Shudder Saturday: Dario Argento: Panico (2023)

Although I like to watch them, I am never eager to review documentaries. It's rare to have much to say about them, especially when they often use very similar ways to convey information to viewers. Summarising a documentary is often just summarising the subject itself, but sometimes that subject is worth making others aware of. I'm not sure that can be said of Dario Argento.

Don't get me wrong. Argento remains a big name in the horror genre, a man responsible for some past glories that stand up as outright classics, but even some of his more generous fans would have to admit that it's been at least two decades since he showed anything like the kind of directorial talent and flair that made his reputation. Some argue that Dark Glasses showed some promise, a minor return to form, but I strongly disagree.

That's what puzzles me about this documentary. Who will get the most out of it, and why now? Argento isn't on some major upswing, which takes the documentary itself to an inevitably downbeat and depressing final act, and the fact that he keeps trying (the tenacity is admirable, to be fair) means that there's no definitive end point that can be used to bookend his film career. He may yet make another movie, or he may not, but nothing is known at this time, which gives the documentary a hugely anti-climactic feeling.

Director Simone Scafidi obviously thinks that this story is worth telling, and there's plenty of time dedicated to the complex relationship that Argento has with women (both offscreen and on), including some of the frank and raw speech you would expect from his daughter, Asia, but it doesn't get close enough to the bottom of a very murky pool. And then, after touching on topics that you know are interesting enough to require some more exploration, Scafidi and co. pull back, returning to the relative safety of Gaspar Noé, Nicolas Winding Refn, and Guillermo del Toro offering up their praise to someone they revere.

Although it may not seem like it from my words here, I am a huge fan of Argento, up to a certain point. He deserves a LOT of love and respect for the contributions he has made to giallo, and to the horror genre overall. At least two of his films are gold-plated classics. Which is why I was all the more frustrated by this documentary. I don't think it worked as intended, with the unimaginative construction and soundbites coalescing into something that rarely reminds you of the greatness of Argento's talent. You could make one feature alone by simply juxtaposing moments from Suspiria with many films and scenes it has influenced, but even that atmospheric classic feels as if it is given relatively short shrift here.

There is potential for a great documentary to be made about the life and works of Argento. This doesn't come close. Those present keep serving as a reminder of the many people not included, the film clips are assembled with very little thought or care (in my eyes anyway), and the end result is a huge wasted opportunity.

3/10

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Shudder Saturday: Dark Glasses (2022)

Ilenia Pastorelli stars as Diana, an Italian escort who ends up losing her sight when she is attacked by a serial killer. She then meets Rita (Asia Argento), someone aiming to help her adjust to her life without sight, and enlists the help of a small child, Chin (Andrea Zhang), to be her eyes for her. The killer wants to finish what they started though, and it seems inevitable that Diana will lose more than her sight.

When this movie was first announced, horror fans were excited. Dario Argento, a once-great master of cinema, was seemingly returning to the giallo style of movie that had so often given us his best work. Hopes were high that this could banish the memory of the last film he directed a decade ago, the abysmal Dracula 3D. I even started to hear positive reviews from people who saw this at festival screenings. 

Those people lied!

Okay, admittedly, some will just like this more than others, and it is much better than his Dracula movie. But that is like saying cholera is better than the plague. The world would be better off without either. And maybe it is time for Argento to hang up his hat. We all have to accept that he’s probably not going to deliver another classic that would make a perfect end to his directorial career (although his involvement in the powerful and heart-breaking Vortex show that he could maybe collaborate with others in a way that would be beneficial to everyone).

Dark Glasses feels like on of those scripts you sometimes see created by AI. Everything is present and correct, in terms of the tropes that Argento has worked with throughout his career, but nothing feels quite right. Events unfold, but don’t always feel naturally connected to one another. There are occasional bursts of violence, but they feel unimpressive and lacking in any energy. It is, overall, impossible to care about anything, or anyone, in the film.

Pastorelli and Zhang have some good moments together, Asia Argento gives a performance that actually works well (a pleasant surprise), and there is supporting work from Andrea Gherpelli and Mario Pirrello, as well as one or two others, that adds to the potential for a lot of fun. Sadly, that potential is never realised.

It all boils down to the fact that Argento seems to have lost his way, forgotten how he made moments of cinema that were so impactful, that made such an indelible impression on so many viewers. There is no point in criticising the script, co-written by Argento and Franco Ferrini, because these movies aren’t usually focused on the writing. The technical side of things (including the score by Arnaud Rebotini) is all competent. But competent is not what you expect, or want, from Dario Argento. 

