For It Is Man's Number

Sunday, 26 July 2026

Netflix And Chill: Fathers & Daughters (2015)

I am not surprised that Fathers & Daughters was written by someone, Brad Desch, who has no other screenplay credits to his name. It feels very basic in the way the predictable storyline is plotted, and ultimately relies on the talent of the two main stars. What is more surprising is the fact that director Gabriele Muccino is no newcomer. He's done a number of movies in a very similar vein, and a number of his previous films are much better than this one.

Russell Crowe plays Jake Davis, a writer and a loving father who loses his wife in a car crash that also leaves him with some health issues that impact his everyday life. He's also now the single parent of young Katie (Kylie Rogers), but there are other people who don't think that is the best situation for both of them. In the here and now, viewers get to see Katie (now played by Amanda Seyfried) making her way through life, her father absent for reasons to become clear before the end credits roll, and making her way through a number of one-night stands. Until she meets Cameron (Aaron Paul). Happiness may be belatedly coming back into her life, but will she be able to deal with it?

If you like Seyfried and Paul then this movie should work for you. They both try hard to compensate for the weak material with performances that deserve a better movie around them. Crowe, on the other hand, settles into a performance that makes use of far too many familiar "ACTOR" tricks, whether he's angrily defending his ability to look after his young daughter or dealing with the problematic tremors afflicting him post-accident. Diane Kruger is disappointingly underused, but Bruce Greenwood excels as her partner, and the man who has the money and willingness to be diplomatic in offering to welcome young Katie as a permanent resident of their home, and it's good to have Octavia Spencer, Quvenzhané Wallis, and Jane Fonda doing well enough with their limited screentime to make it easier to enjoy things in between moments that have Crowe overdoing things.

Things are quite jarring when you move between watching scenes with a main character as an innocent young girl and then scenes in which she's a woman using sex as some band-aid for a deep well of pain, but the rest of the film is very standard and manipulative stuff. Desch seems to have spent less time writing a full screenplay and more time stringing together a whole load of dialogue and moments he's picked from many superior movies, Muccino thinks that he can rely on his cast to lift everything out of the doldrums, and the cast are too restricted by the material. There are intermittent highlights for fans of the supporting players, but not enough to make this more worthy of your time ahead of at least a hundred other melodramas that people could recommend to you.

4/10

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Saturday, 25 July 2026

Shudder Saturday: Saccharine (2026)

Although I had forgotten her name, it turns out that writer-director Natalie Erika James is someone I have been following throughout her full feature career. Her first film (Relic) worked well with an interesting premise that she handled quite well. Her second film (Apartment 7A) couldn't move beyond the restrictions of it being a prequel to a very well-known horror classic. And now we have Saccharine, which is her best yet. I think I need to go back now and check out the short films that she made between 2011 and 2018, if they're available. The completist in me would be very pleased.

Midori Francis stars here as Hana, a medical student who has her life changed one day when she is offered a new "miracle" diet pill. Examining it to find out the ingredients, Hana soon discovers that it contains human ashes. It seems to work though, which leads Hana to attempt to make her own. She soon finds out that using part of a human body to make a diet supplement can affect more than just your appetite.

Taking things to a horror movie extreme, Saccharine is an obvious warning against putting things into your body in the search for a "quick fix". It's also an exploration of the various daily interactions, and personal baggage, that can contribute to insecurity and confusion, which can then lead to a chain reaction of bad decisions. It's a funny coincidence that I watched this while I am currently reading a book titled Butter (by Asako Yuzuki), which I recommend to those interested in the themes being explored here.

Both Danielle Macdonald and Madeleine Madden do very well in their supporting roles here, and there are others involved in one or two key scenes, but this feels very much like a film resting on the shoulders of Francis, and she acquits herself superbly. Even as her behaviour becomes more erratic and dangerous, Hana remains someone you can root for and like. That's as much to do with the performance from Francis as it is to do with the writing that allows her to become an unwitting victim of whatever is now controlling her appetite.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and viewpoint when it comes to movies, of course, but I would say that the many comments I have seen referring to this as a body horror didn't feel right. There is an element of that, I guess, considering how the main character views herself, and the journey that she goes on, but this is more of a straightforward bit of spookiness, and all the better for it. There are a number of scenes that will feel very familiar to those who appreciate their J-horrors, and everything leads slowly but surely to a brilliantly dark and extreme finale.

Benjamin Morgan and Charlie Sarroff are credited with the cinematography, both doing work that deserves to be praised here, and Hannah Peel also needs singled out for her interesting and breathy soundscape. In fact, it's hard for me to think of any one element here that doesn't work well. Saccharine is easily one of my favourite horrors of the year, and it's already been such a good year for the genre.

9/10

Friday, 24 July 2026

Minions And Monsters (2026)

I have heard some people recently wonder just who Minions And Monsters is for. It takes the well-liked animated characters and puts them in a film packed with jokes and references to the entire history of cinema. Personally, I think many younger viewers will still enjoy the jokes for the simple silliness of the minions, but if there's one specific demographic being catered for then I'd have to say . . . it's me.

Bookended by scenes that show people wandering around a movie studio and being given information by a tour guide (Allison Janney), this starts off with familiar scenes from the past showing us the minions seeking the most appropriate horrible master to serve. Things don't go to plan, as ever, and the minions end up gate-crashing a movie production in the 1920s. Their anarchy and energy leads to them becoming major movie stars, but that stardom, as happened with people in real life, is threatened by the advent of sound becoming a fixture of movies. Maybe the minions can boost their careers by making a great monster movie. Especially when they have a powerful book of spells to help them create a proper monster.

I am absolutely aware of the fact that my opinion here may run contrary to so many others, but this is easily the best minions movie yet (and there have been a lot of fun adventures featuring these small and servile "crash test dummies"). The animation throughout it wonderful, the plotting and pacing are both perfect for the 90-minute runtime, and writer-director Pierre Coffin continues to excel as the main vocal performer, and the expert on speaking the cute gibberish that is Minionese.

Coffin is joined in the writing duties by Brian Lynch (who has worked on a number of these movies, including the almost equally good Minions). Both of them seem to relish a chance to add some mayhem and cute catastrophes to iconic movie moments, and it helps that the animated form allows for a whole heap of wonderful cameos and caricatures.

It's not just all down to the writing, direction, and voice work of Coffin though. There's a fantastic mix of other celebrities willing to lend their voices to the onscreen silliness, from Janney to Christoph Waltz (a director who feels very much based on the likes of Otto Preminger, Josef von Sternberg, etc), Jeff Bridges (two powerful studio execs) to Zoey Deutch (Debbie), as well as Trey Parker (a cute monster) and Jesse Eisenberg (a cute robot named Dort).

