Cleavagefield (2009)

Director Jim Wynorski, many years ago, used to direct quality schlock and provided genre fans with the dubious classic killer robot flick, Chopping Mall. Nowadays, he still directs schlock but he's amassed a HUGE number of softcore movies in his filmography. Many of them also have fantastic titles. The Da Vinci Coed, The Hills Have Thighs, The Devil Wears Nada. As a sucker for a good pun, I love these titles even though I have no interest in the kind of movies that they're attached to. Occasionally, however, I just have to watch some parody to see if it can possibly live up to such a title. Cleavagefield is one example, I just couldn't resist myself from wanting to see a film with such a superb title.

The movie begins with a woman running round a street corner to hide from a monster that looks a bit like Godzilla. That's the CARTOON Godzilla. The creature moves unconvincingly forward, looking for all the world like a novelty balloon, and then the camera moves in to focus on the fearful woman's breasts. From then on we get a succession of sex scenes, intersperesed with a number of "real footage" moments. All of the sex is raunchy but soft (plenty of female nudity while erections are kept hidden away) and there's no denying that most of the women onscreen are very attractive though I don't know who any of them are. Honest.
About twenty minutes into the movie, mass destruction occurs. Which means we get a lot of dodgy computer effects, the return of that laughable monster and shots of women runnin in panic while making sure they jiggle in all the right places. Once a safe haven is found then more sex can be had. And, of course, the cameraman can always reminisce about the great recording he made in Hawaii with two giggly blonde women who were able to pleasure each other by writhing naked against each other, sometimes facing in opposite directions. Back out on the streets, the women are slimed by the monster but it's okay because they spot a nearby massage parlour to hide in. To hide and shower in. To hide and shower and find ways to say "I lesbian you" in. You can imagine how the rest of the movie plays out. It's all pretty much the same.
And then there's the soundtrack that features songs with the astounding lyrics "I need your love, I've got to have it" and, instant classic status assured, "pussy pussy bang bang".

Of course, the acting is pretty dire but everyone is full of good humour and goes along with the silliness of it all. Tallulah Blankhead is the woman who gets the initial attention but then it's Brandee Schaefer (aka Brandin Rackley) who is the nominal lead. Amy Ried co-stars alongside buxom Rebecca Love, lucky cameraman Frankie Cullen, Lucia Santos, Julie K. Smith (playing the typical unprofessional doctor who often appears in this type of thing) and Davina Murphy and Dallas Lowe as those giggling blondes. There are some other men onscreen but I doubt that the target audience will be interested in learning their names.

The script is actually fitfully amusing and throws in some random quips as well as poking fun at itself. For this particular subgenre, this actually has a wit that almost makes the whole thing closer to something altogether passable. Almost.

It is what it is. Those seeking fun with plenty of screentime for busty, naked women may enjoy it or they may seek out some stronger material. It's a mixture of naughty and sweet that works surprisingly well.

5/10 

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Exit Wounds (2001)

Steven Seagal is a goodie but he’s the bad kind of goodie who always goes off on his own and busts heads before thinking of the repercussions. For example, saving the Vice President by throwing him into a river isn’t really what anyone wants to see in the newspapers. Which is why Seagal is sent to a different precinct, somewhere a bit rougher where he can go through the fun of being the new guy again. DMX is a baddie but he’s a good kind of baddie, perhaps. He doesn’t seem to want to kill anyone and just wants to be left to buy his drugs in peace. Perhaps. The two men find themselves in a situation that involves a LOT of heroin and a LOT of corrupt cops. Oh, and a lot of great supporting actors.

Exit Wounds is a lot of fun. The script has a lot of humour throughout and the action beats are numerous and consistently entertaining. Andrzej Bartkowiak directs with a great energy, grounding things so that each fight move packs a punch but also adding an occasional over the top move just to make things cool.

Seagal plays the same kind of character he plays in almost every movie, he’s a cop with an attitude who just wants to get the bad guys, but he also goes along with the humour and this puts him in a much better light than usual (especially in a scene where he’s sent along to an anger management group). DMX does okay onscreen but I can never seriously evaluate the acting of someone who has named themselves after some kind of computer cable (?!?!?). Elsewhere, we get treated to a fantastic and eclectic cast. Isaiah Washington, Michael Jai White, Anthony Anderson, Bill Duke, Jill Hennessy, Tom Arnold, Eva Mendes and the ever-brilliant Bruce McGill. Something to please everyone, surely.

