They Will Kill You (2026)

As anyone who has been keeping track of my movie viewings will know, this is the reason I recently revisited Why Don't You Just Die! I had enjoyed the trailer for this movie, and wanted to see how director Kirill Sokolov would do with macabre fare that seemed to be aimed at a more mainstream audience (aka his English-language debut). The verdict? He doesn't do a bad job. I wouldn't call They Will Kill You great, but it certainly has one or two moments of greatness in it.

It's a familiar tale, at least on the surface. A group of rich and powerful people need to kill someone in order to retain their status. They're all inhabitants of one large building, and Asia Reaves (Zazie Beetz) is the new housekeeper who ends up being their new target. Asia has a hidden agenda though, and she's also very good at staying alive while dealing savagely with anyone silly enough to attack her.

Co-written by Sokolov and Alex Litvak, this may have underperformed at the box office, perhaps due to how close it was released to what seemed a very similar film (Ready Or Not 2: Here I Come), but I hope people will give it their time at home. There are a couple of twists and turns that make it much more fun than expected, and the violence on display is often as entertaining and inventive as it is savage and bloody.

Beetz is a very good lead, easy to root for and easy to believe as someone capable and deadly. It helps that the ensemble cast also includes Patricia Arquette (dubious accent choice and all), Paterson Joseph, Heather Graham, Tom Felton, Angus Sampson, and the voice of James Remar. There are many others too, including Myha'la, playing a character who provides the main motivation for the leading lady. Not everyone is at the same standard when it comes to the performances being delivered, but those who add to the fun far outweigh the few who don't.

I admit to not being won over by this from the very beginning. It seemed like it was a half-baked idea that would barely hold my interest for half an hour, let alone a full 94 minutes. The first couple of twists and turns were executed well enough to perk me up though, and then I was delighted by some superb gore gags and wonderfully-choreographed fight scenes until the curtain was pulled back for a final act that keeps delivering more of the same, but also adds even more insanity to the mix.

Sokolov proves himself as someone to absolutely keep an eye on. He has a great sense of the cinematic, is able to create stylish mayhem on a relatively low budget, and accompanies his visuals with some appropriately driving soundtrack choices. I may have been keen to see this, but I'm just as keen to see whatever he ends up doing next. And I wouldn't be disappointed if it was some contrived sequel to this. Maybe titled They Will Still Kill You. 

7/10

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Prime Time: Drugstore June (2024)

Whenever movie fans look back over a year just gone by, it's a chance to catch up on all of the overlooked titles that seem to appear in the lists of recommendations from others. Most of those will be things that you were at least aware of - a blockbuster you missed at the cinema, a horror that wasn't showing anywhere near you, or a worthy drama that you just didn't have the energy for - but some fine films remain surprisingly overlooked. Drugstore June is one of those films. I am especially surprised, considering how I view this and Babes (which I have yet to review here) to be up there with some of the best comedy films in recent years.

Esther Povitsky is June, a young woman who ends up with a surprising sense of purpose when the pharmacy that she works in is robbed. June thinks that she has the skills to solve the crime, but she's barely got the skills to remain aware of how she affects other people around her. Or so it seems. The plot winds from one bizarre encounter to the next, including a running storyline about June refusing to let her ex, Davey (Haley Joel Osment), move on from their relationship, but there's always a focus on June trying to finally achieve something that isn't just tied to her usual interests.

I wanted to see Drugstore June since I first saw a trailer that made me consistently chuckle. If you check that out and enjoy it, rest assured that it almost perfectly represents the film that you're going to get. June is a comedic creation to rival the very best, and Povitsky is genuinely brilliant in the role. The fact that she can be so unrelentingly . . . June while somehow not making you want to always throw her into a very deep ocean (although you may well feel that way sometimes, especially in the first act) is a testament to the writing and performance.

Director Nicholaus Goossen helped to work on the screenplay with Povitsky, and it's clear that both of them have a solid grasp of the vibe and character. There are a few neo-noir tropes played with here, to great effect, but the personality of June overshadows everything else going on around her, whether she's trying to get a perfect pic for her Instagram or exaggerating her status as an online influencer to anyone who has a conversation with her. The film couldn't work if that was all she was though, and the satisfaction really comes from seeing just the tiniest amount of growth, in both her detective skills and her maturity.

