Sister Krampus (2021)

When you are struggling to think up a title for your cheap Krampus movie then you can just add some kind of family connection. Krampus has been a mother, a granny, and now a sister (although the use of the word sister here is tied to the fact that one central character is a nun). And very few of those incarnations were actually good.

Rebecca Rinehart and Marie DeLorenzo are Mary and Jodi, two sisters travelling around parts of Europe on holiday. They encounter a nun (Danielle Donahue) one day, soon being informed that she is not as friendly as she appears. She is, in fact, Sister Krampus, a being out for revenge since suffering horrible abuse at the hands of some American soldiers many years ago.

Directed by Anthony Polonia and Mark Polonia AKA The Polonia Brothers, this is a film very much in line with many others they have helmed. It's very cheap, it's full of many scenes that just feel like filler, and there's a role for their regular collaborator, Jeff Kirkendall. If you have dived into the waters of independent horror movies, especially those that make use of certain buzz-words in titles that don't necessarily have anything to do with the actual films, then, for better or worse, you will be aware of The Polonia Brothers. This is far from their worst work.

Mark Polonia also co-wrote the screenplay with Orville Buttress, based on an idea by Ron Bonk, a producer who seems to have been "inspired" to share his story ideas many times throughout his career, but I suspect a helping of rambling improv could have been better than this weak dialogue. You might remember one or two things about this after the end credits have rolled, but the screenplay is unlikely to linger for more than a minute.

Rinehart and DeLorenzo aren't terrible. They're just not very good. That hasn't stopped others having a long and enduring acting career though. Speaking of which . . . Kirkendall continues to be a strangely welcome presence, despite his many obvious limitations. Donahue has to look intense and irked, and does fine, and Yolie Canales does very well as a brusque, but ultimately helpful, woman named Ezmirelda.

Like many Polonia Brothers movies, this is cheap in a way that seems to revel in the cheapness. It's all very amateur hour, but lacks the charm and appeal of something made by someone who has tried hard to make their one and only movie, probably because these film-makers are nearing their one hundredth feature.

I've STILL seen worse, but I doubt many others who stumble across this would be able to say the same. It's bad. Not incredibly painful, but definitely far down the tree when it comes to ranking holiday horror movies.

3/10

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Shudder Saturday: Sharksploitation (2023)

I didn't want to spend this week writing about a documentary, but there were two reasons to do so. First of all, it was the latest release that I was most looking forward to watching on Shudder. Second, I figured that it was only fair to share my love of this documentary after indulging myself when I felt the urge to rant against certain other, much lengthier, documentaries.

In case you weren't immediately clued in from the title, Sharksploitation is all about the popular sub-genre of creature features that put sharks front and centre. There's an obvious "rosetta stone" for this, of course, and that is Jaws, a film that is impossible to set aside when discussing the shark movie, but Sharksploitation impresses most by not spending so much time discussing Jaws (which, as much as I love it, has been discussed plenty elsewhere) that other films are sidelined. Jaws is a very important date on a literal timeline that is shown onscreen, with the documentary reminding us that a few shark movies were even made before Jaws, but the big cinematic shark hunt really started after that landscape-changing blockbuster.

Writer-director Stephen Scarlata has had his fingers in various tasty movie pies for some time now, and even those genre fans unfamiliar with his name will find something of interest in his relatively small filmography, where he has a few writing and producing credits showing him carving out a decent career that allows him to harness his passion for cinema. This may be his directorial debut, but it’s the work of someone experienced and impressively informed on their subject matter.

The format doesn’t stray too far from what we might expect from this type of thing - a variety of talking heads, numerous clips, conversation contextualising various key movies and moments - but it is a perfect example of how to take a subject like this and cram anecdotes and information into a very entertaining and digestible runtime (this clocks in at 106 minutes, or approximately 1/12 of that bloody “In Search Of Darkness” trilogy). Similar clips from shark films are displayed onscreen at the same time, with the screen split into four quarters, as the tropes are discussed, entertaining tales from “behind the scenes” are relayed with humour and the benefit of hindsight, and it feels as if Scarlata has assembled together pretty much anyone who has ever helmed a film about swimming creatures trying to rip our limbs off.

