American Pie Presents Band Camp (2005)

The first of the American Pie franchise instalments to go straight to video, this is an offshoot from the original trio that moves the focus away from the gang that audiences got to know and love and puts the character of . . . . . . . . Matt Stifler (Steve Stifler's younger brother, played here by Tad Hilgenbrink) front and centre. It's a shift of focus that doesn't bode well, and as the film goes on things start to get worse and worse.

The plot is as follows: Matt Stifler is a complete douchebag (not my opinion, he IS a complete douchebag . . . . . . imagine Steve Stifler with absolutely no minor moments of likeability whatsoever) and when he decides to play a mean-spirited prank on the school band he is punished by being made to spend his Summer holiday at band camp. This gives him a chance to secretly record some of the girls getting nekkid, or so he hopes, and it also keeps him in close proximity to the lovely Elyse (Arielle Kebbel).

Almost everything that you loved about the first three American Pie movies is absent here. First of all, this cast just doesn't have the appeal and/or charisma that the lads from the previous movies had. Tad Hilgenbrink is terrible in the lead role, but he's not helped by a script (written by Brad Riddell) that fails to do enough to offset his moments of major douchebaggery. Kebbel is actually quite likeable, and Eugene Levy and Chris Owen carry some goodwill along with them, but only because we know their characters from the previous movies. Ginger Lynn has an amusing role and Omar Benson Miller is easy to warm to, but those two have minor supporting roles. The folk with more screentime, such as Jason Earles, Crystle Lightning, Matt Barr and Lauren C. Mayhew, are all either unmemorable or unpleasant.

If director Steve Rash tried to overcome that problem by throwing in more laughs or even, let's be honest here, more gratuitous nudity to please the target demographic then maybe the film would rise up to a level of average. Sadly, he doesn't even think to do that. The movie is one big tease, which is fine for a film that wants to be subtle or sophisticated while chalking up the gags. It's not fine for a film that has the words American Pie in the title.

So, we have no laughs (well, only a few, at a push), no characters worth rooting for, a low-budget version of the soundtracks used in the first three American Pie movies and even a lack of any nudity that teenage males should enjoy - although the unrated version runs about 3 minutes longer and at least panders to that base requirement.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/American-Pie-Presents-Band-Camp/dp/B000B7VZNI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368608188&sr=8-1&keywords=american+pie+band+camp

Waiting For Lightning (2012)

Fans of skateboarding have really been spoiled lately. First came the absolutely fantastic Bones Brigade: An Autobiography and now this, a very different but equally interesting and inspiring story of someone who used their skateboard skills for much more than what could be seen by the spectators.

Danny Way is the man in the middle of the action here. He's a fantastic, hugely talented skateboarded, but he's also the man that basically came up with the MegaRamp for skateboarding. Which looks like this . . .

(megaramp.com)

Or, if you're attempting to jump over The Great Wall Of China, it looks like this . . .

(dannyway.com)

Sorry, did I forget to mention that detail before now? Yes, Waiting For Lighting looks specifically at an attempt by Danny Way to jump over The Great Wall Of China. On a skateboard. If you think that sounds equal parts insane and inspirational then you'd be right. But, as this movie shows, Way's entire life has been full of moments where he has been both insane and inspiration. Thankfully, he doesn't ever let anything keep him down.

Interspersing footage of the jump being set up and prepared for with talking head moments (featuring Danny Way's family and big names from the world of skateboarding such as Tony Hawk and Rodney Mullen), Waiting For Lightning is never dull as it sketches out events that led to the creation of the man about to attempt such an amazing feat. In fact, it's a very emotional story. Way has skated his way through some very dark years and painful losses, all related in a way that specifies the point of impact and builds up a portrait of this extraordinary sportsman. When the second half unfolds, with the worries about the big jump, there is an almost unbearable tension, created by editing and the added danger from the other big jumps that Way becomes known for. There was one particular moment, at the ESPN X-Games 2004, that made me literally jump and then look away before forcing myself to return my eyes to the screen.

Director Jacob Rosenberg does a fantastic job, as does the entire team, but this wouldn't be half the documentary that it is if Danny Way was half the man that he is. I'm annoyed with myself for not being more familiar with his name before now (considering how I like to think of myself as a skateboarding fan) and I encourage other people to give this documentary a watch as soon as possible.

If you already know about Danny Way then you will have some idea of what to expect. If you don't know about the man, change that state of affairs now.


9/10

http://www.amazon.com/Waiting-Lightning-Blu-ray-Danny-Way/dp/B00AJVKPIC/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1370436260&sr=8-3&keywords=waiting+for+lightning

Uncle Buck (1989)

Written and directed by John Hughes, this is a typical . . . . . . . John Hughes movie. But despite so many people having fond memories of it, thanks to the presence of the wonderful John Candy, it's not his best.

