Expend4bles (2023)

If there was ever a prime modern movie example of nominative determinism then I suggest you can find it here, where a fourth Expendables movie has been co-written by someone named Tad Daggerhart. He sounds like he should BE one of The Expendables, never mind writing their adventures. And, judging by this mess, maybe he could have improved things.

This is another film in which Sylvester Stallone leads a team of tough guys on a dangerous mission. Except he sort of doesn’t. So it is a film in which Jason Statham is put front and centre as the new leader. Except he sort of isn’t. So it’s up to Megan Fox to be sexy and badass, which she sort of . . . you get the picture. Nothing here works, nothing, and any further attempt to summarize the plot would simply give you false hope. Let’s just all be clear that this is a film that starts with Stallone getting his tough mate to confront and beat up a bar full of guys because he lost his ring in a gambling session. It wasn’t stolen. He wasn’t duped. He got drunk and sloppy, lost his precious ring, and now storms back in like some kid who has made up a story about another kid he wants to see cry when his dad gives him a telling off.

As well as Daggerhart, this mess was co-written by Kurt Wimmer (who at least did much better with Statham on his most recent film, The Beekeeper) and Max Adams. I am not sure if they had much freedom with the writing, a lot of these movies seem to be plotted around the stars and their screen presence, but they have to now shoulder the blame nonetheless.

The direction from Scott Waugh doesn’t help. Waugh has a few films under his belt now, none of them are particularly great, but few are as bad as this, and he seems unable to do the best with any material he is given. His best asset here is the cast, because he also has Tony Jaa and Iko Uwais at his disposal, but they are almost uniformly wasted.

Sly does what Sly always does, even if he steps back this time around to let others take more of the strain and the bruises, and Statham is as dependable as ever when he is given a decent amount of screentime. That is the big problem though. A whole host of people are here, with none of them getting to do anything truly worthwhile. Jaa is wasted, Uwais is wasted, Fox is wasted. Dolph Lundgren? Levy Tran? Andy Garcia? All wasted. But at least there’s time for Randy Coutoure and Jacob Scipio to have some unfunny and unwanted banter together, and 50 Cent gets to be part of the team long enough to be involved in a scene that creates a diversion using . . . a 50 Cent song.

I have enjoyed all of these movies, to some degree, and I am quite easily pleased. Not to offend a large group of people, but I think the majority of those who lapped up the blend of nostalgia and action presented in this concept are generally as easy to please as myself. This doesn’t please anyone though. It seems to forget the main reason why anyone would want to see an Expendables movie, which is a real shame. Easily the worst of the lot, and I hope they stop now before figuring out some way to hit a new low.

3/10

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Netflix And Chill: Triple Threat (2019)

Sometimes you want to settle down to the sit and brilliance of the Coen brothers. Sometimes you want to dive back into a comforting horror favourite. Sometimes you have some laughs with Buster Keaton. Cinema is there for you, whatever you want to do. Even if you want to spend over half of your waking day with someone like Lav Diaz or Béla Tarr. And sometimes you just want to watch skilled people kick each other in the face. If you're in the mood for the latter, Triple Threat is an option for you.

Directed by Jesse V. Johnson (who has helmed a number of enjoyable action flicks, one of the best being Accident Man), this is the tale of some people with big guns raiding a prisoner encampment in Thailand to free prisoners. The mission is a cover, however, and the people actually want to free their criminal leader, Collins (Scott Adkins). Once free, his group are then out to kill Tian Xiao Xian (Celina Jade), a wealthy woman who wants to use her wealth to battle corruption and crime. One thing leads to another, enemies become allies, people are used as bait, and the film eventually becomes a battle between one team (Adkins, Michael Jai White, Michael Bisping, and Jeeja Yanin) and another (Xiao Xian, Tony Jaa, Iko Uwais, and Tiger Chen).

Based on an idea by Chen, developing a movie that didn't come to fruition, this was then written by Joey O'Bryan, with Fangjin Song, Jian Huang, Sheldon Pang, and Lei Yan all credited as co-writers, as well as some additional work from Paul Staheli, it's amazing to think a) that so many people worked on the script for this, and b) this was the best they could come up with. Because this is a mess in places, with the first half moving between flashbacks and different moments that have no feeling of just how much time has passed. What could have been a decent framework, with the opening salvo, betrayals, and seemingly fluid loyalties, is instead turned into something that feels burdensome to a film that should have stripped everything else back in favour of making the most of the action stars in the cast.

