Ghosted (2023)

A mix of action and rom-com starring Chris Evans and Ana de Armas in the lead roles, Ghosted should have been an easy success. The familiar faces, the familiar plotting, and a succession of cameos make it an obvious choice for some straightforward entertainment. There's a reason that it's pretty much been forgotten already though. It's not good. It's hard to describe as truly awful, although I am sure some will, but it's certainly as bland as some vegetable that has had all of the flavour boiled out of it.

Evans plays Cole Turner, a young man who falls hard for Sadie Rhodes (De Armas). He thinks that it might be a good idea, after spending one day with her, to pay her a surprise visit in London. Things don't go according to plan though, with Cole soon abducted by people who believe him to be an infamous CIA agent known as "The Taxman". Can you guess who is actually that agent? Bickering, gunfights, and various hijinks soon ensue.

Written by the not-insubstantial-quartet of Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick, Chris McKenna, and Erik Sommers, Ghosted is what happens when you believe that your film has enough star power to ignore things like proper wit, pacing, and characters with some depth. There is nothing to this when you remove the stars. Nothing.

Director Dexter Fletcher is often a capable talent, but he is clearly hamstrung here by the demands of delivering such studio fluff. The action doesn’t have any weight or impact, there’s a surprising, and debilitating, lack of chemistry between the two leads, and nothing is done to make things more interesting around the superficial glossy smoothness of everything.

Evans and De Armas have rarely been worse. They can be charismatic, they can be convincing with action beats and physical work, and they can be fun, but you wouldn’t know that from watching this. Adrien Brody is a main villain, but feels like the wrong choice in every scene focusing on him. It’s either him just cashing a big cheque or not able to find his way into a performance that should just be a bit ridiculous and entertaining. Nobody else makes much of an impression, and the many cameos that crop up feel like a desperate and lazy attempt to please Marvel fans. They are smug and unfunny, like so many other parts of the movie.

I still won’t describe this as truly awful, there were one or two moments I enjoyed before completely losing any optimism about it improving, but it is bad. Very bad. It deserves to be as forgotten as it already is, and I am sure the main cast members are happy to see it fade from memory so quickly.

3/10

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The Grudge (2020)

Here we are with another take on The Grudge, a movie series that has been going on now, in some incarnation, for about twenty years. I have loved most of the movies in the series, from those I have seen, and hoped for the best from this, despite hearing some pretty scathing reviews. Sadly, it's a whole big pile of nothing.

Shown in the series-standard non-linear style, the basic story concerns a Detective Muldoon (Andrea Riseborough) and her young son, Burke (John J. Hansen) being affected by the cursed house. She is working with a Detective Goodman (Demián Bichir), who saw his partner (Detective Wilson, played by William Sadler) driven to madness by the house. There's also a tale of a young couple (John Cho and Betty Gilpin) going through some major horror, and an elderly couple (Lin Shaye and Frankie Faison) who show some terrible sights to someone visiting to discuss assisted suicide (Jacki Weaver).

Written and directed by Nicolas Pesce, The Grudge feels like a movie written by someone given a summary of the previous films, but no direct experience of them. There's no impressive atmosphere here, no consistency in the way scares are built, or delivered, and generally not much that makes it feel like a film in the series. The juggled chronology quickly becomes annoying, especially as it all leads to a finale that absolutely underwhelms.

Without intending to offend most of the people onscreen, the casting doesn't help. Riseborough is a particularly cold nominal lead, and her scenes with Bichir are quite abysmal. She fares better with Sadler,who is a definite highlight. The scenes involving Shaye, Faison, and Weaver are the best in the film, mainly due to their comforting familiarity, but both Cho and Gilpin are wasted in their story strand, as much for the sad inevitability of it all as for the lack of any solid scares.

Considering the films he has done before this, I am even struggling to figure out why anyone would think Pesce a good fit for the series. He seems to specialise in mood and strangeness, which may have been marked in his favour, while The Grudge does best when full of palpable dread, punctuated by major shocks.

And, as lame as this may sound, this take on the material also underuses some other strengths, namely some fantastic audio and visuals that have given fans goosebumps for years.

