. We know this because we see one post-coital moment in which her partner (played by Alfonso Dosal) does what he can to help the chances of fertilization. Once pregnant, which happens quite early on, Valeria starts to experience some terrifying visions. Is someone coming after her? Is her baby going to be safe? And will reconnecting with an old flame (Octavia, played by Mayra Batalla) help to take her mind off her current predicament?

An impressive feature debut for director Michelle Garza Cervera, who also co-wrote the script with Abia Castillo, this is an intelligent horror movie that combines traditional scare moments with a growing sense of real darkness and pain. It also has some very impressive imagery throughout, mis-shapen bodies appearing here and there to create a nightmare that our lead cannot easily wake up from, and the third act clarifies the real point of the film, an oft-ignored truth that feels obvious as soon as the layers of obfuscating imagined horrors start to be peeled away. There are some tangents that I don’t think were needed, but nothing detracts too much from the forward momentum of the central narrative.

Solián is very good in the central role, put on edge by her inability to trust her own senses, and she reacts believably to the madness she starts to see creeping up on her. Both Dosal and Batalla also do good work, as do other cast members, but the film feels carried on the slim shoulders of Solián, and the strength she has belies her slight frame, as can often be the case with an anxious mother aiming to protect her child.

Huesera: The Bone Woman provides another example of what horror can do at its best. It tackles a complex and difficult subject, something that is rarely properly discussed in our society, and does so while building a growing sense of unease and dread, as well as some well-executed frights. Cervera is exceptionally talented as a director, and her name should now be on your radar if you’re interested in smart and effective horror.

8/10

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Polite Society (2023)

It's a very familiar tale. A woman is prepared for marriage to a seemingly-perfect suitor. Unfortunately, her younger sister isn't happy with this development, and sets out to find flaws in the character of the groom-to-be. If this was a standard rom-com then we would have the younger sister scheming with her friends to put a stop to the marriage, and we do get that. It's very much not a standard rom-com though. The sisters are two women who seem destined to avoid the life paths they view as being rigidly laid down for British Pakistani women, with the older (Lena) trying her hand at being an artist and the younger (Ria) desperately hoping to use her allotted upcoming work experience week to learn more from a movie stuntwoman, Eunice Huthart (a real stuntwoman who first came to the attention of the British public when she accomplished a victory on the TV show "Gladiators"). As tensions rise between the two sisters, Lena struggles to hold on to her ambition, despite working hard on her own stunt/fighting skills, and things take a very strange turn in the third act, when she stumbles upon something that takes the film towards a whole other genre.

Written and directed by Nida Manzoor (acclaimed for "We Are Lady Parts", a show I have yet to watch, and have now made a top priority), Polite Society is vibrant, funny, feminist, insightful, and a bloody great time at the cinema. Although it's not as much of a loony genre mash-up as Everything Everywhere All At Once, I can see why some have compared the two, thanks to the use of action and fantastical elements to underpin a tale that speaks most directly to a specific audience demographic (while also appealing broadly to everyone). This is what can happen when we let seemingly-familiar tales be told by those who haven't always had the same representation in art and media, and it feels like a win-win for those who make films and those who enjoy watching them.

Priya Kansara is a delight in the role of Ria, carrying around a self-confidence and strength that some others resent, and she delivers in the straight acting department as well as she delivers in the moments that require her to show off some fighting skills. Ritu Arya is equally enjoyable as the older sister, managing to be a character you always root for while also working so well with Kansara that the two absolutely feel like real sisters, during good times and bad. Serphina Beh and Ella Bruccoleri are a lot of fun as, respectively, Clara and Alba, two best friends of Ria, and Shona Babayemi is an entertainingly formidable presence in the role of a bully named Kovacs. Akshay Khanna is fine as the man who may well be whisking away Lena, Nimra Bucha is excellent in the role of his mother, and Shobu Kapoor and Jeff Mirza get to play the parents of our two leads without having to seem unwavering in their views or unsupportive of what their children think is best for themselves.

