Noir-vember: A Woman's Vengeance (1948)

Written by Aldous Huxley, A Woman's Vengeance is one of many little noir movies that you can watch and enjoy, and then pretty much guarantee that you'll forget about for the rest of your life. It's slight fun, although the 96-minute runtime still somehow includes a resolution that feels surprisingly silly and rushed.

Charles Boyer is the charming Henry Maurier, husband to the sickly Emily (Rachel Kempson). When he's not being absolutely lovely and friendly to Janet Spence (Jessica Tandy), Henry enjoys spending his time with the young and beautiful Doris Mead (Ann Blyth), which obviously gets him viewed with a raised eyebrow or two, at the very least. It also puts him very much in the frame when his wife suddenly dies. Henry is a bit of a cad, perhaps, but is he a murderer?

Making use of a very good, and relatively small, central cast, A Woman's Vengeance is one of a handful of features directed by Zoltan Korda, someone with a short, but seemingly solid, filmography. He directed about twenty films in all, but those included The Four Feathers (1939) and one of the first live-action films to be based on The Jungle Book (1942). He may not be one of the big names in the history of cinema, but he's certainly worth remembering. He does well here, keeping things surprisingly light and jovial on the way to a third act that then starts to tighten the noose around the neck of our main character.

Boyer is a delight in his role, so unrelentingly smooth that you can see why he gains such a strong connection with a number of women in his life. Tandy has to be more stiff and uptight, which she does well, but the best moments show how she is affected whenever she ends up given attention by a man she clearly adores. Blyth is perfect in her role, young and wide-eyed without being too crude or childish, and Kempson does well with her small amount of screentime. Others onscreen include Cedrick Hardwicke and Mildred Matwick (both superb as very different medical professionals), Cecil Humphreys, and Hugh French.

Huxley is probably the biggest asset here though, adapting his own short story, "The Gioconda Smile", into something that delivers a good amount of melodrama and exploration of the human psyche. This may be a bit light on the twists and betrayals that populate so many other, better, film noirs, but the first two acts are like watching a house of cards being built up that you know will be made to fall in the final scenes. It's just a real shame that those final scenes don't work as well as they should, making use of a couple of very obvious tricks that I'm surprised would have impressed viewers even back in 1948. Still, I had a good enough time with the rest of the film. I'll just pretend that it had a better ending.

6/10

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Mubi Monday: Following (1998)

While Following may not be the greatest feature directorial debut ever, it's one that is interesting to watch now, to see how the man behind it has taken his particular preferences and packaged them in some of the most talked-about blockbuster spectacles of the modern age. Because if you want some puzzle to work out, some crisp and clean cinematography, and a non-linear narrative then you're obviously one of the many people to have enjoyed the work of Christopher Nolan. And this is essentially where his film career properly started.

Jeremy Theobald plays a struggling/aspiring writer (billed as "The Young Man") who spends a lot of his time observing random people in the street. He follows them for a while, considering what they may be getting up to with their lives. Unfortunately, or maybe not so unfortunately, The Young Man is caught in the act by a man named Cobb (Alex Haw). Cobb really doesn't want to be followed, mainly because he spends his time observing others, awaiting opportunities to enter their homes and cause some chaos while they're absent. The Young Man is appalled by this, but also intrigued. 

Taking a number of familiar noir elements (the morally "flexible" lead, the cool blonde, played by Lucy Russell, the spiralling journey towards an ending that isn't guaranteed to be happy for anyone involved), Following is a well-made neo-noir that works far better than expected, considering the low budget and limited resources. It's a bit dialogue-heavy, and some of the performances are a bit theatrical, but it's a very slick and entertaining way to spend 70 minutes.

Theobald is good in the main role, being led around by someone clearly out to have some fun with him. He grows more confident in his role, but never becomes as comfortable as the man showing him the ropes. Haw is fun, but he's the one who feels like the most theatrical performer, one raised eyebrow and cheeky grin away from looking at the audience and revealing the mechanics of whatever trick he is working on. Russell does well as The Blonde, and she's allowed to be more than just the vulnerable woman who may or may not also be a femme fatale. One or two others round out the small cast, including John Nolan as a policeman, but Nolan does well to keep the focus on the central trio for most of the runtime.

If you like the films of Christopher Nolan, and most people do, then you should find enough here to interest you. It's fascinating to see how his cine-literacy and talent shine through, despite working with the kind of budget that would now barely cover a week of catering on one of his major productions. He made a British crime film in the late 1990s that somehow, for better or worse, doesn't feel like a British crime film from the late 1990s. That's quite impressive. Even if every subsequent film has allowed him to earn enough success to completely overshadow this humble starting point.

7/10

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Netflix And Chill: Animals (2026)

Although a solid piece of work throughout, there's nothing much surprising about Animals, apart from the fact that it appears to be a remake of a film that isn't given any credit at all. Ben Affleck, here taking on directing, co-writing, and lead actor duties, may have mentioned it elsewhere, but it's certainly not something noted in the movie credits, as far as I could see.

Affleck plays Mark Kimball, a mayoral candidate at a very important juncture. He's struggling to ensure that he gets enough votes, his marriage to Abigail (Kerry Washington) isn't in the best place, and every move he makes and word he speaks is immediately pounced upon and dissected by those following his political journey. Then he receives a call informing him that his son is kidnapped. His advisor, Sam (Steven Yeun), puts him in contact with someone who has experience with these matters, Dayle Burton (Gillian Anderson), and so begins a tense negotiation, one that is as much about how things will be perceived as it is about the large sum of money involved.

There's little here to pick apart. The screenplay, by Connor O. McIntyre, Billy Ray, and Affleck, works well, pacing things nicely throughout the 106-minute runtime and adding every ingredient required to get the whole thing cooking by the third act. The performances are generally very good (with Washington, Yeun, and Anderson being the absolute best of the bunch, although I want to mention Adriana Paz and Luis Gerardo Méndez, both in pivotal supporting roles). Even the moral quandary that Kimball finds himself in is an intriguing and interesting one, considering the various factors at play.

It's just all a bit too familiar, and it would feel that way even to those who aren't aware of the source material. You have the good politician who is forced to "get his hands dirty". You have the idyllic marriage that is obviously crumbling beneath the surface. Anderson, as good as she is, plays the kind of "fixer" that we've seen a hundred times before. This is a good film, and those onscreen make it watchable, but it's probably the least of the features directed by Affleck.

You may have noticed that I haven't mentioned here what film(s) this is reworking. That's because I don't want to spoil the main plot development that twists everything around. Those who know the original will figure it out quite quickly. Others may be pleasantly surprised, and I hope they will then eventually check out the previous incarnations (note - it's not hard to find other articles citing the main influence on this).