I didn’t expect this to be on the same level as his best work, that would be a tall order indeed, but I was hoping to see one or two scenes that contained flashes of brilliance, breadcrumbs rewarding those who keep hoping that an immense talent hasn’t entirely disappeared. There was nothing here. You could even say that something so lacklustre MIGHT make you admire the craziness of his Dracula movie a bit more. I won’t ever say that, but you could.

3/10

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Mubi Monday: Boarding Gate (2007)

I tend to, overall, enjoy the films of Olivier Assayas, but I know that he creates interesting and challenging art. If I dislike something that he makes then I may end up REALLY disliking it. Boarding Gate is one of his films that I really disliked, yet there's still enough here to have made me feel it was worthwhile. It's just a shame that he made such a major mistake in casting the central figure here. Asia Argento, probably not through any fault of her own, is generally not a very good actress. She can be fine in the right roles, but I think that being praised for years by her father, who would often place her in a variety of twisted and disturbing scenarios, has given her a false impression of her own level of talent, which is sadly very low.

Argento plays a woman named Sandra here, and Sandra has spent years helping out various people by using her sexuality to gain information, confidence, and time. Her main "employer" was a man named Miles Rennberg (Michael Madsen), but she now seems to be focused on developing relationships with Lester (Carl Ng) and Sue Wang (Kelly Lin). What unfolds is a tale of treachery, attempted shady business deals, and Sandra moving further and further into dangerous waters.

Although it's sometimes an interesting study of people using one another in different ways, and Assayas also uses the main premise to show business conducted by people who are happy to see others literally fucked over, Boarding Gate just doesn't make anything interesting enough in the scenes that fall in between moments of Argento being sexy (for those who find her sexy . . . I'm not in that group, unfortunately). The low-key approach to the material keeps the characters, and the potential divide between their words and actions, in front of anything else, which would be fine if those characters were as interesting as Assayas seems to think they are.

Aside from the weak Argento in the main role, you also get disappointment from Madsen, apparent disinterest from Ng, and nobody else to watch with interest. Almost nobody. Thankfully, Lin is excellent in her role, and it's a shame that her character wasn't developed to figure much more prominently in the way that events play out. She gets more to do in the second half, but I would have preferred the movie to be about her life, what information she has and what she chooses to do with it, rather than all about Argento's character.

Look, if you like Argento (and I know many people do) then you may enjoy this film a fair bit more than I did. You might also enjoy the performance from Madsen more than I did. So you should give this a watch, especially if you're a fan of other Assayas movies. I find it to be one of his worst, and I'd warn most people to stay far away from it.

3/10

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xXx (2002)

Do you ever think you're cool? Have you ever played skateboard or snowboard games on a console and imagined living that lifestyle? Ever had daydreams that have you helping to save the world while also sticking it to the man?

Well just stop. You're not cool. Even if you're sometimes a little bit cool, by accident or design, then you need to remember that you'll never be as cool as Xander Cage, the cooler-than-cool main character in xXx.

Cage (Vin Diesel) is a man who spends his time performing EXTREME stunts that make him quite the rock star to his many fans. But it also gets him noticed by Agent Augustus Gibbons (Samuel L. Jackson), a man trying to convince his colleagues at the NSA that they need to start using a new type of secret agent for new types of criminals. And that's how Cage ends up dropped into another country and directed to get information on a major villain named Yorgi (Marton Csokas), which may give him an excuse to drive fast cars, pose in mid-air during jumps on a motorbike, skate down rails on a silver tray as he avoids sniper bullets, paraglide around, and cause an avalanche to give him an upper hand while he snowboards towards a big group of henchmen.

All of the above happens in xXx and I don't think listing them here would count as anything spoilery. This is a film made up of scenes built around moments they sold in the trailer. Well, those scenes and Vin Diesel's gravelly voice and attitude.

Writer Rich Wilkes seems to throw in everything that might work for the cool kids in the 21st century, and it works better than it should because of the way in which it's the whole lifestyle of the main character.

Director Rob Cohen handles the material competently enough. The most fun is to be had in the first third - a "training exercise" before the main mission - but the 2-hour runtime never drags, thanks to the spacing of the set-pieces and the mounting ridiculousness as everyone involved wants to prove how much they can deliver the goods while being a deliberate anti-Bond. If something can explode then it can explode BIG, if the soundtrack can fit a bit of nu-metal into a scene then it will (not enough to be grating, but it keeps popping up), and everything revolves around the fact that Vin Diesel is the smartest, strongest man for the job.