There's not much more I want to say about this, part of the joy comes from being so consistently pleasantly surprised by it, but just know that an opportunity to see the movie is an opportunity to have a big smile on your face for the entire runtime (and there's a scene involving a male changing room that made me laugh harder than most standard comedies I've seen in the past few years). Brilliant characters, a script full of choice dialogue, a great soundtrack, and an absolute crowd-pleaser of a third act all help make this a strong contender for one of the best films of the year.

9/10

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The Reef: Stalked (2022)

I remember The Reef, but only vaguely. It was another one of many killer shark movies that decided to try and make things more exciting by having the cast in the water with at least one real shark. Written and directed by Andrew Traucki, The Reef was one of those films that you watch once, enjoy or don't enjoy, and then never really think about rewatching. It managed to be just above average, it is out there in the world, job done. It certainly wasn't a film that I expected to see a sequel to over a decade after it was initially released. Yet here we are.

Traucki returns to the writing and directing duties, and seems to have a habit of waiting thirteen years in between his original films and any sequels that he helms (that same timespan lies between his Black Water and Black Water: Abyss). Unlike his killer croc movies, however, there's no improvement shown here, and nothing to really draw viewers in. Apart from the fact that there's a shark onscreen.

Nic (Teressa Liane), Jodie (Ann Truong), Lisa (Kate Lister), and Annie (Saskia Archer) are four friends who set out to enjoy a kayaking adventure around some gorgeous island waters when a pesky shark starts to view them as a potential snack. That's all you need to know. There's a prologue/framing device that attempts to add some more weight to everything, and one or two extra characters end up getting too close to the shark, but the only thing worth mentioning here is the shark. And maybe Truong, who is generally better onscreen than anyone else.

Not only is the extraneous material in The Reef: Stalked bad, it's quite an insultingly lazy way to try and create more emotional impact for the main section of the movie. It's an unnecessarily dark extra part of the film that will only serve to unsettle those who have been, or are, in that kind of situation. Which wouldn't seem so bad, because films can certainly tackle difficult and uncomfortable subject matter, if it wasn't just used as a cheap way to pad things out, in terms of both runtime and layering scenes with extra meaning. 

Nobody does well enough onscreen, Truong aside, to detract from the weakness of Traucki's script, although it's hard to think of what they could have done to overcome the material they had to work with, and there's a disappointing lack of any real tension when you start to see how the killer shark gets into the habit of biting into people and then letting them go, making you suspect that the characters would be more in danger if they accidentally stood on a deadly jellyfish.

Some of the shark footage is decent, that's all I'm going to say as a positive. I have no urge to be kind to Traucki, considering how ill-considered and clumsy the film is. It's lazy and thoughtless, at best, and insensitive and outright cruel, at worst. And it's also a slog, feeling as if it runs for much longer than the relatively brief runtime of just over 90 minutes.

At least it may be another 10+ years before Traucki tries to make another instalment in this film series.

3/10

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Prime Time: The Special (2020)

A decent film that could well have worked better as a short, which is something that can be said of many films (and is far from the worst criticism you can level at something), The Special is a cautionary tale that does everything it sets out to do in a perfectly serviceable manner, but starts to fall apart as soon as viewers get one step ahead of the main character. That happened for me by the start of the third act, but others may figure out where things are going as the very first main scene plays out.

Davy Raphaely plays Jerry, a man who has been rocked by the revelation that his wife (Sarah French) has cheated on him. Jerry’s friend, Mike (Dave Sheridan), takes him along to a brothel, encouraging him to try “the special”. The special doesn’t seem very special, basically being a wooden box/portable glory hole, but whatever happens to Jerry is good enough to blow . . . his mind. But the special is meant to be a one-time deal, which makes things very difficult for Jerry when he wants to experience it again. And we all know that trying to bend or break the rules is unlikely to lead to a happy ending (no pun intended).

Written by James Newman and Mark Steensland (the latter having gone on from this to the much better Jakob’s Wife), there’s enough done here to help this feel much better than other ways in which the concept could have been used. It could have been an excuse for a load of gratuitous gore and nudity, which I may not have necessarily complained about, but it’s more impressive to watch the film play out as a study of someone spiraling into a lust-based addiction, with very occasional moments of violence punctuating the proceedings at moments that feel like natural bridging points between three main acts.

