Urban Justice (2007)

Steven Seagal is a motherfucking hardass. Oh, if you’ve seen one or two Seagal movies before this one then you’ll already know that he’s a hardass. But this movie goes to great lengths to prove that he’s a MOTHERFUCKING hardass. I think so, anyway. Because every other word in the script seemed to be “motherfucker” or “nigga”. Unlike real life, I don’t have a problem with these words being bandied about in a movie. Sadly, when those two words seem to make up half of the script then it signifies a bit of a problem. We get the fact that Seagal is a hardass and that a bunch of badass black guys are all gangsta ‘n’ shit and gonna get all up in his face but we get that fact within the first 15 minutes or so. The rest is just, well, laziness.

The plot this time is actually a decent one – Seagal is back in town to find out who shot his son. He doesn’t care about anything else, he just wants his revenge and that’s it. Oh, he’ll punch and kick anyone who gets in his way but it’s not personal. That's it.

It's a shame that the script is so lousy here because, in many other respects, this is one of the better Seagal movies that has appeared in the first decade of the 21st century. It has some decent actors, including Eddie Griffin and Danny Trejo (though the latter has little more than a cameo role, sadly), a budget that makes the film look like it cost more than all three of his previous movies put together and a nice grittiness that's reminiscent of the leading man's earlier movies.

Director Don E. FauntLeRoy keeps things moving along and throws enough action into the mix to keep fans happy. We are all well aware that Seagal is well past his prime but he throws a few moves together that make him look believeable tough and . . . . . . . . . . . like a motherfucking hardass. The effort, at least, is appreciated.

Gilmar Fortis II gets the blame for the script. Oh, there have been many terrible scripts written for Seagal but the annoying thing about this film is that it didn't have to have a terrible script. The storyline makes sense. It's simple and action-packed. That's why it's more annoying when the dialogue is full of Seagal being "down with the kids" and gangstas being gangsta with each other, for the sake of just being gangsta, dog. Aaaaiiiight. If you think it's laughable to see me try to act all tough and urban in written word form then just wait until you see Seagal doing his thing onscreen.

Having said that, this is still a lot less painful than you would expect it to be.

5/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Urban-Justice-DVD-Region-NTSC/dp/B000VECACQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1327065338&sr=8-1

Mercenary For Justice (2006)

You know this kind of movie, you've seen it a number of times before. A bunch of people (this time they're led by Buddha Christ Theresa himself, Steven Seagal) have to do a job for someone they don't really want to work for. It's a dirty business that they're in and rules get broken while blood gets shed. But remember this one thing, these are the good guys - even when they have to do some lawbreaking. That's the basic outline of Mercenary For Justice, another in a long line of Seagal stinkers that ended up being available on the bargain shelves of your local movie rental emporium. Sadly, you don't actually care about anyone onscreen and that's why this film just doesn't work even half as well as the many that it attempts to copy.

Director Don E. FauntLeRoy returns to traumatise audiences with horribly lazy and shambolic work, this time using a script by Steve Collins and a whole host of uncredited folk (including, unsurprisingly enough, Seagal himself), and he makes something even worse than Today You Die but keeps things moving briskly enough to keep just ahead of the very worst films that have featured his wooden star.

The cast are a real mixed bag. Seagal is as he always is. Luke Goss does surprisingly well with a standard "baddie" role. Jacqueline Lord is okay, Roger Guenveur Smith does his very best to eradicate the goodwill gained by his small role in Final Destination (the last thing I remember him from though he has quite an extensive filmography), Michael Kenneth Williams almost gets out of the whole thing with his dignity intact and Adrian Galley is on hand to be big and full of muscle - job done.

The action isn't all that great but the standard fakery and one-upmanship that this kind of movie utilises is present and correct. It's all quite predictable and very easy to follow but it does help keep things mildly entertaining as things move from a frantic and unbelievable beginning to a frantic and unbelievable finale. Seagal fans still have nothing here to reward their long-term support of the man but at least this isn't one of his very worst.

4/10.

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Today You Die (2005)

If you hate this movie then you'd better go and take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Because you, sir or madam, may have to admit that you're a racist. Maybe the ethnicity of the film displeases you. Maybe you're just put off because Steven Seagal is a successful black man in the action movie market. Of course, Seagal is not a black man (nor all that successful nowadays, is he?) but nobody remembered to tell him that when he decided to show his versatility in this dire action movie. It's a shame that a number of things couldn't have been changed and improved upon during the making of the film because the action scenes, when they occur, aren't actually all that bad and the plot of Seagal seeking out those who wronged him and putting things right almost reminds you of those enjoyably gritty early movies that all now seem like classics compared to his 21st century output.

The plot sees Seagal as a kindly thief who robs from criminals to distribute the wealth to the needy. He's kinda like Robin Hood. With a ponytail. And two extra chins. But this is all quite worrying for his good lady (Mari Morrow), who keeps having strange dreams and "psychic visions" that actually don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. So Seagal goes straight but, lo and behold, on a standard driving job he is forced to outrun the cops and struggle to survive when it turns out that he's mixed up in a lucrative robbery. Our man is apprehended and jailed, but not before he has managed to somehow hide $20 million. Never mind, in the space of a few scenes we get Seagal teaming up with Treach (who plays a crook named Ice Kool) and managing to escape in a surprisingly easily engineered scheme. Then it's time to kick ass in a number of unconnected moments, allow the movie to pretend that it has a depth and complexity in place of the laughs and confusion and head to a finale that may just let our hero get his justice, save the children of the world and prove to everyone, once again, that he is the slap-happy version of Jesus himself.

I won't pretend that most of this movie was something I could easily enjoy while it was on but as soon as the credits rolled and I began to think back through what I had just seen I couldn't help laughing and thinking of all the lazy mistakes throughout (usually with stunt doubles but the massive plot holes were also good for a giggle). This may be the fault of the script, by Kevin Moore, but it's probably not helped by the direction of Don E. FauntLeRoy, a man responsible for having the most annoying mix of upper- and lower-casing in his surname and also the third and fourth risible movies in the Anaconda franchise.

Seagal - he doesn't really know any better because he just keeps going as he always has. Treach is almost tolerable. Almost. Mia Morrow would have been fine if her character hadn't been so redundant and given such awful material to work with. Sarah Buxton is pretty bad, Nick Mancuso is terrible and only those with less screentime give better performances (Robert Miano and Kevin Tighe, in particular). Fans may be interested to know that Chloe Grace Moretz has a very small role but nothing that marks out her future potential.

Some decent action moments and a sprinkling of grit make you think this could end up similiar to the earlier movies in the Seagal filmography but, alas, it's not to be and we just get yet another stinker to add to the pile.

4/10.

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