Whatever the joke, whether it's the standard silliness or something a bit smarter, Minions And Monsters always feels as if it has been made with care and genuine love for cinema. Every main sequence has at least one fantastic homage, and many squeeze in multiple references without feeling as if the film is losing any energy or momentum. I know that some will keep wondering how this is supposed to be aimed at children who won't be aware of most of the references, but I think they'll still have fun with everything on a surface level, and will hopefully develop a sense of curiosity that will actually make it a lot easier to introduce them to a lot of classic cinema in non-animated form.

9/10

Thursday, 23 July 2026

The Invite (2026)

I have really enjoyed hearing Olivia Wilde on the publicity trail for her latest directorial outing, The Invite. There have been some interviews that have allowed her to address some of the unfair misogyny and commentary that she received during the PR rounds for her last feature, but most interviews have just allowed her to celebrate her latest work, and appreciate the fact that many others have also already been celebrating it. Wilde has also been admirably open about this being based on a previous film, Sentimental, written and directed by Cesc Gay, adapting his own stage play to the screen. And she's not the only one to be drawn to the material. Sentimental has been remade and retitled in countries such as France, Italy, Switzerland, and South Korea, and there may be more still to come.

The premise is quite simple. An unhappily-married couple (Angela and Joe, played by Wilde and Seth Rogen) are about to host a small dinner party for their upstairs neighbours (Hawk and Piña, played by Edward Norton and Penélope Cruz). Joe would like to mention how often they can hear Hawk and Piña having enthusiastic and noisy sex, but Angela doesn't want any difficult conversations or disagreements. Hawk, on the other hand, seems to relish full and refreshing honesty. And there's plenty to be honest about, if only everyone is willing to be brave enough to speak out.

This incarnation of the tale is written by Will McCormack and Rashida Jones, with a decent amount of improvisation and development from the actors, and everyone works together to make the most of what should be a lean and fun four-hander. The 107-minute runtime certainly zips by, and I did enjoy a couple of the lead performances.

A four-hander really needs all four leads to be delivering top-notch turns though, and this film only delivers half of what I was expecting. Wilde remains a very savvy and skilled director, and does well to keep the apartment setting feeling intimate without it getting claustrophobic (apart from one or two moments that want to get even closer to some of the main characters), but I didn't view her performance here as anything special. She's fine, but it never felt like any kind of stretch, and perhaps she's not helped by the fact that she's given herself the least interesting of the four roles. Seth Rogen gets to stretch even less, basically doing his usual Seth Rogen schtick, but in the form of a semi-responsible husband. Thankfully, both Norton and Cruz are great. Anyone who has seen Death To Smoochy will already know how good Norton can be with comedy (he was also great in Birdman), and he easily gets one or two of the biggest laughs here, but Cruz is the highlight, mixing her sexy persona with cutting insights and commentary that often make others uncomfortable as they're faced with a big truth they spent ages trying to avoid.

I'm very much in the minority here, but this just didn't work for me as I hoped it would. Loving two performances out of the four isn't enough, nor is the approximate success rate of the lines that actually made me laugh. That's a simple measurement for a comedy, whether something broad or something more sophisticated, and The Invite sadly didn't tickle my funny bone.

It's well-made, there are one or two very good moments (mainly in the third act), and there's very good use of a Sade song in a key scene, but all of that isn't enough to make me rate this as something barely above average. Norton and Cruz save the whole thing. I'd love to watch their characters in a better vehicle.

6/10

Wednesday, 22 July 2026

Prime Time: Whistle (2025)

There are many fine examples of whistling throughout the horror genre. Okay, there's one, but it's one that casts a mighty shadow. That one is the great M. R. James tale, adapted a number of times (most notably with Michael Hordern in the lead role). And now we have Whistle, a film based around an Aztec death whistle. It causes very bad things to happen to anyone who hears it being blown. You would think that the easiest thing to do would be to just not blow it, but then we'd have no movie.

Written by Owen Egerton and directed by Corin Hardy, two people who should already be known to horror fans, this is a teen horror movie interested in doing nothing more than being a teen horror movie. It's not very good, but it at least clears the low bar that it sets for itself.

A group of students end up in possession with a skull-shaped whistle. They soon find out that anyone who hears it ends up dying, but not in a normal way. They are actually visited by an apparition of their future selves, and die in the way they were due to die in the future. And so begins a race against time, the teens eventually realising what is happening and then trying to figure out if there's a way to stop it.

The screenplay is the problem here. Egerton has a fun idea, but doesn't do enough to make the most of it. This should have been full of impressive set-pieces, blood and gore thrown around in lieu of any proper scares, but it's a disappointingly bloodless affair, for the most part. The one major highlight just serves to remind viewers of how weak the rest of the film is. It doesn't help that none of the characters are very interesting, not even the leads (played by Dafne Keen and Sophie Nélisse), and also doesn't help that the cast give such flat performances.

Neither Keen nor Nélisse manage to feel like the best casting choices here, but the same can be said of almost everyone in the cast, from Sky Yang and Jhaleil Swaby to Ali Skovbye and Percy Hynes White. Even the "star cameo" from Nick Frost feels like a role that could have had someone better there (perhaps someone with more of a presence in the horror genre).

I am happy to enjoy some dumb fun, not every film needs to be layered and deep. I expected to be an easy mark for Whistle. It's a shame that it couldn't do better when it comes to the simple pleasures I was hoping for. Considering how forgiving I often am, or am often accused of being, the fact that I can't even bring myself to rate this as anything more than average should serve as a warning to those who are a bit more discerning with their viewing choices. It should still just about work for those wanting a slick and mindless distraction for 100 minutes though.

5/10

Tuesday, 21 July 2026

The Odyssey (2026)

An epic tale requiring an epic runtime. A non-linear narrative structure. A cast more stacked than the latest attempt from Marvel to win back their fanbase. It must be a Christopher Nolan movie.

When it comes to classic tales of heroism and overcoming overwhelming odds, it's hard to understate the enduring impact of the hefty poetic work by Homer, one of the oldest surviving works of literature. If you're ever stuck on a desert island then you just need this book, The Bible, and the works of Shakespeare, and you have the seeds of every main story ever told

I'm not going to insult people by providing a summary of the plot. Nor will I work through each individual cast member. It's enough to say that Matt Damon is our flawed hero, Odysseus, trying to return home to his wife, Penelope (Anne Hathaway), and son, Telemachus (Tom Holland), while many suitors hope that he remains absent, allowing them to compete for his wife, and the throne. There are various monsters, a big wooden horse, and an incursion into the city of Troy.

I have never professed to being one of those people who absolutely loves everything that Nolan has directed. There's no denying, however, that he makes films that get people believing they need to get along to see them on the big screen. To help with his obsession, he has managed to make this the first film shot entirely on IMAX 70mm cameras, which should be appreciated by the relatively small amount of the population able to get themselves along to a proper IMAX screen. Nolan does two things very well: intelligence and spectacle. The Odyssey has those elements in place, and also has a decent amount of heart.

