Attack Of The 50 Foot CamGirl (2022)

There have been many films over the years that have shown us people of various unusual sizes, from men and women who have been shrunk down to a size smaller than ants, to people enlarged enough to tower over buildings around them. And, although this was hitherto unbeknownst to me, a few of those films have been made over the last 5-10 years, often placing an attractive female in the lead role.

Attack Of The 50 Foot CamGirl is exactly what you think it is. Ivy Smith plays Beverly Wood, a popular cam girl who is always looking to boost her viewership and ratings. She is managed by her scheming husband (played by Eli Cirino) and often feels threatened by her mistreated assistant, Fuschia (Christine Nguyen). And then a mishap leads to her having a very sudden growth spurt.

Written by Kent Roudenbush (and I will leave you to check out his filmography for yourself, but “highlights” from his body of work include Corona Zombies and Barrie & Kendra Save The Tiger King), the best thing about this movie is that it has a mercifully short runtime. I will say, however, that it also has a few moments of wit here and there, and embraces the very low budget in a way that gives it a certain charm.

The fact that Jim Wynorski is in the director’s chair also means that you’re going to get a fair bit of gratuitous nudity, with the man drawn to a large bust just as obsessively as Russ Meyer. He is another one of those directors who now has a filmography varying between adult-oriented fare and occasional cheap adventures churned out to please undemanding kids, but I am not going to pretend that I don’t enjoy most of his films for the same reason he probably enjoys directing them.

The cast give performances that could best be described as fitting this type of film (cheap ‘n’ cheerful). Smith is amusingly vain and vapid for most of the runtime, only starting to become more considerate, of herself and her situation, when her giant size requires her to rely on others for some proper help (and not just keeping her supplied with a constant stream of Cosmos). Nguyen is decent enough, playing her character with thin-lipped resentment until she gets to eventually drop the facade completely and let out some anger. Cirino is the villain of the piece, which is fairly obvious from the very beginning, and it’s interesting that his worsening behaviour is shown as an increased and more overt level of manipulation and gaslighting, basically just an amplification of how we have seen him act in every main scene at the start of the film. Lisa London, Frankie Cullen, and Jaret Sacrey play three scientists who inadvertently cause, and try to solve, the plight of our lead, and they provide a number of moments that may make easily-pleased viewers chuckle slightly. I chuckled slightly, once or twice.

This isn’t a good film. It isn’t made very well. It isn’t one I can imagine ever rewatching. But it works as an amusing enough distraction, a throwaway bit of fun that once again allows Wynorski to make use of a premise in a way that will best allow him to film some busty women cavorting around onscreen. Is it art? No. It feels like everyone onscreen probably helped out as much behind the camera, perhaps for the promise of some time spent in sunshine with snacks and drinks provided. But not all movies have to be art. Some just help you waste an hour with your brain switched off. This did that. Which means it did exactly what it set out to do.

4/10

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The Ghoulies Movie Series (1984 - 1994)

Movies are made for all kinds of reasons. To tell a fantastic story. To teach a lesson. To make money from fans of established properties. Or to get as much as possible from the latest trends. Empire Pictures, the main production company behind Ghoulies, would often work with that last motivating factor. Ghoulies was a dark comedy horror that began development before the release of Gremlins, but the timing of it made it seem designed to cash in on the success of Gremlins. In fact, after the release of the latter movie, we ended up with a whole host of mini-creature features. The Critters series - another apparently started before Gizmo and co. ruled the box office - remains one of the most consistently solid b-movie quartets I can think of (with only Tremors coming close to it), but it was a rare cash-in that managed to avoid feeling lazy and cheap. The standard of the other movies to come out in the subsequent years would be more in line with Munchies and Hobgoblins.

Ghoulies (1984) looked as if it had some potential. Although initially a bit of a head-scratcher, it was easier to enjoy when you realised that the comedic elements were intentional. The creature design wasn't too bad, the special effects weren't appalling, and it had the benefit of a cast that included both a pre-fame Mariska Hargitay and Scott Thomson (Copeland from the Police Academy series). And the video cover had a slimy monster popping out of a toilet. I was 9 or 10 when I first saw that cover and I knew that I had to see the movie. Bear in mind that I MAY have seen this movie before Gremlins. My memory is hazy, but I recall filling up my Gremlins Panini sticker album for a long, long time before getting to see the movie itself. This review here will sound like me repeating myself if you just read this paragraph.

