For It Is Man's Number

Monday, 2 March 2026

Mubi Monday: Moonstruck (1987)

Lots of movies have been made that show romance in an ideal form. Oh, things might be messy for a while, but behind the mess we can see the perfect match just waiting to happen. Moonstruck doesn't do that. It has two people being enjoyably far from ideal, within themselves and with one another. But it also has some points to make about love, passion, and commitment.

Cher plays Loretta Castorini, a New York woman who believes that she invited bad luck into her life when she first married, bad luck that would lead to her husband being killed by a bus. That's why she wants everything to be just perfect when her boyfriend, Johnny Cammareri (Danny Aiello), proposes to her. She is excited to then tell her mother (Olympia Dukakis) and father (Vincent Gardenia), but has to tell them without Johnny present, as he has flown to Italy to be at the bedside of his dying mother. Johnny is happy to leave the wedding arrangements to Loretta, but he insists that she contact his brother (Ronny, played by Nicolas Cage) and offer him an invite. That maybe wasn't his best idea, considering how instantly Loretta and Ronny sense a connection between them.

The second feature to be made from a screenplay by John Patrick Shanley, Moonstruck has a pleasingly offbeat vibe throughout, yet still feels as if it's more than willing to hit all of the familiar beats to be found in most of the traditional rom-coms. Maybe that comes from the fact that it's Norman Jewison directing, an old hand who can easily handle the material and the wonderful cast asked to work with it. And this IS a wonderful cast.

Cher gives one of her most grounded and wonderful performances. I've often enjoyed her in movies, but there's a huge difference between the roles she took on in the 1980s and the roles she has taken on throughout the past couple of decades (which have all brought attention to the fact that she's CHER, as opposed to someone "normal" aka non-Cher). The same cannot really be said about Nic Cage, who has simply done his Nic Cage thing onscreen for about fifty years now. It can either work really well or fail horribly, but this is very much a case of the former. He's very funny, very sweet, and very fired up in a way that amuses, but ultimately also attracts, the woman he falls in love with. Aiello isn't onscreen for too long, and has to maintain an air of confusion and bumbling awkwardness, but he does well with a tricky role. Both Dukakis and Gardenia are superb, and the former really lights up in a sequence that allows her to temporarily enjoy the company of John Mahoney, who gets his own spark while spending time with someone being so refreshingly honest, and unimpressed by him.

There's some fine music used sparingly throughout, a lovely score from Dick Hyman, and that wonderful 1980s New York texture in every scene, assisted by a supporting cast that includes Julia Bovasso, Louis Guss, Feodor Chaliapin Jr., Leonardo Cimino, and a cameoing Catherine Scorsese. There's also at least one bit of dialogue that deserves to be as remembered and repeated as any other great soundbites from the history of cinema.

The messiness and the strange tone may put many people off. It's the main reason I enjoyed it so much though. Love and passion can be very messy, and that messiness can be a wonderful thing. Moonstruck is a bit wonderful.

8/10

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Sunday, 1 March 2026

Netflix And Chill: Cellar Door (2024)

What would you do if you could receive the house of your dreams for free, with only one main condition? It would depend on what that condition was, right? But if I told you that all you had to do was keep a cellar door closed, to never investigate that space, then you'd surely be tempted. That's the main idea at the heart of this film, hence the title.

Jordana Brewster and Scott Speedman are Sera and John, the couple who end up being offered a lovely house by Emmett (Laurence Fisburne). They are trying to heal and recover from a bad patch in their relationship, including a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, and John needs to distance himself from Alyssa (Addison Timlin), a young colleague he had an affair with, but now wants to leave in his past. Alyssa doesn't want to be left behind though, as her complaint to HR shows. Will Sera and John be able to get to the light at the end of the tunnel, or will the pressure of the situation drive one of them to look inside the cellar and break their deal with Emmett?

On the plus side, this is a lot better than the last film I saw from director Vaughn Stein (the very poor Terminal). It's not great, but at least feels more coherent, more logical, and satisfying when certain truths are finally revealed in the third act. Writers Sam Scott and Lori Evans Taylor deliver a solid enough framework, but neither Stein nor his cast do enough to imrpove upon the material. Things never seem to head down any truly dark path, leaving viewers with a tale that lacks any real tension or sense of urgency, despite the editing and score trying to make it seem otherwise.

Brewster and Speedman are fine in their lead roles, although both could have been replaced by much better choices. Timlin is asked to look pretty and be obstinate, which she does easily enough, but she's a bit wasted in her role. I could say something similar about Fishburne, giving the classic "you have me for one whole day, let's get this done" kind of performance that allows his character to cast a long shadow over the proceedings without making use of him in more than a couple of scenes. The other main supporting cast member is Randy Schulman, just used to provide exposition and regular updates on the turbulent time that Speedman's character is going through.

There's nothing here that is awful. It's just never able to become as good as it should be. That's down to the central idea, it's down to the casting, and it's down to the fact that nobody involved seems to have enough imagination or courage to commit to something stronger in content than a bland TV movie. Whatever imagery is evoked by the movie title . . . I can assure you that the film comes nowhere close to what you may be envisioning right now.

5/10

Saturday, 28 February 2026

Shudder Saturday: The Draft! (2023)

I've seen some Indonesian horrors in my time, and more of them in the past decade as they have become more popular and accessible on a number of viewing platforms. They tend to be enjoyably spooky, and often also quite beautiful when it comes to the atmospheric visuals. The Draft! is a bit different. It's a meta movie, more of an offbeat comedy than a horror, but it makes use of many genre tropes in a way that will be very familiar to horror movie fans.

The basic plot revolves around five friends aiming to spend their weekend in an isolated property in the middle of some woods. Things soon start to turn odd and inexplicable, which leads the main characters to figure out that they're definitely in the middle of some kind of horror movie scenario. Can they use their knowledge to survive, or will they be unable to change a fate that is clearly pre-planned for them?

The big twist in The Draft!, revealed at about the half hour mark, is that . . . well, that would be saying. Suffice to say, the movie title itself should clue you in on it, and those who have read any plot summaries may already be aware, but I am going to try to avoid mentioning it, despite it making writing a review of the movie that much harder. It's very good though, even if it brings to mind a couple of interesting delights from years past (one being a Twilight Zone episode, one that feels almost like an inverse of this, and the other being the underseen, and wonderful, The End, written and directed by, and starring, Jeremy Thomas back in 2007). And it allows for the film to become crazier than expected, with seemingly unlimited options for where things could go. Sadly, it then doesn't really go anywhere, both literally and metaphorically.

The cast do well enough, although the main one to mention is Winner Wijaya, who plays the person most knowledgeable about film-making and horror movie "rules". The rest of the core group feel a bit more disposable, and are not helped by the fact that they're played like the end result of some bad writing and weak (or non-existent) character development, but they at least maintain a sense of fun and energy, even while going around in circles for a number of scenes after that big reveal.

