Madame Web (2024)

This blog is a comfort for me. It helps me put my thoughts together, it contains a path of memories that can help me remember individual movies from the thousands I have watched, and it is sometimes the only thing that helps me endure a film that is mind-bogglingly abominable. As other people have already made clear, Madame Web is mind-bogglingly abominable. As the bad reviews started to pile up, I found myself wondering how bad it could be. It was even worse than I thought.

Okay, let me give a very quick plot summary, because anything more detailed would make me feel as if I did more work in writing this than anyone did on the script. Dakota Johnson is Cassie Webb, a woman who finds out that she has the gift of premonition. Initially assuming that she cannot change the future, a pigeon interfacing with her window helps her to realise that destiny is not set in stone. That puts her on a path to confront a powerful villain, Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), a man who is determined to kill three young woman (played by Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, and Celeste O’Connor) he had foreseen being the cause of his own death. Emma Roberts is onscreen to play the mother of an un-named child people can figure out will be Peter Parker, Adam Scott is “uncle” Ben Parker, and the whole thing feels like a desperate attempt to profit from the Spider-Man universe without being able to feature Spider-Man in it.

Although it seems difficult to imagine anyone coming out of this well, it’s strange to see almost everyone sleepwalk through something so dire. The messy script, as inane as it is needlessly convoluted, was written by a whole load of people, including director S. J. Clarkson, and it never gathers any momentum. In fact, this is a film in which everyone feels as if they are wading through a pool of dark and thick molasses, either due to the direction or the cast being unable to work up any enthusiasm for it.

Johnson can do good work onscreen. That is not the case here. As bad as the film is, she matches it with a charmless lead performance. Sweeney, Merced, and O’Connor do a little better, although they get even less to work with (seriously, if you can tell me their names after the end credits, or even after any scene in which they have just been featured, then I will give you a chocolate treat). At least Scott and Roberts have enough presence to make their smaller roles feel like sips of water in a scorching desert. As for Rahim, it feels bad to blame someone for a performance that was so obviously reworked and redubbed when the plot was chopped and changed around, so I will just say that he needs to wipe this film from his C.V. and line up numerous future projects that can help us all quickly forget that he is in this.

Almost every main scene has at least one moment vying to be the worst moment of the film. I think a personal favourite of mine was Cassie being told “when you take on the responsibility, great power will come” (yes, really), but an entire book could be written detailing every flaw and misjudgement. If Clarkson has nothing else lined up yet, it may be some time until she gets to helm something of this scale. It may also be some time until she wants to ever try it again.

Memorable for all the wrong reasons, this is a new contender for the dubious honour of worst superhero movie of the 21st century. Someone should have seen that coming.

2/10

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Netflix And Chill: Meet The Blacks (2016)

I can only think of one reason that Meet The Blacks exists, considering how unfunny I found it, and that is to show that black people can deliver comedies just as bad as anything from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Although this isn't a parody exactly in line with their movies, it similarly misunderstands how to turn the main premise into something truly funny.

And that main premise is very simple. Mike Epps plays Carl Black, a man who has suddenly come into a large sum of money, which allows him to move his family into a lovely new home in Beverly Hills. Not only will that give them a daily boost of happiness, it will also allow them to stay safe and avoid the perils of purge night (the one night when all crime is legal). Oh yeah, this is a movie set in a USA that has a purge night, allowing the film-makers to spoof The Purge. Unfortunately, Carl is about to have numerous encounters with people who want to act aggressively towards him. On purge night.

I am once again depressed by my shocking lack of quality control when it comes to the movies I choose to watch. I saw Meet The Blacks available, I remembered thinking that the trailer I saw a number of years ago left me wondering if it might be a worthwhile satire, and I made a snap decision that I started to regret within the first 5-10 minutes of watching the movie. Everything begins with a clumsy explanation delivered in voiceover, and it only gets worse from there.