Perhaps a bit too unclear when it comes to the points it is trying to make, Animals nevertheless IS at least trying. It's commenting on power, on taking control of a narrative, and even seems to be making a case to be more tolerant and understanding of the many illegal immigrants in the USA who can do the undesirable work that so many others cannot stomach. I had a good time with it while it was on, but I'll never have the urge to rewatch it.

6/10

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Shudder Saturday: Hallowarrior (2026)

I'm not coming here to tell you that Hallowarrior is a great movie. It's not an effective horror, nor is it an entertaining enough dark thriller with some gore thrown around. It is, however, a decent little bit of atmosphere that should pass the time pleasantly enough as we reach the end of the official spooky season.

It's Halloween night, which feels a bit different for a kid living in a post-apocalyptic landscape. Pumpkin (Milly Shapiro) really longs for some company, but she also knows how dangerous that could be. Which doesn't stop her eventually letting Thalia (Shannyn Sossamon), Royce (AJ Bowen), and Wendy (Ajani Russell) spend some time in her home. They seem friendly enough, once proper introductions have been made, but things might change when the visitors learn that nobody else is around to protect Pumpkin. Mind you, Pumpkin may be very capable of protecting herself.

The feature debut of writer-director Ben Sottak, this has enough to make it a decent calling card. It's economical (in terms of the scale and the 78-minute runtime), it looks decent throughout, making use of a colour palette that reflects the . . . Halloween-iness of it all, and there are a handful of very good moments between Pumpkin and the other female characters that she ends up interacting with.

Shapiro in the main role is, sadly, not the best fit. She never seems quite as capable or strong as she needs to be, although that's also due to the writing. Thankfully, she's surrounded by people who do well enough to make up for her mis-casting. Sossamon is allowed to present herself as gentle and caring for a lot of the runtime, playing nice until she decides that it's time not to be nice (to paraphrase Patrick Swayze in Road House), Bowen has more of an air of menace about him, and Russell does a good job of being the youngest visitor, and the one who might be likely to really befriend Pumpkin. There are some others who get screentime, but the heart of the movie is this central quartet.

What's missing here is a film more in line with the title. I was hoping for something a bit more inventive. There should have been more blurring of the lines between reality and a childish fantasy. The bursts of violence should have been just a bit more shocking. And I'm surprised that I didn't ever get the feeling that our young central character was ever close to being in real danger. 

I'm sure that Sottak is happy that he got his film made, and happy that it turned out so well. That's a huge achievement. It's just a shame that things couldn't have been improved before the final cut was put out to audiences. I would be tentatively hopeful if he announced a Hallowarrior 2 though, which shows that he at least did enough right to gain some goodwill from horror fans. 

6/10

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Ice Cream Man (2026)

The best thing about Ice Cream Man is how easy it is to hate, and how easy it is to allow that hate to fuel a rant against how much it does so utterly and disappointingly wrong. It helps that Eli Roth (who really looks like the poster boy to be used when women are warned against leaving their drinks unguarded anywhere men are also present) has been making it easier to forget what some may view as his past glories. And this is coming from someone who had a blast with Thanksgiving when that was released, just a few years ago. 

If you look online to check other summaries of Ice Cream Man, you will see it described as a horror comedy, a black comedy slasher, or just a fun and gory romp surely designed around the motto "sundae, bloody sundae". It isn't any of those things. It's not funny, it has no thrills or chills, there are no interesting characters or plot developments, and the gore is so pathetic in showing how obviously Roth wants to tap in to the Terrifier income stream that it will make many simply roll their eyes. It's also worth noting that few of the special effects are any good, which is a great shame.

An ice cream man (Ari Millen) rolls into town. Most of the kids eat ice cream. Kids become murderous maniacs. That's all there is to this movie. Yes, a handful of young characters avoid the fate of so many others, leaving them charged with battling others and saving the town, and there's a tiresome, and very thin, backstory for the titular character, but that's it.

Roth, who also co-wrote the screenplay with Noah Belson, shows that he's no longer interested in being creative, if he ever really was. He's interested in being a brand, and in crossing over with other brands. That's the only explanation for this absolute trash, and horror movie fans deserve so much better than this.

Apparently intent on making every wrong decision at every possible moment, Roth fills the screen with poor jokes, poor computer effects that make you unable to appreciate the few decent practical moments, and some unnecessary generative AI that I can only hope comes back to bite him on the ass when someone feeds his own filmography into some program and asks it to spit out a gory horror movie titled something like "Hostel Fever". 

I don't want to take the time here to call out any of the cast members. Aside from Millen and Benjamin Byron Davis (someone who delivers the background exposition on the main character), nobody is doing very good work. They're not terrible either, but they don't do well enough to avoid being overshadowed by everything else that's wrong in almost every scene.

Those who want to pretend that this is just a harmless bit of nonsense that should amuse horror fans will probably view me as some uptight wuss. But I would ask those same people, if they are fans of Roth, to revisit his earlier work and then try to argue the point that we've not watched the journey of someone who has gone from being an exciting and passionate horror fanboy to a cynical and money-grubbing hack, with far too little talent, and probably far too big a cyber-wallet stuffed with various crypto-currencies. 

2/10

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Crawlers (2026)

If you have arachnophobia then you're not going to have a good time watching Crawlers, which is the best, and most entertaining, spider horror film since . . . well, Arachnophobia. 

Matilda Lutz is Serena, the put-upon caretaker/handywoman at Paradiso Palms apartments, a building about to become home to some very aggressive spiders. They're not super-sized, although some are a bit bigger than others, but they're fast and mean, and determined to keep getting inside people to feed and breed. Once the building gets locked down, by scientists who don't initially realise that the problem is an arachnid one, Serena ends up trying to rescue a baby, look after young Molly (Andrea Scott), and enlist the help of a very capable and unflappable dominatrix named Lady Lash (Melina Matthews).

Written by Jayson Rothwell, Crawlers is a complete checklist of things you don't ever want to see if you live with a major fear of spiders. Spiders in the kitchen cupboard, including one or two in a coffee cup = check. Spiders crawling into a shoe = check. Spider visible when you rip some sheets off the end of the loo roll = check. Spider crawling into a packet of snack food = check. There are one or two other key visuals, but you get the idea. The first half of this film is absolute nightmare fuel for people like me. It's also full of things being set up that you just know will be paid off in the third act. It's not exactly sophisticated stuff, and some may dislike the way the tone becomes sillier and lighter after such a tense opening act, but it's exactly what I needed to stop me from hyperventilating every time I saw another spider scurrying across the screen.

Director Ángel Gómez Hernández doesn't have the biggest filmography, having helmed a couple of features and numerous shorts, but he knows exactly what to do here, showcasing some gnarly gore and gooey moments, while working with the screenplay to keep viewers dancing back and forth as they watch events unfold and wonder how much they can tolerate.