Povitsky is a star. Although I've not taken note of her in anything else she's done before this, I'll now be keeping an eye on everything else that she's doing. Her turn here is pitched perfectly in between the monstrously narcissistic and the sweetly naive, and it's hard to imagine anyone else getting the balance so right. Bill Lee is amusing, playing June's boss, someone who seems to have a great deal of patience and optimism . . . or maybe just a complete inability to find anyone else to hire in her place, and both Beverly D'Angelo and James Remar are entertainingly exasperated parents. Brandon Wardell is an irritating brother, Al Madrigal and Jackie Sandler are the two detectives trying to do their job properly, despite encountering the whirlwind that is June, and there are fun cameos from Matt Walsh, Bill Burr, and Bhad Bhabie. Osment is also very good in his small role, and Miranda Cosgrove incurs the wrath of our lead by simply being Osment's new partner.

I admit that I might be heaping a bit too much praise on this, trying to do my bit to tip the scales in favour of something so sorely neglected when it came and went last year without anyone really taking note of it, but I also know that I could happily watch this on a loop for an entire day and keep finding different little moments and lines of dialogue to laugh at. It's brilliant, and, in my opinion, should have appeared on numerous lists mentioning the very best films of 2024.

9/10

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Netflix And Chill: The Noel Diary (2022)

Based on a book by Richard Paul Evans, not one I can say I am familiar with, The Noel Diary is, in many ways, a Christmas film with a bit more depth to it than most. That doesn't mean it's unpredictable, and it's far from perfect, but I was drawn into this from the opening scenes, and ended up rooting for the characters to overcome the various obstacles to happiness put in their way. That's the aim of so many of these movies, of course, but not all of them do enough to make you really care about the protagonists. This one did.

Justin Hartley plays Jake Turner, a successful author who has spent the majority of his adult life alone and happy. When he has to head back to his childhood home after the death of his mother, clearing out the items she had hoarded over the years forces him to remember the past events that made him the way he is today. It also leads to him encountering a young woman, Rachel (Barrett Doss), who is searching for her birth mother, a woman she believes once worked for Jake's family many years ago. As the two work together to piece together the journey of Rachel's mother, Jake ends up addressing and re-evaluating his own past, and our leads inevitably grow closer as they are forced to put themselves in a position of vulnerability.

Directed by Charles Shyer, who also co-wrote the screenplay with Rebecca Connor (her only screenplay credit, to date) and David Golden (responsible for many of these films, but this may be his best), this has a sheen of care and polish to it that many of these films can lack. Although there's an ambiguity in the opening act that makes the whole thing feel slightly odd (maybe it's just me, I wondered if Jake and Rachel would find out some big secret that would connect them in a way to rule out any chance of romance between them), everything soon settles into an easygoing and enjoyable vibe while our main characters realise truths that viewers will have suspected from very early on.

Hartley is a very good lead, believable and charming. He's genuinely good at showing someone struggling to learn how to let down the walls that he has built up over many years, and this performance is a reminder of how much screen presence, and talent, he has. Doss is equally good, delivering the kind of performance that has me hoping there will be many more lead film roles for her in the near future. Although the core cast is kept relatively small, both Bonnie Bedelia and James Remar excel in main supporting roles, both portraying people who have impacted Jake's life in different ways.

All of the tropes you expect are here (lots of snow, disrupted journeys, a potential failure or two on the way to success), but things feel fresh thanks to the moments that feel pleasantly atypical. There aren't any major misunderstandings between our leads, with clear and open communication helping them avoid the kind of confusion you usually get in this kind of thing, and the resolution feels satisfying without being as "paint by numbers"as it could have been, which makes this feel like a bit of a rarity: a Christmas movie with characters who don't keep jumping to the worst possible conclusion when one thing goes slightly wrong.

7/10

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June-Claude Van Damme: The Quest (1996)

Adding another string to his bow here, Jean-Claude Van Damme both stars AND directs this film (based on a story that he worked on with Frank Dux, according to the credits). Which helps to explain why it feels like nothing more than a period version of Bloodsport, although it's nowhere near as good as that film.