Director B. Harrison Smith, who seems to currently be veering between horror movies and Christmas TV movies, does a good job of balancing the unpleasantness of the subject material with a surprisingly tasteful approach to it all. Some may yearn for something much nastier, and I wouldn’t have minded seeing this in the hands of someone like a Brian Yuzna or a Frank Henenlotter, but the end result ultimately feels like the right decisions were made. Nothing is left ambiguous, and viewers can imagine the more horrible implications not shown onscreen.

The cast do well, but nobody is giving a career-best turn here. Raphaely plays up the characteristics that show his addiction, Sheridan is there more to kickstart the main plot than to be a fully rounded person, and French is convincing enough, and adds some beauty to offset “the beast” that has taken over the mind of her husband. Doug Henderson, Susan Moses, and Paul Corman also work well in their roles, whether they know about the special or not, and it’s enjoyable to see how these people connect with, and affect, the life of our main character.

Perhaps low down the list if you are looking for the best horror movies from the last decade, but if you are looking for something removed from the mainstream, and if you are searching the dark and dangerous recesses of all that Amazon Prime Video have to offer, this isn’t too bad. It doesn’t have a bloated runtime, even if it could have worked better as a short, it isn’t left too rough around the edges, and it tries to do something a bit different. It’s not special, but it’s far from terrible.

6/10

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Renfield (2023)

I was eager to see Renfield as soon as the trailer for it dropped. Well, to be more accurate, I was eager to see Renfield as soon as I heard of Nicolas Cage being cast as Dracula. Seeing the on-set photographs, and THEN finally seeing the trailer, made this a film that I knew I couldn’t miss. I knew a lot of people who felt the same way, which then made me sad to see the reaction to it eventually start to cool. Perhaps it just hadn’t managed to fulfill the promise of that glorious potential.

Ah well, everyone disappointed by this is wrong (please note sarcasm, everyone is entitled to their own informed opinion). Renfield is as fantastic as you want it to be.

It’s the story of Renfield (Nicholas Hoult), as the title suggests. Tired of working tirelessly to protect and feed his vampiric master (Cage), Renfield starts to make plans to live a more free, and healthier, life. Dracula doesn’t want that, of course, and there’s an inevitable confrontation looming. There’s also a confrontation looming between a major crime family (headed up by Shohreh Aghdashloo, trying to keep her cocky son, played by Ben Schwartz, in check) and a police officer (Awkwafina) who ends up being helped massively by Renfield and his super-powers. Oh yeah, this Renfield can gain super-powers whenever he eats a bug or two.

The main draw here, for most people anyway, is Cage playing Dracula, and his performance is absolutely superb. Although this is a horror comedy, with a lot of the humour coming from wildly over the top gore, the leads generally play things straight, which is a winning approach. Cage is brilliantly riffing on classic portrayals of Dracula, adding some extra tetchiness as he maintains an increasingly-strained relationship with his young servant, and he always feels as dangerous as he should. Hoult is a standard lovable loser, he just happens to be burdened with a boss even worse than anyone that most of us have had to work for, and he acquits himself equally well in the action moments that allow him to tear people apart with his bare hands. Awkwafina also plays her part pretty straight, although she has a natural dry wit that works well as part of her character, and Aghdashaloo is a straightforward criminal matriarch. Schwartz is the main person allowed to play his part in line with most of his other comedic roles, but that feels fine for Schwartz, someone I like who maybe isn’t quite ready yet to stretch himself as much as some other actors. I also need to mention Brandon Scott Jones, a comedic highlight as the leader of a support group visited by Renfield, and special mention to the cast members playing the members of that group, every one of them doing their bit to add great comedy to their scenes.

Ryan Ridley gets the main script credit, helped by both Robert Kirkman and Ava Tramer, and the main thing he gets right is simply not fumbling the brilliant idea at the heart of the film - Renfield and Dracula viewed as two people caught in a very toxic relationship. There are amusing lines here and there, and the bloody set-pieces to enjoy, but most of the fun comes from dialogue for Renfield that has more literal meaning than anyone else suspects. Well, admittedly, the MOST fun is watching someone use a couple of severed limbs as a makeshift set of nunchucks, but the dialogue throughout is pretty great, full of smart and sly subversions of phrases we have heard used many times from people offering advice on different types of relationships.