It's almost as if director Yusron Fuadi, who also worked on the writing with Rochard James Halstead, B. W. Purba Negara, and Anindita Suryarasmi, decided to view the central idea as something that would let him off the hook in a variety of ways, instead of something that would exponentially reward more creativity and wit.

I am sure that more people will check this out, especially those intrigued once they hear the plot summary, and I am equally sure that many viewers will be disappointed by the squandered potential. I don't want to be THAT guy, but this could be a contender for something worth remaking, as long as whoever was helming the remake was willing to progress far beyond the relatively limited vision of Fuadi.

6/10

Friday, 27 February 2026

A Haunting In Venice (2023)

Another Poirot film starring, and directed by, Kenneth Branagh, this one based on a novel actually named "Hallowe'en Party", A Haunting In Venice feels a bit different from the previous two instalments in this particular continuity for the detective. It's a moody and atmospheric piece. It also feels disappointingly light on actual Poirot moments though, our hero generally feeling sidelined in favour of the camerawork and building spookiness.

Despite trying to enjoy his retirement, Hercule Poirot has his peace interrupted by a mystery writer friend, Ariadne Oliver (Tina Fey), who hopes he can expose a medium, Joyce Reynolds (Michelle Yeoh), as a fraud. She will be putting on a performance at the home of Rowena Drake (Kelly Reilly), a retured opera singer grieving the loss of her daughter, Alicia. Others who will be in attendance are Dr. Leslie Ferrier (Jamie Dornan) and Maxime Gérard (Kyle Allen), the former fiancé of Alicia.

On the one hand, it's commendable to have a Poirot film that feels a step removed from the other recent Poirot films. Branagh, working once again with writer Michael Green, seems intent on showing us that every Poirot tale can both follow a formula and also provide some nice variety, but he seems to struggle with the commitment required for the many scenes that don't focus on the main character.

It should also be said that the cast feels disappointingly lacking in comparison to the previous two features. Fey is a delight, as is Yeoh (the latter sorely underused), but Reilly isn't able to have any fun in her role, Allen is similarly stuck in a solemn mood for the duration, and Dornan is about as bland as he usually is (sorry, he may be a lovely guy, but he rarely works for me onscreen). Riccardo Scamarcio is an enjoyable presence playing Poirot's bodyguard, but you don't get much from the likes of Ali Khan, Emma Laird, Camille Cottin, and the young Jude Hill (playing the son of Dornan's character).

Everything feels as lush and gorgeous, albeit in a very different way, but there's certainly no doubt that the budget is lower than it was for the previous Poirot feature. We don't get to stray too far from the one main location, the cast is undeniably lacking some major star power (aside from the luminous Fey and Yeoh), and it just can't stop feeling, superficially, like an inferior adventure. The spooky fun helps a lot though, and allowed me to put this on a par with its predecessors, despite the shortcomings elsewhere.

Other plus points are the fact that it clocks in at 103 minutes, although it feels a bit longer than that, and a wonderful score from Hildur Guðnadóttir that I recommend, even if you ultimately choose not to watch the film.

Nothing great, nor truly memorable, but enjoyable enough while it's on, which can be said of every one of the Branagh Poirot movies to date. At least the man is consistent when it comes to his attempts to serve up tales of the famous Belgian detective.

6/10

Thursday, 26 February 2026

Hamnet (2025)

For all of the praise heaped upon it, and all of the love it has already received, I found myself not enjoying Hamnet, for the most part. I was impressed by the lead performances, both Jessie Buckley and Paul Mescal are excellent, but I wasn't particularly invested in it, or moved by the painful core of it. Or so I thought. Then something happened near the very end of the film and I was in tears, the entire essence of the film unfurling in front of me like some flower coming into bloom. I don't know if others will feel the same way, but I encourage you all to have patience with this until the very end.

Buckley plays Agnes, a woman who weds a certain William Shakespeare (Mescal). After an intense and secretive start to their relationship, things must progress quickly when Agnes becomes pregnant. Agnes is eventually left for periods of time to look after their children while Shakespeare spends time in London seeing if he can make any kind of living from this writing lark. Not present for the death of his son, Shakespeare seems unable to console and support his wife, and she's not even sure how impacted he is by the event. But it turns out that he is devastated, and tries to convey his emotions in a play that explores grief and family, and also happens to be one of the best ever written.

Based on the novel by Maggie O'Farrell, who helped to adapt it into screenplay form with director Chloé Zhao, Hamnet is a decent enough film, for the most part, until it sneaks up to you and delivers a one-two gut punch in the third act. Hearing very familiar quotes completely reframed by new context that the story focuses on makes everything feel more emotional and resonant, and the destination makes the uneven journey completely worthwhile. I still wouldn't consider this quite as praiseworthy as many others would, but it's certainly worth watching at least once.

Mescal and Buckley are both as good as you'd expect, the latter being recognised for her performance with a number of awards already. The character isn't a million miles away from others that she tends to play though, but she's consistently great, particularly when it comes to the moments that require her to be wracked with real heartache. Mescal has to work around a couple of moments that deliver "Shakespeare 101" soundbites, but certainly looks and feels absolutely right playing such a literary icon. Emily Watson and David Wilmot both excel as the senior Shakespeares, with Watson becoming warmer and more considerate as she accepts her son becoming his own man, and Joe Alwyn is welcome in his small role, playing Bartholomew (brother of Agnes). All of the younger cast members also do well, although the focus is on Jacobi Jupe in the titular role.

Very good, but not great, yet it has one truly memorable moment that moved me more than anything else I have watched in the past year. I could see other people sneering at it though, which would leave the film with very little else to offer them. I have to figure out if that one moment is enough to elevate the entire film, but I don't think it is. The feature is decidedly okay, if a bit overlong and lacking any decent flow, so it all averages out to still being very good. And still being not great.

7/10

Wednesday, 25 February 2026

Prime Time: Playdate (2025)

Another week, another action comedy movie made specifically for a streaming service. While the action comedy would seem like an easy enough thing to get right, the many lesser examples that have appeared over the past few years prove just how hard it can be. Playdate is another one that doesn't work. In fact, I would say it's almost a complete failure, with very few decent laughs and not enough competent action.

Kevin James plays Brian, stepfather to Lucas (Benjamin Pajak). Trying the usual father-son bonding activities that he knows, which seems to amount to playing catch and trying to present himself as some kind of shining example of manly strenth and reliability, Brian finds himself slightly at a loss as Lucas prefers more artistic activities, such as choreographed dance routines. While at a local park, Brian and Lucas encounter Jeff (Alan Ritchson) and his son, CJ (Banks Pierce). They seem to be the exact opposites of Brian and Lucas, but Jeff immediately claims Brian as a new BFF, which leads to all four of our main characters dragged into a situation that involves a secret science facility, a load of mercs, and one or two completely unsurprising revelations about Jeff and CJ.