With a lively soundtrack and some great exchanges between Seagal and whoever he deigns to share the screen with at the time, this film remains one of many simple pleasures. The plot throws in a few big twists that nobody should be shocked by but, first and foremost, it sets out to keep you entertained from beginning to end. And it absolutely succeeds.

7/10 

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Spies Like Us (1985)

When Spies Like Us first came out I remember that I rented it numerous times, running home with that chunky VHS box in my pre-teen hands and looking forward each time to the antics of Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase sparking off each other onscreen. And then I was always disappointed by the slow build-up and the flat patches in between the decent moments of comedy, even at that early age.

So it's no surprise to learn that the film turns out to be just the same nowadays as it seemed way back then. The story is a simple one. Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd are two government employees who think that they're being given a chance to be spies when, in actual fact, they're nothing more than decoys while the valued spies get on with their duties. This leads to numerous situations in which our inept leads find themselves way out of their depth and with their lives on the line.

Based on a screenplay by Dan Aykroyd, Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel, Spies Like Us is clearly inspired by the Bing Crosby/Bob Hope "Road" movies and works well as a tribute. Chevy Chase is the fast-talking, bumbling half of the duo while Aykroyd is actually pretty smart and simply unequipped for a mission which the two men have not been expected to complete in any event.

Director John Landis paces things almost exactly as he paced Trading Places, except this time around there are less big laughs in the comedic moments and so the movie feels slower and "flabbier" despite a runtime of just over 100 minutes. Highlights include a selection of scenes showing our duo going through intense training, a sequence in which the two try to pass themselves off as doctors and a finale that features the funktastic sound of "Soul Finger".

Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd play to their strengths, you'll know already if you love or hate them, and the rest of the cast includes such luminaries as Steve Forrest, Donna Dixon, Bruce Davison, Bernie Casey, Frank Oz and, as this is a Landis movie, a number of cameos from the likes of Terry Gilliam, Ray Harryhausen, Joel Coen, Sam Raimi and many others.

Oh, and to end on a little bit of trivia, the "see you next Wednesday" that was a Landis trademark in many of his movies is seen on an army-related poster in the office of Colonel Rhumbus (played by Casey). 

6/10.

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Grave Encounters (2011)

Another entry in the increasingly popular mockumentary/found footage subgenre of films, Grave Encounters is an enjoyable and entertaining effort from “The Vicious Brothers” that ultimately starts to lose steam quickly when things become nothing more than one jump scare after another.

The premise is fantastic. ‘Grave Encounters’ is a mainstream, safe TV show in which the presenters turn up to investigate haunted places and try to pick up on any psychic vibes they may stumble across. Yep, it’s a ‘Most Haunted’ kind of show. Things start to take a turn for the genuinely spooky when host Lance Preston (Sean Rogerson) and the rest of the team lock themselves in Collingwood Psychiatric Hospital for the night. The important thing is to keep the cameras rolling to pick up the good stuff. Until it becomes clear that the important thing is to somehow survive the night and make it out alive.

This movie has three big plus points going for it. First of all, the concept is great and actually lends plausibility to the fact that cameras would still be rolling in this type of situation. Secondly, the jump scares ARE good. It’s just a shame that the movie becomes nothing more than a series of them. Thirdly, the acting from everyone concerned is just fine. Sean Rogerson is believable enough as the cynical, fed-up host who enjoys the thought of something actually being caught on tape for the show and then eventually just wants to get the hell out. Mackenzie Gray is amusing as “psychic” Houston Gray, especially in the early scenes showing just how he comes about his astonishing information. Juan Riedinger (as tech guy, Matt), Ashleigh Gryzko (Sasha the supernatural “expert”) and Merwin Mondesir (as cameraman T.C.) make up the quintet and do okay, though they’re somewhat hampered by the script.

 

This is a very enjoyable, and at times accomplished, debut from The Vicious Brothers but there’s no denying the numerous flaws that drag the movie down to something that just manages to stay above average. A poor ending doesn’t help and it’s a shame that something that had so much potential is instead a wasted opportunity. I certainly recommend it, regardless, to those wanting a few frights with the lights off.

6/10

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The Patriot (1998)

Based loosely on a novel, "The Last Canadian", by William Heine, The Patriot starts off as something quite unique for a Steven Seagal movie. Well, actually, that's not true. It starts off with the usual preposterous mix of gravitas and wisdom that ol' woodenhead always tries to give himself but then it turns into a killer virus movie. What the hell?

