Netflix And Chill: Night Teeth (2021)

“Ain’t nothing like a fang gang”, as The Sensational Alex Harvey Band almost sang, many years ago. It has so often been the case, in books and in films, that vampires have lived among us, negotiating truces with various factions (be they humans, other vampires, is something else). And those truces always seem to fall apart at some point.

Jorge Lendeborg Jr. plays Benny, a chilled-out student who offers to cover a shift as a driver for his brother, Jay (Raul Castillo). He picks up two young women, Blaire (Debby Ryan) and Zoe (Lucy Fry), and begins taking them from one party to another. What he doesn’t realise, initially, is that Blaire and Zoe are working for Victor (Alfie Allen), and Victor is a vampire who plans to become the head honcho overnight by taking out all of the competition. Blaire and Zoe are also vampires, and they were expecting Jay to be their driver, as Jay is also a target, albeit a human one).

A debut script from Brent Dillon is given some due care and attention from director Adam Randall (delivering his second feature after the excellent I See You), and the end result is an enjoyable, horror-tinged, teen flick. Benny may be in a lot of trouble, and it could end up being his last night, but he gets to experience some good times along the way, achieving a status and level of cool previously unattainable. He also finds himself quite attracted to Blaire, so it’s far from all bad. The threat of being bitten and having his blood drained may put a dampener on things, but there’s always a chance that Benny might eventually be released. He is just the wrong guy in the wrong place, and maybe killer vampires will take that into consideration.

There’s nothing special here, in either the style or the material itself. Locations vary from luxury homes to private members clubs, from a busy nightclub to a villain’s swanky HQ, complete with “blood bank”. And the characters are usually either unfazed and calm, or trying to find the nearest exit once they have seem some bloodshed. It’s all very familiar, but the leads help make it work.

Lendeborg Jr. is very likeable in the role of Benny, a guy so laidback that he could make a fantastic carpet. Ryan and Fry are both fine for their characters, with the former being a bit more sweet and lovely while the latter is the one rushing to enjoy some killing. Allen is a decent head baddie, Castillo is okay, but a bit bland, and there’s a decent little enjoyable cameo for Megan Fox.

If you are after a fun vampire movie then I would recommend many others ahead of this (from Vamp to We Are The Night, with so many others also in immediate contention). But if you’re after a fun NEW vampire movie then I would happily recommend this. It’s an easily enjoyable bit of bitey entertainment.

7/10

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The Darkness (2016)

There's a decent pedigree here. Director Greg McLean, stars Kevin Bacon and Radha Mitchell, the not-inconsiderable backing of the Blumhouse brand (I know, I know, that name isn't a sign of quality, but it at least allows the end product to be glossy potential fun). But let's not beat about the bush, The Darkness is rubbish.

A family are enjoying a vacation, part of which involves them visiting the Grand Canyon. The youngest member of the family, an autistic young boy named Mikey, finds a small cavern, in which he finds some rocks with symbols drawn on them. Taking them home, young Mikey inadvertently endangers his whole family, because the rocks seem to be a link to some demonic entities that then start to cause trouble by doing things as varied as repeatedly turning on the taps, making black handprints appear on different surfaces, and setting a wall on fire. The two worried parents race to find a solution to their serious problem, although it's hard to think that they should have just raised their kids not to go exploring strange caves and taking unauthorised ownership of strange rocks.

Written by Shayne Armstrong and S. P. Krause, as well as McLean, The Darkness is yet another mainstream horror movie highlighting the worst things that you can find in mainstream horror movies. The characters aren't very interesting, the tension is pretty non-existent, it's not scary, and it's just all too silly to go along with for any length of time. I am all for suspending disbelief and enjoying a wide variety of cinematic entertainment, but the writers still have to put the work in to get you ready to put you in that mental state.

McLean directs with competence, I'll give him that. That's the minimum praise I can give him, and it's the minimum praise that he deserves. Considering his past releases, The Darkness is undeserving of his involvement. Although everything is generally in the right place, it could have been anyone at the helm. It's THAT generic, and the third act just reminded me of the fact that it's been far too long since I attempted to rewatch every season of The X-Files (you'll see what I mean when you watch the film).

The cast are okay, trying their best with the weak material. David Mazouz is young Michael, and has to just be quiet and look blank (which he does), Lucy Fry is perfectly fine as the older sister, Stephanie, and Bacon and Mitchell are the best thing in the movie, as ill-served by the script as anyone else, but managing to fare a bit better thanks to simply being who they are.

Really not worth your time, unless you're looking for a fairly dull thriller that won't scare you in any way, The Darkness was a film that I was unaware of until last week. Now I have seen it, I know why that was the case.