This is easily the worst film that I've seen from director Luke Greenfield, and that is saying something, especially when you consider that his first feature was The Animal. As has happened many times before, he's a director who has too much faith in his writer, Neil Goldman, and his leads. Goldman, having done some great work on TV shows over the years, completely misses the mark here, although I have to wonder if he was trying to craft something around two stars who just weren't a good fit for this.

James does what James usually does, which makes him the less problematic of the two leads. It's Ritchson who never feels quite right in his role, forced to make his character silly and over the top in a way that drags down the whole film. Obviously aiming to emulate the kind of mismatched pairing that worked so well for the likes of Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson, especially with the latter being quirky and daft in Central Intelligence, nobody seems to have figured out that you need to find a way to still show some heart and humanity if you want viewers to root for your leads. Both Pajak and Pierce are much better, enjoyably contrasting against one another, but also managing to become fast friends in a way that is believable and sweet, just because of them being kids . . . and that is what kids do. Sarah Chalke gets screentime that adds up to about a minute, Alan Tudyk likewise, and there are mildly amusing moments for Isla Fisher, Stephen Root, and Paul Walter Hauser.

I may have chuckled once or twice, maybe (the memory is already hazy as my brain tries to protect me from the pain). I enjoyed some of the fight choreography. That's about all I can say. James was on auto-pilot, Ritchson sorely misjudged his approach to the material, and I spent most of the runtime (which was, thankfully, just about the 90-minute mark) wishing for it to just end.

3/10

Tuesday, 24 February 2026

Marty Supreme (2025)

I saw many people mention Marty Supreme as a film in a similar vein to Uncut Gems. I would disagree. I think it's actually more in line with Inside Llewyn Davis. While not looking at grief in the way that film does, it gives us a central character who keeps making himself into the biggest obstacle to his potential success.

Timothée Chalamet plays Marty Mauser, a young man who fancies himself as the world greatest table tennis player. Nobody else really thinks there's a future in that though, and very few people view it as a sport. Marty cannot really afford the life of a dedicated sportsman, which is why he spends some of his time hustling others with his friend, Wally (Tyler Okonma AKA Tyler The Creator). He also spends some of his time being far too intimate with the married Rachel (Odessa A'zion), but ends up in the orbit of an actress searching for a comeback (Kay Stone, played by Gwyneth Paltrow), her rich husband (Milton Rockwell, played by Kevin O'Leary), and a gangster (Abel Ferrara) with a stash of cash and a need for someone to temporarily care for his dog.

Directed by Josh Safdie, who also co-wrote the screenplay with regular collaborator Ronald Bronstein, this manages to play fast and loose within the confines of the sports movie structure, yet also give viewers something that hits a couple of very familiar beats. Based loosely on the real-life Marty Reisman, this keeps us alongside someone strangely captivating, despite being so selfish and loathsome, in a 1950s world accompanied by an enjoyably anachronistic soundtrack (although I was very dissappointed that "Just A Song About Ping Pong" wasn't used). While things go from bad to worse for Marty, he's so consistently self-destructive that any potential bad end feels absolutely expected, and even slightly deserved, removing some of the tension that would otherwise be thrumming throughout every scene.

Chalamet is absolutely superb in the main role, giving an impressively vanity-free performance that sees him playing the lousiest character he's yet played onscreen (and, let's not forget, he played a damn cannibal in one of his previous features). A'zion is also very good, and does well in her scenes with Chalamet to make you believe that she sees something in him that others may miss. Paltrow and O'Leary are both excellent, and both get scenes that allow them to steal the spotlight away from our main character for at least a moment or two, and Okonma excels in his supporting role. Ferrara is a lot of fun, being as mean and dangerous as can be, and there are also damn fine performances from Larry Ratso Sloman, Fran Drescher (who I wish had been in it for a bit longer), Isaac Simon, Penn Jillette, Luke Manley, and Koto Kawaguchi.

There's an excellent score from Daniel Lopatin, great production design throughout that keeps you grounded in 1950s New York (despite those soundtrack choices), and a necessarily impressive display of table tennis in a few main sequences. Some will find it insufferable, because of Marty being so insufferable, but I hope that most will find it as compelling and entertaining as I did. I may not rush to rewatch it, but I AM still thinking about some key moments that won't be leaving my memory any time soon. The fact that the tension feels slightly less palpable, undercut by the personality of Marty, actually makes it a more enjoyable viewing experience than it otherwise would have been.

Oh, and it may have one of the best opening credit sequences of all time.

9/10

Monday, 23 February 2026

Sentimental Value (2025)

I didn't realise it at the time, but I have now seen every fictional feature from director Joachim Trier. All of them are worth watching, and some of them are truly fantastic. Sentimental Value has already received a hell of a lot of praise since it was released, which had me keen to check it out, but it's ultimately not there alongside the very best from the director.

Stellan Skarsgård plays Gustav Borg, an elderly film-maker hoping to recharge his career with a personal dramatic film that explores some important events that affected his family. He wants his daughter, Nora (Renate Reinsve), to take on the main role, but she refuses. So he hires another actress, Rachel (Elle Fanning), instead. This makes things strange and awkward, of course, and the film looks set to cause a major rift between father and daughter. Well . . . it looks set to widen the rift that was already there.

A look at processing issues through art, a look at sacrifice, and a look at how difficult it can be to let things go (whether that is resentment, a dream, or even a family home), Sentimental Value is smart, strange, and thought-provoking throughout. It will work especially well for those people who think back on their own family issues (and what family doesn't have issues?), yet there's also something surprisingly optimistic and sweet about the way things develop in the third act.

Trier, who co-wrote the film with long-time collaborator Eskil Vogt, has faith in his talented cast, allowing him to show their characters as flawed, abrasive, and still grasping for answers that could have been available to them many years ago. The world of art may be unfamiliar to most viewers, but everything here is grounded in that family dynamic, first and foremost, and the core idea just makes it easier to view parallels between the main characters as introspection and reconsideration of the past is encouraged.

Skarsgård is fantastic in his role, something akin to a softer version of the many people he has played for another celebrated director, Lars von Trier, throughout his career, and Reinsve is very believable as the daughter standing against what she sees as a horrible reappropriation of their family history. Inga Ibsdotter Lilleaas is also very good, playing the other daughter, Agnes, who is helped to stay a step removed from the situation by the fact that she isn't in the world of acting, and Fanning is quietly impressive, as she has been in almost every role she's had throughout her career.

