Dashing Through The Snow (2023)

A film in which Ludacris plays someone named Chris Kringle, obviously. Oh no, wait, he plays someone named Chris Bridges. No. No, no, no, that is also wrong. Chris “Ludacris” Bridges plays Eddie Garrick. That is how I wanted to start this review. It would seem, from his billing here, that Ludacris may be wanting to creep towards having a name that is a bit less, well, ludicrous. Which is all well and good, and understandable, but I am still going to refer to him as Ludacris for the rest of this review. It’s just much easier, it’s advantageous for him, and we will wait and see if he eventually drops the moniker completely.

So, to summarize, Eddie Garrick is a man who doesn’t really believe in the magic of Christmas. He tries his best to help others who might be struggling with the season though, using his skills as a social worker to help defuse any situation when someone is going through a crisis. Picking up his daughter for a Christmas Eve visit, Eddie then ends up encountering an individual who claims to be Santa. Whether or not he is, he is in trouble, having accidentally picked up an iPad that belongs to some bad people while misplacing his own (which has Santa’s list on it - tech changes, but the Santa basic’s don’t).

Written by Scott Rosenberg and directed by Tim Story, this is a film not lacking in talent behind the camera. Both of those men have been involved with some enjoyable blockbuster movies. They are tasked here with delivering not just a Christmas movie, but a Disney Christmas movie. This is fairly obvious and unsophisticated fare, mixing in some father-daughter bonding, a Santa who never feels like he might not be Santa, and the kind of inept criminals who would be outsmarted by a small child in the later Home Alone sequels.

Ludacris is fine in the main role, being as grumpy and cynical as he needs to be up until the inevitable turning point. Madison Skye Validum is also very good, playing the daughter who easily accepts the potential for magic and might help her dad see things a bit differently. She’s unfazed by the events unfolding around her, happy to be on such a crazy adventure with her dad. As for the Santa figure, that’s Lil Rel Howery in the red suit, and he’s a lot of fun in the role, being as jolly and carefree as expected, yet also slightly manipulative while helping teach someone a lesson. Teyonnah Parris is stuck in a very minor supporting role, Oscar Nuñez is the brains behind the criminal shenanigans for the evening, and there are one or two other familiar faces in the cast (including Mary Lynn Rajskub).

Although obviously a family film, this often feels like it  is trying to appeal to younger kids ahead of anyone else. That’s fine, especially in the scenes that work well (and most children will be very pleased by a finale that brings in a fun “cavalry” to help our main characters), but it’s clear sometimes that the film holds back from being as creative or silly as it could have been. Someone wanted this to “skew young”, but not at the same corner of more general appeal. Which makes it slightly less satisfying, because it feels like two tonally different films forced together like a couple of jigsaw pieces showing different parts of the same picture. You could say, mayyyyyybe, that it would have benefited from being a bit more ludicrous, ironically enough.

5/10

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Fast X (2023)

I have mentioned it many times before, but I have a strange relationship with the Fast & Furious franchise. I was never a fan, but they became so ubiquitous that I eventually gave in and started to enjoy them. When things for more preposterous, I became less impressed. Then things got even MORE preposterous and I was won around again. I didn’t love the eighth instalment in the main series, but I really liked the ninth, so I wasn’t sure where I would land on this outing.

I hated it.

Linking back to the end of the fifth film, the plot concerns a villain named Dante (Jason Momoa). Dante is out to avenge the death of his father, and he aims to do that by hurting Dom (Vin Diesel) where he will feel it most. His FAMBLY. Of course, he hasn’t counted on Dom being the best at doing everything ever. Urgh.

Written by Justin Lin and Dan Mazeau, and directed by Louis Leterrier, this is a rambling and laughable mess for most of the runtime. The editing is horrible, genuinely feeling at times as if scenes have been randomly chopped up in the wrong places to intersperse with other scenes, ensuring no real flow or building of tension. Even the ridiculous stunts fail to impress, weighed down by CGI that somehow feels worse than what we were given in the first few movies in the series. There’s one fun sequence set in Rome, thanks to some impressive motorbike work, but the rest will have you feeling more exasperated than excited.

Diesel is the least interesting member of the main group, and when he is asked to show emotion on his face it just looks like he’s been filmed trying to empty his bowels, but the rest of the gang are unable to do much better in a number of scenes that feel like nothing but filler. Okay, John Cena is good fun in the scenes he shares with the youngest main cast member (the kid who plays “little Brian”, but watch this and tell me that we couldn’t have done without the sequence featuring a star cameo when Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Nathalie Emmanuel, and Sung Kang are all in London. You would be lying. The women generally fare a bit better, with Michelle Rodriguez, Charlize Theron, and Brie Larson all having some decent moments, but Jordan’s Brewster suffers from the fact that she doesn’t feel as capable as the rest of the gang, and her involvement just serves as a reminder that Paul Walker’s character is notable by his absence. Scott Eastwood returns as an agent, and an ally, Alan Ritchson is the other agent in pursuit of our heroes, and last, but not least, is Momoa. I can see some people disliking Momoa in this, he is all kinds of anarchic energy wrapped up in some damn fine threads whenever he’s onscreen, but he is the highlight of the film. His energy, his madness (a scene with him conversing with others while applying some nail varnish is THE best moment of the entire movie), his sheer glee as he watched his plan come together, it’s all a welcome change from the moody and stoic attitude of almost everyone else in the cast (hell, even the banter between Gibson and Ludacris is made more sour in this outing). It’s overdone though, and sometimes feels too much like the film-makers relied on Momoa to be a jacked-up Joker in order to make up for all of the weaknesses elsewhere in the film.

