Shudder Saturday: Black Roses (1988)

As every parent who lived through the 1980s knows, there is no more powerful corrupting influence on the innocent youth than music that features loud guitar parts. Those long-haired rockers will steal souls and turn everyone against one another. That's what some used to think anyway.

Black Roses is about a rock band, much like a movie from the previous year that was also helmed by director John Fasano (Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare, which I definitely need to see). The parents worry about this band coming to town and ruining their children, but the first performance is enough to allay their fears. The band is actually quite mild and well-behaved. Until the adults lose interest and leave. Then it's time to really get rocking, and to also start . . . stealing souls and corrupting the innocent. As things start to change very quickly, one conscientious teacher (Matthew Moorhouse, played by John Martin) aims to get to the bottom of things and save the kids.

I'm not going to say that Black Roses is a great film. It's very silly, but it also seems to know how silly it is. I am going to say that I had so much fun with Black Roses that I could almost forgive Fasano for helping to write the screenplay for Darkness Falls. Almost. writer Cindy Cirile only has two movies to her credit (and she uses the name Cindy Sorell here), this and Rapid Fire. Considering how many people also like Rapid Fire, I'm very surprised she doesn't have a bigger filmography. Cirile doesn't treat the material as a joke, but rather packs in plenty of amusing moments of craziness that make the most of the daffy premise. Supporting characters are given just enough screentime to show when they have been transformed by the band, you get an unlikely crush on the teacher by one of his favourite female students, and there's a very memorable scene that has Robin Stewart making one lucky man very hot under the collar with a game of "strip Gin".

Martin isn't the best lead, but he doesn't have to be. Thankfully, Sal Viviano has at least some amount of presence, he plays Damian (lead singer of the band), the teens are all disposable, and you get some fun special effects moments that use puppetry and make-up to decent effect. Don't come here looking for realistic mayhem and death that will make you wince, but do give it your time if you can view some rubbery, almost cartoonish, creations with a small amount of affection.

There's a score here, but you won't be surprised to know there are a few rock songs on the soundtrack. I've forgotten them already, which isn't a big deal. The bonus is that they're not ear-splittingly awful. They're just in line with the music you expect from the band, and it's just another example of how everyone involved gets little things right while crafting a film that's ultimately just a disposable bit of fun.

Will Black Roses be a firm favourite for anyone? A film you revisit once a year? I doubt it. It doesn't want to be. It wants to be a film you remember when you have the right company, or are in the mood for something that won't tax your brain while you set about demolishing some unhealthy weekend snacks. And it succeeds in that regard, making it a lot better than some horror movies made by people who seem unable to just revel in the more fun journeys that the genre can take people on.

6/10

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June-Claude Van Damme: Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)

Is Universal Soldier: The Return a good movie? Not really. It's the weakest of the Universal Soldier movies that star Van Damme and it wastes a couple of the main stars. Having said that, it's a lot better than the other Universal Soldier movies that were developed with the idea of turning the brand into a viable TV mini-series. It's also a lot better than other Van Damme movies you can pick from this time.

Van Damme returns as Luc, now a normal man after having all of the UniSol implants and tech removed from his body. He works for the company, training new soldiers and keeping an eye on things. One of those soldiers is a mean badass played by Bill Goldberg, and he doesn't like Luc all that much. That wouldn't be a problem, if only the supercomputer running things (SETH, voiced by Michael Jai White, who also plays him in humanoid form in the second half of the movie) wasn't about to turn all super-evil and turn the soldiers against the puny humans around them.

As of today, this is the only film directed by Mic Rodgers (who has carved himself quite a career in the realm of stunt work). That's a bit of a shame, because Rodgers does just fine in the big chair. There's a lot of goodwill to claw back after the previous entries in the series, films that are justifiably ignored by the script (written by John Fasano and William Malone), and there aren't enough action sequences to detract from the relatively low budget, but this isn't a bad way to get things back on track and return some value to the brand name.

Van Damme does just fine in his lead role here, it's a character he is comfortable with and the premise doesn't ask him to do anything too difficult (like emote or convince viewers that he has a degree in bioengineering), and both Goldberg and White bring solid physicality to their antagonists. Kiana Tom has a sizable role, sizable in comparison to other female roles in JCVD movies anyway, and does well enough, and there are supporting turns from the ever-dependable Xander Berkeley and Daniel Von Bargen.

I know that people often go on about the next two films in this series. They say that they're a marked step up and usually recommend people just diving straight in (because they are pretty much standalone action films making use of the UniSol idea). There's no doubt that they're better. That doesn't make this one bad though. It's just . . . not really good.

5/10

This is a good way to own the series.
Americans can go for this mix.