Director Chris McKay continues his successful movie streak, and shows his skill for playing around with iconic figures (as he also did so brilliantly with The LEGO Batman Movie), and there’s some ideal universe where this film made a shedload of cash and already had a sequel greenlit. Every character gets a moment to shine, and that includes very minor characters, the perfect runtime helps the pacing, and everything makes sense in the context of the relative silliness of it all. 

While I can understand some people not enjoying this, and more fool them, I cannot understand anyone who enjoyed the trailer, and the concept of this cast telling this story, somehow not appreciating the final result. Even if they don’t love it as much as me.

9/10

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Mubi Monday: Wild (2016)

I, like many other people, have often looked at a pet and become jealous of their lifestyle. Seeing a cat or dog contentedly lazing around during the day, knowing they will always have food and water available for them when they want it, really hammers home how difficult we humans have made our own lives. I’ve never looked at a wolf and felt the urge to have sex with it though. That isn’t normally a statement I would make, but that literal animal attraction is at the heart of Wild.

Lilith Stangenberg plays Ania, a young woman who seems to be stuck in a rut. Her job, her personal life, even her housing situation, it all seems one step away from being a complete disaster. Her mental state changes one night when she makes eye contact with a wolf, a creature she then becomes more and more obsessed with. Wanting to catch, and possibly tame, the wolf, Ania comes up with a plan, and it may well help her to connect with her more animalistic side. That’s only a good thing if she can use it to her advantage though, but it soon becomes obvious that she’s just going to use it as a way to regress and pull away from others.

Written and directed by Nicolette Krebitz, Wild is an uncomfortable and intriguing viewing experience. Every scene that features the wolf feels more inherently dangerous, and watching the journey of the central character is sometimes painful and disturbing, with Krebitz somehow helping us to remember how the worsening behaviour stems from the desperation and loneliness of Ania.

Stangenberg gives a fantastic performance, particularly in the second half, when her character is less fearful of others around her, but also more desperate to attain whatever improved “final form” she thinks is within her grasp. Georg Friedrich also does well, whether his character is being shown as cool, understanding, or inappropriately reacting to someone in a very vulnerable state. One or two others also do well in supporting roles, including Saskia Rosendahl and Silke Bodenbender, but the film fully belongs to Stangenberg and the wolf.

Would I rush to recommend this to people? No. I don’t know how others would react to it, particularly in the one or two scenes that push the whole thing even further into taboo territory. But I do hope that others are intrigued enough to check it out for themselves, if they think they can stomach it. It’s dark, disturbing, smart, and brilliant. I just don’t want to get funny looks from people who are unprepared for the tone and content. 

Krebitz has a few other directorial features that I have yet to see. I will hope to get to them one day, and look forward to seeing what else she does. I know many will disagree, but this film marks her out as an impressively unique talent.

8/10

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Netflix And Chill: Traffic (2000)

Based on a TV series that I sadly never saw (yet), Traffic is another excellent ensemble film from Steven Soderbergh that allows him to play to his strengths aka his ability to marry the right cast to an intelligent script and present everything in a way that is both grounded and also cine-literate and full of memorable moments.

In case you couldn't guess from the title, Traffic is all about the drug trade, showing how it affects a number of key figures in both America and Mexico. Danger and death are never too far from people on the front line (played by the likes of Benicio Del Toro, Don Cheadle, and Luis Guzmán), getting a proper handle on the situation may prove too difficult for someone making moves politically (Michael Douglas), and those high up the "food chain" (such as characters played by Thomas Milian and Steven Bauer) might prove impossible to bring back down to within reaching distance of the not-so-long arms of the law.

Everyone I have just mentioned does a great job here, but the highlights are undoubtedly, for me, Del Toro, Douglas, and Catherine Zeta-Jones (playing the wife of a businessman arrested for drug dealing). Cheadle and Guzmán work brilliantly together, and they have a number of scenes with the brilliant Miguel Ferrer, who surprises nobody by turning up onscreen to spend some time being . . . brilliant. Erika Christensen has the job of showing how drugs can easily take hold of the kids, helped along by her unfortunate association with a young sleazebag played by Topher Grace. Some characters may figure more prominently than others, but everyone plays their part in showing the risks and rewards, and the outward ripple effect, of the drug supply chain.