Okay, Spielberg has probably said all he ever wants to say about Jaws, and it’s worth mentioning that he’s not here, but that feels more like a deliberate choice to not rehash every anecdote that you have already heard a hundred times before. It also helps to avoid that feeling of the documentary being too focused on the one film that continues to be held up as THE shark film, although you get input, in different ways, from Peter Benchley, Wendy Benchley, and those who appreciated the incredible underwater cinematography of Ron and Valerie Taylor. But you also get great moments with Joe Dante, Roger Corman, Anthony C. Ferrante, Johannes Roberts, Chris Kentis, and Mark Polonia, all responsible for various watery creature features, as well as commentary from film fans/writers who have an interest in the sub-genre, and a number of non-movie people involved in oceanography.

Shark movies can be great. They can be awful. They can be very realistic. They can be completely ridiculous. I still prioritise viewing any movie with a shark in it, and I know I am not alone. Sharksploitation feels as if it was put together by a group of people who all feel the same way. It is never mocking, it is never looking beneath the surface with rose-tinted glasses on, and it’s an absolutely perfect example of how this kind of thing should be done. I hope there will one day be some physical release with extended snippets and interviews included. Or maybe even a sequel . . . just when you thought it was safe to go back into the documentary section.

9/10

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Cocaine Shark (2023)

Yes, a LOT of films riffing on the title were greenlit as soon as the buzz started growing around Cocaine Bear and, yes, expecting them to be any good would be foolish. As I have said many times before, however, I am rarely mistaken for a genius. I didn't expect greatness Cocaine Shark, but I was hoping that it might be silly fun. Well . . . it sure was silly.

Titus Himmelberger plays an undercover cop named Neil (a character referenced pretty much everywhere else on the internet as Nick, which means either everywhere else is wrong or I missed his real name being mentioned, with Neil perhaps being his undercover alias). He spends most of the movie narrating his tale from a hospital bed, and it’s a tale of super-strong drugs and mutant creatures. There’s a powerful drug baron to put a stop to (Guarisco, played by Ken Van Sant), an attractive woman (Persephone, played by the wife of Titus, although this is also according to what I found on the internet, Natalie Himmelberger), and numerous henchmen to be dealt with. And sharks, although that word is being used in the loosest possible sense.

Director Mark Polonia has developed quite the fanbase throughout his career, leaning further into his ability to craft micro-budget creature features and “mockbusters”, and there were times during this movie that made me smile. The shonky special effects that cost less than that prolific paperback copy of Jaws found in every charity shop, the ridiculous dialogue trying to briefly explain some science, and the neo-noir nonsense had a certain charm. But it’s all part of a movie that grinds you down by doing everything in a way that is surprisingly dull. Writer Bando Glutz only needs to fill about an hour of runtime, in between the opening credits, which are re-used for the closing credits, but he cannot bring the separate story elements together in a way that is as fun or entertaining as they should be.

As for the acting, well, I have seen worse. Although not actually good in his role, Titus Himmelberger tries to stay comfortably within the standard “grizzled tough guy” mould. Natalie does a slightly better job, helped by the fact that she has a look that works well for her role of potential femme fatale. Nobody else is worth mentioning, and, in this instance, I would rather choose to say nothing if I have nothing good to say.

There was a way to make this work. Sharks can often be depicted without showing them front and centre. Just mix in stock footage with people being worried as they watch the surface of the water. Use ominous music to remind everyone of the constant threat. But that would take a bit more effort and creativity, and Polonia seems to prefer getting something made as quickly and cheaply as possible, selling a timely title without worrying about the quality of the movie attached to it. Trust me, I could show you screenshots from this film that would make you think I had just used my bad photoshop skills to create something that would make you think it was from a PSOne game, probably called Fin Commander, but I fear I have already wasted too much of my time, and yours, on this.

It won’t stop me watching other films titled to cash in on Cocaine Bear though. My foolishness actually means I will probably prioritise them over much worthier viewing choices.

2/10

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