Very disappointing. You would be better going back to revisit the many other interpretations, sequels, and tangents that the series has had since the start.

3/10

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Sci-Fi September: Total Recall (2012)

A lot of people love Total Recall, the 1990 movie directed by Paul Verhoeven that provided Arnold Schwarzenegger with another hit at the box office. I am one of those people. Which makes me one of the many people who groaned when they heard news of a remake. To be directed by Len Wiseman. Now, I actually quite like Wiseman's work. He makes glossy entertainment, and I think now that people have seen the godawful A Good Day To Die Hard we can all agree that the fourth movie doesn't actually seem THAT bad. Okay, I might still be on my own there, but the point I am making is that I was willing to give this one a go.

Colin Farrell stars as Douglas Quaid, a factory worker who starts to have strange dreams involving fighting, escape attempts, and a beautiful woman (Jessica Biel). He doesn't seem satisfied with his life, which is a bit strange considering that he's married to Kate bloody Beckinsale. It must be to do with the fact that he lives in The Colony, while all of the better opportunities go to the people from the United Federation of Britain. These are the only two living spaces left on Earth, after a period of chemical warfare, and The Colony is packed with citizens viewed as the lower/working class. Quaid decides to visit Rekall, a company that can insert memories into your brain, and opts for a memory that will give him an exciting adventure as a secret agent. Unfortunately, things don't go according to plan. It turns out that Quaid may already have some false memories creating a conflict within him.

Total Recall starts off quite well. The world displayed onscreen is nicely realised and textured, Farrell, Beckinsale and Biel are all good enough for their main roles, and there are fleeting glimpses of some great actors who you just know will appear later on in the film (Bryan Cranston, and Bill Nighy). The action is solid, there's an interesting layer to the movie that focuses on class and societal manipulation, and I started to consider that this was starting to prove itself as a decent remake. A retread of material - both movies are based on "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale" by Philip K. Dick - that was able to offer up more than just a reprise of what we already enjoyed years ago.

But then it starts to lose steam. Not a major problem, at first, but after the first hour has gone by and the movie settles into a dull cycle of action-chase-paranoia-repeat then it becomes tiresome. In fact, by the time both Nighy and Cranston eventually appear it's too late. Neither man gets to make a decent impression because viewers are too busy concentrating on trying to stay awake. This kind of material shouldn't be so unexciting.

A lot of people had a hand in the writing of the movie, with Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bomback credited as the main writers, but that's not reflected in the final product. The exposition is fine, and needs to be with such ideas about identity and paranoia, but everything else is found lacking, from the lines uttered in the thick of any action to the ineffective characterisations. This is a film populated by decent actors as opposed to any good characters.

Wiseman does his usual solid job in the director's chair, revelling in the effects and showing off when he gets the chance. There's a one-shot fight sequence that manages to impress, although it doesn't make up for the lack of energy elsewhere. If only he could have maintained the quality of that first 40 minutes, this could have been a very pleasant surprise. Alas, it wasn't to be.

Beckinsale steals the show, her husband (Wiseman) knows how to utilise her well in movies, and the movie moves up a notch whenever she's onscreen. Farrell is solid in his role, putting himself across as a capable everyman with an undercurrent of Jason Bourne. Jessica Biel is, unfortunately, the worst person in the movie. It's not her fault, and I love seeing Biel in anything, but her character is horribly underdeveloped and neglected. It's almost as if she was added as an afterthought. She may be a worthy companion during the fights, but any other interactions she has with Farrell could be consigned to the rubbish bin with very little impact on the movie. Bokeem Woodbine does alright with his small role, John Cho sports a fun, blonde hairdo, and I've already mentioned the main problems for Nighy and Cranston, although the former also struggles with an American accent.

There are worse movies you could pick when you fancy a bit of sci-fi action. There are also many better ones, including the original film that this is based on.

4/10

http://www.amazon.com/Total-Recall-Blu-ray-Colin-Farrell/dp/B0092QITO2/ref=sr_1_3?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1409479079&sr=1-3&keywords=total+recall

Down To Earth (2001)

Chris Rock stars in this remake of Here Comes Mr. Jordan, a film already revisited a couple of times before this outing, with sadly underwhelming results. The material has some added jokes about race, and creates potential for some bigger laughs by making the main character a struggling stand-up comic, but it ends up falling flat far more often than it succeeds.