I admit to being worried when I saw the opening line of text stating "In a time of apparent magic...". I assumed that Nolan would be using that phrasing to avoid presenting a world overshadowed by gods and monsters, which is something I think is inherent to The Odyssey. That wasn't the case though. Yes, this is a bit more grounded in some ways (you don't see gods moving pieces around a board as you might in some classic adventure movies from yesteryear), but you get everything that should be here, from a cyclops to a dangerous beast picking off passing sailors, from a powerful witch to deadly sirens. There are giant warriors, there are prophecies delivered by the dead, and there's at least one nymph happy to keep someone captive and feed them amnesia-inducing lotus flowers. There are also a lot of human moments though, which all works in tandem with the more fantastical and spectacular moments. Odysseus MUST get home to his loved ones. Penelope has held out hope for his return over many difficult years. Telemachus can barely restrain himself from upsetting and fighting the suitors, and the half-blind Eumaeus (John Leguizamo) does everything he can to keep the household ready for his master's return.

Nobody here is mis-cast. Nobody. I was most worried about young Tom Holland in his role, but his role requires him to still convey the emotions and inexperience of a young boy pining for his lost father, and he works brilliantly in the role. Damon is superb, particularly impressive in the sequence that shows him dealing with the song of the sirens (as well as the entire third act), Hathaway gets to play arguably the best female character that Nolan has included in any of his films, and Leguizamo is only equalled by Samantha Morton when it comes to supporting cast members delivering career-best moments. Robert Pattinson is delightfully snide and villainous, Jon Bernthal is surprisingly impressive, and there are also excellent supporting turns from Himesh Patel, Corey Hawkins, Lupita Nyong'o, Logan Marshall-Green, Ryan Hurst, Elliot Page, Andrew Howard, and many others.

There may be one or two very minor complaints, I didn't even really process the score from Ludwig Göransson while immersed in the spectacle (although I have been listening to it over the past few days, and it's quite wonderful and a worthy companion to the visuals) and I do think the character played by Theron felt slightly mishandled, so I am happy for now to rate this as highly as I rate my other favourite Nolan movies. At his best, Noland matches his own desire for spectacular film-making with a knowledge of what audiences will want to see. He does that here, a number of times, and also makes use of the non-linear structure to tease us all on the way to a climax that has at least two incredible, and yet incredibly different in scale, set-pieces. It's hard to think of how he will top this (I suggest either Gulliver's Travels or a dark Jack The Ripper movie would be the way forward, personally), but he doesn't really need to. He could rest on his laurels now and rest safe in the knowledge that he's already an established cinematic great to so many.

That includes me. Even if I've yet to give one of his films a perfect score. There's either something just holding them back from being absolutely perfect, or I may need to revisit his entire filmography one day with the idea of reconsidering why I've been reticent to just agree with so many others and overlook some minor flaws.

9/10

Monday, 20 July 2026

Mubi Monday: Alpha (2025)

Like many others, I have enjoyed the first two cinematic features from writer-director Julia Ducournau so much that I'm already willing to make time for anything she does. I was excited to check out Alpha, a film I had heard some good word on already. Sadly, this feels like a bit of a step down, and it's so frustratingly simplistic and heavy-handed that I wonder why she felt compelled to make it now. It feels decades too late, considering the main metaphor at the heart of it, but it also feels disappointingly half-baked.

Mélissa Boros is Alpha, a young girl living with her single mother (Golshifteh Farahani) in a dangerous world. Alpha's mother is also a nurse, helping many people who have succumbed to a disease that starts to turn their flesh into something resembling marble and their blood into red dust. Nobody wants to catch the disease, which is why many become afraid and harsh when Alpha gets a strange tattoo on her arm that looks as if it could keep bleeding, signifying that Alpha herself is infected. With many quick to react, Alpha finds herself bonding with her uncle, Amin (Tahar Rahim), a heroin addict who doesn't seem too bothered by the idea of accidentally overdosing one day.

The performances are all excellent. No complaints there. Young Boros makes a very capable lead, easily carrying the film on her slender shoulders through many scenes, and both Farahani and Rahim do well as two adults with very polar opposite attitudes to life and responsibility. Louai El Amrousy also does good work, although it's hard to enjoy his presence as his character acts out in ways that we've seen young men act out so many times before in this kind of situation (aka a potential sexual health situation they want to stay away from while blaming a young woman), and both Finnegan Oldfield and Emma Mackey are a welcome inclusion, the latter also being quite the pleasant surprise, considering the other things I have seen her in recently.

Considering what they have to work with here, everyone deserves even more credit than usual. Because this isn't great material. It's sombre and heavy-handed, but also doesn't feel as if it's handled in the best way possible by Ducournau.

This may have been a very personal story for her, or she may have seen it as a metaphor applicable to many other issues we can see around us now on a daily basis, but that doesn't necessarily make it connect more with viewers. I might be very much in the minority here, but this felt like the cinematic equivalent of some elderly relative warning you about the dangers of unsafe sex after you've already spent years having your fun responsibly. It's a PSA about something that needed more people to take heed of it over 40 years ago. I'm not saying that STIs and AIDs have gone out of existence, but the information and resources are out there to avoid the kind of horrors we saw back when things were at their worst.

There are some other positives though. I enjoyed the music from Jim Williams. I also enjoyed the cinematography from Ruben Impens, and there are a few images here that will absolutely live in my memory far longer than anything else in the film. Maybe those images came to Ducournau first, leading her to create the film around them. She should have spent longer thinking about exactly how to couch everything, what points she could make most effectively, and how to justify what basically amounts to an all-too-minimal exploration of the AIDs crisis of the 1980s through a 21st century lens.

4/10

Sunday, 19 July 2026

Netflix And Chill: Speak No Evil (2024)

There are times when everyone else seems to make time for a film that I know I won't get around to for quite a while, for all kinds of different reasons. Speak No Evil was one of those films. I just couldn't bring myself to be enthusiastic about it, despite the amount of people I know who said it was a surprisingly good remake of the original film.

While those people were quite correct in their general assumption, I think they should have also admitted that, despite the content throughout most of the runtime, there are a number of mis-steps in the third act that make this absolutely on par with so many other remakes that exist simply due to people not wanting to read subtitles. Speak No Evil is dark and mean-spirited, for the most part, but it's defanged and neutered just in time for the end credits to roll, leaving anyone who was impressed by the original sorely dissatisfied and disappointed.

Scoot McNairy and Mackenzie Davis are Ben and Louise Dalton, a married couple with one daughter, Agnes (Alix West Lefler), and a lot of obvious tension in their relationship. While on holiday in Italy they meet Paddy (James McAvoy), Ciara (Aisling Franciosi), and their son, Ant (Dan Hough). Ant is unable to speak, but his parents are very friendly and chatty. And they invite Ben, Louise, and Agnes to visit them when they're all back in the UK some time. But things quickly become a bit strange and uncomfortable when the sheen of that "new holiday friendship" has gone and Paddy continues to tease and antagonise his guests.