The biggest weakness, aside from the technical end result of the film-making seeming hastily put together and shoddy, is a complete lack of consequence. This feels pointless. Main characters seem to be dead, but we have seen main characters “die” before. Diesel won’t let his hero lose, his ego won’t allow it (unless things lead to a finale that can allow him to become a modern Christ figure), and the abrupt ending here, because this is only the first part of the story, feels like a bit of a slap in the face. Calling it an ending is a stretch, considering how the film really just cuts off with no defining moment for either the heroes or the villains.

Of course I will watch the next (final?) instalment in this series. I came this far with it. I won’t be looking forward to it though. Everyone involved needs to do some major repair work to get this tired and broken engine back in order if they want to cross the finish line in first place. A large fanbase will be cheering them on, but it’s all on those behind the wheel (metaphorically speaking . . . but also literally, in this instance).

4/10

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Noir-vember: Max Payne (2008)

All the signs were there that I wasn't going to be a big fan of Max Payne. I wasn't even very aware of the videogame when it was popular (all I knew is that "bullet time" played a part). Directed by John Moore, who has a filmography not exactly stuffed with classics. Written by Beau Thorne, someone who doesn't seem to have written any other features. And starring Mark Wahlberg, an actor who really depends on a director and cast helping him to do his best.

Wahlberg is Payne, a cop who is more dangerous than he used to be thanks to the death, a few years ago, of his wife and child. Payne likes to go out at night and take care of criminals without the hassle of arresting them and going through any paperwork. His nocturnal activities put him in the company of people who are enjoying a fun new drug. Fun until it makes the user hallucinate some scenario that leads to their sudden death. It's a great product though, apparently, and Payne will come up against a variety of enemies as he sets out to destroy the supply chain. He might also come closer to finding out just why his wife and child were killed.

I really hoped that I would be able to list SOME positives here, considering how often I can find the simplest pleasures in films that are otherwise not really worth giving time to. Unfortunately, that's not the case. There's not one thing here that actually works. The script is a messy mass of clichés, which could have worked if the design, characters, and tone of the film had been managed better. Moore directs with the approach of someone who is actually stringing together videogame scenes without any need to worry about the plotting in between. Are there moments that look pretty cool? Yes. I'd say there were about four or five. You do get the slo-mo bullets, and you also get some demons that appear to the drug addicts who are about to quickly shuffle off this mortal coil. Those moments are the only ones I am willing to acknowledge as being remotely considered highlights.

Wahlberg is very . . . Wahlbergian in the lead role. He's tough. He scowls a lot. He's a tortured soul who wants to make the world a better place. It's a horrible performance from him, despite the fact that he's a potentially great fit for the role. The supporting cast has some better faces, but none of them get good enough material to work with. Olga Kurylenko is a welcome addition to any film, as I have said on many occasions, but she's not onscreen for long enough. Mila Kunis is similarly under-used, and her character is not one that plays to her strengths. Beau Bridges pops in and out of the proceedings until an inevitably strong presence in the finale, and I guess he tries his best, but there are better small turns from Donal Logue, Amaury Nolasco, and Ludacris.

It lacks any decent writing or characters, which isn't entirely unexpected when you go into a movie based on a videogame, but it also lacks enough moments that showcase some cool FX work, doesn't have any memorable set-pieces, and seems unable to move in any way from the plodding and sombre tone that you don’t really want from a lightweight videogame movie.

3/10

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Fast & Furious 9 (2021)

Although it may seem redundant to review any Fast & Furious movie at this point, that hasn't stopped me before. I have watched this series develop over the years, I have fallen out of love with it, I have revisited most of the entries and ended up enjoying them more on repeat viewings, and I have accepted that every instalment will have some car action punctuated by Vin Diesel looking moodily at people while he growls "FAMILY". I wasn't really looking forward to this instalment though. The main character being given a hitherto-unmentioned brother, the return of yet another character we thought was long dead, and some people being launched into space all seemed to point towards a blockbuster with the wrong ratio of dumb to fun, and the previous film had already given me my fill of that.

Surprisingly, I ended up thinking this was a blast. And I don't see why fans of the series would be disappointed by it.

The plot is, in a way, a bit simpler than some of the previous instalments. A group of baddies, led by Jakob Toretto (John Cena) are trying to get all of the components to something that can be assembled into an extremely powerful device. Once the data is uploaded to a satellite, the device could basically be used to hold the world hostage. Or simply give absolute power to the right bidder. Dom and co. set out to do what they do best, with the added complication of Jakob being Dom's brother, estranged due to events that are shown in various flashbacks throughout the movie (with Dom and Jakob played, respectively, by Vinnie Bennett and Finn Cole).