Rock is Lance Barton, a young, funny guy who just can't seem to transfer that humour to his stage act. Yet he keeps trying. His main venue is going to be closing soon, which makes him desperate for one last shot to win over the audience there. Unfortunately, his plans are thrown into disarray when he's hit by a truck. It's all a big mistake, which an angel named Keyes (Eugene Levy) only realises when Lance is already in heaven. While they try to resolve the situation, Lance is offered a "loaner" body by King (Chazz Palminteri), another heavenly being who seems to be in charge. That body ends up being one that belonged to a wealthy, white businessman named Charles Wellington, III (Brian Rhodes). Lance has to use the body to pursue his quest for a spot at the upcoming stand-up event, while avoiding the dangerous scheming of Wellington's wife (Jennifer Coolidge), and his assistant (Greg Germann). And things become more complicated when he falls in love with Sontee Jenkins (Regina King), who hates him.

Down To Earth is a very frustrating film to watch. You can see moments when it might be able to step up a notch or two, when it could let Chris Rock rant and make the most of his power as a comedian. Sadly, those moments do nothing more than get close to something good before sinking back down to mediocrity.

The cast includes some great performers, especially in the supporting roles. Levy and Palminteri are both great fun as the angels trying to correct a terrible mistake, Coolidge does well with her usual mix of ditzy and wannabe-sexy, and Germann works very well alongside her. Mark Addy does okay as a perplexed butler, while Wanda Sykes steals a couple of scenes as a housekeeper who does very little to hide her disdain for her employer. Even John Cho raises a smile or two, despite his role amounting to little more than a cameo. Regina King is easy to like, and Frankie Faison is very likable as the manager who continues to see the best in Lance. The weakest link, unfortunately, is Rock. He seems neutered, at best, and just stilted and awkward, for the most part.

Directors Chris and Paul Weitz don't seem to put in any effort at all, while the script (co-written by about four people, including Rock and Louis C.K.) reeks of similar laziness during the many moments that aren't comedic. The love story angle just never feels real, despite the efforts that everyone goes to in order to make viewers forget that Regina King is supposed to be enjoying time with an elderly, white businessman.

It's actually a shame that this was such a missed opportunity, a star vehicle created around someone who never seemed comfortable as a leading man. I love Chris Rock, but I don't think his style and energy work when being forced into a package like this. Thankfully, we can always revisit him in the greatness that is Osmosis Jones.

5/10

http://www.amazon.com/Down-Earth-Chris-Rock/dp/B00005JH9O/ref=sr_1_2?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1406542627&sr=1-2&keywords=down+to+earth

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (2011)

Time has rolled merrily along since the second Harold & Kumar movie and the two characters have gone their separate ways. Harold (John Cho) has a great job, a lovely wife (Paula Garces, reprising her role from the first two movies) and generally a life of comfort and security that always seemed to elude him while he spent his time getting high. Kumar (Kal Penn) hasn't really gone up in the world and is, funnily enough, still mostly interested in getting high. Fate brings the two together just in time to put Christmas in jeopardy and they spend the movie trying to put things right. If Harold doesn't manage to sort out a Christmas tree that will please his father-in-law then he will be in big trouble. Especially when that father-in-law is played by Danny Trejo.

With Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg back on the writing duties it's surprising to find that this Harold & Kumar movie feels the least like an actual Harold & Kumar movie. Perhaps that's due to the Christmassy nature of the whole thing or perhaps it's simply because our duo have, inevitably, grown up. Just a little bit.

Regardless of the reason, we get quite a slightly movie this time around. The one thing that stays constant throughout all three movies is just how much fun the supporting players are. Danny Trejo in a Christmas sweater, Patton Oswalt as a drug-dealing Santa, Neil Patrick Harris as "Neil Patrick Harris", Eddie Kaye Thomas and David Krumholtz as bickering friends, Thomas Lennon as the main scene-stealer this time around, Richard Riehle as another Santa Claus and Elias Koteas as a violent gangster - there's plenty to enjoy.