Diesel does well enough in his role, with a lot of thanks due to the stunt team here too (sadly, one of the main stunt players, Harry O'Connor, died - a sobering reminder of the efforts made by the people we so often don't see acknowledged enough), Csokas is enjoyable enough as the generic baddie with an accent, Jackson does his thing, and Asia Argento catches Diesel's eye and gets to act tough before the script lets her down by making her little more than a wide-eyed female onlooker during the main stunts that occur during the grand finale.

It's not a film that transforms the action genre but it's one that tries hard throughout most of the main sequences to entertain and provide something not already seen a hundred times before. While not entirely successful, and some of the moments clang like a dropped anvil, it's a fun slice of dumb.

6/10.

Get yourself a double-bill here.
Americans can get a nice disc here.

The Church (1989)

Directed by Michele Soavi, The Church is, allegedly, an official sequel to the Demons movies. I'm not sure who decided that, considering that it bears very little resemblance to those other films, beyond the superficial similarities (e.g. some people in a building, and some demons causing problems).

The plot is much more reminiscent of Prince Of Darkness, dealing with a group of people in a church who are unfortunate enough to witness something truly evil arising. Perhaps. There's a priest (Hugh Quarshie) who might be able to help good triumph over any demonic attack, a couple of scholarly, but not old and dull, folks (Tomas Arana and Barbara Cupisti) who might also be able to help, if they're not too busy making eyes at one another and putting themselves in potential danger, and there's a young girl (Asia Argento) who knows a secret way in and out of the church that might just prove useful at some point.

The strangest thing about The Church is that it feels so dull, despite the fact that so much wonderful imagery is thrown around in the second half of the movie. There's a decent amount of gore, some real nastiness, and an air of sleaziness that fans of Italian horror should enjoy. This is the sort of movie in which you can feel the clammy presence oozing from every dark crevice of the featured building while also feeling the hot, uncomfortable looks that certain characters give to others as they come under the influence of evil.

Quarshie is pretty solid in his role, while Arana and Cupisti both make for decent potential leads until they're somewhat sidelined in the third act. Argento doesn't have to stretch herself, and is just fine, while genre fave Giovanni Lombardo Radice also joins in with the fun, accompanied by Feodor Chaliapin Jr, Antonella Vitale and Robert Caruso, among others.

Soavi's direction is as fluid and stylish as usual, and the screenplay (by Dario Argento, Franco Ferrini, and Soavi, as well as a few other helpers) tries to set everything up seriously, but makes the whole thing just that little bit absurd. The opening sequence alone feels like an outtake from Monty Python And The Holy Grail, and that's before you get to the scenes that show people talking about the history of the church and what discoveries might be made there AKA the laughably clumsy exposition moments.

But there's gore, death, lust, a score that uses Goblin, Philip Glass, Keith Emerson and Fabio Pignatelli, and some memorable imagery. Which is often all you need from these movies.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Church-Hugh-Quarshie/dp/B000TZJCMS/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1411850939&sr=1-1&keywords=the+church

Dario Argento's Dracula AKA Dracula 3D (2012)

It's almost becoming too easy nowadays to criticise the recent movies directed by Dario Argento, but when the man who was such a master of his craft starts to churn out rubbish as bad as this . . . . . . . . well, I think all of that criticism is well and truly justified.

Because, make no mistake about it, Dario Argento's Dracula (AKA Dracula 3D) is a terrible movie in almost every department. It's so inept at times that you start to wonder whether or not Mr. Argento is having a laugh at our expense.

Everyone knows the story by now, and if you don't then it's up to you to quickly get up to speed, so I won't include too many details here. There are differences, such as the film taking place almost exclusively in Transylvania, but the main characters remain the same. Thomas Kretschmann plays the big man, Rutger Hauer comes along as Van Helsing just in time for the finale, Marta Gastini is a pleasant enough Mina Harker, Asia Argento is Lucy, and Maria Cristina Heller is a sexy vamp for most of the runtime. Let's not mention Unax Ugalde as Jonathan Harker because, well, it's just too painful for me to remember his performance.

The script, written by four people including Argento himself, is a muddled mess, with the recognisable central story strand, and one or two famous moments, surrounded by scenes that range from the ridiculous to the gratuitous, with the latter at least providing SOME entertainment value.

