Spiders (2000)

Yes, Spiders is a bad film in many ways. It's a horror movie about giant spiders so you should know what to expect. However, Spiders is also great fun in many ways. It hits absolutely every beat that you expect and it shows no shame in doing so. In fact, there are even a few laughs and self-aware moments in the script - especially when one young man realises the situation developing and says that it's "like a bad science fiction movie" - as well as the required amount of spider mayhem.

The plot involves a bunch of young folk putting themselves in peril by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. A space shuttle crashes and they go to investigate the wreckage. When a bunch of government types turn up to remove bodies and help any survivors, the young folk try to keep hidden and go along for the ride to find out just what's going on a la the Scooby gang. Unfortunately, what's going on turns out to involve conspiracy theories, meddling with things that shouldn't really be meddled with and, of course, some big, ugly bastards with eight legs.

Directed by Gary Jones, working from a script by Stephen David Brooks, Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch that was based on a story by Boaz Davidson, Spiders isn't going to be the first film choice for anyone seeking high art but it's surprisingly good for what it is.

The special effects, for starters, are very good at times. That will probably have something to do with the fact that KNB Effects worked on the movie. Not every practical effect is convincing, and the CGI is pretty poor in places, but there are some great moments of gore and gloopiness.

The acting is also . . . . . . . . . oh wait, nope. The acting isn't that good BUT everyone involved somehow manages to give the impression that they're being a good sport about it all, going along with every ridiculous turn of events. Leading lady Lana Parrilla is likeable enough, even if her character does lose her glasses about a third of the way into things and then never needs them again (a hilariously obvious war to show the transition from brainy to brainy beauty). Josh Green is okay, if a bit bland, and Oliver Macready and Nick Swarts both do well, it's just a shame that they didn't get more to do. Mark Phelan is good enough in his role and the spiders go about being very spidery.

There are people who never want to see these kinds of movies being made, ever. But if you're going to make a film like this then THIS is how to do it. With a sense of humour, a number of moments that meet audience expectations and no limits on where the craziness could end up.

5/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Spiders-DVD-Lana-Parrilla/dp/B003H9MXVK/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1350419460&sr=1-1

Arachnoquake (2012)

Arachnoquake - that's a great title, isn't it? Up there with the likes of Piranhaconda, Sharktopus and Frankenfish (which, don't laugh, is actually better than the title would make you think). Okay, I admit that a title like that probably wouldn't get everyone excited but most people know by now that a title like that will get me excited. My childish little mind starts to fill up with fluffy dreams of naive potential. I'm not completely stupid, despite how it may appear, and I know that these movies are more than likely to be horrible nonsense full of bad CGI but I also know that a lot of them make up for their failings with big helpings of humour, sometimes intentional but often not.

Arachnoquake starts off with a sense of humour accompanying the preposterous premise and bad CGI but quickly slumps to become just another horrible creature feature churned out for the Syfy Channel.

The biggest name in the cast would be Edward Furlong and it's a shame to see him in something this bad, especially after his appearance in the excellent Below Zero. Sci-fi fans might also enjoy seeing the likeable Ethan Phillips (best known to many as Neelix in Star Trek: Voyager) getting a decent amount of screentime. There's not much else here though.

Directed by Griff Furst, with a script by Paul A. Birkett based on a story by Eric Forsberg, Arachnoquake is a tale of giant, dangerous spiders released from an earthquake and the people who are thrown together and try to survive and escape the situation. Things start off ridiculous and fun but the movie just spirals down and down until it's nothing but ridiculous, sadly.

Aside from those already mentioned, Bug Hall plays a lead role and Tracey Gold is the person who just happens to know a thing or two about spiders. The rest of the cast is full of the hopeful and the hopeless, all playing characters that it's almost impossible to care for.

I suppose that I should grudgingly concede that things are okay on a technical level but I'm not even sure if that's true. The camera is usually pointing the right way and the audio is fine but when so many other aspects are poor or missing (such as the not-so-special effects, shot composition, the bland score from That's What I Call A Syfy Movie Vol. 4) it's hard to even admit that there's a minimum level of competence on display, though I suppose there is.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Arachnoquake-DVD/dp/B008KYOFPE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1350074503&sr=8-1

Creepies (2003)

Anyone familiar with the wonderful comic creation of Garth Marenghi will get a lot of pleasure from this film, especially if you ever saw the TV show "Man To Man With Dean Learner" and laughed your ass off at the clip displayed of "War Of The Wasps", a fictional movie that Garth Marenghi was saddened to never have finished. Creepies IS "War Of The Wasps" but with big spiders instead of wasps. I'm absolutely serious.

Normal spiders can be creepy and horrible so making them big is often an easy way to get some good horror material. Hell, I even enjoyed the laughable Spiders and The Giant Spider Invasion. Creepies is like a combination of those two movies made on a budget of $50 with an assortment of old props the crew salvaged from the set of the Thunderbirds TV show. I remember many years ago when I used to sit up, playing Resident Evil on the PSOne with all of the lights out. Infected dogs jumping through a window made me jump out of my skin but I got REALLY scared when my onscreen character wandered into a room covered in webs. When a large tarantula burst in and I had to defeat it to continue with the game I was genuinely tense. That tarantula, way back in the 32-bit games console era, was scarier than anything seen in Creepies.

But only one of the titles already mentioned features this classic line of dialogue: "Yeah, well, before you pat yourself on the back I remind you that we got a spider the size of J-Lo's ass in Hollywood". Oh yes, Creepies starts off bad and gets worse in a way that leads to comedy greatness. This was the best bad movie that I've seen in some time.

I think many people misunderstand me sometimes. I KNOW how bad this film is, I know that many people would give up on it as a lost cause and I know that it doesn't deserve to sit alongside most of the other movies that it may share shelf space with one day. But I also know that it's bloody hilarious, I know that at least some of the humour is intentional (as long with some references to other movies - also pretty amusing, especially the Jaws moment) and I know that director Jeff Leroy and writer Eric Spudic tried to make up for their lack of budget with enthusiasm and affection. Which, for me, is something deserving a bit of goodwill, even if the movie gets almost everything wrong.

The acting stinks. I apologise is anyone involved reads this (though I seriously doubt that they will) but I think everyone was picked for . . . . . . . . . . . . their cost-effectiveness as opposed to actual acting talent. Though in the case of Ron Jeremy, in the movie for all of a few minutes, it's clear that he was only picked for being Ron Jeremy. Lisa Jay, Jeff Ryan, Phoebe Dollar, Calley Edmunds and everyone else onscreen plays second fiddle to the awful special effects mixing unconvincing rubber spiders with unconvincing special effects.

What more can I say? Do I mention the moment when a couple of people think they're safe from spiders because they've used a ladder to get higher in the building? Or the scene that features a spider communicating to the other spiders and giving orders to destroy humans? If you want some giggles then watch this and enjoy it as I did. If you want realism, however, you may as well opt for A Town Called Panic.

5/10.

http://www.amazon.com/Creepies-Ron-Jeremy/dp/B0009U5FUG/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1402449817&sr=1-1&keywords=creepies