3/10

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Bright (2017)

People have been rushing to call Bright one of the worst films of 2017. It's not. It's not even the worst thing that Netflix have done. Not by a long shot. It's not even the worst thing that director David Ayer has done. People have also been rushing to call this out as a reworking of Alien Nation. Okay, that's a bit harder to deny. Essentially a blend of Alien Nation, Training Day, and World Of Warcraft, this is a messy, fun film. It gets a number of things wrong, but also gets quite a bit right.

Will Smith plays a cop named Daryl Ward, unhappy because he's been paired up with an orc (Jakoby, played by Joel Edgerton). He's also unhappy because he's about to go back into service after recovering from a gunshot wound, a wound perpetrated by a criminal that he believes his unwanted partner let go free. That has to be pushed to the bottom of his list of priorities, however, when the pair find themselves getting their hands on a magical artefact that lots of people are willing to kill for.

What works well here? Well, if you buy into the main conceit (life going on as usual in a world that happens to also have elves, orcs, fairies, etc living alongside humans), most of it. I am pleased to see that, with this and Suicide Squad, Ayer has convinced Smith to once again spend some time in roles that work well with his charisma and cockiness. He isn't stretching himself here but he's suited to the role. Edgerton is even better, despite working through a load of make up that makes him unrecognisable. The world that the two inhabit is nicely realised, with a lot of minor details and casual snippets of dialogue helping to flesh things out. There are also some really good action beats. Perhaps not as many as it needs, but the set-pieces are very well done.

What doesn't work? Well, the script by Max Landis seems eager to throw as much into the pot as possible, which is especially obvious in a few opening scenes that overstay their welcome before the film starts to find its feet. There's also one major moment that is lifted almost completely from Training Day. It felt like a bit of a push then, it feels even more implausible here.

And you also have a supporting cast that feels largely wasted. Noomi Rapace has a good presence, she's the main villain of the piece, but it would have been nice to see her pop up for more than just a few scenes in the second half of the film. As for the other police officers we see here and there, none of them make an impression, even when involved in some pretty major scenes.

If you like Ayer movies then you should like this. Despite the characters and plot incorporating a number of fantastical elements, this is typical of his kind of stuff. Of course, some people may not enjoy his sensibilities being mixed up with orcs and elves and the like. I found it worked surprisingly well. I am already looking forward to the sequel - Fantastic Beasts And How To F**k Them Up.

7/10

Bright is on Netflix. Other David Ayer movies are available here (UK) and here (USA)

Vampire Academy (2014)

Marketed as being from the director of Mean Girls, Vampire Academy serves as a sobering reminder that a movie is not made by the director alone. He needs a talented team around him, including a great writer, and a decent cast. Neither of these things are present here.

The plot goes thus: Rose Hathaway (Zoey Deutch) is a sorta-vampire who protects nice vampires (in her case, it's her BFF Lissa, played by Lucy Fry) from attack by nasty vampires. They both attend the titular vampire academy, which is ruled over by headmistress Kirova (Olga Kurylenko), and Rose attempts to further her training under the watchful eye of Dimitri (Danila Kozlovsky) while Lissa tries to make life easier for both of them by using magic on those who decide to give them a hard time. And that's quite a few people, although it's hard to figure out just who is the most serious about actually causing any harm to Lissa.

I've probably made Vampire Academy sound better than it really is with that description. Or, if you think I've made it sound pretty dull, I may have got it just right. It's an unexciting, unfunny movie, the kind of tick-the-boxes stuff that makes you feel annoyed while it plays out in all of its smug glory.

Deutch is hampered by the fact that she's not Ellen Page. I'm sorry, but she looks and sounds so much like her that it's impossible to watch the film and not imagine she was the second choice for the role. Fry may not call anyone else directly to mind, but she's eminently replaceable in her role, having no great charisma that shines through. Kozlovsky at least knows that he's there to be the eye candy for the girls, both onscreen and off (I guess), which is more than can be said for the likes of Kurylenko, Gabriel Byrne and Joely Richardson. All three of the relatively bigger names appear for no other reason than to slightly embarrass themselves, although they all have the sense to take roles that don't involve a lot of screentime. Sarah Hyland is the only person who I actually liked seeing onscreen, and she somehow managed to overcome the writing that made her character development painfully obvious.

I'm unfamiliar with the source material (novels by Richelle Mead), but the screenplay by Daniel Waters just doesn't work at all. There's a mythology that already feels stale and overdone, compared to the many other vampire and Young Adult movies to come out in recent years, there's a lack of genuine wit, and there's a lack of . . . . . . . .  well, anything to make this a movie worth your time. I'm not sure how much of the script would have been left in if the director hadn't been his own brother, Mark Waters, therefore both men can share the blame for the bad final product.

It lacks style, tension, a sense of fun. Thankfully, there's just enough technical competence to make it bearable, but that's it. I'd rather rewatch Twilight, THAT'S how bad it is.

3/10

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