Shudder Saturday: Darklands (1996)

It's pure coincidence that I have watched two films by director Julian Richards this week, but I can tell you with great confidence that neither of them are his best. Maybe one day I will revisit The Last Horror Movie and give him some positive words here, but I'm not going to bump it up the long list of viewing choices after suffering through this.

Darklands is bad. It's very bad. It's the sort of film that is so bad that you wonder who they convinced to offer up some flattering quotes for the marketing materials. I am going to assume that the person who said this was "Rosemary's Baby meets The Wicker Man" had their words taken out of context, because this comes nowhere near to the chills and greatness of those two genre behemoths.

Craig Fairbrass plays a newspaper reporter named Frazer Truick, the kind of guy who won't let a story go once he has the smallest bit of it between his teeth, even if the end result could land him in hot water. He ends up meeting Rachel Morris (Rowena King), a young woman who gets to spend some time with him while he's working on his latest story. The pair soon get a bit closer, but Truick then starts to realise that the story he's working on is one part of a much bigger picture. And he might be right in the middle of it.

Co-written by Richards and David Mitchell, I will try to be kind and say that Darklands has one or two moments in which it feels like it is trying to break out of the confines of low-budget British horror. It never stops feeling like exactly what it is though, a debut film lucky enough to land a decent star name it doesn't know how to use, and I will offer a small cash reward to anyone who can manage to watch this and keep caring about the plot for more than half the runtime.* There aren't any decent set-pieces, sadly, and that leaves you watching a film that feels made up of the lesser, non-scary, storylines from a story written by someone like James Herbert or Shaun Hutson. The fact that I enjoy both of those authors means that I didn't ever completely hate this, but it came very close at times.

There are a few other key players in the cast, mainly Jon Finch trying to use his limited screentime to overcome the poor script he has to work with, but it's only Fairbrass and King who feel like they're close to being characters worth spending time with. They're not well-developed, both being a walking mess of tropes and cliches, but they gamely power through the film, and it's always good to see Fairbrass try to do something that doesn't have him pigeonholed as someone ready to carry a film like Rise Of The Footsoldier 16: Ahm The Fackin' Drug Daddy Nah (I've tried to write that phonetically to make my point). Fairbrass feels like a good fit for the role, deserving of some better writing, while King feels far too good for her part, especially by the time annoying twists and turns start to come along in the second half.

This isn't one to waste your time with, especially when every aspect of it can be found in much better movies. Just ask me when you're in the mood for certain elements, be it some folk horror, a crime investigation tale, or some dangerous cult plans, and I'll point you towards one or two choices that you will enjoy more.

*I won't, but you will have earned my bemused and begrudged admiration.

3/10

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Netflix And Chill: Avengement (2019)

There are many films you could choose if you want to watch action star Scott Adkins kick people in the face. It's basically what he does best. I'd struggle to think of a film that is both as entertaining and brutal as Avengement though, which now holds the record for making me wince the most times in a 90-minute period.

Adkins is Cain Burgess, a man who has escaped from prison to settle a score against his brother (Craig Fairbrass) and the thugs who work for him. Cain is quite the sight to behold, his face covered in scars and his mouth full of metal dentures. He's been in prison for quite some time, and almost every day has seen him fighting for his life. Just what he did to end up there, and why he has had a big target on his back, is part of the backstory that we get when Cain locks himself in a pub with a group of men who work for his brother.

Directed by Jesse V. Johnson, who also helped to co-write the screenplay with Stu Small (a working relationship that has delivered a a good handful of other worthwhile Adkins movies), there's no better word to describe Avengement than savage. It's also bloody well put together, giving the main character a decent enough framework for a number of impressive set-pieces. Although it's often very grim, there's enough humour laced throughout to keep reminding viewers that it IS a piece of action entertainment.

Always ready to do whatever it takes in order to survive, Adkins is often animalistic in the lead role. The heavy scarring and change to his usual physical appearance, accompanied by a mood of absolutely no fucks given, have him making people nervous before he even throws a punch or a kick, and Adkins has fun in the role, revelling in playing someone so antagonistic and spoiling for the inevitable fights coming his way. Fairbrass is good in his role, playing someone who casts a long shadow over the film even when he's not onscreen. It's not really out of his comfort zone, but it's a good bit of casting. You also get Nick Moran, still ready to give attitude and plenty of chatter, even when it probably won't be good for his health, and there's a fun, nervy, turn from Thomas Turgoose, as well as Kierston Wareing's brassy barmaid who wouldn't look out of place working behind the bar of The Queen Vic. Mark Strange and Leo Gregory are also caught up in the violence, as are a number of actors who excel at portraying characters who could easily be named something like "tough nut #2".