Lutz is very good in the lead role, and she's allowed to be tough and determined in a way that doesn't make her seem blinkered and stupid. Matthews is a lot of fun, and it's a nice surprise to watch her character become more important on the way to the finale. Scott is fine, if not particularly memorable, Gary Anthony Stennette is welcome when he appears as a scientist who eventually figures out what exactly is going on, and William Miller steals a couple of scenes as Mr. Rossmore, the money-hungry asshole owner of the building.

Using certain criteria, Crawlers isn't great. But using the criteria specific to entertaining spider-filled horror movies, it ends up very close to the top of the pile. I recommend it to everyone who breaks out in cold sweat as I do whenever a spider is spotted crawling across the living room carpet, even if (like me) you end up swearing a lot while averting your eyes from some of the more incy wincy "highlights". 

8/10

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Prime Time: Highway To Hell (1991)

If you're going to watch one horror comedy that features a moment in which Gilbert Gottfried portrays Hitler then Highway To Hell is the film for you.

Charlie Sykes (Chad Lowe) and Rachel Clark (Kristy Swanson) are two young lovers driving to Las Vegas, where they are going to get married. That should be a lovely road trip for them, but it's interrupted when they end up in the sights of a dangerous and unrelenting Hell Cop AKA Sgt. Bedlam (C. J. Graham). The cop snatches Rachel away, leaving Charlie to put his pedal to the metal and drive through a portal to hell, where he encounters various characters and hopes to save his kidnapped bride-to-be.

Directed by Ate de Jong, who amused people with the anarchic madness of Drop Dead Fred just one year before, this is a natural next step, considering it remains quite wild and whacky, but just replaces Rik Mayall with a number of tricky and tortured denizens of the underworld. That ensures that things aren't quite as entertaining, but it also allows the director, and writer Brian Helgeland, to allow time and space for much more than just one star performance.

Lowe is perfectly fine in the main role, playing someone who seems sweet and good enough, and Swanson makes for a very believable "prize" to be snatched away by the main baddie. Graham may not be asked to add anything to his character, but he does well to continually ooze menace and impatience as he aims to keep the central couple separated. Patrick Bergin is good in the role of Beezle, someone who could be aiming to help or hinder our hero (the clue is very much in the name though), young Jarrett Lennon is a kid named Adam who hopes to also get home one day, and the aforementioned Gottfried steals his scene, despite competition from the likes of the Stiller family (Amy, Jerry, and Ben) and Lita Ford in a hugely entertaining sequence that plays out at about a third of the way into the film.

While it cannot cover up the relatively low budget, nor can it really bring things together in a way that feels entirely cohesive and properly satisfying in a narrative sense, Highway To Hell aims to keep you entertained and amused throughout, and it largely succeeds. 

Some people like this a lot more than I do, and I can understand the appeal of this if it was something first discovered on the shelves of your local movie rental emporium, but I cannot imagine many genre films taking an active dislike to it. It's oddly cute in how it lets everything play out, a horror-tinged fantasy that you just know wants people to be rooting for the plucky underdog to save the woman he loves and ultimately save the day. Helgeland may have a filmography that now largely overshadows this one, but I think it's a little gem worth remembering and revisiting occasionally. 

7/10

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Clayface (2026)

Another day, another comic book property. This one tries to do things a bit differently though, and is all the better for it. It's much more of a body horror, and those with no previous knowledge of the character should be happy enough to watch it for the thrills and special effects. It just happens to be set in Gotham City.

Tom Rhys Harries plays Matt Hagen, a handsome young actor who appears to have the world at his feet. Things all go wrong when he decides to flirt and dance, and more, with Mia (Joana Ribeiro). Mia is actually the girlfriend of Markos Szabo (David Dencik), a major criminal who doesn't take well to the situation. Hagen is disfigured, the preceding legal actions don't go his way, and he ends up going broke, with no route back to his previous life. Until he encounters the work of Caitlyn Corr (Naomi Ackie). Corr is working on a revolutionary new way to repair and reshape flesh, which is exactly what Hagen needs. It's all untested on humans though, and it turns out that some of the side-effects are amplified when a desperate Hagen overdoses on the formula. He finds that he can shape his body in a number of fantastic ways. More importantly, he can also transform himself to look exactly like someone else. Before you can say "it's been a while since I watched Darkman", Hagen starts to become Clayface, and stays focused on deadly revenge.

With a screenplay credited to Mike "current critical darling of the horror genre" Flanagan and Hossein Amini, and direction from James Watkins (who has been helming a wide variety of successful genre movies for almost two decades now), Clayface is, first and foremost, a fun mix of body horror and standard revenge thriller. The 108-minute runtime zips by quickly enough, and the screenplay keeps viewers informed of every development in a way that allows for each subsequent set-pieces throughout the movie to become better and bolder. Watkins directs with an emphasis on energy and fun, but also manages to effectively incorporate the darkness and pain of the central character in a way that somehow doesn't unbalance everything. 

While not as consistent as other elements of the film, the acting is generally good from all of the main players. Harries does an excellent job in the main role, even when his performance is being complemented/covered up by some great practical effects and computer work. Ackie is the other highlight, although I expect nothing less than brilliance from her by this point. Dencik is suitably mean and brutal, Ribeiro has moments of being a typically tempting femme fatale, and there are entertainingly obvious performances from the likes of Joshua James, Corey Johnson, Jake Curran, and Eddie Marsan. And a fun cameo from Rob Brydon. Yes, Rob Brydon. The weakest performance comes from Max Minghella, playing a cop, and also the partner of Ackie's character, but that comes as no surprise, considering the fact that Minghella seems to have done nothing in years to dissuade me of the notion that his entire acting career stems from little more than his surname.

Mind you, it's hard to judge every cast member here when they have to deliver some of the most on the nose dialogue I've heard in a long time. Almost every other line refers to someone's look, face, or transformation, and it sometimes feels as if the writers had a book titled "The Dummies Guide To Writing Movies Where You Run Metaphors Parallel To Actual Unfolding Events". It becomes tiresome way before the halfway point, and isn't helped by the fact that a lot of the rest of the movie is based around a number of reveals that are absolutely predictable to anyone who has watched even a handful of other revenge movies.

Thankfully, so many other things help to distract viewers. There's decent cinematography from Rob Hardy, another impressive score from Volker Bertelmann, and editing from Jon Harris that is as accomplished as it is essential to a number of the best moments in the film. The final extended set-piece, in a club populated by a number of henchmen and the big boss man, is a real treat for the senses, and I only hope that there's some way to recapture that feeling when we get the inevitable sequel. I'll feel reassured if Watkins returns to continue whatever story interests him most.