While I would put pretty much every other Trier film from the last decade or so ahead of this one, Sentimental Value is a very good film. It maybe lacks some edge, and I would have liked more scenes showing the fractures between father and daughter developing and growing ever-larger, but it's a delicate and intelligent way to show an attempt to heal that not many get to try. Maybe if we just found it a bit easier to let go sometimes.

7/10

Sunday, 22 February 2026

Netflix And Chill: Runaway Jury (2003)

Note: I watched this film yesterday on UK Netflix, ready for thos review to be written today. Yesterday was the last day that Runaway Jury was available on the service here in the UK. Such is the fickle nature of streaming services.

Like many films from the '90s and 2000s, Runaway Jury now feels like a more comforting watch today than it did when first released. It's based on a John Grisham novel, coming along as seemingly the last major attempt to wring more money out of his legal thrillers (until they inevitably come back into fashion at some point), it has a fantastic ensemble cast anchored by two star turns from a couple of acting legends, and it delivers some tension and thrills without needing to shoehorn in any major action set-pieces.

Everything revolves around a trial that sees a woman trying to win a case against a firearms company. Nobody ever wins when they take on the gun industry, but some people hold on to the hope that this case could turn the tide. The one with the most hope is attorney Wendell Rohr (Dustin Hoffman), although that becomes harder to hang onto as he battles against tactics used by jury consultant Rankin Fitch (Gene Hackman). Fitch and his team are bemused by one particular juror though, Nick Easter (John Cusack), and it soon becomes clear how important he is when they are contacted by a woman (Marlee, played by Rachel Weisz) who claims that she can deliver whatever verdict is needed for a big fee.

Adapted into screenplay form by Brian Koppelman, David Levien, Rick Cleveland, and Matthew Chapman, Runaway Jury is full of enjoyable lines of dialoge that are uttered with plenty of energy and power by leads clearly enjoying themselves in their roles. Director Gary Fleder may not put any stamp on the visual style of the film, but he does well to simply stay out of the way of his cast as they do their thing.

What can be said about Hackman that hasn't already been said many times over the years? The world of cinema was undoubtedly better while he was a part of it, and he's absolutely fantastic as the devious and relentless Fitch. Hoffman steps up his game for the scenes shared with Hackman, but he also spends a lot of the runtime focusing on his accent and trying to be almost childishly idealistic. Cusack is a lot of fun in what may well be the last film to make good use of the charm and wit that he used to have in every role, and Weisz enjoys herself in scenes that show her scheming and working hard to maintain an advantage against the powerful people she is dealing with. I won't go into detail on their characters, but the supporting cast includes the likes of Bruce Davison, Bruce McGill, Jeremy Piven, Cliff Curtis, Nick Searcy, Rhoda Griffis, Leland Orser, Nestor Serrano, Jennifer Beals, Gerry Bamman, Bill Nunn, Rusty Schwimmer, Orlando Jones, Luis Guzmán, and Dylan McDermott. If you don't recognise all of those names, trust me, you should recognise most of their faces.

Okay, it's not the best of the Grisham blockbusters (I think we all know that the "first wave" of movies adapted from his work gave us the best films), but this is a fantastic bit of entertainment. It's polished, it's intriguing, it has some obvious twists and turns that prove satisfying by the time everything is resolved, and the 127-minute runtime never drags, thanks in no small part to the feeling that you're never too far away from another great moment for Hackman, Hoffman, or Cusack. It's not one I think about too often, but it's one I am surprisingly happy to rewatch whenever the opportunity arises.

7/10

Saturday, 21 February 2026

Shudder Saturday: Cloud (2024)

Writer-director Kiyoshi Kurosawa is someone I am always happy to make time for. While I've seen the odd film from him that I didn't love, but still at least liked, many of his features are absolutely fantastic. The man is a master when it comes to unsettling atmosphere and off-kilter moments that show a main character being dragged further and further from the safety of their everyday life.

Cloud is all about an online reseller (Ryôsuke Yoshii, played by Masaki Suda). He often rips people off, whether it's low-balling those he buys his stock from or selling fake goods on to people who are then seriously angered by the fact that they were conned. Some people are so angered, in fact, that they start a campaign to doxx Yoshii, aiming to physically confront him, and maybe even take things to a deadly conclusion. As the threat looms larger around him, Yoshii finds himself becoming more and more isolated, having fired an eager young assistant (Sano, played by Daiken Okudaira) and stepped back slightly from his relationship with Akiko (Kotone Furukawa).

Whether you've offloaded some goods on ebay, experienced the many cheap offers and silly questions while trying to sell something on Facebook marketplace, or even made the mistake of ordering something from Temu without having read the small print, Cloud is focused on an interaction that most of us have tried at least once. That grounds everything in a way that allows the violence and extreme developments in the third act to feel surprisingly plausible. I am not on about any graphic or disturbing content when I say extreme developments, by the way, but rather the lengths that various people go to in order to satisfy an angry bloodlust that has been exponentially increased as they become emboldened while part of a large group.

Suda is very good as a lead character who isn't softened or made easy to like. He's an online grifter, but also constantly offering people a simple choice. Sellers can accept his offer for their goods or not, and buyers can spend time wondering about prices that seem too good to be true or just quickly click and see what arrives on their doorstep. Nobody is forced to do anything, even if the end result doesn't work out the way they want it to. Both Furukawa and Okudaira are also very good, the latter particularly enjoyable when his character barges back into the acting in time for an impressive and thought-provoking ending. Other excellent performances come from Amana Okayama, Yoshiyoshi Arakawa, Yutaka Matsushige, and Tetsuya Chiba, as well as others who make up the largely hostile group of people who do more than offer negative feedback to their least favourite online seller.

Intriguing, impressively mixing moments that feel a bit easy to dismiss with moments that feel all too plausible in a world that has given more information and power to those who can easily navigate their way around every dark and hidden corner of the internet, Cloud may not be up there with the best of Kurosawa, but it once again shows the ease with which he can tilt our world by just a few degrees to show people precariously balanced on a tightrope spanning a chasm that leads all the way to hell.

7/10

Friday, 20 February 2026

Death On The Nile (2022)

It took me long enough to get around to this, the second Poirot adventure starring, and directed by, Kenneth Branagh, and I was wondering if I should delay it any long as the earliest scenes played out (a sequence showing Poirot in wartime action that feels far too much like a superhero origin prologue). Things did not bode well. Thankfully, the rest of the film is much better, helped by a sprawling cast that has enough welcome performers to make up for those you may be less inclined to want on your screen.

Everything is basically summed up by the title. Poirot is invited to join the celebrations of a pair of newlyweds (Armie Hammer and Gal Gadot), as well as an assemblage of friends and acquaintances. There's trouble in the air though. An angry ex (Emma Mackey), who may be out for deadly revenge.