Based on the original screenplay, this has been written and directed by James Watkins, possibly still a bit infamous for the darkness and horror of his debut feature, Eden Lake (one of the few films I rate very highly and never want to rewatch). Watkins is a great choice to helm this, and he's helped by the casting, which makes it even more of a shame to see how things ultimately play out. It's good that he didn't feel the need to change too much for the set-up though, which basically creates a twisted comedy of manners around the nightmarish notion that people who made casual mention of some future time socialising together actually meant what they said.

McAvoy is the overwhelming dark star of the film, dancing his way from mirth to menace repeatedly in a performance that taps into the impressive depths of scariness he's displayed in a number of other features. As the one who finds herself most often the target of his questions and barbs, Davis is also very good. Both she and McNairy play their characters with a slight snobbery and fragility that allows viewers to consider their downfall with some glee until the scales start to tip in their favour as they strive to remain calm and polite in the face of ever-increasing unpleasantness. Franciosi is on a par with everyone else, and both of the younger cast members are enjoyably natural and believable, whether they're just playing around or becoming afraid of the situation developing among the adults.

This is a good one to try and endure. And it's slightly easier to endure than the original movie. That's what makes it more entertaining and enjoyable. But it's also what leads to the biggest weakness. So, weighing up the good and the bad, I would have to rate this on a par with the original. It's a very solid thriller, and impressively dark. Until what feels like an obvious number of concessions in the third act.

7/10

Saturday, 18 July 2026

Shudder Saturday: Jimmy And Stiggs (2025)

The latest slice of neon and bloodshed from writer-director Joe Begos is arguably even more lo-fi and low-budget than usual. Fans of his work will find plenty to enjoy, I suspect, but others may be turned off by the strange energy of it.

Begos also stars onscreen as Jimmy Lang, a man who has a close encounter of the probing kind one evening. Determined not to let it happen again, he prepares to fight back against anything else that enters his home. That includes his friend, Stiggs Randolph (Matt Mercer), although maybe the two can work together to cause some harm to creatures that certainly don't come in peace.

This is a mess, but I expected that from a Begos movie. Unfortunately, it's a strangely boring and unimpressive mess. That's certainly not what I expected. Apparently shot in the home of Begos over four years, starting during wild times of the Covid pandemic, this may only run for 79 minutes, but it feels at least twice that long. And that's not to do with my viewing being extended by some fake movie trailers at the start (the best one being "The Piano Killer") that ensure you cannot forget Eli Roth being on board as a producer.

Moving between POV shots and more standard camerawork, Begos tries hard to make up for the single location. That cannot be done with energy and movement alone though. I would politely suggest that Begos spends more time on his next project working on the script. While I disagree with the idea that swearing equates to less intelligence, there's an obvious reason why one of the main bits of trivia for this film on IMDb states "the F-word and its variations are uttered over 700 times during the film." Begos has nothing else to fill in the gaps between flashes of violence.

He does a better job as an actor than a writer, but it's still not quite enough to make it easier for viewers to spend time stuck alongside someone so irritating and uninteresting. The same goes for Mercer. Viewers don't get much of a chance to dig below the surface of either character, making it even harder to care about the ultimate outcome of the fighting and killing.

I'm not going to namecheck the specific splattery film with a third act that this felt as if it was trying to emulate, that could spoil both that film and this one, but I will say that this fares even worse when there's a point of comparison. If you're big fan of Begos then you'll already be predisposed to like this, and kudos to him for just using his time and resources to get something made (he's many things, but an easy sell is not one of them). Everyone else should approach with extreme caution, or maybe completely stay away from something that should have been used as the framing story for the last V/H/S/ anthology.

3/10

Friday, 17 July 2026

Thunderbolt (1995)

I would never claim to be any expert on the films of Jackie Chan (although I can point you towards one or two friends who definitely are), but it's not often that I come across a star vehicle for him that I spent years being completely unaware of. Thunderbolt is a film that has Jackie and co. involved with lots of racing cars, which meant my expectations were high for some major vehicular carnage.

Thorsten Nickel plays a criminal/racer nicknamed Cougar, and the police want nothing more than to be able to throw the book at him. They get the chance when he crosses paths with Jackie Chan (playing a talented mechanic/fighter/ex-racer named Chan). Unfortunately, Cougar isn't able to be held long enough to make the case against him. This leads to him terrorising Chan and his family, and ultimately challenging Chan to a race. Meanwhile, a tenacious reporter (Amy, played by Anita Yuen) keeps trying to get a big exclusive while the story is playing out.

Directed by Gordon Chan, who would also direct his star in one of his worst mainstream features (The Medallion), Thunderbolt is an enjoyable enough action flick, co-written by the director, Chan Hing-Kai, and Kwok Wai-Chung. It's slightly overlong, clocking in at about 110 minutes, and action movie fans might be slightly disappointed by the pacing, as well as the scope of the stuntwork, but there's still a hell of a lot to appreciate here, not least of which is an extended sequence in which our main villain attacks our unprepared hero via a hugely destructive shipping container being swung around on the end of a crane. You also get Jackie Chan singing the theme song, some decent car stunts (as you'd expect), and an absolutely superb fight in a Pachinko parlor.

Chan is as he is in so many other movies. He's super-skilled, very noble of heart, and eminently watchable throughout, whether behind the wheel or doing his best to avoid confrontation. Nickel is a fun villain, completely over the top and cocky, but also working with his own specific code as he engineers (no pun intended) a grand duel with a worthy opponent. Yuen has to be won over by our hero, of course, while eventually giving up on her career ambitions. It's not a great role, most female roles in these movies never are, but Yuen is always very watchable. Everyone else, whether they're a determined Interpol agent (Michael Wong) or members of Chan's family, does what is needed of them, but they remain sidelined for most of the action beats, unless being placed in danger and needing to be rescued.

Maybe my expectations were a bit too high when I pressed play on this. I wanted some insane car stunts, lots of crashes, and the kind of life-endangering antics that you don't get to see in action films from countries with pesky health & safety regulations and insurance terms. What I got was an entertaining racing film with three memorable set-pieces (and two of those didn't involve cars) and a very standard sports movie final act. But the more time I have spent thinking on what is actually here, especially the wild and crazy shipping container sequence, I appreciate what it actually is, compared to any negativity I was feeling about it not matching what I thought it might be.

There are better options for you if you want dazzling Jackie Chan fight choreography or fast car action, but this does well enough in blending those two elements to make it a fun time for action movie fans.

7/10

Thursday, 16 July 2026

Maid Droid (2023)

I was very recently made aware of the filmography of writer-director Rich Mallery. It would appear that he is carving out a niche for himself making what we could kindly refer to as disposable entertainment for those wanting to spend some time in the company of attractive young women. Because there's a shortage of movies made with that in mind, of course.