8/10

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Mubi Monday: Faust (1926)

It's time. 100 years have passed, and I decided against selling my soul in exchange for avoiding having to write this review. Everyone knows the idea of Faust, even if they don't realise it. Faustian pacts have become more and more commonplace, in both fiction and reality (apparently), and we can only hope that some who have sold their souls for power, money, and much more, are coming to the time when their payment is due.

Directed by F. W. Murnau (delivering audiences an achievement that would arguably be surpassed by Fritz Lang one year later, helming the incredible Metropolis), Faust is an impressive production that shows viewers the classic tale of the titular character (Gösta Ekman) being offered a deal by Mephisto (Emil Jannings) that could lead to him getting everything he wants, which includes the lovely Gretchen (Camilla Horn). It could also lead to him having much more to lose though.

Another film that would make a nice introductory work for those wary of diving into silent cinema, Faust somehow manages to keep everything simple enough, yet explores the central idea in a way that nicely fills out the 107-minute runtime. The intertitles, written first by Hans Kyser and then rewritten by Gerhart Hauptmann, set the tone and clearly underline the main characters about to play their parts in this dark fable.

Ekman is very good in the main role, although many of the scenes show how his choice reverberates through the lives of those around him, and Horn is a believably sweet and lovely Gretchen. Jannings steals the show though, of course, as the dastardly Mephisto. He's the villain of the piece, but also just the one character very much aware of the fallibility of humans. Werner Fuetterer has to stay resolute and optimistic as the archangel banking on humans actually being good and worthy of their existence, a job he does very well, and Frida Richard, Yvette Guilbert, and William Dieterle play relatives of Gretchen, and all throw various spanners in the works. 

I could recommend other interpretations of this tale, from the traditional to the modernised and redressed, but I certainly believe that everyone should make time for this version, at least once. It's an enduring classic, despite the technological progress made throughout the last century that helps to make it seem much more crude and stilted, and you could do a lot worse than fill up a dark winter evening with the likes of this, Nosferatu, and Haxan.

8/10

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Netflix And Chill: #Alive (2020)

A 2020 zombie movie that spends most of the runtime alongside one young man stuck inside his own apartment, #Alive could be considered THE 2020 zombie movie, whether by accident or by design. It's certainly a more interesting viewing experience when you think back on that year, especially how so many people found company and ways to create some kind of community with strangers and/or friends online.

Yoo Ah-in plays our main character, someone who likes to spend most of his time gaming and having fun with his friends on the internet. That fun is interrupted when it becomes impossible to ignore a deadly zombie epidemic. Our hero is soon trapped and isolated, only able to watch the nightmare unfolding around him without daring to take any risks that would involve leaving his home. He's soon considering a very final solution to his predicament when a young woman (Park Shin-hye) in a building opposite manages to signal to him. Maybe they can work together to survive the situation. 

Written and directed by Cho Il-Yung, based on a screenplay by Matt Naylor (filmed as Alone, also released in 2020), #Alive is certainly something that should be on your radar if you're interested in the many impressive horror movies that have been coming out of South Korea for some time now. It has a couple of decent set-pieces, even if they're relatively small in scale, and the main characters are believable and likeable.

What it doesn't have, unfortunately, is quite enough to distract from the limited location and what seems to be a relatively small budget. Both Ah-in and Shin-hye work well together, but the film, for obvious reasons, keeps them apart for a lot of the runtime. There are also too few encounters with the very dangerous zombie masses. And one sequence showing our main character solving a big problem doesn't actually feel as if it would solve his big problem, considering how the whole area is impacted by the outbreak.

I guess timing is everything, although I'm not sure whether I would have liked this more or less if I'd watched it back when I felt as trapped and isolated as the main character. Those strange times throughout 2020 and 2021 certainly ensure that this feels a bit more resonant though, and the title being a hashtag is just one more way in which it feels like a survival horror for those who spent some time during the COVID pandemic using hashtags to sync up and "meet up" with online friends.

6/10

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Shudder Saturday: Jitters (2026)

As much as I complain about it and act confused, I know why many British movies with limited budgets do their best to mix in a number of accents and keep shooting scenes in a way that make so many locations seem equally anonymous. It's a marketing tactic. A way to sell your product as more than just a "British low-budget horror". Sadly, it almost always gets my hackles up. It makes me feel as if a film has been made more by people who want to increase their sales opportunities than people who have faith in their material. Don't get me wrong, I know that a lot of people want to increase their sales, even if it's just by a small enough margin to let them continue creating more of the art that they want to focus on, but I don't need that to be the main thing overshadowing every other element of a movie. 

Much like every other horror movie looking to cash in on current tech fears, Jitters is about deadly AI. Sort of. People are dying, and it all seems to be linked to a game featuring a character called Jitters (Daniel Jordan). It's up to Detective Collymore (Fabrizio Santino) to get to the bottom of things, but he's also busy trying to navigate a post-divorce life with his young daughter (Izzy, played by Chloe Hews).

If you scour the internet looking for general opinions on Jitters then, thanks to real-life AI, you will find a number of word salad pieces that praise various elements and rate the film as a decent techno-horror. Ironically, that's one of the major downsides of AI right now. It has made it harder to find real words written by real people about real things, whether those words are opinions or facts. So for those who manage to get around the algorithm and find their way here, let me be very blunt . . . Jitters is crap.

Only the second feature directed by Marc Zammit, but already a step down from his debut (Witch, featuring a number of the same creative people involved), this feels lazy, careless, and painfully unscary. There's no tension, partly because of the poor plotting and partly because of the underwritten characters giving you nobody worth rooting for. And as for some of the stranger decisions . . . it's not as if every decision needs to be fully explained, but some of them seem to have no good reason for being here, except to potentially benefit those aforementioned sales opportunities.

The cast is a very mixed bag. I'll be nice enough to avoid commenting too much on Santino's lead performance, and I'll be even nicer by remembering to mention that Hews isn't bad as his young daughter. Jordan tries to do well as the dastardly Jitters, but he isn't given a proper direction for his performance. He should be scary or fun, or an unnerving mix of the two, but he's just someone who seems to like the sound of his own voice as he spouts nonsense about the game and the players. Linda-Jean Barry is much better than the film deserves in her role as the exposition-delivering Dr. Harriet Brooks, and everyone else here feels as if they might just be happy enough adding another title to their C.V. (which can then be padded out with AI, and lost in a shuffle of other AI-embellished filmographies)

Jitters wants to join many other films and voices telling you that AI is very scary and dangerous. It undoubtedly is, but mostly because it helps to exponentially increase two of the worst habits that so many opportunists are guilty of: thoughtlessness and laziness. 