Candy plays the titular uncle, a man called upon to look after his nieces and nephew when his brother finds himself in a bind and with nobody else to turn to. Uncle Buck proceeds to cause a small amount of mayhem while doing his best to look after the kids, finding himself particularly messing up in his dealings with moody teenager Tia (Jean Louisa Kelly). This leads him to consider just where he is in his own life and just how he has been dealing with his own relationship (with Chanice, played by Amy Madigan).

Clocking in at just over an hour and a half, full of lively soundtrack moments and conversations that you would never really hear outside of John Hughes movies, this is an easy movie to enjoy. In fact, I've only ever met one person who couldn't stand it and that person is my wife (who is weird anyway . . . . . . . hence the fact that I was able to get her to marry me).

Candy is great in the main role, Jean Louisa Kelly does fine as the moody teenager causing him so much strife, Macaulay Culkin is very funny in one of his first major roles and so is Gaby Hoffmann. Amy Madigan does well as the woman who despairs of Buck while remaining in love with him, Laurie Metcalf steals a couple of scenes and Jay Underwood gets to be the young man, named "Bug", spending far too much time with Tia in an attempt to move the relationship along as quickly as possible (as Buck well knows).

There are many moments here that I enjoy - Candy being quizzed by Culkin, the killer line delivered to a shocked Suzanne Shepherd (playing a teacher trying to instil better behaviour in her young charges), every time Candy is unsubtly warning off Underwood - but, for some reason, the film just doesn't come together for me in a way that it does for many others. I can watch it from start to finish without being bored, but it's one I don't have to rush to ever watch again.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Double-Brewsters-Millions-Uncle-Buck/dp/B0058OABSY/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1370954757&sr=8-4&keywords=uncle+buck

Keith Lemon: The Film (2012)

I don't like Keith Lemon. In fact, I don't like any of the characters that have been created by Leigh Francis. So it's only fair to state that right up front. "But why did you even watch the film?" people will ask. Well, I never make my mind up until the end credits roll. Of course, I knew I wouldn't be the target demographic for this movie, but I also wasn't the target demographic for many other movies that I have watched and ended up enjoying. There was a chance that I would enjoy Keith Lemon: The Film.

I didn't. But there WAS a chance.

I'm sure that most fans of the character will rate this as at least a solid 7/10 movie, okay, so those people can skip the rest of my review and head off to the sun-kissed land in which Keith Lemon is funny and lots of other things go on that I just don't understand.

In fact, the movie is so depressing that I'm not doing a full review. What I'm going to do is very briefly describe the premise and then simply list every "celebrity" cameo that I can recall and leave others to judge.

Keith Lemon dreams of the big time, of course. It looks like it will never happen, despite the support of his lovely girlfriend (Rosie, played by Laura Aikman) and his friend Duncan (Kevin Bishop, a man as painfully unfunny as Leigh Francis, but also without any of the strange likability that Francis has . . . . . . . . strangely, I don't like the comedy that Francis provides but I like the sweet core hidden beneath the stupidity and crudity). Things turn around, however, when he meets Archimedes (Verne Troyer). Archimedes can fix things, and it's not long until Keith Lemon has wowed everyone with The Lemon Phone, The Keith Lemon Phone. He has lots and lots of money, lots and lots of time with Kelly Brook (played by Kelly Brook, putting on a brave face while involved in many of the worst moments) and no care for those who stood by him before he made the big time.

Written by Francis and director Paul Angunawela, I will admit that the obvious digs at Apple were pretty amusing (Keith finds himself with a phone that nobody is interested in, until he sticks a lemon on it). It's just a shame that the potential inherent in that approach to the material was ignored for a mix of catchphrases, horrible gags based around sex and euphemisms and cameo appearance after cameo appearance from z-list celebrities who I don't really enjoy seeing on TV, let along in movies.

So . . . . let's list off those names/faces I can recall (despite trying to forget) and wrap this thing up, eh.

Keith Lemon: The Film also "stars" . . . . . . .

David Hasselhoff.
Paddy McGuinness.
Emma Bunton.
Melanie Chisholm.
Jedward.
Gary Barlow.
Vernon Kay.
Fearne Cotton.
Holly Willoughby.
Jason Donovan.
Peter Andre.
Rizzle Kicks.
Tinchy Stryder.
Billy Ocean.
Gino D'Acampo.
Chris Moyles.
Ronan Keating
Denise Van Outen.
Phillip Schofield.


If you read that list and spent most of your time saying "WHO?" then that is the correct response. Hopefully, that's what everyone will be saying when, a few years from now, they hear the name Keith Lemon.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Keith-Lemon-The-Film-Blu-ray/dp/B008LU8PK8/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1371149886&sr=8-8&keywords=keith+lemon

Occupy Depression.

It is what it is.

https://www.facebook.com/occupydepression

Having spoken to more and more people on the internet, and offline in the real world, it has become more and more apparent that depression and bipolar disorder, like so many other mental health issues, can be better dealt with when we talk about them and remove the stigma.

Personally, I like to think that these afflictions are akin to the boggart in the Harry Potter stories. A scary, terrible thing for anyone to have to face, but ultimately something that CAN be laughed at and made silly long enough for any individual to face it down and lock it back in a box.