Soderbergh has a savvy script by Stephen Gaghan to work with, and he treats it well. It may seem like an obvious gimmick to give the differing story strands a basic kind of colour coding, but it certainly helps to keep viewers orientated as we jump from one scenario to another, looking out for important developments and points of interconnection (not necessarily in the standard narratives or character moments, but more often in the methodology and the shaping of spiderwebbing plans).

Despite all of the positives on display here, Traffic could have easily failed if it had at any point started to feel like some piece of scaremongering or propaganda. Thanks to Gaghan and Soderbergh, it never does. There's one hard truth at the heart of this, and it's not one that everyone will appreciate. The war on drugs was never won, and probably never will be. A profitable drug economy is like a viral video of some majorly embarrassing incident. No matter how much people hope it will disappear, it's only going to spread and worm into the global consciousness of anyone who gets wind of it.

One or two scenes in the third act notwithstanding, bits of melodrama that feel unnecessary and a bit overdone, this is a strong contender for Soderbergh's finest film, and those brief moments aren't enough to stop it from being something I consider pretty perfect. I'd even say that it's a film vying for a very high position in the respective filmographies of every main cast member. Smart, thrilling, equal parts thought-provoking and entertaining, Traffic is a film that everyone should watch at least once. And I'm sure many will make time for repeat viewings.

10/10

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Bunker 717 AKA Deep Fear (2022)

Subterranean environments can provide a good setting for horror movies, and there have been many that have made good use of old wartime bunkers. Well, when I say that they have made good use of them, they have served as a reminder that some of those locations still exist, and their dark history can add to the atmosphere of a film. When it comes to the actual quality of the films themselves, that can vary wildly. Bunker 717 aka Deep Fear is a chiller with one or two decent moments throughout, but it ultimately fails to deliver the kind of atmosphere and tension that most genre fans will be hoping for.

Sofia Lesaffre plays Sonia, a young woman who decides to visit the Paris catacombs with two friends, Henry (Victor Meutelet) and Ramy (Joseph Olivennes). They don't just want to see the usual tourist areas though. They want to go towards the area that many don't usually see, the 717 Bunker. Meeting some others who are already down there, and who make it quite the lively and graffiti-tagged party central, it isn't long until everyone suspects that they have been put in a bit of danger. A couple of skinheads have targeted our lead trio, following them down into the bunker, but there's also something else down there that they all need to be wary of.

I was surprised to learn that this wasn't the feature debut for director Grégory Beghin. The same goes for writer Nicolas Tackian. While everything is competent enough, it suffers in a way that feels like it was crafted by people without experience. The writing and structuring of the script means that there's not much development (in tension, character, or major plot details), with a first act that puts everything in place far too quickly, leaving viewers to play a waiting game until the characters become aware of the threats facing them. Then you have the ridiculousness of the third act, which wouldn't be so bad if there were enough better moments to distract you from thinking about how ridiculous everything is. Although the pacing isn't too bad, it could do with being tweaked just a bit, which is something you could say about every main aspect of the film.

Lesaffre does pretty well in her lead role, but nobody else makes an impression. While Meutelet and Olivennes aren't bad, their characters aren't well-developed enough to stand out from the group when they meet the other underground explorers. I would name you other cast members, but that would imply that they managed to do better than Meuteley and Olivennes, and that isn't true. The film is basically Lesaffre being shown getting into trouble, and those around her being a disposable mass of potential victims.

I really wanted to like this, and spent a while swaying between this film and another new release that just landed on Shudder (Huesera: The Bone Woman). I think I made the wrong choice. While there's nothing that I would point to as absolutely awful, there's nothing here that's very good. At least the runtime is quite brief, clocking in at about 80 minutes, but you could spend that time in the company of many better viewing options.

4/10

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The Outwaters (2022)

I’m not sure I have the energy for this. Despite a multitude of films to choose from, I decided to give my time to The Outwaters towards the end of what was a pretty tough work week. I really shouldn’t have bothered, because what we have here is another insultingly murky and incoherent found footage horror movie from someone too lazy to give characters actual first names that differs from the actors portraying them.