2/10

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Frailty (2001)

Despite the fact that it has a very good reputation in the horror film fan community, Frailty remains a film that I believe rarely gets as much love as it deserves. The first of only two feature films directed by Bill Paxton, who also helps himself by casting himself in a pivotal role, Frailty is a beautiful balance of character study and straightforward supernatural chills. It's also an interesting look at how anyone would struggle to deal with a loved one they view as having some kind of mental health breakdown.

Matthew McConaughey plays a man who walks into see FBI Agent Wesley Doyle (Powers Boothe) and claims to be able to lead him to the location of an active serial killer currently riding high in the "most wanted" charts. Doyle disbelieves him at first, of course, but soon finds out a few details that have him intrigued. There's a long story to be told, one involving two young brothers brought up by a father who has been tasked by an angel to identify and destroy demons, but everything should be revealed by the time our two main characters arrive at their final destination, a rose garden where the killer may be resting.

The only feature written by Brent Hanley, this is a very satisfying tale that allows viewers to stay one step behind various characters without ever feeling as if they're being deliberately manipulated or mishandled. The third act may be where things all come to a satisfying conclusion, but the first two acts allow for plenty of moments to think about how you yourself would react if put in the situation that the two young boys find themselves. The 100-minute runtime is just right, allowing every brush stroke needed for the final artwork without things feeling slow or drawn out.

McConaughey is excellent, giving the kind of performance that made many horror fans wonder why it took so long to get to the proper McConaissance (as I believe it was termed). Boothe has to spend a lot of the movie being the stand in for viewers, he's the sounding board and the cynical questioner, a job he does very well throughout. It's not a major role, in many ways, but he's also just as important as anyone else onscreen. Paxton gives one of his best performances, which is really saying something when you think about all of his great work, and both Matt O'Leary and Jeremy Sumpter do very well to hold their own in scenes with him, both of them believable as young boys with very different views on their situation, one believing in their father and one absolutely appalled by what is going on. Luke Askew and Derek Cheetwood portray other members of law enforcement, Missy Crider and Cynthia Ettinger do fantastic with very small amounts of screentime, and Edmond Scott Ratliff is glimpsed very briefly as an angel who may or may not be real.

Frailty isn't perfect, but it comes pretty close. It weaves such a powerful spell that anyone who has watched it once will want to make time for at least one repeat viewing. A lot of the work is done by Hanley's screenplay and Paxton's direction, but it would be doing a huge disservice to the cast members to dismiss their contributions. It's ironically appropriate that Frailty is a delicate and fragile piece of work, but it's undeniable that everyone involved did their bit to ensure that it would stay intact and hold up to scrutiny when handed over to the viewing public. Make time to rewatch it soon if you've not seen it for many years. Or clear your schedule if you've yet to see it for the very first time. 

9/10

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The Hazing (2004)

What do you get when a writer-director wants to make some fun that blends clear love of The Evil Dead with the teen angst and horniness to be found in the Night Of The Demons movies? Considering you probably read the title of this review before diving into this first paragraph then I suspect you know the answer. You get The Hazing, an entertaining horror comedy that makes some good use of genre stars alongside some spirited performances from other cast members.

Having made his name back at the start of the 1990s with his meta horror comedy There's Nothing Out There, writer-director Rolfe Kanefsky then spent a lot of time delivering numerous erotic features to people who I suspect happily collected them for their special hidden DVD box of softcore treats. I haven't actually seen any of his erotica, but considering they're given labels such as "The Sex Files" or something with Emmanuelle in the title . . . I doubt they're on par with most of the strong sexual content you can find at the touch of a button nowadays. But I digress. It's a shame that Kanefsky wasn't able to just keep making fun horror movies in the vein of this, and others I have seen from him. He's very genre-literate, and he knows how to make the most of well-known horror movie tropes.

There's an evil book at the heart of this, and it belongs to the nefarious Professor Kapps (Brad Dourif). While he's in a comatose state, however, a group of disposable young things enter his home and search for the book. It will help them pass an initiation ritual. Professor Kapps can sense them though, and he has a number of tricks up his sleeve to deal with the interlopers.

As much as I like Kanefsky, and as much as I believe he does a very good job of mixing his influences in a way that feels less tiresome and lazy than some others I could mention, he really helps himself here with the central cast. Apart from Dourif using a very dubious English accent, which somehow stops him from being able to pronounce the word "passage" like a normal human being, he's a very welcome face. I'd say the same about Tiffany Shepis, a "scream queen" who I've been a big fan of for the past few decades. Parry Shen is another good addition, and gets another slasher role that allows him to have a lot of fun while in the midst of some entertaining gags and gore, and Nectar Rose ends up making a strong impression, not just because of her involvement in a scene that makes use of a very elongated tongue while she obliviously receives some incredible cunnilingus. The other cast members also deserve some praise, but I'll specifically highlight the very entertaining cameo from Brooke Burke in the opening scenes of the film.

It's not the best at anything it's trying to do, be it the horror or the comedy, but The Hazing works hard to keep horror fans entertained for every part of the 87-minute runtime. Some may be turned off by early scenes, including a dire Reservoir Dogs "homage" that doesn't really work, but if you stick with it then I think you'll be suitably rewarded. It knows exactly what it wants to be, and it all improves once the main premise and characters are established, leaving plenty of time and space for the madness, practical effects, and demonic shenanigans to take centre stage.

7/10

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Prime Time: Tremors: Shrieker Island (2020)

There may be a different writer for this next (last?) instalment in the Tremors movie series, but I was very worried that everything would be spoiled by director Don Michael Paul, who helmed a number of the previous outings, including the dire Tremors: A Cold Day In Hell. Thankfully, this is a big step up from the last movie.

Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) is once again called upon to save the day when some people find themselves with a big Graboid problem. This time around the creatures are ruining a pleasant tropical island environment, having been deliberately placed there by Bill (Richard Brake), a man who leads people on various hunting parties. Burt has a bit of resentment towards his ex, Jasmine (Caroline Langrishe), but he knows that he needs to stick around as he's the one with the experience to eradicate the pesky Graboids.

Written by director Paul and Brian Brightly, Tremors: Shrieker Island somehow manages to feel comfortable and familiar without also feeling stale. It's helped by not having Jamie Kennedy back (who wasn't a great fit in the previous movie when he was allowed to do his standard Jamie Kennedy schtick), and also benefits from putting Jon Heder in a supporting role. The various creature effects work well, the arrogant human villain of the piece is a big improvement than the blank "agency staff" of the previous film, and there's just a better mix of everything, from the pacing to the interactions between all of the main characters.

