Fast X (2023)

I have mentioned it many times before, but I have a strange relationship with the Fast & Furious franchise. I was never a fan, but they became so ubiquitous that I eventually gave in and started to enjoy them. When things for more preposterous, I became less impressed. Then things got even MORE preposterous and I was won around again. I didn’t love the eighth instalment in the main series, but I really liked the ninth, so I wasn’t sure where I would land on this outing.

I hated it.

Linking back to the end of the fifth film, the plot concerns a villain named Dante (Jason Momoa). Dante is out to avenge the death of his father, and he aims to do that by hurting Dom (Vin Diesel) where he will feel it most. His FAMBLY. Of course, he hasn’t counted on Dom being the best at doing everything ever. Urgh.

Written by Justin Lin and Dan Mazeau, and directed by Louis Leterrier, this is a rambling and laughable mess for most of the runtime. The editing is horrible, genuinely feeling at times as if scenes have been randomly chopped up in the wrong places to intersperse with other scenes, ensuring no real flow or building of tension. Even the ridiculous stunts fail to impress, weighed down by CGI that somehow feels worse than what we were given in the first few movies in the series. There’s one fun sequence set in Rome, thanks to some impressive motorbike work, but the rest will have you feeling more exasperated than excited.

Diesel is the least interesting member of the main group, and when he is asked to show emotion on his face it just looks like he’s been filmed trying to empty his bowels, but the rest of the gang are unable to do much better in a number of scenes that feel like nothing but filler. Okay, John Cena is good fun in the scenes he shares with the youngest main cast member (the kid who plays “little Brian”, but watch this and tell me that we couldn’t have done without the sequence featuring a star cameo when Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Nathalie Emmanuel, and Sung Kang are all in London. You would be lying. The women generally fare a bit better, with Michelle Rodriguez, Charlize Theron, and Brie Larson all having some decent moments, but Jordan’s Brewster suffers from the fact that she doesn’t feel as capable as the rest of the gang, and her involvement just serves as a reminder that Paul Walker’s character is notable by his absence. Scott Eastwood returns as an agent, and an ally, Alan Ritchson is the other agent in pursuit of our heroes, and last, but not least, is Momoa. I can see some people disliking Momoa in this, he is all kinds of anarchic energy wrapped up in some damn fine threads whenever he’s onscreen, but he is the highlight of the film. His energy, his madness (a scene with him conversing with others while applying some nail varnish is THE best moment of the entire movie), his sheer glee as he watched his plan come together, it’s all a welcome change from the moody and stoic attitude of almost everyone else in the cast (hell, even the banter between Gibson and Ludacris is made more sour in this outing). It’s overdone though, and sometimes feels too much like the film-makers relied on Momoa to be a jacked-up Joker in order to make up for all of the weaknesses elsewhere in the film.

The biggest weakness, aside from the technical end result of the film-making seeming hastily put together and shoddy, is a complete lack of consequence. This feels pointless. Main characters seem to be dead, but we have seen main characters “die” before. Diesel won’t let his hero lose, his ego won’t allow it (unless things lead to a finale that can allow him to become a modern Christ figure), and the abrupt ending here, because this is only the first part of the story, feels like a bit of a slap in the face. Calling it an ending is a stretch, considering how the film really just cuts off with no defining moment for either the heroes or the villains.

Of course I will watch the next (final?) instalment in this series. I came this far with it. I won’t be looking forward to it though. Everyone involved needs to do some major repair work to get this tired and broken engine back in order if they want to cross the finish line in first place. A large fanbase will be cheering them on, but it’s all on those behind the wheel (metaphorically speaking . . . but also literally, in this instance).

4/10

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Morbius (2022)

Here we have a film in which Jared Leto has to play a privileged guy who gets himself into a position where he can abuse the trust of people around him and be creepy and menacing to anyone he decides to target. No, it’s not Jared: A True Story. It is Morbius, another superhero film given some new clothes to wear, and also another film trying to forge connections to the Spider-Man movies.