Director Deon Taylor can receive most of the blame, considering they also helped to co-write the screenplay with Nicole DeMasi. Taylor doesn't have too many directorial credits to his name, although he did also give us a sequel to this film (good grief, I already weep as I realise that I will one day watch that sequel), and DeMasi has an even smaller résumé, with their screenwriting work before this consisting of two TV promo pieces for Ella Enchanted and one short film. Perhaps not having much experience behind the camera should have had people trying to cast the best people in front of the camera, but that is far from the case.

Epps isn't a good lead. He cannot improve a script which leaves him playing someone unfunny, uncaring, hard to sympathise with, and never really changing from beginning to end. Zulay Henao, Alex Henderson, and Bresha Webb make up the rest of the Black family, and they fare a bit better than Epps, mainly because they are often sidelined for many of the supporting, much less enjoyable/funny, players. I'll mention Lil Duval, Charlie Murphy, Andrew Bachelor, Phil Austin, Kate Enggren, and Gary Owen, but I'm not going to insult anyone by specifying how good or bad each one is. Suffice to say that most tend to be bad. But at least you get cameos from George Lopez and Mike Tyson, right? To be fair, the Tyson cameo was the moment that did make me come closest to chuckling, and others may enjoy that scene as much as I did.

Maybe I just wasn't in the target demographic for this one. I didn't like the main character, I didn't care about how any of the plot unfolded, and none of the parody worked. The whole thing felt lazy, amateurish, and insulting to viewers who deserve better. Which, due to me watching this just one day after watching Skinamarink, now makes me two for two during a hugely disappointing weekend for my viewing choices.

2/10

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Netflix And Chill: Acts Of Violence (2018)

Cole Hauser plays Deklan, an ex-military man struggling to deal with PTSD (as shown in a scene with him talking to arguably the worst psychotherapist I've ever seen in a movie). Deklan has two brothers, Brandon (Shawn Ashmore) and the soon-to-be-married Roman (Ashton Holmes). All should be happy in their household, but it takes a dark turn very quickly when Roman's fiance, Mia (Melissa Bolona), is kidnapped by men who specialise in trafficking young women they keep drugged and enslaved. The police (even a determined detective played by Bruce Willis) have their hands tied, so it is up to Deklan to lead the trio on a mission that will return Mia alongside her loving partner and eliminate the ruthless head bad guy (Mike Epps).

There are a lot of scenes in Acts Of Violence that feel weak, including that introduction to the character played by Hauser. The script, by Nicolas Aaron Mazzanatto, is a grab bag of cliches and improbabilities. It's hard to believe that any villains would want to keep Mia alive when she keeps doing her damnedest to cause them so much trouble (she's shown as a beautiful woman who is also admired for her fighting spirit). But accepting improbabilities is often par for the course when it comes to action movies on the lower end of the budget scale. Considering the decent cast, I can only imagine that the money not spent buying another lazy turn from Willis had to be spent wisely.

Director Brett Donowho is comfortable enough at this level of moviemaking. I've seen at least one other movie from him, A Haunting At Silver Falls,  enough to know that he can take average materal and turn it into an average feature. There are good moments here, and the action isn't done too badly, for the most part, but he can't ever do enough to raise the material up.

The good news is that some of the cast try harder than Donowho. Hauser is great in his role, and his journey is sketched out in a surprisingly believable way, for the movie he's in. Ashmore is also very good, and Holmes isn't bad, although he's the weakest of the three. Bolona struggles to make a decent impression because she has to work in some of the more ridiculous scenes, but everyone else onscreen shows that they have a stronger pulse than Willis, who is onscreen just enough to remind viewers that he's constantly teetering on the brink of going full Seagal with every role that he is given nowadays. Epps is a decent baddie, and has a number of suitably loathsome henchmen helping him, so that helps.

If you're looking for an action thriller with a plot based around a good dollop of righteous vengeance then this will do the job. There are many better films you could choose, but also many worse ones, so this should be almost slap bang in the middle of any list of potential viewings you might prepare for yourself.

5/10

You can buy the movie here.
Americans can buy it here.