A bunch of people go into the desert to do some stuff, aiming to shoot some video content, and things eventually go mad and bloody. That is the entire plot summary for The Outwaters, and I would genuinely implore most people to avoid it. 

Written and directed by Robbie Banfitch (who also stars as a character named, wait for it . . . Robbie), there’s a good idea in the middle of this film, but two things completely ruin that idea. First of all, the runtime is too long. It isn’t over two hours, which is a big plus, but it’s far longer than it should be. This barely has enough to fill 80 minutes, so clocking in at about 110 minutes feels unforgivably misjudged, especially with so much of the first half of the movie feeling like unnecessary filler. The second big criticism I have is the shooting style, with the image often presented in just one small part of the screen illuminated by torchlight. This has happened in many other found footage movies, but it doesn’t usually take up so much of the screentime.

There are a few good moments, intriguing glimpses of nastiness that hint at larger terrors just outside the frame, but they’re not good enough to make up for the rest of the film. The script is terrible, leaving viewers to watch the madness afflict a bunch of undeveloped characters that nobody cares about, the plotting feels too meandering and random (although I may have missed some details interspersed throughout the many badly-shot scenes that felt like an endurance test), and the whole thing ultimately feels unworthy of your time. I know some people have liked this, I just cannot figure out how they managed it, but I cannot imagine anyone thinking about this after the end credits, or enthusiastically picking it for a rewatch.

The easy way to sum this up, the lazy description, is to refer to it as an adult take on Skinamarink set in a desert. If you think that sounds great then fill your boots. If you cannot think of anything worse then do yourself a favour and immediately forget that this exists. Banfitch has made something, good for him, but I will be ready to praise him when he makes something that doesn’t feel so lazy and cynical.

3/10

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Lovers Lane (1999)

Considering I had never heard of Lovers Lane before deciding to give it a blind buy when it received a shiny new disc release, my expectations were understandably low. There aren’t any big names leading the proceedings (Anna Faris has a supporting role, and she is the most well-known cast member, as far as I can tell), the plot revolved around the idea of the hook-handed killer we have seen utilised in one or two decent horror movies already, and it looked like a very traditional approach to the sub-genre while other slasher movies were trying to find fresh ways to deliver the gory goods.

While I was unfamiliar with most of the people onscreen, I was equally unfamiliar with director Jon Steven Ward and writers Geof Miller and Rory Veal. Or so I thought. I had seen a couple of other films written by Miller, but nothing that you would present to people as a standout script.

Aside from Faris onscreen, Lovers Lane focuses on a couple of young main characters played by Riley Snith and Erin Dean, and I didn’t mind either of them. While maybe not shining stars, both are likeable enough for you to care when they start to look more likely to meet the business end of a sharp hook. There’s also a fun turn from Sarah Lancaster, being both beautiful and entertainingly ruthless, and the main adults who end up spending a night trying to catch a killer are played by Matt Riedy (a sheriff), Richard Sanders (a doctor), and Suzanne Bouchard (school principal). Every adult has a teen who could be in grave danger, of course, and the cast does okay with a very weak script.

I haven’t given any full plot description here, mainly because there’s no point. An opening sequence has some gratuitous gore and nudity to establish the killer with the hook, and we then move forward years later to watch a night when that same killer escapes his secure accommodation. But horny teens still want to be horny teens, which allows for a good selection of victims.

While this is clearly never bothering the titles at the top of the slasher movie tree, Lovers Lane tries to keep everything fun for the majority of the runtime. No other moments equal the strength of the opening, but the pacing isn’t too bad, the characters generally do enough to feel like individuals, and the finale throws in enough fun twists and lunacy as it shows that it isn’t just the very familiar tale you thought it was going to be.

There are things that could be better, of course. From the music to the gore gags, and one or two more major death scenes wouldn’t have gone amiss, but this is an above-average slasher that remains worth your time for at least one viewing. And if you think it is the worst example of this type of thing, feel free to ask me about the ones that you should really continue to avoid at all costs.

6/10

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