Christopher Dubois (Van Damme) is a thief who uses his skills to help out a local group of orphans. Crossing paths with both local gangsters and the police, Dubois then realises that it's time he got himself out of the city, before he is arrested or killed. He ends up crossing paths with an upper-class con man (Roger Moore) and his assistant (Jack McGee). There are one or two twists, they are joined by a reporter (Janet Gunn) and boxing champion (James Remar), and everyone eventually ends up at a prestigious fighting tournament.

Some days I really don't like The Quest and some days I do. It depends on what mood I am in, I guess, and how charitable I am feeling. The opening scenes, framed by an elderly Dubois who fights some thugs and then starts to tell his story, are quite ridiculous, and also quite amusing. And things pick up once Moore and McGee appear. Sadly, things dip when the characters reach the tournament, which is when you'd expect it to become an even better movie.

Van Damme shows that he's certainly learned enough behind the camera to deliver a standard vehicle for himself, and does fine with the action sequences, but he cannot overcome the fact that a) this just feels like Bloodsport, but not done as well, and b) the script by Steve Klein and Paul Mones doesn't work as well as anyone thinks it does.

Thankfully, the cast act oblivious to the shortcomings of the material that they're given. Van Damme is doing his usual thing, Moore gives one of the most enjoyable supporting performances you will find in the entire Van Damme filmography, and McGee is good alongside him, which is why the pacing of the film is helped by their introductions. Remar is also good to see, and has a couple of great moments, Gunn is as underserved as most actresses in JCVD vehicles, and Abdel Qissi is the impressive badass who must eventually be defeated in the tournament.

Formulaic, uneven in tone, inferior to so many other Van Damme films, and missing some other decent characters when it comes to the actual fighters, The Quest is still good fun for those who can appreciate its unique charm.

6/10

You can buy it here.
Americans can buy it here.

Noir November: Fatal Instinct (1993)

 It's hard to think of any reason why writer-director Carl Reiner would want to put another comedic spin on film noirs after hitting such a home run with the brilliant Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid. Well, perhaps he was happy to be working from a script by someone else (David O'Malley) this time, or maybe he just liked how this referenced a lot of classics while also skewering a number of neo-noirs in every scene. Either way, just enjoy the end result. It has a game cast all providing plenty of laughs.

Splicing a plot together from Double Indemnity, Body Heat (so . . . . . . Double Indemnity twice), Fatal Attraction, Sleeping With The Enemy and Cape Fear, the movie follows Ned Ravine (Armand Assante), a cop who also happens to be a lawyer, as he deals with the potentially dangerous Lola Caine (Sean Young), fails to notice the crush that his assistant (Sherilyn Fenn) has on him, and ends up an unwitting potential victim in a deadly scheme cooked up by his wife (Kate Nelligan) and her lover (Christopher McDonald). And then, to make matters worse, there's the release of Max Shady (James Remar), who also wants to see Ned bumped off.

While it's not the kind of parody that nails every tic and trick of the material it's spoofing, this is a comedy that knows where the easy laughs are and starts to build them up nicely. It's more interested in being silly than being clever, but it throws everything into the mix in a way that should please fans of Zucker/Abrams/Zucker fare. O'Malley hasn't, from what I can see, written anything else in this vein. Some will think that's a good thing, yet I think he has a good success rate with the number of gags that at least raise a smirk.

Reiner knows how to direct comedy, of course, and does his usual good work here. Despite the broad strokes being used, he has fun lifting some major sequences from other movies and filtering them through his skewed vision. The fact that he also knows how to easily steep each scene in the appropriate noir atmosphere is a big plus, whether he's showing sexual chemistry between characters or making sure that the saxophone player is always available to pop onscreen while playing the background tune.

Assante is very funny in the lead role, admirably keeping a straight face even as he's asked to act in more and more ridiculous situations, and the same goes for Young, Fenn, Nelligan, McDonald and Remar. McDonald is probably the one who gives a performance close enough to many of his other acting turns throughout the '90s, but that's no big deal when he's always such good fun to watch. There are also cameo roles for Eartha Kitt and Rosie O'Donnell, which you can view as a good or bad thing, and at least one scene is stolen by an adorable, and all-too-fake, skunk.

I've gathered that I am, once again, well within the minority with my love for this one, but that's no problem. I'll just keep enjoying it, and I'll keep recommending it to people until at least one or two others come around to my way of thinking.

