Prime Time: Primal Rage (1988)

You can be forgiven if you haven’t heard of Primal Rage before now. I certainly hadn’t heard of it until a friend messaged me about it just a few days ago. Then I wondered how it had stayed off my radar for so long. Perhaps it was the generic title, two words that feel as if they have been mashed together at least a dozen times for a dozen different movies (there’s certainly at least one more recent film with the exact same title). Perhaps it was the fact that the plot was buried by a certain other horror movie that used the same starting point to go in a wildly different direction.

There's a lab in which some monkeys are being tested with some kind of rage virus. One monkey escapes a cage and bites a man who is there trying to investigate the situation, and that starts off a chain of events that will lead to more people being attacked, and the virus spreading. Which is going to make the upcoming Halloween party quite a lively one.

Directed by Vittorio (son of Carlo) Rambaldi, making his feature debut, this is hugely entertaining nonsense. The runtime is a perfectly-paced 90 minutes (give or take), the characters are memorable enough to identify throughout, but not so good that you would mourn them if they succumbed to the effects of the virus, and there is a fun third act that brings all of the main characters together for a violent confrontation that shows off some more of the makeup and effects that have been utilised well throughout the rest of the film.

The script, written by Umberto Lenzi and James Justice (credited together as Harry Kirkpatrick), is as silly as you want it to be. Our hero is a bit smug, but the featured bullies (yes, there are Neanderthal bullies) are so despicable that you automatically keep rooting against them, and the two featured female leads are good enough to hold your attention.

Patrick Lowe and Mitch Watson play their roles in a way that makes you wish more charismatic performers were chosen (especially true in the case of Lowe, who is the nominal hero of the piece), but Cheryl Arutt and Sarah Buxton help to make things more watchable, and Doug Sloan is a great presence in the role of Lovejoy aka leader of the bullies. There’s also a fun turn from Bo Svenaon as Ethridge, an unethical scientist, and at least one fake monkey has a feature role in one of the most memorable scenes.

I had even more fun with this than I thought I would. It sets up the plot and characters briskly enough, leaving plenty of time to have fun with the main concept (as well as also having time to insert scenes with a sleazy professor being sleazy). Who would have thought that a film about rage-infected monkeys spreading a virus to unfortunate humans would be so good? 

7/10

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Prime Time: Nightmare Beach (1989)

Nightmare Beach starts with an execution, the execution of a biker named Diablo. He claims to have been set up, and also vows revenge. Skipping forward a year, it's Spring Break time in Miami. Two friends (Nicolas de Toth and Rawley Valverde) join in with the drinking and partying, but soon find their fun being spoiled by a number of inconvenient deaths. Yes, a mysterious biker is picking off a number of revellers, often killing them with a fatal dose of electicity. It's eventually up to Skip (De Toth) and a young woman named Gail (Sarah Buxton) to uncover the identity of the biker, and try to put an end to his killing spree.

Released in 1989, Nightmare Beach feels every bit like a film made much earlier in that decade. It has a bit more of a sheen to it, perhaps, but the pacing and characterisations already feel quite archaic (especially most of the moments involving Valverde, the kind of guy who enjoys telling a woman that smiling more would make her much prettier). Perhaps that didn't seem so obvious back when it was released, and there are a number of films from the end of the decade, and even the start of the '90s, that feel almost designed as quintessential slices of '80s cheese. It makes the film impossible to take seriously now, however, but also helps to make it a hugely entertaining experience.

With direction credited to Umberto Lenzi, although it seems to have actually been helmed by writer Harry Kirkpatrick (AKA James Justice), with Lenzi servind in an advisory capacity, this is a real bag of mixed treats. People looking for a quality classic horror can skip it just now and look for something else, but those of us in the mood for entertaining trash? This is a perfect pick.

De Toth, Valverde, and Buxton are a mixed trio of central performers. None are really memorable, but they're fine. Genre fans will have more fun with the "old guard" onscreen here. You have a small role for Michael Parks, and fun turns from Lance LeGault, as a reverend, and John Saxon, playing a tough cop who may or may not have something to hide. Luis Valderrama is a biker spoiling for a fight, and Yamilet Hidalgo makes quite an impression as his fiery girlfriend.

Despite the attempted mystery element, it's hard to care about the identity of the biker. What matters here are the death scenes, all of them surprisingly impressive and somehow managing to feel different from one another while often managing to use the same method of murder. The pacing is perfect, with deaths interspersed by moments of humour and gratuitous sequences like a wet t-shirt competition (hey, it's Spring Break), and there are enough enjoyable random diversions (e.g. the plot strand with the thief that plays out and then just... ends) that will soon lead you to realise that this is not a film concerned with a cohesive narrative that makes complete sense.

It's a fun time by the beach, that's all. Watch it when you're in the mood for sand, sex, and senseless murders committed by a vengeful biker.

7/10

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Today You Die (2005)

If you hate this movie then you'd better go and take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Because you, sir or madam, may have to admit that you're a racist. Maybe the ethnicity of the film displeases you. Maybe you're just put off because Steven Seagal is a successful black man in the action movie market. Of course, Seagal is not a black man (nor all that successful nowadays, is he?) but nobody remembered to tell him that when he decided to show his versatility in this dire action movie. It's a shame that a number of things couldn't have been changed and improved upon during the making of the film because the action scenes, when they occur, aren't actually all that bad and the plot of Seagal seeking out those who wronged him and putting things right almost reminds you of those enjoyably gritty early movies that all now seem like classics compared to his 21st century output.

The plot sees Seagal as a kindly thief who robs from criminals to distribute the wealth to the needy. He's kinda like Robin Hood. With a ponytail. And two extra chins. But this is all quite worrying for his good lady (Mari Morrow), who keeps having strange dreams and "psychic visions" that actually don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. So Seagal goes straight but, lo and behold, on a standard driving job he is forced to outrun the cops and struggle to survive when it turns out that he's mixed up in a lucrative robbery. Our man is apprehended and jailed, but not before he has managed to somehow hide $20 million. Never mind, in the space of a few scenes we get Seagal teaming up with Treach (who plays a crook named Ice Kool) and managing to escape in a surprisingly easily engineered scheme. Then it's time to kick ass in a number of unconnected moments, allow the movie to pretend that it has a depth and complexity in place of the laughs and confusion and head to a finale that may just let our hero get his justice, save the children of the world and prove to everyone, once again, that he is the slap-happy version of Jesus himself.

I won't pretend that most of this movie was something I could easily enjoy while it was on but as soon as the credits rolled and I began to think back through what I had just seen I couldn't help laughing and thinking of all the lazy mistakes throughout (usually with stunt doubles but the massive plot holes were also good for a giggle). This may be the fault of the script, by Kevin Moore, but it's probably not helped by the direction of Don E. FauntLeRoy, a man responsible for having the most annoying mix of upper- and lower-casing in his surname and also the third and fourth risible movies in the Anaconda franchise.

Seagal - he doesn't really know any better because he just keeps going as he always has. Treach is almost tolerable. Almost. Mia Morrow would have been fine if her character hadn't been so redundant and given such awful material to work with. Sarah Buxton is pretty bad, Nick Mancuso is terrible and only those with less screentime give better performances (Robert Miano and Kevin Tighe, in particular). Fans may be interested to know that Chloe Grace Moretz has a very small role but nothing that marks out her future potential.

Some decent action moments and a sprinkling of grit make you think this could end up similiar to the earlier movies in the Seagal filmography but, alas, it's not to be and we just get yet another stinker to add to the pile.

4/10.

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