Gross IS Burt Gummer, and has been a perfect fit for that role since the very first movie. If you didn't like his performance in that film then you're not going to like him here. But if that's the case, I'd have to ask  . . . what the hell is wrong with you? Anyway, Langrishe and Heder do well alongside him, often tempering his deliberately aggressive tactics with questions or different perspectives. Brake is a charismatic bad guy, acting polite and respectful of Burt and co. until they get in his way one too many times. I wish he'd been in the series before now, and would love a prequel detailing some other fateful encounters between Burt and Bill. Jackie Cruz is an enjoyable addition as someone keen to stay alive, and keen to listen to the advice of Burt, and Cassie Clare is entertaining as a skilled shooter who soon sees that sticking with Bill may leave her on the wrong side when battle lines are drawn. Others also do good work, but they're really there to be Graboid fodder (in line with so many others who have had their moment in the Tremors movie universe).

Not only does this feel like a proper movie, one that has been given some care and consideration to make up for the careless messiness of the last film, but it also feels like a proper end to the whole series. It could carry on, in so many different ways, but I like to think that this stamps a seal on the scroll that has been used to hold the collected adventures of Burt Gummer. Any future Graboid tales should be kept Gummer-free as someone else tries to find a way to recapture lightning in a bottle. Or, if you prefer, get as close as they can to cinematic Perfection. 

7/10

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Pledge Night (1989)

The feature debut of director Paul Ziller, although you can have a lot of fun working through the wide variety of creature features and TV movies that he's helmed since this one, Pledge Night is one of those odd slasher movies that came along far too late to be considered in the company of many of the better examples of the sub-genre, but also doesn't commit to the more bonkers idea at the heart of the screenplay, written by Joyce Snyder (who apparently wrote this and four much more adult movies).

It's that time of year again. New students are put through a variety of humiliating hazing rituals as they desperately hope to become members of a college fraternity. Crimes will be faked, cherries will be picked up by clenched butt-cheeks (and the loser eats the cherries), and the spirit of a student who was accidentally killed will start to cause some chaos and kill off those around them. Standard stuff.

Although there's a clear attempt here to make something that mixes plenty of comedy in with the horror, Pledge Night  doesn't work. None of the cast are good enough with the material, which isn't the best to begin with, and Ziller can do little more than ensure the camera points in the right direction, generally. None of the kills impress, things go from zero to one hundred without a more satisfying and steady build up, and even the final sequence fails to deliver any great reveals or corpse tableaux. 

Are there any highlights? The performance from Will Kempe as the killer is a fun one, and could have been something very memorable in a much better movie. I also liked Shannon McMahon in the role of Wendy, but that's more because of simply liking McMahon than liking anything that was done with her character.

It's always good to be wary of any slasher movies that were released either late in the 1980s or close to the start of the 1990s. Not many of them were strong enough to make up for the fact that they were being made long after the sub-genre had fallen slightly out of fashion (even if a resurgence was as inevitable as the killer making one last grab for the final girl before being dealt a killer blow), but Pledge Night at least tries to play around in a well-used sandbox without being dismissive or disdainful. I can't deny that some of the silliness amused me, but not nearly enough to make up for the many sections that unfolded without memorable characters, memorable kills, or more layered comedy.

It's not down in the muck with the worst of the slashers, but it also doesn't do enough to sit comfortably in the middle ground. Lesser fare, and not recommended to anyone except those (like myself) who feel they have already made their way through every single one of the many better slasher flicks from this decade. 

4/10

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Mubi Monday: Rapture (1979)

Written and directed by Iván Zulueta, the main thing to bear in mind when watch Rapture (AKA Arrebato) is that the creator spent a long time in the grip of heroin addiction. If you didn't know that when the film started then you should have a suspicion when the film ends.

Essentially all about a film-maker who has been sent a slightly mystifying gift package, Rapture shows José (Eusebio Poncela) thinking back to a couple of past encounters he had with a young man named Pedro (Will More). While nothing major seems to happen in those encounters, the two people clearly have a strong connection that they're initially unaware of. They both seek something. And it becomes clear to José that Pedro may have actually found it.

Messy and disorientating throughout, yet not as surreal and impenetrable as it could have been, Rapture may be wearing a number of items from the horror genre wardrobe (the puzzle loaded with potential danger, the unknown fates of certain characters, the growing obsession), but it won't be one that people necessarily seek out when they want to watch a horror movie. I would definitely allow it to carry that label though, especially if you've ever known the pain of watching someone held tight in the life-sapping grip of addiction. 

Poncela gives a fantastic performance, convincingly pretending to be carefree while he starts getting that particular unscratchable itch that is about to set his whole body on fire. More is allowed to be a bit more relaxed and enigmatic, which is important as everything builds to a quietly disturbing and haunting third act. The two main female characters are played by Cecilia Roth and Marta Fernández, and both of them do well as they stay alongside men who have their heads turned by something that the ladies cannot compete with.

The most impressive thing about Rapture is the way it really delivers an obvious story of someone who becomes an addict, and ends up searching for what will ultimately lead them to oblivion, without having it all play out as literally as it so easily could. There's still a sense of hopelessness, and you see characters starting to push aside everything else as they chase the one thing that now gives them solace, but it's an entirely convincing journey through drug addiction without ever putting a standard drug at the heart of things. And that must have been a hard choice for Arrebato, considering the life he lived. It's also the right choice, and it helps the film to hold up very well even now, almost fifty years after it was first released. 

8/10

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Netflix And Chill: Ghost Stories (2020)

It's easy to stay within your comfort zone when it comes to watching movies and TV shows. You now have more choices than ever before, and many of them will be pushed in front of you by an algorithm that knows what you've already seen, and hopefully already enjoyed. I am not averse to filling my viewing schedule out with easy picks, something featuring a favourite star or a preferred sub-genre, but I do sometimes try to make time for something that is far from my usual fare. That's why I decided to set aside 144 minutes to watch Ghost Stories, an Indian anthology horror film made up of four tales that may very well include some specific cultural references that passed me by.

Directed by Karan Johar, Dibakar Banerjee, Zoya Akhtar, and Anurag Kashyap, with the first three also writing their instalments, and Isha Luthra and Avinash Sampath adding a good amount of input to the screenplay, what you have here are, for the most part, familiar tales slightly freshened up by the setting and language.

First up is the story of a young nurse, Sameera (Janhvi Kapoor), helping a bedridden old woman (Surekha Sikri) who keeps insisting that her son is in the room next door. The room is empty, of course, but something isn't right about the situation. Then it's the tale of Neha (Sobhita Dhulipala), a pregnant woman who starts to have horrifying visions while babysitting her nephew (Zachary Braz). Next up we have someone (Sukant Goel) visiting a desolate and dangerous small town. Some children explain the situation to him, most people have been eaten and the only way to stay alive is to convince the flesh-eaters that you are one of them. Last, but by no means least, is the story of Ira (Mrunal Thakur), a woman who enters into an arranged marriage with Dhruv (Avinash Tiwary). Dhruv was besotted with his grandmother, and still continues to talk with her and play "peek-a-boo" most days, despite the fact that she died some time ago.