The direction makes it seem as if Argento considered not having his name in the credits at one point. There are a few nice flourishes here and there, admittedly, but from the opening sequence - in which the camera flies through a poorly rendered CGI village - to the anticlimactic finale, this is clumsy stuff, not helped in the slightest by some of the shoddiest editing I've seen in a long, long time.

I've already mentioned some of the performances, but let me just say that Hauer is great and Kretschmann looks like he could have done better with the role if it had been better written and placed in a competent movie. Asia Argento is, as usual, godawful, Gastini is okay, and Heller shows that she's very proud of her breasts. And good for her. And did I mention that I don't want to mention Unax Ugalde as Jonathan Harker?

If you want to be cruel to yourself then watch this immediately. The special effects alone will have you reaching for the nearest spoon with which to scoop out your eyeballs. A few moments featuring different insects made me think, once more, that this whole thing might just be Argento playing a joke on us. Viewed in the right frame of mind, some people may find this funnier than Dracula: Dead And Loving It.

It's not as if the source material doesn't provide some great stuff to develop, for goodness sake. In fact, the strength of that source material is the reason that the film isn't quite a COMPLETE disaster. One or two moments still manage to remain effective, despite the best efforts of Argento and co. to totally screw up everything.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/Argentos-Dracula-Blu-ray-Hutger-Hauer/dp/B00FUABHVQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391035115&sr=8-1&keywords=dario+argento%27s+dracula

See what I endure? Which is why I also pimp out my book, because every copy of my book sold gets a few pounds in my pocket, and gets you a good read (if I say so myself).

The UK version can be bought here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/TJs-Ramshackle-Movie-Guide-Reviews-ebook/dp/B00J9PLT6Q/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1395945647&sr=1-3&keywords=movie+guide

And American folks can buy it here - http://www.amazon.com/TJs-Ramshackle-Movie-Guide-Reviews-ebook/dp/B00J9PLT6Q/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395945752&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=TJs+ramshackle+mov

As much as I love the rest of the world, I can't keep up with all of the different links in different territories, but trust me when I say that it should be there on your local Amazon.

Demons 2 (1986)

For anyone who'd like to read my review of Demons first . . . . . . . . here it is. Demons 2 is a lot of fun. It's not as much fun as Demons, and it's not an accomplished movie in many ways, but fans of the first film will have a lot of fun here.

The plot, what little there is of it, sees a bunch of people in an apartment block scared to death when the place is infested by demons. It really puts a dampener on the birthday party being thrown for Sally (Coralina Cataldi Tassoni) and provides an unexpected extra workout for the folk who are in the gymnasium based on a lower ground floor (motivated by the great Bobby Rhodes).

With plenty of extra, vulnerable people to watch out for in this instalment - a pregnant woman, a child - it's clear that this movie wants to up the nastiness of the first movie. But it simply can't. The first movie was such a great premise, and had such a great selection of characters, that this sequel fights a losing battle every time it tries to provide something that's "the same, but different."

Director Lamberto Bava (who wrote the script with the same collaborators who helped him write the first movie - Dario Argento, Franco Ferrini and Dardano Sacchetti) does great with his mix of style and sleaze. The movie may seem a bit slow to start, but the first time a demon enters the apartment building via a TV screen is a highlight of the movie, and a moment I remember from seeing the trailer years ago. A trailer that made this movie a must-see. From then on, things step up a gear. Blood is spilt, mutations occur and there's an absolutely bonkers scene that tries hard to wring tension out of a woman fighting a slimy demon muppet creature. It's a shame that we spend more time outwith the main building for no discernible reason, but I'm sure they were just trying to break up the main set-pieces and stretch out the budget. Perhaps.

The acting isn't great, but everyone involved is happy enough to get caught up in the demon infestation so that's really all that counts. Tassoni is particularly poor in her early scenes, I'm afraid, but David Knight and Nancy Brilli are better, with the latter playing the pregnant woman who is one of the most vulnerable during the demonic invasion. I already mentioned the great Bobby Rhodes being great, and there's also a very young Asia Argento acting scared as chaos and death surround her.

With a number of cast members returning from the first movie, another great '80s soundtrack and impressive gore effects during the scenes in which people transform into demons, this is an easy film for fans of the first movie to enjoy. It's definitely a return trip to a well that didn't hold much water in the first place.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Demons-Steelbook-Limited-Edition-Blu-ray/dp/B007H9OORW/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1380801480&sr=8-4&keywords=demons+2