Thankfully, the action/fight scenes are worth your time. Jaa, Chen, and Uwais may be relative superstars to those who want full-on fights that look as if they were put together with blood, sweat, and tears, but Adkins and White are no layabouts, and both of them are easy favourites of mine when it comes to modern action movies of this ilk (both having great presence AND the appearance of being able to handle themselves against crowds of unwitting henchmen). Bisping and Yanin are the lesser-known names, but both do well, and Jade is perfectly okay as the woman who finds herself in the middle of an absolute maelstrom of gunfire and hand to hand combat.

The cast list alone will be enough to attract anyone hankering for some enjoyable action that goes a step or two beyond what you would see in most glossy blockbusters, and there's enough here to justify choosing this for a weekend watch. It's just a shame that the non-fight scenes are so bad. That's something you can say about many action movies, and it's something that action movie fans are happy to put up with while they are at least getting GREAT fights, but I still think that this particular assembled cast could have been better served by a script that figured out how to pack in even more stuntwork within a much flimsier connective storyline.

Good stuff, but feel free to ask anyone (including myself) for better films that feature any of these stars doing what they do best. I guarantee you that asking the right people will get you at least 20 recommendations of films much better than this. At least.

6/10

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Monster Hunter (2020)

It's almost as if the way in which some people are easily pleased, and the way in which some people will tolerate any crap that is accessible enough, has created a monster in modern movie-making. And that monster is Paul W. S. Anderson. I'm exaggerating, of course, but not by much. Because Anderson has tended to make films that have allowed him to keep making films, and that has allowed him to assume that he's been doing something right. Which ensures that he has never attempted to correct any of his bad habits, with the two worst being his over-reliance on CGI and his inability to hold a shot for more than five seconds. I can overlook these things easier when I can still find enough to enjoy in his films, as is the case with the Resident Evil movies. It's a lot tougher in a movie like this.

Thankfully, or perhaps not (depending on your view), he keeps casting his wife, Milla Jovovich, in his movies, and that guarantees I will watch them. I like Jovovich. She's not the best actress ever, but she often does very well at being a strong and sexy heroine. Here she plays Artemis, a strong and sexy heroine. So the movie has that going for it.

Artemis is with a group of fellow soldiers when the group is transported to another world, one in which giant monsters can pop up out of the earth and pick off humans like scampering ants. There's also a character named Hunter (Tony Jaa) in this world, and it's not long until Artemis and Hunter start to work together in order to survive against the dangerous creatures around them.

That's really all there is to Monster Hunter, a film so light on plot that I am amazed it has a runtime of just over an hour and forty minutes. Although I am unfamiliar with the videogame source material, and others can judge for themselves if this is a good adaptation or not, Monster Hunter seems to have nothing else really going for it, cinematically. As usual, Anderson wants to provide some slo-mo action overstuffed with CGI (to be fair, the actual creature design here is very good) and wants to allow Jovovich to kick ass. He does that. He just does nothing else, and that includes creating a world that feels as if it expands beyond the perimeters of any screen edges.

Jovovich is sadly disappointing in the lead role, less convincing than usual and hindered by a weak script. Jaa fares slightly better, developing nicely as he and Jovovich learn from one another. There are some other people onscreen, but the only one of note is Ron Perlman, who is wasted in his small role.

A real waste of time, for both viewers and the people involved, this is infuriatingly horrible for almost every minute. Characters are thinner than rice paper, the plotting is lazy and careless (one of those scripts that you can easily imagine was written by an impatient child), and it fails to do what Anderson has sometimes managed with his other movies, which is to provide mindless and enjoyable entertainment that is best accompanied by popcorn and fizzy drinks. 

3/10

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xXx: Return Of Xander Cage (2017)

Taking a leaf from the later instalments of the Fast & Furious franchise, this third film in the xXx series gives the lead role back to Vin Diesel, as you may have guessed from the title, and surrounds him with a bit of an all-star cast of people who bring various specialist skills to the table.

