Netflix And Chill: The Tourist (2010)

A remake of a French film from five years earlier, The Tourist is a film that somehow gained a notorious reputation for just how bad it was. And I'm here to say that it's not actually that bad. It's not very good either, but it's a relatively easy watch with a couple of photogenic stars trying to deliver star turns amidst a number of plot twists that feel increasingly ridiculous as we hurtle towards the welcome relief of the end credits.

Angelina Jolie is Elise, a woman being constantly surveilled by people who want to catch her communicating with her ex, Alexander Pearce. Inspector John Acheson (Paul Bettany) is heading up the surveillance team, and he answers to Chief Inspector Jones (Timothy Dalton). Pearce is responsible for stealing billions of dollars from a mobster, Reginald Shaw (Steven Berkoff), but he's wanted by the authorities because he owes hundreds of millions in back taxes. As a ploy to keep the police on their toes, Elise chooses a random stranger (Frank Tupelo, played by Johnny Depp) to befriend on her travels. That starts everyone thinking that Tupelo is actually Pearce, which puts him in a lot of hot water.

Directed by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, who also co-wrote the screenplay with Julian Fellowes and one Christopher McQuarrie, The Tourist is arguably most hampered by the fact that it's not really any one thing. While it was nominated in the "musical or comedy" categories at the 2011 Golden Globes, it's not exactly a laugh-riot. It's also never too tense or thrilling, despite the director himself calling it a "travel romance with thriller elements" (according to Wikipedia, so feel free to take that with a pinch of salt). That's a real shame, especially when you have two stars who are more than capable of looking as if they can adequately deal with numerous onscreen death-defying escapades. It also makes it harder to be distracted as one coincidence piles upon another in each subsequent scene.

I didn't mind it though, and I'm used to watching films that I don't rush to place in any one category. There's something enjoyably old-fashioned about the structure, although it's harder for films to be sold as travelogues in an age when seeing the sights of the world is easier than it was back when every early Bond movie was the absolute height of the thrilling and the exotic.

Depp and Jolie are both decent enough choices for the lead roles. The former can do the slightly bumbling and befuddled act, the latter can seem graceful and beautiful and dangerous with seemingly very little effort. Bettany has to become more and more agitated as the film plays out, but it would have been better to see the mess around him increase exponentially with his irritation and anger. Dalton is used sparingly, but is an ever-welcome presence in movies, and Berkoff is unsurprisingly believable as a hard-hearted gangster out for vengeance. Rufus Sewell also has a couple of scenes, but his role could have easily been played by absolutely anyone, and the rest of the cast feels quite bland and anonymous (perhaps just to my unobservant mind, although it would seems like a decision was made to save money elsewhere to give the leads a bumper payday and pay for the scenic locations).

I'm never going to rewatch this, unless forced, and it's not one I'll ever recommend to others. I didn't find it a pain to watch though, and the 103-minute runtime passed by easily enough. It's light, daft, and completely implausible, but I could name you 100 other films that are similar, but with just enough minor improvements to help them avoid the reputation that this has. 

5/10

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Fanged Up (2017)

I was only a few minutes into Fanged Up when I started to realise I knew the lead actor. His face, his manner, he was familiar to me. But how? Well, annoyingly enough, Daniel O'Reilly, who also co-wrote the movie, is probably best known to many as the man who was a bit of an internet hit, for a while, with Dapper Laughs. I'm not going to go into the details of his act here, you can Google it, so it should suffice to say that his persona was that of a cheeky chappy, to put it mildly.

O'Reilly plays Jimmy Ragsdale here, a . . . cheeky chappy who ends up arrested after a brawl in a nightclub, and placed in a jail that deals with prisoners in a very unique way. They get eaten. A lot of the prison staff are vampires, hence the name, and their appetites are growing. Can Jimmy survive? Never mind the vampires, will he be able to avoid death at the hands of his cellmate, Victor (Stu Bennett)? And will he also be able to build a bridge with the prison nurse, Katie (Danielle Harold), an old flame who believes that he once cheated on her while on a holiday with friends?