Seagal is a wise cowpoke who can heal animals with his wonderful selection of homemade remedies but, wouldn’t you just know it, he can also apply those healing hands to people too, making him a very popular doctor in his town. When a killer virus is released in the town (the kind of nasty stuff that Seagal worked with in the past before arguing with his superiors and trying to have a quiet life) then it soon becomes clear that one man may be the best hope to find a cure. And, somehow, his young daughter is keeping the germs at bay, making herself valuable to the baddies who released the virus without realising that the antidote didn’t work.

Seeing Seagal as a man of medicine is a bizarre experience. You initially wonder just what the hell he’s playing at before thinking that other action stars try to stretch themselves so why can’t Seagal . . . . . . . . . before returning to the main thought of “what the hell is he playing at?”

Thankfully, this doctor is just as handy with his fists as he is with a petri dish and microscope. There are only one or two action sequences throughout the movie but they’re not too bad. They’re certainly a lot better than the scenes showing Seagal to be a wise, mystical and benevolent healer of those around him. And better than most of the scenes between Seagal and the young girl playing his daughter (Camilla Belle, all too believable as a young Seagalina thanks to her wooden acting and expressionless face). 

 

This is a movie that just shouldn’t be any good at all but somehow provides a lot of unintentional laughs and simple entertainment in places. The cast are mostly unknowns so there’s no added reason to watch this unless you want to see a movie in which Seagal sticks a spike IN SOMEONE’S HEAD one moment before smiling at his daughter while flowers fall around them the next. You think I’m joking? Watch this for yourself and enjoy. Hell, I admit that I was intermittently entertained but perhaps not in the way that director Dean Semler intended.

5/10

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Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)

It was inevitable really, a sequel to the biggest hit that Steven Seagal ever had. The plot this time sees ex-SEAL Casey Ryback (Seagal) taking a train journey with his niece (Katherine Heigl before she shed her puppy fat and became too good for this kind of stuff – ironic considering that this movie and Bride Of Chucky are two of the more watchable films that she’s starred in). Unfortunately for everyone on the train, it is about to be commandeered by some very bad men (led by Eric Bogosian) who want to make ridiculously large sums of money by causing ridiculously large amounts of damage. It’s up to our hero chef to save the day once more.

Geoff Murphy directs this sequel, from a script written by Richard Hatem and Matt Reeves (yes, THAT Matt Reeves), and he often hits all the right buttons. The whole thing is ludicrously unbelievable but nobody stands around and pretends that they’re partaking in something by Shakespeare. Special effects are okay, though inconsistent, but people punch, kick and shoot each other convincingly enough and that’s the most important thing to get right in a film of this type.

Seagal provides his usual, limited, range of expressions, Eric Bogosian has a blast as the smartass bad guy and Katherine Heigl gets put in peril because she’s the niece of Ryback. Elsewhere, we get decent supporting turns from Morris Chestnut (he’s the nervy sidekick this time and he’s okay but, let’s face it, he’s no Erika Eleniak), Everett McGill is a tough baddie who relishes the challenge of facing up to Ryback and Peter Greene points a gun and shouts at people. There’s also a small amount of screentime for Brenda Bakke, who doesn’t get to do all that much but I have a soft spot for her and just thought I’d sneak her name in here.

Slap-happy chop-socky goodness, a train racing towards danger and a quip or two to accompany each major death – it all adds up to a sequel that will please fans of the first movie even if it’s all forgotten about a few days later. 
 
7/10

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Fire Down Below (1997)

First of all, let me just say that I was annoyed to find out I had missed Under Siege 2 in my exciting quest to view every Seagal movie in chronological order. That will be the next viewing and then normal service will resume. But for now ........

........

........

Yes, the child in me went into this movie secretly hoping that it was a film all about Steven Seagal suffering from cystitis but I knew that was unlikely to be the case. Instead, Seagal puts himself once again in the role of environmental warrior (as he did in On Deadly Ground).

The pony-tailed one plays EPA officer Jack Taggart, sent out to a small community that is being poisoned by a local big shot (played by Kris Kristofferson). While he’s there, Jack befriends a local man (Harry Dean Stanton), gets close to a local lady (Marg Helgenberger) and divides the rest of the populace right down the middle. As he starts causing more problems for the greedy polluters he starts putting himself in a lot more danger.

Director Felix Enriquez Alcala has a filmography chock full of TV work but he doesn’t do all that badly with his movie work. It’s a lesser Seagal movie but it’s still quite a distance removed from the worst that the man has starred in.

Jeb Stuart and Philip Morton provide a predictable and uneven script (it’s part ho-down sappiness and part gritty action flick with neither aspect really satisfying for viewers).