With Michael Green back for the job of adapting Agatha Christie's work into movie form, and Branagh very comfortable as the lead, there's very little here that should deter those who enjoyed Murder On The Orient Express. I would say that this is a more showy and beautiful film, helped in no small part by the setting, and Branagh has never been someone who could be accused of lacking confidence or the ability to add multiple cinematic flourishes to very traditional material.

Hammer is fine in his role, Gadot feels very much out of her depth, and Mackey is good fun, but the best moments come from many of the supporting players. Annette Bening and (returning) Tom Bateman are both on great form, a mother and son who both view Poirot in quite different ways. It's always nice to see Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders working alongside one another onscreen again. Rose Leslie does okay with a fairly anaemic role, and Russell Brand appears just often enough to make his inclusion feel unfortunate, but both Letitia Wright and Sophie Okonedo light up the screen with their presence. Branagh remains a lot of fun as Poirot, once the film moves beyond that unwanted opening sequence, and he's allowed, as usual, to showboat and relish his dialogue in the grand finale.

It doesn’t seem right to mention plotting in an adaptation of Agatha Christie, but fans should be pleased that this feels nicely in line with what you would expect from her. I haven’t read the source material (note to self, get back to exploring more Agatha Christie tales), but Christie is such a known institution that it would be very easy to tell when something felt . . . off.

Not great, not exactly cinematic throughout (despite Branagh trying his best), but comforting and enjoyable nonetheless. I may even get around to the next film very shortly, considering that has the bonus of Michelle Yeoh in one of the main roles. Or maybe I will take as long to get around to it as I took to get around to this one. After all, they don’t exactly set my little grey cells on fire with excitement.

6/10

Thursday, 19 February 2026

The Red Shoes (1948)

A film with a reputation that has seen it constantly hailed as one of the all-time greats for almost eight decades now. It wasn't exactly a huge success when initially released, but thank goodness we can all remember not to judge movies based entirely on their box office.

Moira Shearer plays Victoria Page, a young woman who eventually gets herself noticed by Boris Lermontov (Anton Walbrook), the man in charge of a world-famous ballet company. Initially seeming to be unimpressed by her talent, Boris eventually sees her dancing in a way that suggests to him that she could be one of the very best. It will take dedication though, as well as some sacrifice and pain. Which is why Boris is displeased when Victoria begins a relationship with Julian Craster (Marius Goring), another huge talent.

Taking inspiration from the Hans Christian Andersen tale, it's layered throughout the second half of the movie, particularly when Victoria becomes famous for her lead role in The Red Shoes ballet, this is 135 minutes of wonderful entertainment, glorious visuals, and a real feeling of building hysteria. Page is driven to dance, it's a need that consumes her as she becomes more and more confident in her talents. Lermontov is also driven, mixing honey and vinegar in his interactions with those who are puppeted by his Svengali manipulations. Craster may be the only one who comes closest to contentment, accepting that some things just aren't worth the price to be paid.

Directors Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger, both having also worked on forming the screenplay, with some additional work from Keith Winter, seem determined to push at the very boundaries of cinema, crafting a meta tale of artistry, passion, and the lengths that people will go to in order to feel the appreciation of an adoring audience. They don't care about making the main characters particularly warm or pleasant to be around, they don't care about viewers potentially getting impatient when they interrupt the narrative to showcase some highlights from the main ballet show, and they don't care about keeping things neat and tidy while illustrating the world being viewed through a fevered and damaged mindset. They only care about the full experience, and The Red Shoes is a phenomenal work of art that impresses now just as much as it would have impressed anyone back when it was first released in the late 1940s.

Shearer is an absolute wonder in her role, thankfully having more than enough ballet experience to make her convincing as the talented Victoria. Considering this is her feature film debut, however, it's very impressive that she does so well with the actual acting required alongside her flawless dance moves. Goring does fine in his role, but he's really there to facilitate the third act, where a very difficult choice must be made by our leading lady, and Robert Helpmann, Albert Bassermann, and a number of others provide excellent support. Walbrook is the one casting the largest shadow though, delivering someone who somehow manages to be both loathsome and captivating in equal measure. There's a straight line from his character to the one played by J. K. Simmons in Whiplash, and I only wish I knew that when I first watched Damien Chazelle's jazzy masterpiece.

The music matches the visuals, there are wonderful special effects used at just the right times to further blur the lines between reality and fantasy, and it's very hard to think of any other film that comes close to this for the intertwining of artistry and that sensation of developing a high fever. It may well be absolutely perfect.

10/10

Wednesday, 18 February 2026

Prime Time: Margin Call (2011)

Another film that I had heard praised often over the past decade or so, Margin Call is a snapshot of the very beginning of the 2008 financial crisis. Okay, maybe not the VERY beginning, which was actually far back when financial institutions started to get more carefree and cocky with their ability to repackage and resell major debts, but it's certainly the day that saw a shockwave ripple through the world of finance. As we call all see now though, no permanent change came from this, at least nothing notable to stop the rich exploiting the market to get even richer while the relatively poor majority get left to pick up the pieces whenever a bubble bursts. So Margin Call feels a bit more sour as a viewing experience because of that knowledge.

Just as he's being removed from his key position in an investment bank, Eric Dale (Stanley Tucci) passes some of his work over to Peter Sullivan (Zachary Quinto) and asks him to look into it. Sullivan does, and what he finds makes him talk it over with Will Emerson (Paul Bettany), who passes it up the chain to Sam Rogers (Kevin Spacey), Jared Cohen (Simon Baker), and, where the buck ultimately stops, John Tuld (Jeremy Irons). Things are set to become very bad, and there will need to be a sacrifice. Will it be Eric, or will it be the tough and ready-for-a-fight Sarah Robertson (Demi Moore).

Margin Call works well by spelling out the circumstances that helped to create the perfect storm that upset everything back in 2008. Viewers may not get every nuance and detail, but there's always enough to at least get some tenuous grasp on (helped by one character specifically asking to have the whole thing explained to him as if he was a child). Writer-director J. C. Chandor knows how to convey the required information, and he also delivers a number of exchanges that reveal the motivations and environment that these main characters are used to, but he also seems to have delivered something that could easily be read as "won't someone think of the poor bankers?" Maybe I am misreading a number of scenes, but it's hard to find any sympathy for characters who are either due to be handsomely rewarded while the rest of the world falls into financial ruin or simply start whining because they won't stay on track to make the millions that they've been dreaming about for some time.

The cast are all very good, at least there's that. Quinto is particularly enjoyable, and his performance here reminded me of how much more I would like to see him do. Tucci is never bad, Spacey works well, and Baker, Moore, and Irons are all very believable. It's Bettany who steals the movie though, even outshining Quinto. Whether providing a running commentary on the unfolding situation or helping to prepare his colleagues for whatever fate might await them, Bettany is able to be mesmerising and charming without working hard to make his character particularly likable.