Is this absolutely ridiculous? Yes, but these films have been that way from the start. At their best, they are ridiculous in a way that is self-aware and laced with good humour. At their worst, they are ridiculous in between moments that we're supposed to view as completely grounded and earnest. Fast & Furious 9 leans towards the best of the series, and even has a theory being posited by one character that they may be supernaturally invincible, considering all of the mad missions that they've been on over the years. You could argue that the backstory between the Toretto brothers drags everything down, but it somehow works well, thanks to the younger actors and the way it is interwoven throughout the main narrative.

Director Justin Lin returns to the series, making this his fourth entry, and he also helps to write the script with Daniel Casey. It doesn't seem like too difficult a task. Get everyone together. Have some whacky driving antics. Be sure to visit some different locations (as biased as I am, I was able to overlook the strangely twisted geography of Edinburgh during an extended action sequence set there). Ensure that Vin Diesel is always the best at everything that needs doing well, be it fighting, driving, or impressing women. Job done. Having said that, as already mentioned above, some entries in this series even manage to falter while following such an easy formula. As small a detail as it may seem, Fast & Furious 9 actually starts with a car race sequence, and punctuates the action throughout with enough vehicular mayhem to keep petrolheads satisfied. That includes a conversation between Diesel and Helen Mirren that could easily have taken place in any environment, but takes place while Mirren is driving a fast car and evading police. Lin may not do as well with shooting the action, the editing has to work hard in some places, and it's all too, well, fast and furious to keep track of everything at times, but he and Casey create a solid foundation with the writing.

Cena is a fun addition to the cast, even if he never feels like a major threat, and everyone else slips back into their characters as if they were just putting on their favourite jackets. Diesel keeps himself at the centre of most of the biggest moments, of course, but Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris get to riff off one another again, Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster both feel a bit more involved with the action this time around, Nathalie Emmanuel returns as Ramsey, Charlize Theron returns as Cipher, with much less screentime, and you also get Sung Kang, Lucas Black, Mirren, Shea Wigham, and one or two others reprising their roles. Bennett and Cole are the main newcomers, and both do excellent work in the flashbacks, Anna Sawai is a formidable young woman named Elle, and Michael Rooker makes a welcome appearance.

The music from Brian Tyler may sound as if it is wanting to swell into The Avengers theme at points, but it generally works just fine in between some high-energy soundtrack choices, and it goes along with the constant momentum that the film has, moving from one over-the-top action beat to the next with just enough rest in between to allow characters to connect with one another and/or have some more exposition.

I have seen views from people who didn't like this, which leaves me bemused. You know what you're getting into with these movies. And if you know what you're getting into then I'd say that this absolutely delivers what fans want. The vehicles are cool, the fights are creatively staged, and there is so much fun involving large magnets that I expected Jesse Pinkman to join the crew for the third act. I'm already tentatively looking forward to the next instalment, thanks partly to a small mid-credits scene that you shouldn't miss, and I hope more people enjoy this one as much as I did.

8/10

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2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

There's something within me that gets angry at me while I enjoy movies sometimes. Some small part of me that knows that I SHOULD know better. It tries to distract me with shame and inner turmoil and whispers of how inept I am. Even after all this time it still tries, despite knowing that it won't work. Especially while I watch something I enjoy as much as 2 Fast 2 Furious.

Following on, of course, from The Fast And The Furious comes this - a videogame in all but the formatting. But the videogames that it replicates are some of my favourites, the likes of GTA and Driver. This is the only reason I can give as to why I enjoy it so much.

To be fair, the cast is pretty good. Paul Walker returns as ex-cop Brian, and he's the star of the show (no Vin Diesel for this instalment), but he's ably supported by Tyrese Gibson (who is a LOT of fun), Eva Mendes, Cole Hauser, Thom Barry, James Remar, Devon Aoki, and a number of other good folks. And 'Ludacris'.

That videogame plot is summed up thus: Paul Walker and Tyrese Gibson are shown racing at different events before the action changes to an official police matter. Both men have to help the law get a charge to stick on their main baddie (Hauser) while racing around and avoiding being shot. That's it.

Michael Brandt and Derek Haas are the men who put their names to the screenplay here but it seems to me that they just squeezed in a few car chases in between guys saying "aaiiiiiiight" and "bro/bru" and plenty of cool handshakes and fistbumps. If you think I'm exaggerating then just monitor the dialogue for the first 20 minutes of the film. Aiiiight?

The cars look gorgeous, all pimped out and souped up, and the movie has a great energy as it barrels along from beginning to end. Many may dislike the editing, which is too hyperactive in places, but it fits in with that videogame aesthetic (the dialogue moments actually feel like "cutscenes" in between missions).

Director John Singleton may not be the most obvious choice for this kind of film but he handles it well and gives audiences a movie that won't disappoint those who know exactly what they want from the franchise - fast cars, simple language and a smattering of attractive women. Yep, you can happily switch your brain off as soon as you hear those engines being switched on.

7/10.

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