Ghoulies 2 (1988) went one better. The monsters were coming out of the toilet again, but this time a couple of taglines played up the mix of comedy and horror.
One read: "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bathroom"
The other: "They'll get yours in the end."
The creature design was even better this time around, the laughs were more obvious, and the carnival setting helped a lot (more horror movies should make use of the carnival atmosphere). It also had the enjoyable Phil Fondacaro in a fairly substantial role, and J. Downing as the kind of uptight, heartless businessman/human villain viewers just love to see get their comeuppance. Ghoulies 2 wasn't just good. It was, that rare thing indeed, superior to the first film.

But, just when you thought the series might end up as a pleasant surprise, along came Ghoulies Go To College (1991). AKA Ghoulies III. I guess that someone somewhere assumed that if the sassy creatures had drawn such a great response from viewers while in a carnival setting then it would be a win-win situation to place them in the middle of a . . . . . . . . . . . . . frathouse comedy. Oh yes, that happened. And Kevin McCarthy was roped in to play Professor Ragnar. And did I mention that the creatures now talk? Which allows every scene to practically overflow with "witty wisecracks". The end result isn't good, although it's a relief to see the makers of the movie actually remember that it should have some decent monster action by the time we get to the grand finale. Film fans may find it worth a watch now to see Kane Hodder in a very brief role, playing a sap who ends up stuck in a mop bucket, and Jason Scott Lee giving no sign whatsoever of the talent that he would be able to display in the next few years. At least there's also a fleeting amount of gratuitous nudity to ease the pain.

Last, and very much least, we were given Ghoulies IV (1994). And when I say that we were given it I mean given in the same way that people are given a punch in the face, or radiation poisoning, or even syphilis. Directed by Jim Wynorski, a man who has given me delights as varied as Chopping Mall and Cleavagefield, this movie insults the audience with the most tenuous of links to the first film (okay, the male lead kinda reprises his role), a rambling and shoddy plot that it's hard to remotely care about, and a couple of creatures that AREN'T EVEN REAL FUCKING GHOULIES! Sorry, but when you stick with something over the years you can be irritated greatly by small details like that. It was the coffin nail in a series that had taken a more unusual journey than most. Think about it, we never even got to see a Ghoulies In Space outing (the usual check-point for horror franchises).

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Piranhaconda (2012)

Piranhaconda is another creature feature from director Jim Wynorski, and if there's one thing you can say about that man it's that he knows his audience. Produced by Roger Corman, this has beasties, bloodshed and busty ladies, and those are the key ingredients in making an enjoyable b-movie, according to some people. It's just a shame that the film doesn't quite do enough to be really good. I enjoyed watching it, but I won't be revisiting it any time soon.

The plot is right there in the title. There's a piranachonda or two loose in an exotic location, and a bunch of people do their best to avoid becoming a snack for the creatures. Those assorted characters include an egg-snatching Professor (Michael Madsen), a film crew (including the lovely Terri Ivens, Shandi Finnessey, and Rib Hillis), a couple (Cindy Lucas and Matthew Scott Townsend) trying to enjoy their holiday, and some opportunistic criminal types (including Rachel Hunter, Michael Swan and Noah Blake).

The special FX work on display is varied (although everything is slightly better after the opening sequence), the film has a lively theme song, there's no proper sense of geography, the acting isn't great (although the lovely Terri Ivens does just fine), and logic goes out of the window within the first few minutes. But you knew that already, because this is a film called Piranhaconda.

The cast are far from the worst bunch ever assembled to parade in front of cameras, the script by Mike MacLean, has some welcome humour running throughout, and I have already mentioned the lovely Terri Ivens.

It may be dumb fun, but it IS fun. That's why any b-movie such as this one will never be completely dismissed as long as it tries to keep people entertained. The worst crime that a film can commit is to be boring, and Piranhaconda isn't boring.