In case you hadn't realised already, this is not for the faint-hearted. While the fights are largely a collection of the usual moves, there are some bursts of violence here that rank as some of the gnarliest I have ever seen, including an eye-watering, and graphic, riff on the horrendous curb sandwich. 

I'll finish with this warning, although it may be too late for many of you. If you like the sound of Avengement then try to see it before seeing the trailer, which reveals far too much. Okay, you don't choose a Scott Adkins vehicle for complex plotting and emotional nuance, but this certainly does a better job than most in creating just the right motivation for the main character, and delivering one of the scariest potential antiheroes in a long time.

8/10

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Muscle (2019)

He might not have been getting the love and praise that some of his peers receive, but writer-director Gerard Johnson has been doing some truly outstanding work over the past two decades. His debut feature, Tony, is a hell of a film that you could easily double-bill with Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer if you want an Anglo-American pairing of films about killers that will make you want to bathe in bleach once they're finished. He then waited five years to deliver the astonishing, and all-too-often sorely overlooked, Hyena. It's been another five years. And Muscle is worth the wait. Although I'd prefer to not have to wait ANOTHER five years for the next Johnson movie.

Cavan Clerkin plays Simon, a guy with a depressing phone job, a relationship with his girlfriend that he doesn't realise is going very sour, and no real idea of how to turn his life around. He joins a local gym, and that is where he meets Terry (Craig Fairbrass). After some initial exchanges that have him doubting his decision, Simon eventually agrees to let Terry train him. The two grow close, seeming to become firm friends, and then Terry needs a place to stay, the training becomes more intense, and tempers rise as a potential dream looks set to transform into a nightmare.

Johnson has, in every one of his three feature films, explored various aspects of toxic masculinity (embodied by a secondary character in Tony, then intertwined with a culture steeped in violence and high pressure in Hyena), and Muscle has it brazenly front and centre for most of the runtime. It almost feels, at this point, like the culmination of his film-making obsession, and it makes the film an incredible, and incredibly uncomfortable, watch.

The gym environment is, of course, a perfect setting for exploring this subject. Simon doesn't head along to any big, shiny, national chain. He finds a small gym that seems to be populated only by men, making himself more nervous and applying more pressure before he's even started to train properly. Any gym is an intimidating space. One full of burly men who know what they're doing, where Craig Fairbrass can suddenly loom over you and check your form . . . well, that is already the idea of hell for some people.

Johnson directs with his usual confidence, infusing the scenes with a high energy when necessary and happy to hold the camera on the actors being still when that is equally necessary. The whole film has a palpable sense of violence just simmering under the surface, although you end up seeing more content tied to sexual acts than outright violence, and Johnson moves perfectly from one level of unease to the next, all the way up to a third act that pulls out the stops.

It helps that the main actors here are unafraid to go wherever the story takes them. Clerkin is superb, and absolutely transforms himself after the opening few scenes. Lorraine Burroughs is very good as Crystal, a woman who also ends up in Simon's life after Terry brings more and more shady people into Simon's life and home. Then you have Fairbrass, a man probably still best known to many people either for his main TV roles and his ongoing appearances in many British gangster flicks (half of them seemingly revolving around "the Range Rover murders" of 1995). To say that his turn here is revelatory is not hyperbole. It's the best performance I have seen from him, and he knows exactly how to play things in every scene, whether he's being aggressive or acting vulnerable. There's also a small role for Peter Ferdinando, a regular collaborator with Johnson, and you have solid supporting turns from Polly Maberly, Mark Stobbart, and one or two others.

Muscle may not be QUITE as good as Johnson's previous two features, but that is almost as much to do with how good those films are as it is to do with any small negatives here (mainly some moments in the third act that become a little frustrating as some details are kept hidden away from viewers). Much like Hyena, there's a lot to unpack here as the end credits roll, and rewatches may even lead to you changing your mind on the meaning of the film. I view that as a mark of success.

8/10

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L - R: Peter Ferdinando, me, Gerard Johnson, and . . . a super-lovely colleague/friend of Johnson whose name I have gone blank on, and can only apologise. Pic taken when Hyena was shown at EIFF.

Saving Santa (2013)

Christmas movies are pretty easy to make, as are family movies. Well, that's what ABC and other channels, churning out numerous TV movies every year, would have you believe. And, in a way, they're right. Both require some kind of sweetness, a moral lesson to be learned (usually), and an environment for the main characters that is distinctly . . . . . . . . . . . movieland. The former also requires snow.