8/10

http://www.amazon.com/Fatal-Instinct-Armand-Assante/dp/B00008972V/ref=sr_1_2?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1415205575&sr=1-2&keywords=fatal+instinct

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Horns (2013)

Based on the popular novel by Joe Hill, Horns is a supernatural drama directed by Alexandre Aja. And a damn fine one it is too. I LOVED the book, it became one of my instant favourites of the past few years, and this movie is a decent adaptation. As long as you remember that things have to change from page to screen.

Daniel Radcliffe plays Ignatius "Ig" Perrish, a young man who isn't very popular in his home town, to put it mildly. He's just gotten away with the murder of his loved one, Merrin (Juno Temple), and nobody believes that he's actually innocent. Well, nobody except perhaps his brother (Joe Anderson) and his best friend, who is also acting as his lawyer, Lee (Max Minghella). And his parents (James Remar and Kathleen Quinlan), of course. Except . . . . . . . Ig finds out that his parents actually have concerns about just what their son is capable of. He finds out after waking up with horns growing out of his head one morning. Horns that seem to cast a spell on the people around him. They find themselves suddenly telling Ig their darkest thoughts. There's a chance that Ig can use the horns to find out what happened to Merrin, but there's also a chance that they will just cause him more pain and suffering than he's already been through.

Written into movie form by Keith Bunin, Horns gets a hell of a lot right for an adaptation. Changes are made that help maintain focus on the most important characters, extraneous background stories are ruthlessly chopped out, and the unfolding "whodunnit" structure is successfully ported over, allowing viewers to make discoveries alongside Ig as he tries to use his new powers to find out what really happened, even if it turns out that he still has some blame to carry upon his own shoulders.

Aja isn't as at ease with the direction here as he has been in with most of his past movies, seeming to struggle with the balance of drama, love and mystery here that he hasn't really had to deal with before now. Don't take this the wrong way, but this is more The Lovely Bones than Satan's Little Helper, although it has the streak of dark humour that helped make the book such a great read.

Radcliffe is pretty great in the lead role, it has to be said. It's another big stride out from the shadow of Harry Potter, and he seizes the opportunity with relish, making a great Ig Perrish (wavering American accent aside). Temple is a good choice to play Merrin, a character who has more of a presence in her death than many others have while living. Anderson and Minghella both do really well, Remar and Quinlan are always good to watch, Heather Graham has fun in a small role, and the always-great David Morse is great, obviously, as the father of the deceased, a man who wants to hate Ig more than his inner gut and heart will allow.

Horror fans may find this a bit lacking, it's not especially bloody and never tense or scary either, but it's something a bit different from the norm, and it mixes the dark and delightful in a way that should please those of us who acknowledge that "the devil has all the best tunes" and, as AC/DC once sang, "Hell Ain't A Bad Place To Be".

7/10

http://www.amazon.com/Horns-Daniel-Radcliffe/dp/B00O4UAXRM/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1413065972&sr=1-1&keywords=horns

Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Coming along a few years after the TV show, Tales From The Darkside: The Movie is a fun anthology horror movie, full of familiar faces and some entertaining nastiness.

The wraparound segment itself is a lot of fun, as a wicked woman (Deborah Harry) sets out to prepare and cook a small boy (Matthew Lawrence). In an attempt to delay his transformation into a main course, the boy starts to entertain his captor with the tales.
First off, "Lot 249" is a great slice of macabre fun, based (loosely, I'm assuming) on a tale by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Steve Buscemi stars as a young man who has been wronged, but who has just taken receipt of a mummy that he thinks can help exact his revenge.
Then it's on to "Cat From Hell", a Stephen King tale (adapted into a screenplay by George A. Romero) about an old man (William Hickey) who hires a hitman (David Johansen) to kill a cat that he thinks is responsible for the death of his brother and sisters. Is the old man being paranoid, or is the cat really such a nasty piece of work?
The last tale, and a favourite for many viewers, is "Lover's Vow". Written by Michael McDowell, who also adapted the first tale from the source material, this sees James Remar playing a struggling artist who witnesses something unbelievable one night. It's a dangerous monster that allows him to live, only on the condition that he never tells anyone else of their encounter. Fortunately, Remar also meets the lovely Rae Dawn Chong on the same night. The two develop a relationship, but Remar wonders if he can break his silence to be fully honest with the woman he loves.
And then it's back to the wraparound story, of course, for a conclusion that allows viewers to see who will end up in that big oven.