5/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Piranhaconda-DVD-Michael-Madsen/dp/B009W1NSXY/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1394401699&sr=1-1&keywords=piranhaconda

Camel Spiders (2011)

What else do you need to know about Camel Spiders that isn't made immediately clear by the title? Roger Corman has a producer credit. Jim Wynorski directed the thing (and also co-wrote it with J. Brad Wilke). The CGI is pretty poor but not as poor as the acting from most of the cast. Oh, and the biggest names involved are Brian Krause and C. Thomas Howell. Now you're either dying to see this already or you're already considering hunting down every copy of the movie out there and burning them all. The latter option may be a bit extreme but I can't put up any major defence for the movie. It's pretty bad.

There's a slim plot. Some soldiers (led by Brian Krause) are fighting when a bunch of big-ass spiders end up killing the enemy and inadvertently helping them out. That would all be fine and dandy if the spiders didn't then creep into the body of a deceased soldier and get carted over to U.S. soil. Before you can say "Hey Mr. Charmed, meet Mr. Soul Man" it's a big mess as nasty CGI spiders start killing folk you don't care about while Krause and C. Thomas Howell try to take charge and save the day.

I kinda enoyed watching Camel Spiders for the first 10-15 minutes, I won't lie, and there were moments when I thought "I realise how bad this is but it's also just mindless fun". In fact, as the spiders began to instil more fear into people and jump at every paper-thin supporting character I considered giving this an average to good rating. Then it just kept going and going with no improvement. The script, which had initially seemed amusingly dire and inept, was just dire. The CGI wasn't terrible or good enough to be constantly entertaining. The story was drawn out to feature length when it could barely have made for an entertaining 60 minutes. And then there was the acting. Brian Krause and C. Thomas Howell weren't great but they looked like Oscar contenders alongside some of their co-stars (who I'm just not even going to name).

Jim Wynorski knows how to use a small budget to at least get something made but Camel Spiders is one of his worst outings, it's not even as much fun as the ridiculous Cleavagefield (which a few of you may remember I actually enjoyed). There are a lot of low budget horror movies out there better than this, a lot of spider movies out there better than this and even a lot of Jim Wynorski movies out there better than this. Don't make this one a priority.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Camel-Spiders-DVD-Brian-Krause/dp/B0076LAI9Y/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1336250258&sr=1-1

Deathstalker II (1987)

AKA Deathstalker II: Duel Of The Titans.

Well, here's a turn up for the books. I thought that Deathstalker was an okay slice of hokum so I approached the sequels with more than a pinch of pessimism - the usual pattern tends to be that the sequels go down and down in quality until you get to the very end and simply have to pray that the franchise runs out of breath before you do. I perked up slightly when I saw that the film was directed by Jim Wynorski. And, only a few minutes into the proceedings, when I heard the line "ordinarily I don't mind seeing a woman get a good beating, if she deserves it, but this doesn't look like much of a contest to me" I knew I was in for a treat.

Deathstalker II is full of action, one-liners delivered with a cocky style by John Terlesky that puts him almost up there with the mighty Bruce Campbell, gratuitous nudity from the lovely Monique Gabrielle and just a neverending supply of fun, fun, fun. The fact that this is set in olde worlde times and you can easily see both a trailer in the background and a streetlight (or film light) quite clearly just adds to the fun, reminding you that all of this entertainment was brought to you on a budget that probably barely stretched to include a decent lunch for everyone.

The plot sees Deathstalker (played this time by the aforementioned Terlesky) urged to go on a quest by Reena The Seer (Monique Gabrielle). She foretells great rewards and fame for Deathstalker and that's the kind of talk that he likes. But what she doesn't tell him is that she is actually Princess Evie, ousted from her position by Jarek The Sorcerer (John Lazar), a man who has created a doppelganger of her to hold the throne. Toni Naples plays a woman who wants Deathstalker to die at her hands while Maria Socas is the Amazon Queen who wants Deathstalker to be physically tested in more ways than one.

It's full of numerous random moments, though not quite as random as the first movie, and cheekily re-uses footage from part one but this movie is really just overflowing with enough energy and humour to make it one of the better b-movies I've seen in some time. As well as the standard swordplay we also get to enjoy some wrestling (with Dee Booher, billed here as Queen Kong, playing the formidable opponent), a scene with lots of zombies posing a threat and did I mention the gratuitous nudity from the lovely Monique Gabrielle?