There's nothing I can really fault, not when it comes to the dialogue and the performances, but personal preference means that I would recommend a number of other movies ahead of this, movies that quite rightly point to those exploiting the situation and blaming them for making a bad time even worse for many other innocent (and not-so-innocent) parties.

7/10

Tuesday, 17 February 2026

The Day The Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie (2024)

I heard from someone recently that this has been hailed as the first fully-animated Looney Tunes feature film and I was ready to dispute that claim. Then I realised that the beloved features I was thinking of, films I watched repeatedly throughout my childhood, were actually the compendiums that simply stitched a number of their memorable cartoons together. So, yeah, The Day The Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie is the first fully-animated Looney Tunes movies. Which perhaps explains why I wanted it to be so much better.

Daffy Duck and Porky Pig (both voiced here by Eric Bauza) have been brought up together by the kindly Father Jim (Fred Tatasciore). Sadly, Farmer Jim passes away in some of the earliest scenes in the movie, leaving Daffy and Porky to look after their home. That becomes tricky when their roof is damaged by a UFO. Trying a variety of jobs to raise money for the repair, it soon becomes obvious that Daffy is a bit more of a liability than Porky, but it's the former who stumbles upon an alien plan to control the human race via bubblegum. Daffy and Porky end up working with Petunia Pig (Candi Milo) on a plan to save the planet. But are they the ones we really want to trust with the fate of the world?

Written by about a dozen people, including director Peter Browngardt, this is a fun riff on many classic sci-fi movies from the 1950s. Eagle-eyed fans will be kept busy looking out for all of the references and homages (there's even an unexpectedly brilliant use of imagery many will recognise from John Carpenter's The Thing). Unfortunately, as much fun as that is, the sci-fi element doesn't make up for the fact that this is slightly lacking in the Looney Tuney department. Daffy Duck and Porky Pig are iconic enough, but the lack of other familiar faces is hugely disappointing. Would it have taken too much brainstorming to make use of Pepé Le Pew's particular . . . ability? Have Tweety Pie and Sylvester teaming up to explore dangerous territory? There's not even a Duck Dodgers or Marvin The Martian moment, and that doesn't sit right with me.

The animation style is pleasant and lively, as you'd expect for a Looney Tunes adventure, and there are enough gags thrown around that enough of them land in between the many that don't work quite as well, but there's something missing here. There's no outright anarchy, which was always one of the best things associated with Looney Tunes. Okay, there's one moment, the best moment in the entire film, that feels full-on anarchic. That's it though. One drop of water in an arid desert.

Bauza does well with his voice roles (and let's not understate how essential that is) , as does Milo, and Peter MacNicol is a great choice to provide the voice of The Invader. The entire voice cast are quite flawless, as is all of the foley work and the score. I wish they'd all been in a much better movie.

I've already heard a lot of praise for this, and I'm happy that other people have enjoyed it a bit more than I did. I enjoyed it as a bit of animated fun, don't get me wrong, but I didn't once feel that it came close to fully embracing the potential of the Looney Tunes "looney-verse".

6/10

Monday, 16 February 2026

Mubi Monday: Irma la Douce (1963)

I love many Billy Wilder movies. I love many Jack Lemmon movies. I also love many Shirley MacLaine movies. The three of them collaborated memorably on an all-time great back in 1960 so I went into this feature with no small amount of optimism. Friends did warn me though. Don't expect another The Apartment was the general advice. I like to think that I didn't go in with those kind of expectations. I certainly wasn't prepared for what I got though.

MacLaine plays Irma, a prostitute in Paris with a stellar reputation. Lemmon is Nestor, a young policeman who ends up losing his job after a very short time on the beat. With these two characters eventually falling for one another, it's not long until Nestor is in the tricky position of enjoying a good life afforded to him by his loving woman while also resenting what she does to earn her money. Without thinking of the full repercussions, Nestor comes up with an idea to approach Irma as a rich Englishman, one who will pay her so well for her company that she won't need to see any other clients. The major flaw, of course, is that Nestor then has to find a way to earn enough money to pay Irma for her time. As distance grows between them, Irma may well want to find out just how good a life she could have if she decides to head off into the sunset with her super-rich client.

Knowing that this was based on a French stage musical that originated in the mid-1950s helps to explain why some of the main names may have been attracted to this material, but it doesn't help to explain the many decisions made in adapting it from stage to screen. Not including any major song and dance numbers is one thing, but not doing enough to make the leads more sympathetic and amusing is something else altogether. Any major obstacles are of their own making, the whole thing is far too silly to even come close to being satisfyingly dramatic at any point, and, worst of all, the comedy often falls completely flat, soured by the central premise and the selfishness of the Lemmon's character. A couple of sequences in the third act work well, but they're too little too late in a film that greatly overstays its welcome with a runtime of 147 minutes.

Lemmon retains some likability, but that's more due to his own personality than anything written in the screenplay. MacLaine is good enough, but forced to remain oblivious to certain details that need to remain unknown to her for the unfolding plot to work. Lou Jacobi gets quite a few of the best lines, and the fact that he is the only other person to know about the ongoing scheme, and the problems caused by it, also allows him to comment on things with a level of insight and wit missing from the other characters. Other cast members worth mentioning are Bruce Yarnell ( a rival named Hippolyte), Herschel Bernardi (Inspector Lefevre), and Tura Satana (Suzette Wong, but mentioned here just for being Tura Satana). There's also a very small role for Bill Bixby, who will be easy to recognise for those keeping an eye out for him.

I might have liked this as a musical. That might have been enough to distract me from the many failings elsewhere, particularly when it comes to the lack of great dialogue and gags. It wasn't to be though. Maybe Wilder, who also wrote the screenplay with I. A. L. Diamond, knew that he wouldn't be the right person to helm this as a musical feature. Unfortunately, I don't think he was the right person to helm this at all. What it really lacks is a protective layer of whimsy and fantasy to cover up and smother the many jagged edges that make it impossible to warm to.

4/10

Sunday, 15 February 2026

Netflix And Chill: Sabrina (1995)

Although I like Harrison Ford, and have always been a big fan of his most iconic roles, I have overlooked many of his performances in "lesser"movies that I am only now keen to check out. This is all due to getting to see a bit more of Ford offscreen, and enjoying the droll and sardonic nature he often deploys in interviews. Age has allowed him to settle into the persona of an outright curmudgeon, but that has always seemed to be his preferred position.

