Beyond The Rave (2008)

Remember when Hammer tried to take Dracula and place him into modern times? They tried their best, bless them, but the end results were poor, and seem much more dated today than any of their movies set in a yesteryear full of quaint villages, bustling taverns and aristocrats lording over local commoners. I mention those movies because this movie, from the reborn Hammer, suffers from, essentially, the same fate.

It's a vampire film, with the vampires all setting up a big rave to catch all of their victims. Among the potential victims are Ed (Jamie Dornan), a young man about to head off for active service in Iraq the next day, and his girlfriend, Jen (Nora-Jane Noone). There are also some hard gangster types (led by movie bruiser Tamer Hassan) about to get way out of their depth.

Originally released as a series of webisodes, Beyond The Rave never shakes off the feeling that it's a number of scenes stitched together with very little thought given to the overall storyline. The fact that the movie still contains the episode numbering, appearing every few minutes, doesn't help, but there's also a real lack of logic throughout, a few characters who appear and disappear at random, and a third act that's very hard to care about, thanks to the mix of derivative moments and sheer stupidity.

The acting isn't that great, although anyone expecting Tamer Hassan to do anything other than act tough and spit out expletives really shouldn't be looking in this direction anyway, but it's far from the worst aspect. Dornan and Noone make for decent leads, Matthew Forrest is likable enough as Necro, their friend, and Sebastian Knapp is stuck portraying his vampire character in the bored, moping style. Sadie Frost has a cameo, but makes a great impression with her memorable scene, Steve Sweeney is okay as one of the other hard men tagging along with Hassan, and the rest of the cast simply pop in and out of the screen without making much of an impression.

Viewers will be unsurprised to find out that director Matthias Hoene followed this up with (the much more enjoyable) Cockneys Vs. Zombies. Thankfully, with that movie he had a much better script. Writers Jon Wright and Tom Grass really drop the ball here, apparently just content to rip off the opening sequence of Blade and fill out the rest of the movie with random moments that obviously seemed a good idea while they were struggling to stretch their weak material to feature length. Prime example, an old vampire who spends his time getting stoned and talking to ravers who bump into him in the woods could end up interesting or laughable, but instead just ends up being another diversion. If his character had a decent resolution then I must have blinked and missed it. As far as I'm aware, he just disappeared after his two main scenes.

There are some decent tunes in the soundtrack, some sexy female vamps, a few decent bits of gore, and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . well, actually, that's about it. It's not quite among the very worst vampire movies out there, because there are a lot of cheap vampire movies that are SO bad, but it's not really worth your time either.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Beyond-Rave-DVD-Jamie-Dornan/dp/B003OUV1K6/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1393891671&sr=1-1&keywords=beyond+the+rave

Cockneys Vs Zombies (2012)

I'm sure that there are many people who heard the title of this movie and rolled their eyes in disbelief and/or disapproval. I, as some people might have guessed, grinned and rubbed my hands in anticipation. I knew exactly what to expect and I only hoped that the film could deliver. Well, it certainly comes close.

Cockneys Vs Zombies is a horror comedy that sees a zombie epidemic happening in London, as you could have probably inferred from the title. While the undead are rising and biting people who are then going on to bite other people and so on and so forth, a couple of young lads (Harry Treadaway and Rasmus Hardiker) are embarking on a foolhardy bank robbery to save the nursing home that provides a permanent residence for their dear old granddad (Alan Ford) and his friends (including Richard Briers, Honor Blackman and a few other familiar faces). The old folk are soon struggling to keep their nursing home zombie-free while, slowly but surely, the bank robbers grasp the horror of the situation and come up with a plan to rescue granddad.

Directed by Matthias Hoene, and written by James Moran and Lucas Roche, Cockneys Vs Zombies sets out to be bloody good fun from start to finish. It's full of energy, there are a number of fun lines and references to other movies and many of the characters are people that you don't mind spending some time with. Sadly, there are so many ways in which everything could have been tweaked just a little bit to make it even better.

One major tweak would have seen Michelle Ryan replaced. She plays a lock-picking cousin of the bank robbers and she goes along with them on the job, as well as Jack Doolan and Ashley Basy Thomas - the former being a bit dopey but with information that should help the robbery go smoothly while the latter is absolutely mental but has access to lots and lots of weaponry. Now, I don't hate Michelle Ryan and I think she's alright. I've nothing REALLY against the girl except for the fact that there are many better actresses out there and if she was picked just to bring some glamour to the film there are many prettier actresses out there. I have an idea that she was just picked for the role because she matched the required criteria AND had appeared in Eastenders and that just makes me a bit sad. If you think I'm wrong in picking her as a weak link in the movie then just watch for her delivery of a punchline that references a well-known Indiana Jones line and then see how you feel. The rest of the cast do very well. Harry Treadaway (who, along with his twin brother Luke, is trying to appear in every half-decent Britflick ever) and Rasmus Hardiker are a likeable duo while Tony Gardner and Georgia King play two very different hostages from the bank robbery now caught up in the middle of the zombie epidemic. Alan Ford is great, as is Richard Briers, and Honor Blackman does well with her limited screentime.

The other suggested tweaks involve a bit more time to polish every line in the script, more opportunities to create enjoyable moments such as the two standouts featuring Richard Briers (who is involved in one of the slowest zombie chase sequences that you will ever see and then later gets to show what he can do with an Uzi attached to his walking frame) and the removal of a subplot about a crooked developer shifting his money. Yes, that allows for the bank robbery to give the lads a bigger payoff but in the world of the movies it's easy enough to believe that all banks hold millions of pounds in their safes anyway so that felt like an added story strand with very little, or no, relevance.

There are quite a few good gore gags throughout and horror fans should enjoy most of the FX work but there are also some weaker gags that are given more attention than they deserve (I'm thinking of one scene, in particular, accompanied by the song "I Predict A Riot") so it's a shame that the movie couldn't have contained even more of the former while removing the latter.

Hmmm, I feel that I've spent most of this review criticising Cockneys Vs Zombies too harshly, which was never my intention. It's a good, fun, film. In fact, it's perfect post-pub entertainment and provides enough laughs to make repeat viewings likely. I'm going to buy it for myself and I encourage others to give it a go, despite the criticisms that I've just listed. You may just be surprised and find yourself having a good time.

6/10

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