John Terlesky is superb in the leading role, John Lazar is okay as the villain (though it's a shame that he stays remarkably restrained), Toni Naples and Maria Socas are both attractive and strong women and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . did I mention the gratuitous nudity from the lovely Monique Gabrielle?

The technical side isn't really up to much but Wynorski directs with his usual competence, energy and enthusiasm standing in for any major resources, and the screenplay has a lot of wit, even if most of the gags are amusingly lame ones. There's also some great, rousing, music by Chuck Cirino. It may be a little overused but it had me tapping my toes every time it was played.

7/10

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976-Evil II (1992)

Well, it's pretty unlikely that people got to the end credits of 976-Evil and thought "that was great but I really want another movie using the same concept and throwing in a bit of astral projection madness" but here we are anyway with 976-Evil II, a movie directed by Jim Wynorski (a name familiar to purveyors of schlock and perhaps still best known for the fantastic fun of Chopping Mall).

The plot is so silly that you expect someone from the Monty Python crew to come along and stop proceedings at any moment. Mr. Grubeck (Rene Assa) is the latest person to be seduced by the telephone number that offers a very specific horror-scope for each individual and he's been on a bit of a killing spree. Apprehended by the police, things get confusing when the killings continue while Mr. Grubeck is safley locked in a prison cell. Will nobody put 2 and 2 together and realise that the killer can astrally project himself anywhere while he's asleep? Spike (Patrick O'Bryan) doesn't know exactly what's going on but he does know, from bitter experience, just how dangerous that 976 number is. Perhaps Robin (Debbie James) can help him put all of the pieces together before more people are dead.

While it follows on from the first movie in some ways, mainly the use of the phone number and the returning character of Spike, 976-Evil II could just as easily have been moulded into an original movie that could have been just as silly and unscary while not needing to tarnish the good name of a fairly decent movie. There are no characters you really get to care about (Spike and Robin aren't really great leads while the script meanders from one limp set-piece to the next), no impressive death scenes and no real sense of the fun that's obviously supposed to be coming from the screen.

I knew that the movie would have some issues when the first sixty seconds featured some gratuitous nudity. Hey, I'm certainly not averse to nudity (gratuitous or otherwise) but it's never a good sign when a) it occurs within the first minute and b) it's not followed up by plenty more. If you offer nothing else then at least have the decency to go all out with the gratuitous nudity. One fleeting glimpse of nakedness at the start of a film does not make up for 90 minutes of tedium.

There is some fun to be had with the supporting cast - featuring the great George 'Buck' Flower, the lovely Monique Gabrielle and a bizarre cameo role for Brigitte Nielsen - and one scene utilising a twisted version of It's A Wonderful Life is genuinely entertaining but the rest falls flat. The script, written by Erik Anjou and based on a story by Rick Glassman, is inept in a way that fails to raise even unintentional laughs while Wynorski provides uninspired direction.

In summation, I was genuinely more entertained by the last Jim Wynorski movie I watched, which was Cleavagefield.

3/10.

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Cleavagefield (2009)

Director Jim Wynorski, many years ago, used to direct quality schlock and provided genre fans with the dubious classic killer robot flick, Chopping Mall. Nowadays, he still directs schlock but he's amassed a HUGE number of softcore movies in his filmography. Many of them also have fantastic titles. The Da Vinci Coed, The Hills Have Thighs, The Devil Wears Nada. As a sucker for a good pun, I love these titles even though I have no interest in the kind of movies that they're attached to. Occasionally, however, I just have to watch some parody to see if it can possibly live up to such a title. Cleavagefield is one example, I just couldn't resist myself from wanting to see a film with such a superb title.