Sabrina, a remake of a Billy Wilder-Audrey Hepburn-Humphrey Bogart film I am not familiar with, is the tale of a chauffeur's daughter (the titular Sabrina, played here by Julia Ormond) who has spent her life in love with the young playboy (David, played by Greg Kinnear) of the rich family that her father works for. Aiming to stay away from him when she is older, Sabrina starts life anew in Paris, but she is drawn back to David when she hears that he is finally looking to settle down and get married. His union with Elizabeth Tyson (Lauren Holly) will work in the favour of his older brother (Linus, played by Ford), who is looking to put together a very attractive merger package with Elizabeth's parents. As it quickly becomes clear that Sabrina may throw a spanner in the works, Linus sets out to distract her. Which is when he inevitably starts falling for her.

Written by Barbara Benedek and David Rayfiel, who I assume just had to tweak the source material to match their stars and the shiny modern world of the mid-90s, Sabrina is lightweight and surprisingly enjoyable throughout, mainly thanks to the casting. It's all a bit odd during the opening scenes, up until Sabrina returns and reconnects with a very impressed David, but things soon settle into a pleasing narrative that shows the ice cold and business-minded Linus being thawed out and reminded of how much more fun he could be having with all of his money and resources.

Director Sydney Pollack has always been reliable, if not always the very best choice for most of the films that he helmed, but he always had a particular knack for working with enjoyably varied casts orbiting one or two big names, which is why he does so well here. Ford may be the star, but Kinnear also gets to dazzle, and Ormond is allowed to give the kind of performance that feels like it's announcing her as a new shining star in the constellation of great leading ladies.

Ford gives the kind of performance I was hoping for here, very gruff and matter-of-fact while others act emotionally around him, and his ever-present charisma make the third act easy to buy into when people start to suspect that he and Sabrina have a connection. Ormond manages to delight and enchant without ever being turned into a complete "manic pixie dream girl"stereotype. She's just someone who was once an outsider, supported by a loving father to be able to do whatever she truly wanted to do with her life. Kinnear is sidelined for a lot of the runtime, but his main scenes, whether sitting down on some champagne glasses or reasserting his place in the family business, are highlights. Holly does well enough in her role, Richard Crenna and Angie Dickinson are a good choice to play her parents, Nancy Marchand is the mother of both David and Linus, and plays her part well, and John Wood, playing Sabrina's father, tries hard to stop you from wondering how much better someone like Tom Conti, James Fox, or Tom Courtenay would have been in his role. It's fun to see Paul Giamatti in a very small role, before he was being celebrated for his body of work, and Dana Ivey gets to deliver some of the best lines in the script as a very capable secretary/P.A.

It's easy to see why this wasn't a big hit when it was first released, and easy to see why it's one of many films destined to be forgotten by film fans seeking out more interesting fare, or just some of the many films that are much better than this, but Sabrina is full of performances and moments that should at least keep you smiling throughout. If you remain completely unmoved by any of it, I suspect you're actually the real-life equivalent of the character portrayed by Ford.

7/10

Saturday, 14 February 2026

Shudder Saturday: Swallowed (2022)

Whether you like or dislike his work, writer-director Carter Smith has been assembling an interesting filmography throughout the past few decades. The fact that he also directed the music video for what is arguably the catchiest and best song from S Club 7 is also a bit of a bonus, although I appreciate that few other people will agree with me on that.

Swallowed is the tale of two friends who end up getting involved in a perilous drug run. Benjamin (Cooper Koch) and Dom (Jose Colon) think they can make some good money with little risk, but the woman overseeing the operation (Alice, played by Jena Malone) quickly changes their mind, forcing them to swallow baggies that she warns them are very fragile and very valuable. If anything happens to them then it's not going to be a good time for our leads, and it may ultimately lead to death. It would also upset the man looking to make a lot of money from the deal (Rich, played by Mark Patton).

Starting off as a straightforward drama, turning into a dark thriller about people who get into a criminal plan that is way over their heads, and then adding some icky and impressive body horror moments in the second half, Swallowed is an impressive horror twist on a crime movie standard. Benjamin and Dom also have the additional risk that comes from their sexuality, especially when moving through the kind of territory that has them encountering a character credited as Randy Redneck (Michael Shawn Curtis), but that is also an important factor that directs and shapes the third act into something a bit fresh.

Koch and Colon are both very good, certainly when it comes to performing the physical stuff (both the placement and extraction of the goods being a key part of some sequences), Malone is enjoyably focused and determined to make the most of her hesitant mules, and Patton enjoys what may be the best role of his entire film career, although I admit to being unfamiliar with most of his work outside his (in)famous Elm Street instalment.

Despite not having any major set-pieces, and despite being much more restrained and more tame than you might expect, with more things implied than overtly shown onscreen, this does just enough to keep viewers interested and engaged for the duration of the 96-minute runtime. The opening scenes may have you getting a bit impatient, but everything is set up nicely for what is about to unfold. And when the danger starts to become apparent, the film is impressively dark and disturbing without having to lean as far into the grossness and discomfort as it could. A lot of that is down to Smith, for his main premise and handling of it, but this is also a film made all the better thanks to the entire team both behind and in front of the camera, with notable contributions from Dan Martin in the effects department and everyone involved with the impressive sound design.

7/10

Friday, 13 February 2026

Anaconda (2025)

If the world was crying out for a comedic reboot of the Anaconda movie series then nobody decided to mention that to me. There's a chance that the world wasn't crying out for such a thing, but then . . . why would this exist otherwise?

Jack Black plays Doug McCallister, a man stuck making wedding videos when he really wants to be directing movies. His long-time friend, Ronald Griffin Jr. (Paul Rudd), is an actor unable to really gain any momentum in his career. Ronald doesn't have much going for him, but he does have the rights to Anaconda, apparently, which leads to him convincing Doug, Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn) to travel to the Amazon and rework a movie they all have a strangely strong connection with. They meet Ana (Daniela Melchior) once over there, a capable woman who ends up being added to the small cast of their movie, and eventually also meet a very real, and very large, anaconda.

Written by Kevin Etten and directed by Tom Gormican, who both entertained me with their last collaboration, The Unbearable Weight Of Massive Talent, this is one of the strangest and least satisfying mainstream movies I have watched in some time. Okay, I wasn't exactly hyped for this when I first heard about the tonal change in the series, but I still assumed that my appreciation of the main cast members would allow me to get some enjoyment from it. I was VERY wrong.

Jack Black can be very funny, Paul Rudd is someone I consider a bit of a treasure, Steve Zahn has been delivering delightful turns for decades now, and Thandiwe Newton has done enough good work by now to make me forgive her stilted performance in the second Mission: Impossible movie. I want to be clear about how much I like all of these people in the right movies. This is not the right movie. It's a tonal mess that doesn't do well enough with the jokes about film-making, doesn't deliver any proper snakey thrills, and doesn't have anything else going for it, with the exception of a couple of fun cameos. Zahn is a highlight, but Dan Silveira upstages everyone as a snake-handler named Timo who has the advantage of possessing a snake that he claims is friendly and obedient, despite the size of the thing. Melchior, and the entire sub-plot that she's involved with, feels completely unnecessary, and I would have much preferred the movie to concentrate on the other added conflict that is brought up at just around the halfway mark before being fumbled and discarded within the space of a few scenes.