Maid Droid is exactly what you think it is. A self-pitying man (Harrison, played by Jose Adam Alvarez) is persuaded by a friend to invest in renting a maid droid. You can hire them for all of your menial tasks, and they will do whatever is asked of them during that rental time. And they're absolutely like a live human woman in every way, as Harrison's friend informs him. And so it is that Harrison ends up with Mako (Faith West) in his home. Mako helps make the arc of the movie all too clear when she turns up in the kind of maid outfit that looks as if it was bought from the nearest branch of Ann Summers. But will things go smoothly for a man falling in lust with a household device?

Before I go any further I must pause to remind people of one important point: Movies should be examined and rated based on what they're aiming to do, not based on how they compare to every other movie in existence. While Maid Droid isn't great, the low budget and some poor performances really work against it, it's not that bad for what it is. Mallery has a simple idea that he stretches out to a bearable 91 minutes, and he knows that West is good enough casting to make up for some of the other shortcomings.

While she's not brilliant, West is the best thing here, and tries her best to portray her droid character realistically without falling into the trap of making herself too stiff and preposterously ignorant of the ways of us humans. Alvarez, on the other hand, sometimes feels more like the character who cannot understand normal behaviour. He's not helped by the script that only wants him to be either horny or morose, but it's a shame that he can't do anything to make a better impression. Kylee Michael does okay as the other main woman integral to the plot, although the focus of Maid Droid always remains the titular maid droid.

This is easy to sneer it, and it's equally easy to completely dismiss. It's not helped by the scenes that effectively bookend the main storyline, nor is it helped by the backstory given to Mako that is teased throughout. It's not terrible though, for the kind of film it is. Those after sexy sexy times may be disappointed, it's actually a very tame film when you consider where it could have gone, but those after some titillation and diverting silliness will find that this delivers just that.

5/10

Wednesday, 15 July 2026

Prime Time: Wildcat (2025)

I have tended to enjoy Kate Beckinsale in many of her movie choices, no matter how dubious they have been. Wildcat feels like a low point though. It's a horrible slice of mockney nonsense so dire that it will make you wish you could go back in time and enjoy the many other Guy Ritchie imitators that you once thought were scraping the bottom of the lock, stock, and two smoking barrels.

Beckinsale plays Ada, a woman who has to come up with a plan to pay off debts accrued by her problematic brother, Edward (Rasmus Hardiker). No worries though, because Ada knows just what to do, and she'll pit a couple of criminal giants against one another. Those criminal giants are Mrs. Christina Vine and Frasier Mahoney, played by Alice Krige and Charles Dance, respectively.

I almost gave up on writing that all-too-brief plot summary. The very thought of this film has me wanting to put my head through my laptop screen. It's THAT bad. Writer Dominic Burns takes every cliché in the tough geezer/audacious robbery playbook and mixes them all together without an ounce of wit or intelligence. He's obviously relying on his cast, but they seem unable to figure out exactly where they should pitch their performances.

Director James Nunn has some decent stuff in his filmography, and his next film, Hungry, is one that I am hoping will be a bit of fun. This has to be a strong contender for the worst thing that he's helmed, and I am saying that with the knowledge that he also directed The Marine 5: Battleground and The Marine 6: Close Quarters. I can see where this could have been turned into something moderately amusing and fun, but almost everything is ruined by the laziness and ineptitude of the writing and performances.

Beckinsale is a particular liability, considering that the film seems to have been crafted to be carried along by her name. She never feels like a believable character, and actually seems to be tired of the whole thing by the time the first scene plays out. I don't know why Krige and Dance agreed to be in this, and they're so far removed from doing what they're capable of that I wish they'd been able to refuse whatever pay they were offered for this. Lewis Tan tries to do well in his main supporting role, and is believably smitten with Beckinsale's character, but he's the only one who seems to be making any effort. Hardiker does nothing with a nothing role, and I'm going to do everyone else a favour by simply not mentioning them.

I worried when this ended, partly about the damage I had inflicted upon my own psyche and partly about the fact that people involved in the making of this may have thought they were working on something good. If they thought they were doing good work then they should be kept away from most future features. If they knew they were making trash then . . . they should be kept away from most future features.

2/10

Tuesday, 14 July 2026

Evil Dead Burn (2026)

It has been fascinating to see the Evil Dead franchise expand and evolve throughout the decades. When you think about it, the original film was just a gnarly little horror movie that was considered something like a rite of passage for years. Then the sequel reworked things to amplify and underline the comedy. The third film continued that journey. There have been comics featuring new adventures and crossover tales, there was a pretty good remake/reimagining, a wonderful TV show that we could never have imagined getting at the turn of the century, and then Evil Dead Rise managed to take things in another direction while still feeling true to the essence of the franchise. And now along comes Evil Dead Burn, bringing everything crashing down to a new low point.

I like seeing my deadites in a simplistic horror premise. I also liked seeing them used in ways that allow the movies to work as metaphors for addiction or the trials of motherhood. Evil Dead Burn is about family, what it takes to be together with loved ones, and what harm can come from refusing to acknowledge problems and serious character failings that can affect others in the wider world (EDIT: I have tried to be a bit vague and coy here, but it's worth noting, since I have seen others triggered by it, that almost the entirety of Evil Dead Burn is inextricably intertwined with the pain and claustrophobia of domestic abuse). It's not a terrible film, and there are some fun bits of gore, but almost every main element suffers in comparison to anything we've seen previously in this series.

A family is mourning. Will (George Pullar) has died in a horrific car accident. The funeral is a tense affair, attended by his mother (Tandi Wright), father (Erroll Shand), grandmother (Maude Davey), brother (Joseph, played by Hunter Doohan), Joseph's girlfriend (Thya, played by Luciane Buchanan), and Will's wife (Alice, played by Souheila Yacoub). Once back at the family home after the funeral, tensions rise further, and there are some evil entities who want to gatecrash the occasion, on a mission to gain possession of a dagger in the house that has the power to destroy them.

It's easy to see why director Sébastien Vanicek was considered a good fit for this franchise. His previous film was a decent bit of horror with some stylish camerawork and some good moments of claustrophobia. Once again sharing the writing duties with Florent Bernard, Vanicek knows how to build up a decent selection of horror movies. He doesn't seem to know how to marry his mentality to the tone of the Evil Dead series though. For as traumatic and gory as they have been, the best moments have always had some humour. People thought that was lacking in Evil Dead Rise, but I thought it was often still there. This one is a depressingly downbeat affair though. There's no sense of mischief or malicious glee, although one character comes close in the high point of the film (which was, sadly, already shown in the trailers), and that makes most of the runtime a bit of a tiresome wait to see how one main character will make it to the end credits, or indeed IF they will make it. Too many of the supporting characters are maimed or possessed too early to allow for anything playful and tense, and I would make a strong case stating that this franchise is no place for any director to show off their ability to create an extended single take sequence punctuated by violence and pain moving just in and out the edges of the frame. I also don't need strained connections to previous instalments, thanks but no thanks.