Thankfully, the cast has some great actors in there. Seagal isn’t one of them but he is Seagal so that’s that. Kristofferson is enjoyable if a bit too polite in the role of the big, bad polluter. Helgenberger gets by on likeability more than any great characterisation and Harry Dean Stanton is always a welcome addition to any movie but it’s Stephen Lang who steals the show as the brother of Helgenberger’s character.

 

Watch it, enjoy it and never feel the urge to seek it out again. 

5/10

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The Skulls III (2004)

The second sequel to The Skulls (as I’m sure you already gathered from the title) improves slightly on the previous movie thanks to one significant difference – the protagonist this time around is female.

Clare Kramer plays Taylor Brooks, a determined and smart young woman who finds a loophole allowing her to be considered for acceptance by The Skulls, a secret society that’s not really all that secret. If you have seen the previous movies then you know the drill by now – someone gets to join The Skulls, things become a bit strained, deceit and/or death occurs, everything goes sour for the new recruit, a plan is hatched to fix everything and cancel the lifetime membership.

J. Miles Dale directs this time and he does just what you’d expect with a second sequel to a middling teen thriller. Joe Johnson’s script tries to surprise but savvy viewers will always know exactly what’s coming.

Kramer isn’t too bad in the lead role and her character is easier to root for than the previous protagonists as she overcomes extra adversity and discrimination due to her gender. Bryce Johnson sneers capably enough, Steve Braun is just fine in the role as supportive fellow Skull newbie and Dean McDermott and Maria del Mar are both pretty bad as two detectives trying to solve a case that is revealed as the movie progresses (the main character is telling her side of things to the police as the movie gets underway). Barry Bostwick fans may be pleased to see . . . . . . . . . . Barry Bostwick in a prominent role. He does okay but it’s more of a fun performance than anything remotely realistic and  believable.

The Skulls III shouldn’t exist but it does and it’s actually quite watchable. It’s not really all that good but it’s not really all that bad either. Which is why it gets such an average rating.  

5/10

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The Skulls II (2002)

A sequel to the teen movie that revolved around a secret society that seemed to be the world’s worst secret, The Skulls II almost slavishly follows all of the rules governing how to make a lesser sequel. No stars but a leading man who looks a bit like the leading man in the first movie? Robin Dunne looks enough like Joshua Jackson in a certain light to tick that box. A plot that covers similar ground to the first movie, and includes a number of scenes that feel like carbon copies, while missing any tension and excitement this time around? Yep, that box is ticked. A further lack of care for anything resembling consistency and/or plausibility? Ohhhhh yes.

Robin Dunne plays Ryan Sommers, a young man who gets received into The Skulls but who doesn’t really care for their traditions and rites. He’s only there because his older brother (played by James Gallanders) was there. When Ryan spots what he thinks is a fatal accident it isn’t long before The Skulls are doing what they seem to do best – covering up mischief, ruining lives and blackmailing everyone that they have to.

There’s just nothing of interest here for those, like myself, who didn’t think that the first movie was more than one or two steps above average. We get one gratuitous bit of T & A but nothing more to make the film as “sexy” as it seems to want to be, the twisted situation spiralling out of control isn’t as well handled here and the actors just aren’t as good. Dunne doesn’t really have the charm for the lead role, though he tries admirably, but Lindy Booth brightens up the screen whenever she’s on it and Nathan West and Aaron Ashmore portray their characters with satisfying smugness and more than a hint of menace. 

 

A couple of people wrote the lacklustre script before Joe Chappelle decided to direct the thing without any hint of enthusiasm for the material. In fact, as unbelievable and stretched as the central concept is I’d have to say that I was most disappointed with a second half that piled conspiracy theory cliché upon cliché before turning its back on many of the rigid rules set out from the opening of the first movie. 

4/10 

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The Skulls (2000)

This teen thriller about a powerful secret society hidden within the walls of a top Ivy League institution is a lot of fun despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that it starts off being quite unbelievable and just gets more and more implausible with each scene.

Joshua Jackson is the young lad with no family fortune who finds himself lucky enough to be joining “The Skulls”. His friends, played by Leslie Bibb and Hill Harper, don’t view this as a good thing. “If it's secret and elite, it can't be good”.

There is one fellow being initiated at the same time (played by Paul Walker) who thinks it is a good thing indeed . . . . . . . . until something goes a bit wrong and it starts to become clear just how far-reaching and powerful this secret society really is.