Undemanding viewers should still find one or two chuckles here, but they're too few and far between throughout the 99-minute runtime. Other than those fleeting bright spots, nothing else works. At all. And it's saying something when you watch a 2025 Anaconda movie and start thinking fondly of the uneven special effects in the 1997 film.

Maybe not the worst mainstream movie I've seen this decade, but I am currently struggling to think of one I would rank below it.

3/10

Thursday, 12 February 2026

Song Sung Blue (2025)

I am happy to admit that I spent a lot of time thinking that Song Sung Blue was a very different movie. Having not been interested enough to look any further into it, unable to even muster enough enthusiasm to check out the trailer, I believed that this was a Neil Diamond biopic. I was quite wrong, and all of those already familiar with the story, presented in a 2008 documentary by Greg Kohs, would have laughed at my utter wrong-ness.

What you have here is the story of Mike (Hugh Jackman) and Claire (Kate Hudson), a pair of individuals who encounter one another while performing separate musical tribute acts. Once they begin a relationship, the two support one another in ways that help to lift them both up, allowing their double-act, Lightning And Thunder, to become a huge success in their Milwaukee home city. There are some clouds moving in to block the sunshine though.

This is a movie made by the central performances of Jackman and Hudson, with the latter particularly revelatory in a role that has quite rightly garnered her a good amount of praise already. Jackman can do the song and dance man thing in his sleep, he's arguably in his comfort zone when acting in anything that allows him to flex his musical muscles, but Hudson shows that she can easily match him, whether it's in the singing department or the emotional beats. Ella Anderson and Hudson Hensley are both quite delightful, playing Claire's two children who soon become happy to refer to Mike as their father, and King Princess works well in a couple of scenes as Mike's daughter (who lives with her mother, but seems to have a decent enough relationship with her father, considering the demons he has been battling over the years). There are also very sweet turns from Michael Imperioli, Fisher Stevens, Jim Belushi, and Mustafa Shakir, all helping to create a supportive and loving core matching the supporting and loving couple at the heart of the film.

Director Craig Brewer has been drawn to music-infused stories a number of times throughout his career (and I highly recommend his sophomore feature, Hustle & Flow), but this is probably his most obvious attempt to deliver a crowd-pleaser that should satisfy most viewers. It has the two big names leading the cast, it takes you through some wild highs and lows (IF you are as oblivious of the true story as I was), and the soundtrack is unsurprisingly full of superb songs. Especially if you're a Neil Diamond fan, obviously.

There are problems here though. I don't want to give the impression that this is anything close to a perfect viewing experience. The opening scenes are a bit clumsily thrown together, rushing through various moments until Mike and Claire finally get together, and there isn't often a clear enough depiction of how much time is supposed to have passed in between major events. In a classic case of the truth being stranger than fiction, there's also at least one scene that feels like a cute contrivance, despite it being based on something that actually happened.

Really easy to enjoy while it's on, but another 2025 film that I'm not sure I'll ever rewatch (although I certainly want to check out that doc), Song Sung Blue is at least guaranteed to do one thing . . . it will have you listening to a number of Neil Diamond hits once you have been reminded of how bloody great they are.

7/10

Wednesday, 11 February 2026

Prime Time: F Valentine's Day (2026)

AKA F**k Valentine's Day.

It may not be an entirely new phenomenon, but there seem to be more rom-coms nowadays that try to push themselves as something pretending to be anti-rom-coms. F Valentines Day is one of those movies, as if you couldn't guess from the title.

Virginia Gardner plays Gina, a young woman who hates Valentine's Day. It's her birthday, but the day is given over to love and hearts and a multitude of ways to force people to spend extra money and engage in extravagant displays of affection. She explains that to Johnny (Jake Cannavale) when he delivers her a pizza that happens to be shaped into a heart for the big day. As an apology for ranting at him, she then gives him a holiday gift voucher valued at $5,000 (although Gina thinks it is just a $50 voucher). Then Gina meets Andrew (Skylar Astin). They don't seem compatible, but maybe that's what they both need. Maybe that's why Andrew plans a holiday after they've been dating for about a year, and maybe that's why he's planning to propose. Gina does not want that proposal, certainly not on Valentine's Day, and it's quite lucky that she's at the same resort as Johnny and his twin sister (Mickey, played by Sabrina Bartlett).

F Valentine's Day has a few decent gags here and there, but nowhere near enough for the 95-minute runtime, and certainly not enough to offset the fact that the main character isn't particularly easy to like. Gina is defined by two main traits: her hatred of Valentine's Day and her ability to lie with ease. Andrew may be what she thinks she needs, but he's hard to like in a different way, mainly due to being too bland and willing to settle with someone so clearly not suitable for him. Writer Steve Bencich may have thought that the mismatch would be entertaining and amusing enough, and he may have thought that the third act here is subversive and satisfying enough to keep most viewers happy, but that isn't the case. This is a film that feels mildly enjoyable for a few moments (particularly any scenes that feature Natasha Leggero and Lil Rel Howery), but then moves between irritating and simply mean.

Director Mark Gantt has too much faith in the material, especially when he doesn't even try to distract viewers with a good enough cast. In fact, he doesn't try to distract viewers with anything else. There's a disappointing lack of big laughs, no light and smile-inducing montage moments, no upbeat soundtrack selections, and certainly nothing I would consider a worthwhile set-piece. Aside from the aforementioned Leggero and Howery, the best moments have Gina just receiving some decent advice from her caring mother (Marisa Tomei). Those scenes work because Gina can't keep up the facade that she tends to keep up with everyone else in her life.

Perhaps I'm affected by how much I disliked her character, but Gardner doesn't work here in the lead role. The film needed someone with much more charisma to make up for the inherent character flaws. The same goes for Astin, who never once gets to have even just a hint of edge to his personality, and neither Cannavale nor Bartlett can do enough to overcome the limitations that the screenplay puts on them. I'll mention Leggero and Howery a third time, they deserve it, and Tomei is someone I will never complain about seeing in any role (even if it's not one of her best movies, and this is far from one of her best movies).

Although I didn't really enjoy this, it's probably an easy choice for people to pick if they're browsing their streaming services and hoping to find something that offers a bit of romance without too much of the sugar and schmaltz. It doesn't avoid those things completely, but it's like a Valentine's Day chocolate dessert with a surprisingly sour centre. Some will really like that contrast. I'll always prefer a straightforward molten chocolate cake with some cool cream or ice cream on the side.

4/10