But making a GOOD Christmas and/or family movie, that's something different altogether.

Saving Santa is almost good, but it doesn't quite do enough to warrant any repeat viewings. It's the story of an elf named Bernard (voiced by Martin Freeman). Bernard likes to invent things, and always rushes to present his latest inventions to his peers, in the hopes of becoming more than just the elf responsible for clearing up the reindeer droppings. Unfortunately, there always seems to be some malfunction. This time around, the malfunction temporarily disables the cloaking of the North Pole base. It's not visible for long, but it's long enough for Neville Baddington (Tim Curry) to see it and make his move. He wants to get Santa and find out his secrets. He wants to know how he can make all of his deliveries in one night, so that he can use the same tactic to make his delivery company the fastest ever. The answer, as Santa shows Bernard during the calm before the storm, is time travel. Knowing the secret, Bernard decides to go back in time to stop everything going wrong. And that's when things start to get a bit complicated.

Although it's animated nicely enough, and the second half improves things greatly after a mediocre opening, there's just nothing here to make Saving Santa stand out. Freeman is fine in the lead vocal role, and Curry is great as the villain, but the support from Joan Collins, Ashley Tisdale and Tim Conway is as bland as the rest of the movie. Noel Clarke is fun, as the leader of a defence squad, but he's not in the movie for all that long, sadly.

The direction by Leon Joosen and Aaron Seelman is serviceable, I suppose, with the script by Ricky Roxburgh (based on a story by Tony Nottage) never rising too far above average. The time travel stuff starts to get more and more entertaining, and it's quite cleverly done, but the dialogue disappoints and none of the supporting characters, with the exception of reindeer Blitzen, make much of an impression.

And let's not mention the truly awful songs that punctuate proceedings every now and again. It's enough to make you want to stuff plum pudding in your ears. There are much worse movies to watch if you have undemanding children wanting to watch something new, but it's certainly worth trying to convince them that they should just rewatch the delightful Arthur Christmas instead.

5/10

http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Santa-Martin-Freeman/dp/B00GFUB21U/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1385982579&sr=8-1&keywords=saving+santa

Devil's Playground (2010)

Director Mark McQueen and writer Bart Ruspoli are the men responsible for this British zombie horror movie and it's a shame that they take a few decent moments and ground them in a movie that's just far too derivative and silly to please many fans. The first hurdle it has is the cast (I am possibly the one person I know who likes watching Danny Dyer onscreen), the second hurdle is the familiarity with all of the material and the third, and biggest, hurdle is that this movie features zombies doing parkour. Oh yes, you read that correctly. Freerunning zombies, that's the fresh approach that this film tries to take with the material. Needless to say, it's a stinker of an idea that translates into a number of risible moments within the film.

So, the plot is as follows: Lots of people have been undergoing medical trials for a new wonderdrug and when things go wrong they go REALLY wrong. Everyone is affected badly, all but one - a woman (Angela, played by MyAnna Buring) who the folks in charge now want to get a hold of, what with her possibly possessing some kind of cure that could stop a major epidemic and all that. Craig Fairbrass plays Cole, a man who is used to being given the jobs that need to be done but don't ever need to be admitted to, and he is the one sent to find Angela. Meanwhile, Danny Dyer plays Joe, a cop who used to go out with Angela but had to put the relationship on hold when he went and stupidly shot some kid by accident. These people may be able to help each other survive while crowds of bitey bitey freerunners run amock but they will have to overcome many various difficulties - locations, emotional issues, threats from other people wanting to survive - on the way.

There's very little I can say right now that will win you over if you already think that you're going to dislike this film. Because, let's be honest, you're probably going to dislike this film. The acting is so-so from all involved (as much as I like the lad, Dyer gives an especially poor performance here but Fairbrass is good at what he does and Buring is watchable) while the script is nothing more than a 90 minute game of "spot the reference", be it from 28 Days Later... or the Resident Evil movies or anthing else that has come along since. There's not one original idea here except for the freerunning, and whoever thought of that should be taken to the nearest, large town square available and publically flogged.

There are a few good SFX moments here and there showing the infection taking hold and there are a couple, though not enough, of good gore moments. The rest of the cast at least features people such as Colin Salmon, Jaime Murray, Sean Pertwee, Shane Taylor and Craig Conway so there are a number of familiar faces to support the leads but it's not enough to save the film.

Dear British filmmakers, please note that in any future scripts you may want to develop the word "zombie" should never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER be preceded by the word "freerunning". Thanks.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Devils-Playground-DVD-Danny-Dyer/dp/B003B3SQ68