Despite the details and points I may have missed, at least two of the main stories here feel like very obvious metaphors for aspects of society. We're all aware of the pressures put upon young women to become mothers, which runs through the second tale, and as for the third episode, any story that has a community devastated by flesh-eaters who will only let others survive if they see them engaging in the same behaviour is analogous to pretty much any fluctuating social group you can think of. 

The cast all do great work, with particular praise fur to Kapoor and Goel, both allowed to be bombarded with strangeness, to say the least, as things get creepier and creepier for them. Dhulipala has to contend with a wide variety of impressive special effects, some of them obscuring her central performance, and Thakur is slightly undermined by the fact that everything unfolding around her is so unsubtle and obvious.

The writing and direction are good enough, although it seems inevitable that I could suggest trimming some of the runtime to make this a leaner and scarier experience. While not up there with the best horror anthology movies, Ghost Stories is a good time for those who have already seen all of the more well-known titles. I wouldn't say that any one chapter here is particularly weak, and that's always a pleasant surprise in any anthology movie. I also wouldn't say that any one chapter here is particularly unforgettable either though. 

7/10

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Shudder Saturday: V/H/S/Mixtape (2026)

Another year, another instalment in the now traditional October V/H/S anthology movie series. This particular edition has sound and music being the main connective tissue running through it, and it's good to see the idea used well enough in a number of the stories. 

There's a wraparound section that features GWAR doing GWAR things, and their first scenes are unlikely to impress any newcomers, but the majority of the runtime is taken up by four stories. Well . . . four narrative stories, one stop-motion horror fairytale, and one music video. The first is "Dance, Dance, Dance, Dance", written by Zoe Cooper and directed by Renee Zhan. This may be predictable, but it's very fun and in line with the gleeful gory lunacy that this series does best. Then you get Another Cabin, the stop-motion short, directed by Flying Lotus. Writer-director David Moreau then delivers Heartbeat, a tale of urban explorers who go somewhere they shouldn't. This was my least favourite, but it undeniably leans into the mission statement of the movie, essentially giving viewers a nightmarish slice of ASMR. Then it's over to Ernest Dickerson, who serves up a classic bit of Lovecraft, reimagined slightly, with "The Music Of Mr. Sze". Tobias Forge directs a darkly entertaining music video, "Premature Burial", and then it's over to RZA for the final tale, "Death Tone", all about a young sound engineer following the instructions of her late father as she tries to create an amazing and enduring soundscape.

More about the talent behind the camera than in front of it, although it helps that Barbara Crampton is allowed to have fun in a small role in the first tale, V/H/S/Mixtape really helps to show why this series should be allowed to just run and run. It's a creative experiment that really works, and everyone involved seems to enjoy both the opportunities and the challenges that it presents. I can't think of how these tales would work in other formats, but they all fit together well here because the V/H/S brand allows for such a wide variety of weird and whacky episodes.

The cast members may be secondary to the IP, but highlights include Jihad Brent and Alex Hsu acting exactly as you want characters in a Lovecraft tale to act, and Neela Jolene having a whole lot of fun as the central character in "Death Tone". It's also worth noting that nobody is notably bad. Say what you like about this surprisingly enduring series, the acting has never been the worst element of any instalment.

I'd end up placing this at about the halfway point if I was presenting a ranked list of the entire series. It's a very solid entry, and one that already has me excitedly considering what the next theme could be. Maybe weddings. A wedding gone horribly awry, a wedding in which someone is being forced to marry a demonic bride or groom, a bride keeping a video diary as she goes to extreme lengths to ensure that she fits into her dream dress, etc. Hey V/H/S producers, you know it makes sense. 

Whatever the concept, I'll be ready to lap it up anyway. And I hope we keep getting one of these every year. It has become as much a part of the Halloween season as eating an excessive amount of sweet snacks, pumpkin spice being added to everything, and glaring at kids who have been allowed to carve jack-o-lanterns without unlocking the painful memories of trying to engage in that same activity decades ago in the UK when pumpkins were less plentiful, and we had to make do with almost losing fingers while we hacked and chopped into a swede.

7/10

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It Ends (2025)

There's making the most of limited resources, there's making existential horror without having to bombard viewers with too many ideas and visual gimmicks, and then there's It Ends, an 89-minute nightmare that has a group of young people simply stuck on one long road that really shouldn't stretch on for as long as it does.

Our four main characters are James (Phinehas Yoon), Day (Akira Jackson), Tyler (Mitchell Cole), and Fisher (Noah Toth). They are four friends who may not be as close as they once were, but they hope to enjoy one another's company on this particular road trip. Until this particular road trip takes them along one particular road. No ways to turn off. No actual progress being made. Just one long drive along one long road.

The feature debut of writer-director Alexander Ullom, It Ends sets up a number of questions that he doesn't seem all that interested in fully exploring. That wouldn't be so bad if his characters weren't also so unmotivated. Yes, there's the obvious initial curiosity as they realise their predicament and start to figure out the rules now governing their journey, but the one or two main conversations that try to stay focused on what exactly is going on don't come anywhere close to the reactions and self-reflection that you would expect. I would argue that a sense of resignation and acceptance come along far too early in the proceedings, especially when there's nothing else to really help fill out the runtime.

The cast do a good job, although Toth is a bit of a weak link in the central quartet (perhaps due to the writing leaving him feeling even less substantial than his under-developed co-stars). Yoon is enjoyable for showing how beneficial it can be to try thinking logically about the situation until various logical options quickly disappear, Cole has the advantage of playing someone with a painful background, although that is never fully explored, and Jackson does well to show how she has stayed friends with the three young men around her.

I can see why this idea would spark in the mind of someone creative. It's a simple premise, and there are moments outside the car that work to ensure the main characters stay inside and keep driving. Ullom errs on the side of caution, however, perhaps believing that any explanation would be a lot worse than no explanation. On the one hand he's absolutely right. On the other hand, sorry, the film needs a bit more substance to it. As it is now, it's like witnessing a conversation between four students about some hypothetical GPS and dashboard warning lights that could both guide and misdirect you as you steer your way from birth to death.

5/10

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Insidious: Out Of The Further (2026)

There are times when I will happily remind people that I can be a very mainstream guy. I don't mind watching something slick and polished. I don't even mind watching something that's tame enough to offer some mild chills to a potentially much larger audience demographic. I really enjoyed Insidious, and even, to a lesser extent, some of the sequels. This is a series that should have ended about a decade ago though, but that opinion seems to put me at odds with those who very much appreciate the mainstream thrills and chills that it provides.