Directed by the talented Christian James (who started with Freak Out and also gave us Stalled, two films you can at least admire, even if you don't love them), Fanged Up has a surprising number of positives to make up for the negatives. I admit that I was worried about what I was letting myself in for, especially after enduring a number of low-budget British horror comedies mixing criminal geezer types with evil forces, but my worry abated slightly as things began to play out.

The general look and feel of the film is polished and professional, including the vampire make up and any gore gags. James knows how to give value for money, and he focuses on the film-making ahead of the comedy, and not vice versa.

The cast also do a good job. Yes, even O'Reilly. He won't be everyone's cup of tea, but this is a toned-down version of the kind of character he has played before, and there are some critical moments that show just how much of his overcompensating bravado and lewd behaviour is all just a front. Bennett is impressively tough, Harold makes for a good beauty who has more brains than our "hero", and Vas Blackwood is very enjoyable in a main supporting role. Steven Berkoff is the Governor, and has a bit of fun, while Lauren Socha is the woman in charge, and the one deciding who is to go on the menu first.

But things fall down at the script. The contributions from O'Reilly seem obvious, considering how he manages to stay in his comfort zone. Nick Nevern has a filmography that includes a couple of more straightforward British gangster movies, so that would seem to be his addition to the recipe. Then you have Dan Palmer, who has written the scripts for most of James' movies, shorts and features. The fact that almost all of the features feel both undercooked and yet also slightly padded out in places makes me think that he was the one trying, and failing, to bring everything together and tighten it all up. It almost works, because there are enough different elements jostling for attention, but ultimately doesn't.

Remember what I said about James focusing on the film-making ahead of the comedy? That would have paid off in dividends if the comedy had worked. Sadly, it doesn't. Which means the film ends up being nothing more than a mildly amusing genre mash-up. Although it could have been so much worse, which is why I charitably score it right at the halfway point.

5/10

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June-Claude Van Damme: Legionnaire (1998)

Even in the filmography of Jean-Claude Van Damme, Legionnaire stands out as a bit of an oddity. More dramatic than most of his other movies, it comes close to making some interesting points at times, but ultimately falls short.

Van Damme plays someone who, unsurprisingly, ends up in the French Foreign Legion. There he makes one or two friends, suffers at the hands of a tough Sergeant (Steven Berkoff), and finds reserves of inner strength that end up making him an ideal legionnaire.

Because this is a film that I spent years accidentally avoiding (there just always seemed to be a better viewing option when I remembered that it existed) I was always under the impression that this was another riff on A.W.O.L.: Absent Without Leave AKA Lionheart. I assumed that Van Damme would start the film as a legionnaire and then have to escape and end up fighting to win cash and the respect and love of those in awe of his ass-kicking abilities. It's not that kind of film at all, and everyone should be aware of that going into it.

This is more of a straight drama with one or two moments of "action" (I've placed the word in quotation marks because the scenes in the third act are the kind of battlefield confrontations not to be confused with more easily entertaining martial arts moments).

Written by Sheldon Lettich and Rebecca Morrison, based on a story idea by Lettich and Van Damme, Legionnaire also incorporates some gangsters and a boxing match that our hero is supposed to throw, all in the opening act of the film, and it's obvious that all of the main players thought they could stretch the range of Van Damme while also incorporating elements that would keep his fans happy. They don't manage that, mainly because they forget to make things entertaining enough, with the script unhelped by the flat direction from Peter MacDonald (although a quick look at his directorial filmography shows that he may have peaked with his first film, Rambo III).

Van Damme tries his best here but his acting isn't up to par. It's probably not all his fault though, considering there are equally disappointing turns from Nicholas Farrell and Berkoff. The only one who manages to do well is Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, mainly because he's given a role that doesn't feel like an over the top caricature.

It's hard to imagine who will get the most out of this film. Fans who wanted to see more of his acting in a period setting after The Quest? Anyone who wanted a film in which JCVD helped to defend Morocco against an army of rebel warriors? If you are in either of those two groups then this film is for you. Everyone else may want to look elsewhere instead.

4/10

You can buy the movie here.
Americans can pick it up here.