Leto plays Dr. Michael Morbius, a great scientist who has spent years trying to cure the debilitating disease that has afflicted him. If he does find a cure then he can also help his good friend, Milo (Matt Smith). As his disease is blood-related, Morbius ends up trying some radical work with vampire bats. And he gets a successful result. Unfortunately, it also turns him into a blood-craving man-bat. That is all well and good when it comes to his strength, athleticism, speed, and a new sense of echo location. It isn’t so good when he needs to feed. Maybe synthetic blood will help him, for a while anyway, but it isn’t long until exsanguinated bodies start showing up. And Morbius becomes public enemy number one, despite him doubting that he did anything wrong.

For the basics of this kind of movie, Morbius is perfectly fine. The origin story is enjoyable enough, there are decent effects dotted throughout, and a couple of action sequences work well. Leto works well in a main role that seems to fit him very well, and there are even a couple of moments that tap into the potential for some horror movie moments.

The script, written by Matt Sazama and Burt Sharpless, is decent, if fairly predictable, and I have to admit to enjoying the films, like this and the Venom movies, that have recently packaged darker and deadlier characters into movies that remain available to a surprisingly wide viewer demographic. I know that a lot of people disagree, and I also wouldn’t mind seeing darker riffs on this material, but the compromises often seem to give these films a sense of fun that they would otherwise be lacking. Morbius is actually fun at times, especially when Matt Smith gets to cut loose, and I never thought I would say that.

Director Daniel Espinosa spoils things though, deciding to overload some sequences with details and CGI that don’t really make sense. Scenes have colour added to them, but it soon feels like you’re watching the afterglow of someone drawing an image with a sparkler in a dark room. Although I did say that a couple of the action sequences work well, others don’t. You get no true feeling of danger, and there are a couple of occasions that have things happening that are only explained after you have tried to figure out what is going on (which is fine for plotting, not so good with action beats).

I have already said that Leto works well in the main role, but it feels like such a good fit for him that I would be astonished if he failed. Maybe he was just happy to have a vehicle that didn’t have him portraying the worst onscreen Joker ever, or maybe he just managed to find his character very easily. Smith is solid, although his character arc could not be any more obvious. The second half allows him to shine, but I wish he could have been allowed to do even more. Adria Arjona is a good female lead, a colleague/friend of Morbius, and Tyrese Gibson does just fine as a cop one step behind the unfolding danger. There’s also a cameo at the end that is well worth sticking around for, although I had been hoping another character might be introduced here (someone who would make complete sense in this storyline).

Although not great, and I don’t know anyone who expected this to be great, Morbius is enjoyable and entertaining for most of its runtime, and the fact that the runtime is also about 104 minutes is also a plus.

6/10

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Fast & Furious 9 (2021)

Although it may seem redundant to review any Fast & Furious movie at this point, that hasn't stopped me before. I have watched this series develop over the years, I have fallen out of love with it, I have revisited most of the entries and ended up enjoying them more on repeat viewings, and I have accepted that every instalment will have some car action punctuated by Vin Diesel looking moodily at people while he growls "FAMILY". I wasn't really looking forward to this instalment though. The main character being given a hitherto-unmentioned brother, the return of yet another character we thought was long dead, and some people being launched into space all seemed to point towards a blockbuster with the wrong ratio of dumb to fun, and the previous film had already given me my fill of that.

Surprisingly, I ended up thinking this was a blast. And I don't see why fans of the series would be disappointed by it.

The plot is, in a way, a bit simpler than some of the previous instalments. A group of baddies, led by Jakob Toretto (John Cena) are trying to get all of the components to something that can be assembled into an extremely powerful device. Once the data is uploaded to a satellite, the device could basically be used to hold the world hostage. Or simply give absolute power to the right bidder. Dom and co. set out to do what they do best, with the added complication of Jakob being Dom's brother, estranged due to events that are shown in various flashbacks throughout the movie (with Dom and Jakob played, respectively, by Vinnie Bennett and Finn Cole).