It doesn't help that the cast generally lack a sense of watchability. Shand and Buchanan are the notable exceptions, but the former is overused in a way that continually undermines the impact he could have made. Buchanan excels though, and steals the movie for a few minutes at the halfway point. Yacoub suffers from material that doesn't let her do anything other than react to the unfolding evil and craziness around her, Doohan suffers from the fact that he looks a bit too similar to Anton Yelchin in this, which just made me sad as I remembered how we lost Yelchin so young, and both Wright and Davey are used in disappointingly predictable ways. As for Pullar, his screentime is obviously limited, but he's also often surrounded by CGI of varying quality. There's also a dog here, and dog lovers may want to approach this with a fair amount of caution.

The score is decent, although it retains a level of constant noisy dread in line with the structuring of the film, and there are some of the enjoyably bloody and gloopy effects that fans would expect, but there's not enough here to make it feel as if it's worthy of using the Evil Dead name. Vanicek seems so pre-occupied with working in the fire and heat motifs that he forgets to deliver some actual fun alongside the mutilations and deaths. The previous film showed that the series didn't have to stay shackled to the mighty personality of Bruce Campbell's Ash. This film shows that there are so many other ingredients that should be retained by anyone wanting to rework a recipe from the classic selections available in the Necronimicon Cookbook.

4/10

Monday, 13 July 2026

Mubi Monday: Submarino (2010)

Anything from Thomas Vinterberg is going to be worth your time, trust me on that, so I went into Submarino with some amount of optimism. That was absolutely justified. This is a standard drama, albeit one with some moments of real darkness (of course), and feels like another essential viewing experience for anyone exploring Vinterberg's filmography.

Jakob Cedergren plays Nick, a man just released from prison. He seems to enjoy drinking and fighting. Or that may be what he used to enjoy. Nick's brother (Peter Plaugborg), on the other hand, enjoys drugs. He will steal to fund his habit, and may even be looking at an opportunity to become a dealer. Which doesn't look like the foundation for a great life for his young son, Martin (Gustav Fischer Kjærulff). Maybe Nick can help, or maybe there's not a lot he can do. Even brothers who were best friends in childhood can find themselves at opposite sides of a gaping chasm if they walk down very different paths through life.

Based on a novel by Jonas T. Bengtsson, turned into screenplay form by Tobias Lindholm and Vinterberg, this is a strangely captivating film that somehow manages to avoid turning viewers off by having the most unpleasant moments positioned at the very start of the film, during a sequence that has Nick dealing with an old friend/acquaintance, Ivan (Morten Rose), who has a very unhealthy view of women. This ensures that everything is dark and tense, but allows for the subsequent scenes, many showing an addict driven by his need to get his next fix, to feel much easier to endure.

Making use of some of the ideas at the heart of the Dogme 95 movement, mainly to do with the naturalism of the filming and the performances, but not limiting himself in any of the technical work, Vinterberg is well-placed to helm this. He often presents characters with an impressively non-judgemental eye, and there's no moments that feel as if they've been added to inject some shock and sensationalism into the runtime.

The performances are excellent across the board, but Cedergren is a very important anchor for everything. He's a calm presence, although very much battling with raging currents within himself. Plaugborg has to be more nervy and frantic, but he does very well in his role. As for young Kjærulff, he somehow manages to perfectly convey the essence of a child living with an addict parent, being carefree and enjoying life while also being more careful at times as the creeping suspicion that something is not quite right about the situation keeps interrupting your thoughts. Rose is good at being the most unpleasant man that you'd never want to meet, and everyone else maintains the standard set by the main performers.

More of a character study than anything else, and arguably easier to overlook than most of the other Vinterberg movies I have watched, Submarino is still one that I highly recommend to everyone. There may not be one big moment to remember, or one easy and obvious moral lesson (although a few are mixed together), but it still feels worthwhile, perceptive, and able to say a lot without dictating to others how everything should be interpreted.

8/10

Sunday, 12 July 2026

Netflix And Chill: Cuckoo (2024)

Having heard some good word about Cuckoo back when it was first released, I'm not sure why I kept delaying a viewing of it until now. Although, now finally having seen it, maybe that was some part of my brain already aware of the fact that it might not work for me. Because I didn't like this, and I am quite bewildered by some of the praise it received.

Hunter Schafer plays Gretchen, a teen who is forced to move with her father and his new wife, as well as her mute half-sister (Alma, played by Mila Lieu) to a fairly isolated hotel project in Bavaria. Gretchen is offered support and a warm welcome from Herr König (Dan Stevens), the man employing the services of her father, but she senses that something is quite wrong. Maybe it's to do with the hooded woman (Kalin Morrow) who starts to follow her around.

There's an interesting idea at the heart of Cuckoo, and it's clear that the core premise and the title were always clear in the mind of writer-director Tilman Singer, but it feels like a film made by someone so happy with the concept that they forgot to fully consider just how it would reverberate through a screenplay that needed something more. Every bit of tension and confusion has been presented much better in so many other "stranger in a strange town" tales, and the third act is disappointingly underwhelming when things are clarified that feel as if they were already quite obvious.

Schafer is good in the lead role. She's a captivating presence, and able to handle the escalating silliness with a straightforward approach that helps to keep everything grounded. Stevens is at the other end of the spectrum, having a lot of fun with his German phrases and accent, making himself so super-friendly that it's clear he has some involvement in whatever is going on. Lieu is often sidelined, but does a great job when involved in the finale, Morrow cuts an interesting figure, and there's room for Jan Bluthardt, Martin Csokas, Jessica Henwick, Greta Fernández, and others to have some screentime.

While there's an enjoyable oddness to this, I can't help thinking that Singer couldn't quite nail down the tone. The horror isn't as effective as it should be, and the second half should be much more disturbing and unsettling, considering what is being revealed. It all ends up just being one odd thing after another though, which makes it feel more like a parade than an intriguingly-developed narrative. Some of the visuals work well, but a few important touches (especially the main effect felt by those who are momentarily unsettled by something close enough to disorientate them) fall completely flat.

Add a point if you ever wished to hear Dan Stevens delivering dialogue in a well-executed German accent. But I would direct you towards better movies in which he has had fun playing non-English speakers.

4/10

Saturday, 11 July 2026

Shudder Saturday: Touch Me (2025)

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone that you know isn't necessarily great, but they help you to forget the rest of the world for a while? They feel like they're healing you from past traumas, they know just what to say and do, most of the time, and you can at least lose yourself in some throes of ecstasy during the good sex.

That's what Touch Me is all about. It's a psychodrama that also has some moments of horror and plenty of dark comedy running through it. The second film from writer-director Addison Heimann, after the interesting misfire of Hypochondria, this is a huge step up for him, and signifies the strong possibility of a bright future ahead.