Director Todd Strauss-Schulson doesn't do too badly in his role, and the direction and script both make some of their best little gags out of the whole 3D razzle dazzle, but you can't help feeling that this should really be the last hurrah for Harold & Kumar. The quality and quantity of the comedy has dipped since that enjoyable first outing but they've managed to stay the course through a decent enough comic trilogy.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Two-Disc-Blu-ray-UltraViolet-Digital/dp/B006OFN0ES

Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (2008)

Just like the first Harold & Kumar movie, this has grown on me since my first viewing. It just hasn't grown on me all that much. I think it's pretty funny in places, sure, but it's not as good as the first film by quite a margin.

Despite the title, the plot doesn't actually revolve around our two leads (once again played by John Cho and Kal Penn) escaping from Guantanamo Bay. Oh, that actually does happen but it happens for only a few minutes. The rest of the movie consists of the boys staying ahead of the zealous law enforcement official (Rob Corddry) who believes them to be terrorist scum. And that's really all you need to know.

Following on immediately from the events of the first movie, the direction is this time handled by writers Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg, there's plenty here that will entertain fans of the original. It's just a shame that most of it is recycled from the first film with the whole thing having an longer runtime and lesser gag ratio.

Some moments still stand out: Neil Patrick Harris is hilarious once again, Christopher Meloni returns to play a Grand Wizard of the Klu Klux Klan, an attempt to draw information out of Harold and Kumar's parents allows Ed Helms to have some fun and Rob Corddry is almost always funny when onscreen (something that can't be said of most of his other movie roles).

While the script isn't as sharp this time around and while the concept may feel like they've already slightly outstayed their welcome, the movie is raised up by yet another great collection of actors all joining in with the fun, even for the smallest of cameo roles. As well as our leads, NPH, Corddry, Helms and Meloni we get David Krumholtz and Eddie Kaye Thomas returning, Roger Bart is good fun, Beverly D'Angelo is always a pleasure to see onscreen (is there anyone who grew up in the 80s who didn't have a crush on her as Ellen Griswold?) and James Adomian shows a lighter side to George W. Bush.

The sad fact is that this makes some mistakes common to most sequels but, thankfully, it also still has enough to keep things watchable and amusing. Just.

6/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Harold-Kumar-Escape-Guantanamo-Bay/dp/B001B8CBPC

Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle (2004)

AKA Harold & Kumar Get The Munchies.

I am, as many people already know, a fan of dumb comedy. But the finest dumb comedy also has an intelligence to it that lurks behind any bad taste gags and profane language. Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle is one such movie. I may always have a soft spot for the woefully underappreciated Dude, Where's My Car? (and, no, I'm not being sarcastic) but this movie has grown a little more enjoyable with each viewing and it's one I've finally decided that I really like.

There's plenty here to love or loathe, depending on your taste, as Harold (John Cho) and Kumar (Kal Penn) head off into the night in search of the perfect treat that will satisfy their munchies. Danny Leiner, who also directed that "Dude..." movie just mentioned above, does a fine job of making the best of the script by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg and is helped immensely by the cast. Cho and Penn are likeable enough leads, even if the latter is a bit of a pain in the backside at times, and there are a lot of great little turns from David Krumholtz, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Fred Willard, Ryan Reynolds, Anthony Anderson, Christopher Meloni (almost stealing the show), Malin Akerman, Gary Anthony Williams and Neil Patrick Harris (who DOES steal the show).

So what are the main ingredients included to tickle the funny bone? Well, there are plenty of jibes at racism, a chance encounter with some bizarre hillbilly types, moments of Neil Patrick Harris being a completely brilliant and OTT "Neil Patrick Harris", some overzealous policemen and a couple of lively critters causing some stress and more.

There are plenty of great snippets of dialogue throughout and the film has a nice line in surreal lunacy that weaves throughout proceedings without ever unbalancing the whole thing. Throw in a groovy soundtrack, a small helping of gratuitous nudity and the potential satisfaction of seeing our plucky underdogs actually come out on top and you have a fun flick that will offend some people while easily entertaining others.

Is it worth your time? Well, it's not worthless.

8/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Harold-Kumar-Get-Munchies-DVD/dp/B0007ZD72Q