Director John Harrison doesn't do too much wrong here, but he's helped immensely by three decent stories, a fun wraparound, and a collection of great actors in the main roles. As well as Steve Buscemi in the first tale, we also get Christian Slater and Julianne Moore. The second tale is mostly a two-hander, but I'm a big fan of William Hickey, especially when he's working in the horror genre, so that's not a problem. And Remar and Chong both work well in the last tale. Oh, I'd also better mention that Harry and Lawrence are a lot of fun in their scenes.

The script isn't the sharpest, but that's okay. Things work out, in this instance, thanks to the ability of the stars to carry the material, and the great punchlines for each segment. Everyone who has seen this movie remembers the third tale, yet the others are certainly above average for this kind of thing. "Cat From Hell" is the one I like least, and even that has a number of fun moments throughout, before it starts to tail off in the last few minutes (no pun intended).

There's plenty of dark humour, there's just enough gore to keep fans of the red stuff happy, and there are some enjoyable practical effects (some enjoyable for being good, and some enjoyable for being amusingly fake). It's also perfectly paced, coming in at about 90 minutes, therefore preventing any one tale from outstaying its welcome.

Despite my praise, this is far from the best anthology horror movie. It is, however, also far from the worst, and it's definitely worth your time.

7/10

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Judge Dredd (1995)

I think it's pretty widely acknowledged nowadays that Judge Dredd was a bit of a letdown for fans of the character. I still like it more than a lot of people but even I must admit that Dredd spends far too much time not wearing his iconic headwear and there's a bit too much screentime given over to the comic relief AKA Rob Schneider. Anyway, let's start with the good stuff.

Judge Dredd has a great cast, including Sylvester Stallone in the title role. When he first appears onscreen he's fantastic in the title role. Stallone may not be the best actor in the world (though he certainly has his moments) but he's surrounded by a quality cast. There's Diane Lane, Max Von Sydow, Armand Assante, Jurgen Prochnow and the great James Remar (although he's, sadly, not in it for long). There are also small roles for Ian Dury, Ewen Bremner and Scott Wilson. And then there's Rob Schneider.

The plot sees the most infamous peacekeeper in Mega-City One being accused of murder. It's unbelievable but all the evidence clearly points to Dredd as the perpetrator. Dredd is to be sent away for a long time but that doesn't quite go to plan thanks to a big fight on board a vehicle full of prisoners that leads to a crash that leads to Dredd and a hapless criminal named Herman (Rob Schneider) stuck in some waste lands and needing to deal with some bad folks before finding their way back into Mega-City One and clearing Dredd's name. Meanwhile, it turns out that the real villain is someone very close to Dredd with his own warped reason for revenge. Even better, he's played by Armand Assante, in superb eye-rolling form.

Michael De Luca may have managed to come up with the story with William Wisher but it's Wisher and Steven E. de Souza who crafted the final draft of the screenplay and due credit must also, of course, go to the many fine folks who have written stories for Judge Dredd during his long-running stint in the mighty 2000 AD. The story, and the backstory (both that which is revealed and that which is just known to fans of the comic), is solid and the direction from Danny Cannon isn't that bad at all. The film simply starts to fall apart when Judge Dredd stops seeming like Judge Dredd and that happens, as silly as it may sound, when the helmet comes off. And when it stays off for most of the movie. It's not true to the character and it just leaves viewers with a half-decent Sylvester Stallone action movie. There are already plenty of those, thank you very much.

Judge Dredd is fun. It has one or two enjoyable set-pieces (one that involves James Remar, one involving the delightfully demented Angel Family and almost any moments that involve Assante), I don't hate Schneider as much as some people and it's good to see so many big names involved with what is, essectially, pulp fare. It's just not a great JUDGE DREDD movie and that is, ultimately, a big black mark against it.