Olivia Taylor Dudley is Joey, a lost young woman who finds herself drawn back to her ex, Brian (Lou Taylor Pucci). Joey's bestie, Craig (Jordan Gavaris), accompanies her, but he ends up also attracted to Brian. Brian is hard to resist, despite the fact that he's actually a multi-tentacled alien with some plan that is supposedly meant to save his home planet. Everyone knows this, including a line-in helper (Laura, played by Marlene Forte), but what are a few tentacles and dubious plans when you can feel so good for a short while every day?

Moving smoothly between light and dark, Touch Me works as an obvious analogy for more standard relationships without feeling too clumsy and obvious. It's helped by the alien tentacle content, which does a good job of distracting viewers while the central messaging remains clear and concise throughout. It's also helped by a great score, from Jimmy LaValle (who has worked numerous times with the brilliant Aaron Moorhead and Justin Benson, two of the producers here), and a fantastic core cast.

Dudley is excellent in the lead, one of those people who can be good enough to keep you on their side, despite the selfishness and difficult behaviour. Gavaris also does well, playing his part as equal parts supportive friend and jealous competitor as Brian takes, and maintains, a mesmerising hold over our two main humans. Pucci is given the toughest role, having to be charming, confident, persuasive, and sexually-alluring throughout. The fact that he somehow manages to be all of those things, despite the outfits that he's made to wear, is testament to his hard work. It's also great to watch him be so calm throughout most of the runtime, making the moments that have him worked up all the more effective, and I found myself believing that people could easily fall under his spell. Forte has the least of the four main roles, but she does very well with what she's given, and Ashley Lauren Nedd is a lot of fun in the couple of scenes that have her portraying Dr. Kelly, a psychiatrist certainly not about to take the tales of a wild past told to her by Dudley's character at face value.

Heimann has already received a lot of praise from those who saw this at a number of festivals, but that praise shouldn't stop now that it's more widely available. Those who know the themes being explored, and have an idea of how some familiar elements are being used to make everything feel a bit stranger and . . . out there than it otherwise would be, should be satisfied. Maybe not as satisfied as some of the main characters feel, but the satisfaction of the viewing experience comes with a lot less tentacles, trauma, or problematic untruths to be overlooked.

8/10

Friday, 10 July 2026

Dante's Peak (1997)

While Dante's Peak may be a film remembered more fondly than Volcano nowadays, it's worth noting that it was . . . also viewed a bit more fondly by many people back in 1997, the year or the competing volcano blockbusters. It also made more money in cinemas. Basically, Dante's Peak was to Volcano what Armageddon was to Deep Impact (although I would argue that the latter at least had some critics praising it for the more serious approach to the material).

Pierce Brosnan is Harry Dalton, the volcanologist who ends up in the small town of Dante's Peak. Linda Hamilton is Rachel Wando, the mayor, and also mother to a boy and a girl (played by Jeremy Foley and Jamie Renée Smith, respectively). It seems clear to Harry that something bad is going to happen in Dante's Peak very soon, but he struggled to get others to agree with him. To paraphrase another, much better, film: "You say tectonic plate disturbance and people go huh, what, but you yell volcanic eruption and you've got a panic on your hands on the fourth of July."

Written by Leslie Bohem, this is very standard disaster movie stuff. Our hero is shown in an opening sequence being devastated and scarred by a big event that viewers will know is due to recur before the end credits roll, the supporting characters are often given just enough screentime to make their potential demise at least slightly saddening, and everything is set up to allow some impressive special effects to dominate most of the third act.

I was going to say that it's not the most typical film from director Roger Donaldson, but a brief reminder of his filmography has shown me that there is no typical film from him. He's happily jumped around various genres throughout his career, and Dante's Peak shows him very comfortable to lean into the expected tropes of this particular sub-genre, helped by two leads who are happy to coast by on their charm and chemistry until they have to take a back seat to the VFX.

Despite his Bond schedule, Brosnan did well to deliver a decent selection of memorable star turns throughout the latter half of the 1990s, and this is right up there with the best of them. It's nowhere near his best film, nor is it near his best acting, but he holds your attention well as both Bohem and Donaldson try their best to build tension before allowing their volcano to erupt. Hamilton works brilliantly with her leading man, and she's able to portray her mayor character as someone who is also a busy single mother without it all seeming too patronising and cringe-inducing. Smith and Foley have to be tolerable until they're put in peril, which they do, and enjoyable turns come from Elizabeth Hoffman, Charles Hallahan, Grant Heslov, and Peter Jason, among others.

There are better disaster movies, if that's what you're in the mood for, but I cannot think of any better volcano movies. We might get something superior further down the line, but for now . . . this is the best you can hope for. It's silly, it's predictable, I doubt much of the movie science holds up under scrutiny, but it's enjoyably cheesy blockbuster entertainment.

6/10

Thursday, 9 July 2026

Jackie Chan's First Strike (1996)

AKA Jackie Chan's First Strike. AKA Police Story 4: First Strike.

If you ever wanted to see what a James Bond film would be like featuring Jackie Chan as 007 then First Strike is the film for you. It's also the fourth instalment in the Police Story film series, but there's no need to have seen the preceding films before you dive into this one.

Although it remains inferior to many of his better-known films, First Strike isn’t actually all that bad as an introduction to younger film viewers who may eventually become full-on fans of Chan. It’s not as slick and polished as the likes of Shanghai Noon or any of the Rush Hour movies, but it’s also not as overstuffed with CGI or weak set-pieces (such as The Tuxedo or The Medallion).

Chan plays Jackie, a cop who ends up helping a couple of different government agencies as he tracks down the whereabouts of a missing nuclear warhead. This leads to a shootout and an exciting chase down some snow-covered slopes. It's then up to Jackie to track down a villain, via his sister (played by Chen Chun Wu AKA Annie Wu), which leads to him facing off against multiple enemies, one or two big guys who look very much like Goombas from the '90s Super Mario Bros. movie, and a number of sharks.

Directed and co-written by Stanley Tong, this isn't actually too bad when it comes to the plotting. Tong was joined in the writing duties by Elliot Tong, Greg Mellott, and Nick Tramontane, and they work hard to get everyone where they need to be for every main story beat. It might never feel as if Chan is in any real danger, but that's inevitable when you know how skilled and strong he is.

Unless he's accompanied by a couple of his main Peking opera school friends, it's often not mentioning the quality of other performances in a Jackie Chan film. Jackie Chan films are at their best when Jackie Chan is at the heart of any scene, and that is the case here. Wu has to spend the third act being a damsel in distress, Nathan Jones and Steve Morris are the memorable "Goombas", and Jackson Lou does well enough as the man who appears to be the main villain to be apprehended. Chan delivers his star power though, especially in the set-pieces that elevate the entire film. That snowy opening sequence has some great stunts in there, and is certainly meant to bring a classic Bond opener to mind, there are at least two impressive fights that allow Chan to showcase many of his skills, and those who have tried to participate in some swimming pool fitness classes should appreciate just how inventive and tough the underwater fight in the third act is.