Is this absolutely ridiculous? Yes, but these films have been that way from the start. At their best, they are ridiculous in a way that is self-aware and laced with good humour. At their worst, they are ridiculous in between moments that we're supposed to view as completely grounded and earnest. Fast & Furious 9 leans towards the best of the series, and even has a theory being posited by one character that they may be supernaturally invincible, considering all of the mad missions that they've been on over the years. You could argue that the backstory between the Toretto brothers drags everything down, but it somehow works well, thanks to the younger actors and the way it is interwoven throughout the main narrative.

Director Justin Lin returns to the series, making this his fourth entry, and he also helps to write the script with Daniel Casey. It doesn't seem like too difficult a task. Get everyone together. Have some whacky driving antics. Be sure to visit some different locations (as biased as I am, I was able to overlook the strangely twisted geography of Edinburgh during an extended action sequence set there). Ensure that Vin Diesel is always the best at everything that needs doing well, be it fighting, driving, or impressing women. Job done. Having said that, as already mentioned above, some entries in this series even manage to falter while following such an easy formula. As small a detail as it may seem, Fast & Furious 9 actually starts with a car race sequence, and punctuates the action throughout with enough vehicular mayhem to keep petrolheads satisfied. That includes a conversation between Diesel and Helen Mirren that could easily have taken place in any environment, but takes place while Mirren is driving a fast car and evading police. Lin may not do as well with shooting the action, the editing has to work hard in some places, and it's all too, well, fast and furious to keep track of everything at times, but he and Casey create a solid foundation with the writing.

Cena is a fun addition to the cast, even if he never feels like a major threat, and everyone else slips back into their characters as if they were just putting on their favourite jackets. Diesel keeps himself at the centre of most of the biggest moments, of course, but Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris get to riff off one another again, Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster both feel a bit more involved with the action this time around, Nathalie Emmanuel returns as Ramsey, Charlize Theron returns as Cipher, with much less screentime, and you also get Sung Kang, Lucas Black, Mirren, Shea Wigham, and one or two others reprising their roles. Bennett and Cole are the main newcomers, and both do excellent work in the flashbacks, Anna Sawai is a formidable young woman named Elle, and Michael Rooker makes a welcome appearance.

The music from Brian Tyler may sound as if it is wanting to swell into The Avengers theme at points, but it generally works just fine in between some high-energy soundtrack choices, and it goes along with the constant momentum that the film has, moving from one over-the-top action beat to the next with just enough rest in between to allow characters to connect with one another and/or have some more exposition.

I have seen views from people who didn't like this, which leaves me bemused. You know what you're getting into with these movies. And if you know what you're getting into then I'd say that this absolutely delivers what fans want. The vehicles are cool, the fights are creatively staged, and there is so much fun involving large magnets that I expected Jesse Pinkman to join the crew for the third act. I'm already tentatively looking forward to the next instalment, thanks partly to a small mid-credits scene that you shouldn't miss, and I hope more people enjoy this one as much as I did.

8/10

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Netflix And Chill: The Christmas Chronicles 2 (2020)

Most of the main players return for this sequel to the Santa flick that gave Netflix a big hit two years ago. Having said that, I cannot think of many of their original Christmas content that hasn't gone down well. They have certainly done their homework, and worked with people who know what viewers will expect.

Young Kate (Darby Camp) is unhappy. She is having to spend Christmas in a warmer climate, with her brother (Teddy, played by Judah Lewis), her mother (Kimberly Williams-Paisley), her mother's boyfriend, Bob (Tyrese Gibson), and Bob's young son, Jack (Jahzir Bruno). So she takes the opportunity to sneak away when she can, but young Jack accompanies her. The two children end up on a cart driven by Belsnickel (Julian Dennison), who then throws them all through a wormhole, which is all part of his plan to get to Santa's Village and ruin Christmas. Why does he want to do that? That all comes out as the slim plot unfolds, with Kate and Jack doing whatever they can to help Santa (Kurt Russell) and Mrs. Claus (Goldie Hawn).

Directed by Chris Columbus (you can say many things about him, but an unsafe pair of hands he is not), The Christmas Chronicles 2 gives you everything you might want from a sequel to the first movie, without taking any risks. Columbus also co-wrote the movie with Matt Liberman, the main writer from the first movie, and it's a very enjoyable and amusing family film. Like so many other films that Columbus has helmed. But other films from Columbus are missing one vital ingredient that this has; Kurt Russell.