Xander Cage (Diesel) is asked to help once again when the world is endangered, this time by a group of people who have stolen a device that can control weather satellites. The danger of the situation is made apparent when one such satellite is sent on a crash course to Earth. Reluctant to help "the man", represented this time by Jane Marke (Toni Collette), Cage eventually agrees to do what he does best, on one condition; he gets to pick his team. It's not long until they're facing off against a group of equally talented fighters, but who are the real villains at work?

Directed by D. J. Caruso, xXx: Return Of Xander Cage has three major elements working in its favour. First of all, Caruso himself does well at the helm, working from a fun script by F. Scott Frazier that perfectly blends laughs and enjoyable action set-pieces. I've liked pretty much everything I have seen directed by Caruso, and this keeps his track record consistent for me.

Second, the tone of this is just perfect. The first two xXx movies tried to show that they were working with tongue in cheek, yet it never quite worked, and I think that's because at the heart of each storyline was a hero who wasn't ever really seen to be in on the joke. Diesel, in this instance, has more fun as he gets to play up the legend of his character while bantering with others who share his sense of recklessness, and that works really well.

Third, the cast. Diesel may not be the best thespian around but he knows how to strut around onscreen like someone with such a big ego, even when he's interacting with martial arts stars like Donnie Yen and Tony Jaa (who both get some decent onscreen moments, and I was impressed by how much screentime Yen actually got). Collette is fine as the suit in charge, Nina Dobrev is a lot of fun as the tech support worker who gets flustered around our hero, and Deepika Padukone, Ruby Rose, Kris Wu, and Rory McCann are all good additions to the series, either individually or thanks to how they are teamed up with others.

It may have been a high benchmark to exceed, but it's still surprising just how much more entertaining this film is compared to the two that preceded it. It is, in a way, exactly how this series should have been working from the very beginning. If you disliked the other films then still give this one a try. If you enjoyed the other films, albeit to varying degrees, then definitely check this one out. By the time you get past the main opening sequences (one involving Neymar, one involving a daring raid, and one involving Diesel jumping and skating around at breakneck speeds) then you will know what you have let yourself in for, and you will probably already be grinning.

7/10.

The Bluray is available here.
Americans can buy it here.

Ong-bak (2003)

Action movies are great, aren't they? Okay, you can wade through a LOT of rubbish to find the gems, and I'd say that a rubbish action movie is often less entertaining than a rubbish horror movie, but when you discover an exciting new talent it's usually in an exciting new film. Which is what happened when Tony Jaa arrived on our screens in the punchy-kicky-bruise-fest known as Ong-bak. This wasn't the first movie that Jaa had starred in, but it was his first major leading role, his breakout film, and rightly so.

The head of a statue is stolen from a village and the locals are most distressed. The statue is something they look after in order for it to bless them with good fortune. It's a very important piece. Ting (Jaa) volunteers to head to the city to retrieve it, and that's when his troubles start, as he ends up unwittingly entering a building that pits fighters against one another, while spectators bet on who will still be victorious.

Ong-bak isn't really the kind of film that lends itself to standard criticism. Do I pick apart the script by Suphachai Sittiaumponpan or comment on the shot choices made by director Prachya Pinkaew? Do I weigh up the lead actor against the solid support from Petchtai Wongmalao, Pumwaree Yodkamol and everyone else onscreen?

No. I tell people that this is, once it gets going, just a brilliant, brutal action movie that showcases the skills of Jaa. He jumps through stuff, he runs, he jumps through more stuff. And when people get in his way he ends up causing some serious pain using his feet, hands, elbows and any body part that he can cause pain with.

There are only two main negatives to this movie. First of all, the first third of the movie seems a bit slow, but that's partly down to just how brilliant and action-packed the second half of the movie is. Second, once you've seen Tony Jaa in action it's hard to take any threat against him seriously. He's not invulnerable, far from it, but you can't help but feel sorry for everyone who tries to give him trouble.

Action movie fans should already be well aware of this film. If you somehow missed it, rectify that immediately.

8/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ong-Bak-Disc-Special-Collectors/dp/B0009VK74E/ref=sr_1_2?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1395261533&sr=1-2&keywords=ong-bak