6/10

This Bluray plays  in the USA AND the UK - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Judge-Dredd-Blu-ray-US-Import/dp/B008C0C1Y8/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1348590005&sr=8-8

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

There's something within me that gets angry at me while I enjoy movies sometimes. Some small part of me that knows that I SHOULD know better. It tries to distract me with shame and inner turmoil and whispers of how inept I am. Even after all this time it still tries, despite knowing that it won't work. Especially while I watch something I enjoy as much as 2 Fast 2 Furious.

Following on, of course, from The Fast And The Furious comes this - a videogame in all but the formatting. But the videogames that it replicates are some of my favourites, the likes of GTA and Driver. This is the only reason I can give as to why I enjoy it so much.

To be fair, the cast is pretty good. Paul Walker returns as ex-cop Brian, and he's the star of the show (no Vin Diesel for this instalment), but he's ably supported by Tyrese Gibson (who is a LOT of fun), Eva Mendes, Cole Hauser, Thom Barry, James Remar, Devon Aoki, and a number of other good folks. And 'Ludacris'.

That videogame plot is summed up thus: Paul Walker and Tyrese Gibson are shown racing at different events before the action changes to an official police matter. Both men have to help the law get a charge to stick on their main baddie (Hauser) while racing around and avoiding being shot. That's it.

Michael Brandt and Derek Haas are the men who put their names to the screenplay here but it seems to me that they just squeezed in a few car chases in between guys saying "aaiiiiiiight" and "bro/bru" and plenty of cool handshakes and fistbumps. If you think I'm exaggerating then just monitor the dialogue for the first 20 minutes of the film. Aiiiight?

The cars look gorgeous, all pimped out and souped up, and the movie has a great energy as it barrels along from beginning to end. Many may dislike the editing, which is too hyperactive in places, but it fits in with that videogame aesthetic (the dialogue moments actually feel like "cutscenes" in between missions).

Director John Singleton may not be the most obvious choice for this kind of film but he handles it well and gives audiences a movie that won't disappoint those who know exactly what they want from the franchise - fast cars, simple language and a smattering of attractive women. Yep, you can happily switch your brain off as soon as you hear those engines being switched on.

7/10.

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Hellraiser: Inferno (2000).

The fifth instalment in the Hellraiser franchise is actually a return to form, a solid horror thanks to it’s mixing of the puzzle box ethos with a standard detective storyline. It may not be quite in the neo-noir mould but it comes close and is all the better for it.
 
Craig Sheffer (the guy you could rely on to play a rat bastard in the 80s if James Spader wasn’t available) plays Detective Joseph Thorne, a man who takes money from wallets he finds at crime scenes, has sex with hookers while his wife and daughter sleep at home and generally struts around like the cock of the walk. His partner, Detective Tony Nenonen (Nicholas Turturro), is his partner, he’s not a bad guy but he’s also not as smart as Thorne. When Thorne wakes up in a motel room beside a slaughtered hooker he drags his partner along to help him cover up any evidence that he was there. Something strange is going on. Something linked to a puzzle box and some underworld character known as The Engineer. Thorne is determined to catch this guy despite the warnings that if you hunt The Engineer, The Engineer ends up hunting you. Things get increasingly dark and insane as Thorne gets closer to his target.
 
Directed by Scott Derrickson, who also co-wrote the screenplay with Paul Harris Boardman, Hellraiser: Inferno does what the better Hellraiser movies do so well. Instead of aiming for the easy, cheap, slasher-style thrills that parts three and four went for it maintains itself as a movie aimed at adults. Yes, it has the gore and nastiness in there but it also has a certain intelligence and doesn’t feel the need to bring Pinhead onscreen every few minutes just to make a smartass comment.
 
The other big plus that the movie has is the cast. Sheffer is very good in the lead role, Turturro is okay as his partner and the great James Remar is the great James Remar. That covers the three main leads but all of the supporting players also do well.
 
The visuals, the dreamy horror, the new cenobite variations, all of these things are done justice and occasionally mix the sexual with the masochistic in a way close to the original two movies (especially the gruesome scene in which Sheffer is dreaming that he is being lusted over by two strange females).
 
It’s a real shame that people may miss this one because of how poor it’s predecessor is because Hellraiser: Inferno is one of the few sequels that actually deserves to be seen by fans of the franchise. Seek it out if you haven’t seen it already.  

7/10.

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