Yes, that's right, much like the first time around, this Christmas movie is absolutely lifted up by a turn from Russell that shows him to be the Santa we never knew we wanted. Having been an acting legend for decades, especially to fans of John Carpenter movies, Russell has the look and age to play Santa, but the baggage and cool factor to add a different kind of magic sparkle. He always has a twinkle in his eye, and genuinely seems to relish the adventures that divert him from his usual Christmas schedule.

Having Goldie Hawn play Mrs. Claus (following on from her cameo in The Christmas Chronicles) is another major plus. This isn't just a Christmas movie, this is a family affair. These stars are having a whale of a time, and viewers are simply lucky enough to watch their chemistry infuse the whole film with a warm glow. Very few people could compete with these adults, but fair play to the younger cast members for trying their best, and being helped along by the script. Camp is, in many ways, the least of the leads, but she's the unwavering heart of the film, dealing with her own complex issue as she loses herself in another Christmas adventure. Then you have Bruno, stealing a lot of his scenes with a wonderful comic turn. Dennison makes a great villain, blinded by his rage for much of the runtime, although perhaps not beyond some kind of redemption. The other characters have much less screentime, but everyone does good work.

The many CGI elves are designed for fun, rather than realism, the reindeer all look fine, the many small wonders in Santa's village are a treat, and there's nothing here to stop this becoming a new Christmas favourite for a while. Yet it is lacking something. If it wasn't for the casting, this wouldn't play half as well as it does. It's also just not quite as good as the first film, because it lacks the impact of first seeing Russell play his Santa so perfectly, and it repeats a number of tricks. If the first film was a shiny new toy, this is the party gift that seems fun at first, but is then placed in a drawer and forgotten about until someone asks you to bring it round for their Christmas party.

An easy option if you're wanting some fun for all the family, but I don't think it will become an annual tradition. 

6/10

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2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

There's something within me that gets angry at me while I enjoy movies sometimes. Some small part of me that knows that I SHOULD know better. It tries to distract me with shame and inner turmoil and whispers of how inept I am. Even after all this time it still tries, despite knowing that it won't work. Especially while I watch something I enjoy as much as 2 Fast 2 Furious.

Following on, of course, from The Fast And The Furious comes this - a videogame in all but the formatting. But the videogames that it replicates are some of my favourites, the likes of GTA and Driver. This is the only reason I can give as to why I enjoy it so much.

To be fair, the cast is pretty good. Paul Walker returns as ex-cop Brian, and he's the star of the show (no Vin Diesel for this instalment), but he's ably supported by Tyrese Gibson (who is a LOT of fun), Eva Mendes, Cole Hauser, Thom Barry, James Remar, Devon Aoki, and a number of other good folks. And 'Ludacris'.

That videogame plot is summed up thus: Paul Walker and Tyrese Gibson are shown racing at different events before the action changes to an official police matter. Both men have to help the law get a charge to stick on their main baddie (Hauser) while racing around and avoiding being shot. That's it.

Michael Brandt and Derek Haas are the men who put their names to the screenplay here but it seems to me that they just squeezed in a few car chases in between guys saying "aaiiiiiiight" and "bro/bru" and plenty of cool handshakes and fistbumps. If you think I'm exaggerating then just monitor the dialogue for the first 20 minutes of the film. Aiiiight?

The cars look gorgeous, all pimped out and souped up, and the movie has a great energy as it barrels along from beginning to end. Many may dislike the editing, which is too hyperactive in places, but it fits in with that videogame aesthetic (the dialogue moments actually feel like "cutscenes" in between missions).

Director John Singleton may not be the most obvious choice for this kind of film but he handles it well and gives audiences a movie that won't disappoint those who know exactly what they want from the franchise - fast cars, simple language and a smattering of attractive women. Yep, you can happily switch your brain off as soon as you hear those engines being switched on.

7/10.

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