Written by John Pogue, and directed by Rob Cohen, The Skulls has a decent cast and lively pacing to carry an audience through the preposterousness from start to finish. This is a secret society that has a large symbol stuck on top of a main building. It’s a secret society easier to infiltrate and mess with than Wikipedia entries. For goodness sake, its members are BRANDED. But part of the fun to be had from this movie is derived from laughing at those involved. The film may want to sell itself as some sleek teen thriller but, really, it also points and laughs at those who will go to ridiculous lengths just to join some exclusive club that will have them as a member.

Joshua Jackson, Leslie Bibb, Paul Walker and Hill Harper are all good enough in their respective roles but the real treat for film fans comes from having support from Craig T. Nelson (brilliant as the ruthlessly ambitious father of Paul Walker’s character), William Petersen and Christopher McDonald. Steve Harris is also excellent as Detective Sparrow.

Nothing to seek out and see immediately, The Skulls would fit the bill if you were stuck indoors on a rainy evening and it came on TV. Arguably more entertaining for all the wrong reasons than for all the right ones, it’s still entertaining.
 
6/10 

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Poltergeist III (1988)

That spooky, nasty reverend Kane is back (this time played by Nathan Davis after the death of actor Julian Beck) and he still wants Carol Anne, despite the fact that she now lives in a sleek, ultra-modern highrise building with her uncle and aunt (Tom Skerritt and Nancy Allen). Thankfully, this big building has lots of mirrors and reflective surfaces that can become portals for Kane’s particular brand of evil.

You can try to be all deep and meaningful about it and put it this way – Poltergeist was about the insidious nature of television and how too much exposure to it can literally eat up the life of your child, Poltergeist II: The Other Side was about the family unit and how important and difficult it was to stay united against outside pressures and obstacles, Poltergeist III is about the perils of complete modernisation that leads to alienation and far too many opportunities for wrongdoing. Or you could just say that Poltergeist was a great ghost flick, Poltergeist II: The Other Side was a decent ghost flick with a definite baddie to focus on and Poltergeist III was the movie that went back to the well one time too many.

The acting is okay from all involved but everything is undermined by a poor script (that should have simply been titled “Carol Anne” due to the number of times that her name is called out) and mediocre execution. Director Gary Sherman (who also shares the blame for co-writing the thing) seems happy to go along with everything that is wrong with many modern horror movies. You know what I mean: people keep running off alone, nobody seems to notice while lots of other folk disappear, one jump scare is repeated so often that it ends up being ineffective, etc.

It’s a shame that this was the last movie for young Heather O’Rourke (her death after this movie completed a trio of deaths that people referred/refer to as “The Poltergeist Curse”) because it’s just not a very good film. On a lighter note, it’s the first film gig for a young Lara Flynn Boyle so fans may want to check it out for that reason. 

There are still a few decent moments here and there but, overall, this is a poor end. 
 
5/10

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Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)

I used to love Poltergeist II when I was young. I thought it was even better than the first movie. Now, with the benefit of age and wisdom (okay, okay, just with the benefit of age then), I can see a lot of the flaws it has and how it pales in comparison to the first movie.

Almost all of the main cast members return (with the exception of Dominique Dunne who was, tragically, killed by an abusive ex-boyfriend not long after the release of the first movie) for the continuing tale of a family plagued by supernatural events. This time around they have help in the form of Taylor (Will Sampson) as young Carol Anne (Heather O’Rourke) is targeted by crazy Kane (Julian Beck, who died of stomach cancer after this film was completed). The Freeling family must stick together as a unit to battle the forces working against them.

It seems kind of churlish to complain about a lack of believability in a sequel to a movie that revolved around a little girl being taken by ghosts into a TV but that’s the biggest failing of this sequel. It’s also not helped by an uneven tone that fails to blend horror and humour as effectively as the first movie did and, instead, just has one or two impressive moments left among a number of other scenes drained of any tension due to a mix of lacklustre execution and overused humour. This time around, the Freeling family (Craig T. Nelson and JoBeth Williams as the father and mother, in particular) don’t seem particularly terrified by everything going on around them. While I appreciate that this time around they’re seeing spookiness that’s not entirely new to them I still think that they should have been more shaken up. 

Michael Grais and Mark Victor return to the writing duties, with Brian Gibson taking a turn in the director’s chair, but this movie is saved by the cast and one or two great special effects moments (just keep your eye on that tequila worm as one prime example). 

It’s not a bad movie at all but, unsurprisingly, it’s not as good as the superb original. 

6/10 

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