The movie begins with a woman running round a street corner to hide from a monster that looks a bit like Godzilla. That's the CARTOON Godzilla. The creature moves unconvincingly forward, looking for all the world like a novelty balloon, and then the camera moves in to focus on the fearful woman's breasts. From then on we get a succession of sex scenes, intersperesed with a number of "real footage" moments. All of the sex is raunchy but soft (plenty of female nudity while erections are kept hidden away) and there's no denying that most of the women onscreen are very attractive though I don't know who any of them are. Honest.
About twenty minutes into the movie, mass destruction occurs. Which means we get a lot of dodgy computer effects, the return of that laughable monster and shots of women runnin in panic while making sure they jiggle in all the right places. Once a safe haven is found then more sex can be had. And, of course, the cameraman can always reminisce about the great recording he made in Hawaii with two giggly blonde women who were able to pleasure each other by writhing naked against each other, sometimes facing in opposite directions. Back out on the streets, the women are slimed by the monster but it's okay because they spot a nearby massage parlour to hide in. To hide and shower in. To hide and shower and find ways to say "I lesbian you" in. You can imagine how the rest of the movie plays out. It's all pretty much the same.
And then there's the soundtrack that features songs with the astounding lyrics "I need your love, I've got to have it" and, instant classic status assured, "pussy pussy bang bang".

Of course, the acting is pretty dire but everyone is full of good humour and goes along with the silliness of it all. Tallulah Blankhead is the woman who gets the initial attention but then it's Brandee Schaefer (aka Brandin Rackley) who is the nominal lead. Amy Ried co-stars alongside buxom Rebecca Love, lucky cameraman Frankie Cullen, Lucia Santos, Julie K. Smith (playing the typical unprofessional doctor who often appears in this type of thing) and Davina Murphy and Dallas Lowe as those giggling blondes. There are some other men onscreen but I doubt that the target audience will be interested in learning their names.

The script is actually fitfully amusing and throws in some random quips as well as poking fun at itself. For this particular subgenre, this actually has a wit that almost makes the whole thing closer to something altogether passable. Almost.

It is what it is. Those seeking fun with plenty of screentime for busty, naked women may enjoy it or they may seek out some stronger material. It's a mixture of naughty and sweet that works surprisingly well.

5/10 

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Chopping Mall (1986).

When a shopping mall decides to turn it’s security over to laser-armed robots and a bunch of youngsters decide to stay in the mall to party late at night what’s the worst that could happen?

Director Jim Wynorski (who co-wrote this with Steve Mitchell) is someone I tend to like, despite most of his output being movies that you only watch for giggles when you have enough alcohol to accompany the experience. How can you not like a guy who made Scream Queen Hot Tub Party? Chopping Mall remains one of his best films though, to be fair, I’ve only seen this one and Vampirella and have yet to catch the delights of titles such as The Da Vinci Coed and The Bare Wench Project. Hell, I kinda want to see Cleavagefield purely based on the cheeky title.

But I digress.

The reason why Chopping Mall works so well is pure and simple: it’s fun. The robots can grab with pincers, electrocute people and fire their lasers while those stuck in the mall can panic and try to figure out how to defeat the three metal psychos. Wynorski doesn’t let things like logic or believability get in the way here but that’s okay because the whole thing is set up simply to maintain the mall-set carnage. So we have lasers that can sometimes make someone’s head explode and then simply give someone a small burn, we get large robots being able to creep up on wary victims walking backwards and the superb moment when an angry young man jumps into some small mall cart to ram a robot in a supremely pointless moment of self-sacrifice.

It must also be said that Wynorski knows what horror fans can enjoy. We get a smattering of gratuitous nudity, a bit of intentional comedy here and there, as much variety as possible in the death scenes and small roles for Mary Woronov and the legendary Dick Miller.

The cast are all there to be chased down and scared by the killbots but everyone does just fine with the material. The guys are all pretty forgettable and bland (though each one has a certain defining characteristic) but the female contingent includes Kelli Maroney (familiar to fans of Night Of The Comet) and Barbara Crampton (best known for her work with director Stuart Gordon).

And the killbots? Well, they’re basically a cross between Johnny 5 and Sir Killalot from Robot Wars. They don’t look like speedy, stealthy killers but they certainly do look like they could cause a lot of pain and damage if allowed to. Which the director does, no problem.

I know, deep down, that I shouldn’t like this as much as I do. I know that many others won’t really like it as much as me. But they can write their own review, this one is mine.

7/10. 

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