This tiresome tale concerns Gemma Hall (Amelia Eve, looking for all the world like 2000s Naomi Watts) and her young daughter, Maya (Island Austin). Gemma appears to sometimes be seeing dead people. Worse, dead people sometimes appear to be seeing Gemma. That's why she ends up being helped by Elise Rainier (Lin Shaye), who can often talk through the physical body of Clare (Maisie Richardson-Sellers). All working together, and with the help of Gemma's boyfriend (Nick, played by Brandon Perea), the group hope to stop Cyrus Lam (Sam Spruell) from finding his way back from The Further into our plane of existence.

I am genuinely depressed at the thought of writing a full review for this. It feels like writer-director Jacob Chase had a couple of good scares in mind, and then figured out a laughably weak plot that would allow him to deliver those infrequent treats. The longer this movie series has endured, the more it all boils down to people simply warning others about going into The Further, stopping entities from coming out of The Further, or just spending a bit of time wandering about The Further. Now that The Further is such a familiar environment, despite how it can be manipulated and played around with, it's not an interesting setting for scares, which is proven here when the best moments all take place in what is supposed to be our own world. You'll have seen one of those moments if you saw the trailer, but if you have somehow avoided that so far then keep avoiding it until/if you give this a watch.

Richardson-Seller is the one person here who feels as if she could carry a movie, and her scenes help a lot when things aren't being moved between the various cheap frights. Shaye remains a welcome constant, but her character was reduced to the "kindly guide" archetype many movies ago, which is all she gets to do here. Eve, Austin, and Perea are all fine, but I didn't ever truly care about their fates (possibly due to this being a very "safe" movie series nowadays). Spruell is helped by some great makeup, but the best of the creepy interlopers is an old man, Lester, played by Joseph Lopez, who also benefits from one hell of a makeover.

I would say, charitably, that there were three good moments in this. Three good moments adding up to about one whole minute of the runtime. Sadly, that leaves you with another 105 minutes to endure. And that's not a good time. Yet this has somehow done well enough at the cinema to make another instalment almost inevitable. And I'm sure I'll see it. I won't be getting to it until it hits home viewing markets though. Perhaps I'll buy a cinema ticket for something a bit less mainstream that weekend. 

4/10

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Prime Time: Tremors: A Cold Day In Hell (2018)

I used to think that the Tremors franchise was one of the best we ever got. It was consistently enjoyable, even if none of the many sequels (and one prequel) came close to equalling the first movie. This film has made me reconsider that opinion. And I have one more to watch, which I am praying will be a return to form after this chilly mis-step.

Once again written by John Whelpley, who wrote two of the previous three instalments in the series, this continues to make use of the great character of Burt Gummer (Michael Gross). Burt now has a son that he's dealing with (Travis, played by Jamie Kennedy, introduced in the last movie), and the two of them end up in a very cold part of Canada that has become a new and unexpected area for Graboid activity. Plans are made, and traps are built, but things change when it turns out that someone has been infected by a parasite that can only be removed with the help of some materials taken from a live Graboid.

Director Don Michael Paul should be used to things by now, having joined Whelpley in the making of Tremors 5: Bloodlines, but I fear that there were too many obstacles placed between him and making something decent here. There's a definite feeling that the budget was slashed at some point, leaving viewers with a film that needs a better cast of characters to make up for the disappointing Graboid moments.

Gross is as good value here as he has been in any movie in this series, and he's the reason to make some time for this. Kennedy is a bit more annoying than he was the first time around, a consequence of the actor being able to play his character with a bit more ease and familiarity, and the likes of Tanya van Graan and Jamie-Lee Money aren't given enough to work with. Money is particularly ill-served, especially when she has to reveal how her character is connected to the ever-growing family tree of Graboid survivors. Paul du Toit is a "suit", and has an agenda to make him as much of a potential threat as the monsters, but he's also not used well.

The 98-minute runtime feels much longer, the callbacks to the first film aren't clever enough to be cute, and the ending feels as if it was slapped together by someone who ran out of time when it came to the deadline for the final draft of the screenplay to be handed in. I'm going to get to the next film soon enough, but I have my expectations seriously dialled down after this disappointment. 

4/10

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Pinocchio: Unstrung (2026)

Another cinematic entry in what we can all now depressingly call "The Pooh-niverse", a cinematic selection of titles based on properties no longer covered by copyright laws, Pinocchio: Unstrung is, as you may have guess, all about everyone's favourite puppet who just wants to get rid of his strings and be a real boy. That means some life lessons, some misunderstandings, and a fair amount of blood and guts.

Richard Brake is Geppetto, and he somehow decides that his grandson, James (Cameron Bell), needs a new friend. One that will never die, and never leave him. Pinocchio (voiced by Jude Evan Lloyd). Pinocchio has a lot of questions, and is soon causing some accidental deaths . . . before being manipulated into causing some deliberate deaths. It doesn't help that he has a scheming cricket (voiced by Robert Englund) whispering in his ear.

Look, the performances here aren't great, as you might expect from another horror riff on Pinocchio (the little puppet has had a few murderous moments over the years). Brake is good fun in his role, and Englund's voice does a lot to make his character a highlight of the supporting cast, but Bell isn't very good, Jessica Balmer and Jack Art Gray are equally weak as his onscreen friends, and poor Lloyd can't do anything to improve upon the repetitive and inane dialogue that he's supposed to keep delivering during the gory set-pieces. Belinda Fenty isn't bad, playing a dentist who we know won't stay healthy and happy for long after "hurting" young James, and Toni Olabanji and Luca Marandola are decent as bullies, also not expected to stay happy and healthy for very long, but the gap between the good and the bad performances is pretty huge.

Writer-director Rhys Frake-Waterfield isn't the greatest wordsmith. He's also not the greatest director. Fair play to him though, this has some practical effects, puppetry, and stop-motion animation that show a level of care and skill you wouldn't expect from such low-budget schlock. Even the opening and closing credits have some genuinely impressive animation helping them along, which some may say is better than anything in the main body of the film. Despite the reason for films like this existing, Frake-Waterfield and co. have shown a notable improvement in their approach to the material since they started trying to make money from the various IPs they could exploit.

And as for the gore gags, well, they take things to another level. I was trying to enjoy this as it played out, and my mood was lifted by the aforementioned animation and effects, but when the first bit of serious bloodshed happened onscreen I was very pleasantly surprised. Obviously aiming to appeal to those who have had a good selection of extreme gore to entertain them nowadays, Pinocchio: Unstrung takes time to present a number of hilarious and ridiculous injuries and kills. Nothing here is ever close to being believable, but at least everyone involved just decided to shrug and throw around more fake blood, and fake organs, and fake severed body parts. 

I doubt too many people will rush to see this if they aren't already familiar with the other films in this vein from Frake-Waterfield, but I'd tentatively recommend it to anyone who fancies something silly and gory. It's not actually a good film, but it's consistently amusing, sometimes even deliberately so.  

5/10

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