There's a lot in this that I didn't love. Rewatching it had me fearing that it was worse than I remembered. That's a bit unfair though. There are actually enough really good moments here to make this well worth your time, even if you know that it's not close to the best Jackie Chan movies. And it certainly uses the second half to reward those who were patient throughout the first half.

7/10

Wednesday, 8 July 2026

Prime Time: Driver's Ed (2026)

There comes a time when someone squanders enough of your goodwill that you stop mentioning their past glories. Although he's had at least one other very enjoyable movie in the past few years (Champions), that time has come for Bobby Farrelly. I'm not saying that Driver's Ed is a terrible film. It's just so generic and uninspired that it doesn't feel like it was made by someone with some modern classics in their filmography.

Sam Nivola plays Jeremy, a young man struggling with what seems to be the end of his now-long-distance relationship with Samantha (Lilah Pate). After mulling things over, he decides that a road trip is in order. Unfortunately, that road trip involves him commandeering the car used for his driver's ed class, which means that Evie (Sophie Telegadis), Aparna (Mohana Krishnan), and Yoshi (Aidan Laprete) are also taken along for the journey.

It's surprisingly hard to write a review for Driver's Ed. It's one of the most inoffensive and forgettable comedies that I've seen in recent years. Part of me almost wishes that it was terrible. At least I would work up some energy to shred it. It's not terrible though. It's not great either. It is, ironically, the most middle of the road comedy you could possibly imagine, unable to deviate from the plot beats that most viewers would be able to predict from the opening scene. It flops as a teen comedy, it doesn't make enough time for the more fun older cast members (Kumail Nanjiani and Molly Shannon, playing two people the movie should have really focused on instead), and there's not one memorable set-piece, or one big laugh, in the entire runtime.

I'd have to put most of the blame on writer Thomas Moffett, although he at least attempts to add some depth to a couple of the main supporting characters, but Farrelly should have worked harder to fill the film with enough extra treats to make up for the weak screenplay.

The acting isn't bad, so it has that going for it. Nivola is a decent young lead, and Telegadis works well alongside him. Both Krishnan and Laprete also work well together, especially as the former ends up becoming a bit more comfortable in herself. Pate is perfectly fine, but she's really just required to be the destination for a group of characters who end up on a very winding and valuable journey. Aside from the comedy stars already mentioned, Tim Baltz and Bri Giger are the other two main adults to join in with the fun, and their scenes are almost as welcome as those featuring Nanjiani and Shannon.

There are many worse choices you could make when picking a mild distraction from the streaming services available to you, but I cannot think of anyone who will watch this and then remember it fondly within a few months. It's frustratingly bland and tame, and, most importantly, it's disappointingly lacking in the comedy department.

4/10

Tuesday, 7 July 2026

Citizen Vigilante (2026)

Hoo boy. You're not going to like this review if you're the kind of person who uses the word "woke" unironically to insult someone. Or if you've ever headed out, armed with a facemask and an England flag to spend some of your spare time shouting at a hotel you suspect may be housing some people with different skin colour from your own. Then again, I doubt many of those people will bother to seek out, and read, this review. Unless they want to try and push back against the mass of negative reviews from those not already aligned to the central agenda presented here.

I've said it before, but rarely has it been a point that I have so wanted to highlight and underline. Creating art often comes with a great degree of responsibility. If you're movie has a message then it has to be a clear one, and you should be very careful about how people can take away that message. Writer-director Uwe Boll has, I fear, decided to throw his lot in with the growing cacophony of tiresome xenophobic bigots who prey on the insecurities and fears of others to stir up trouble and keep avoiding the real solutions to some of their problems (solutions that would require some proper effort and consideration). Not only is Citizen Vigilante unengaging and lazy, it's arguably the most morally repugnant film I have seen in my life. Other films have wandered through similar territory, but few have done so with such little attempt to hide the dangerous messaging. Never mind that this springboards from a premise that simply isn't backed up by actual facts and proper statistics. I wouldn't be surprised if Boll was already prepping a sequel to this, something in which Armie Hammer becomes a white knight for all of womanhood by assaulting and murdering members of the trans community. Because once you've gone out of your way to further demonise immigrants then surely you move on to the 1% of the population who continue to be disproportionally targeted for abuse.

Oh, did I forget to mention the actual plot? Sorry, how remiss of me. Armie Hammer plays Sanders, a man who spends his time tracking down people who haven't been given the punishment they deserve for crimes they have committed. All of the people he tracks down are immigrants, of course, because this is a film that aligns itself with the (often misleading or outright false) sensational headlines and toxic rhetoric delivered by the likes of GB News, the current sexual-abuser-POTUS, Fox, Elon "Artful DOGE-er" Musk, Nigel Farage, and other grifters. A lot of people are showing lending their support to the vigilante "hero", and many comment on how they're doing the job that the courts and police are failing to do. And let's not forget the interminably long scene in which Hammer has sex with a prostitute, is distracted by mould on her ceiling, advises her about how to avoid the issue and informs her that he is the owner of the building, and then gets back to his sexy time while staring at the patch of mould (yes, that really happens).

Is this a review or a rant? A bit of both. But if it feels to you as if it fails to be a proper review, and you would prefer me to keep politics out of my writing, then I would argue that a) this fails to be a proper movie, and b) dehumanising people and trying to blame entire races for the actions of a relatively small percentage of the population is something I will always push firmly back on. It's also not political, it's simple humanity.

I've also indulged myself slightly here because there's genuinely very little onscreen that's worth proper criticism. Hammer isn't good, and we know that he's picked this project because it's the easiest way he can see himself making a comeback to an audience that will accept him without questioning his problematic past few years. Maybe he's not very good because his heart isn't in it, to be optimistic. Maybe he's simply all at sea without a good enough screenplay and director, and Boll does poorly in both departments here. The only other cast member of note is Costas Mandylor, who feels as if he's just repeating some of his lines and expressions from the earlier Saw movie instalments that had him in a very similar role.

"Freedom of speech, freedom of speech" is what many will cry when they hear from others who dislike this as much as I did. I've already seen the standard "oh, did it offend your woke lefty sensibilities" comments and "so many lefty tears" jabs. Freedom of speech and freedom of artistic expression allowed for this piece of crap to get made. It equally allows for me to express my disgust and hatred of it. There's NO redeeming value to this, especially when you consider how far removed from reality it is. There are so many better movies you could choose to watch, many featuring vigilante vengeance without being so fully biased in favour of dangerous far-right fervour. And the end card stating "this film is dedicated to the thousands of rape and murder victims in Europe who were betrayed by our legal system" is one of the most disingenuous and sickening final frames I can think of.

1/10