Occupy Depression is an attempt to do just that. It will be full of random bits of fun (movie clips, songs, comedy) and also articles and interviews dealing with depression. There will be conversation amongst people on the page, but we're not going to be the online equivalent of this moment . . . .

As the motto of the page goes: "You don't have to be depressed to post here . . . . . . but it helps."

Please pass the page link along to anyone you know who may enjoy what we're trying to do, and pop in yourself.

Here ends the PSA for today.

Quatermass And The Pit (1967)

I loved Quatermass And The Pit when I saw it as a young lad, when it really creeped me out, and I still love it today. It remains one of my favourite Hammer movies and a jewel in the company's crown, as far as I'm concerned.

Things start getting a bit strange when a mysterious object is revealed while workmen dig up parts of a London underground station. At first thought to be an unexploded WWII missile, it soon becomes apparent that the object is something far more mysterious . . . . and possibly far more dangerous. Luckily, Professor Bernard Quatermass (played with great gusto by Andrew Keir) is on hand to put forward a theory or two involving scientific explanations of events that seem far removed from our realm of understanding.

Helped by a fantastic cast of folk who may not have had GREAT fame, but who were all very good in their roles (James Donald and Barbara Shelley are particularly good, while the likes of Julian Glover and Duncan Lamont and Bryan Marshall all do great work in smaller roles), this movie retains such an impact and ability to impress thanks largely to the writing of Nigel Kneale.

Roy Ward Baker does just fine in the director's chair, but any drama we see is always small-scale stuff even while it's hinting at a larger "shockwave". So it's up to our own suspension of disbelief and imaginations to fill in the details just at the very edges of such a broad canvas and, because of the tone and grounding of it all by Kneale, this is easily done. The story unfolds like a standard mystery tale with things seeming very implausible at the beginning and then slowly becoming more and more believable as viewers are drawn into the world and also offered some genuinely interesting scientific theories/background on the situation.

A fantastic TV series turned into a fantastic movie.

8/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Ultimate-Hammer-Collection-Disc/dp/B000HN31KQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370333378&sr=8-1&keywords=hammer+boxset

I Spy (2002)

An action comedy that puts laid back Owen Wilson alongside fast-talking Eddie Murphy should be fairly enjoyable, right? Well, I Spy IS fairly enjoyable. It's just, sadly, not much more than that. And be warned, fans of the old TV series will find very little connection to it beyond the title.

Wilson is a U.S. government agent named Alex, and his latest mission is to find a top secret jet that can be rendered practically invisible. It has been stolen and will be sold to the higthest bidder, which will probably be someone who wants to use it as a highly effective bomb delivery system. To get close to the man (Malcolm McDowell) most likely to have the jet, Alex has to work alongside a civilian, a cocky boxer named Kelly Robinson, who doesn't like to be told what to do. Can the pair manage to get along long enough to complete the mission?

Director Betty Thomas, who has at least three much better movies in her past filmography (Doctor Dolittle, Private Parts and The Brady Bunch Movie), does competent enough work, but the movie is really undermined by the writing. Four people worked together on this screenplay, so I guess it's a limited success that they at least managed to contribute one laugh each.

Murphy may not be on top form, but he doesn't do a bad job. Owen Wilson also doesn't do a bad job, necessarily. It's just a shame that Wilson has somehow overplayed his schtick more than Murphy, as hard to believe as that is. McDowell does fine in the standard bad guy role, Famke Janssen is always a welcome addition to any cast, in my view, and Gary Cole occasionally swoops in to steal the movie as Carlos, the agent who actually looks and acts like someone who could be entrusted with top secret missions full of danger.

There are better buddy action comedies (I could name a dozen off the top of my head), there are better spy comedies (Get Smart is one of the best) and there are better movies you could pick starring any of the leads or supporting players. That doesn't necessarily mean that I Spy is a BAD film. It creeps just above average, but it should never be your top priority.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/I-Spy-DVD-Eddie-Murphy/dp/B00009B0QA/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1370935276&sr=1-1&keywords=I+spy

Eastern Promises (2007)

David Cronenberg followed up the magnificent A History Of Violence by reteaming with leading man Viggo Mortensen and creating something that works as both a companion piece and also a flipside to their preceding movie. A here and now of violence, if you will.

Events are set in motion by a young girl who gives birth to a child, but dies in the process. Naomi Watts plays a nurse named Anna, present at the birth and worried about the future of the newborn child. She takes a diary that belonged to the deceased girl, finds out that it's in Russian and sets out to get it translated, in an effort to find a family for the baby. Unfortunately, in her attempt to do a good deed she finds herself mixing with some bad people. Bad Russian gangster types. The big boss is Semyon (Armin Mueller-Stahl), messy situations are created by his son, Kirill (Vincent Cassel), and everything gets cleaned up by Nikolai (Viggo Mortensen), who constantly refers to him as just a driver. As Anna gets more involved with these people she puts herself, and others, in a very dangerous situation.

Unhurried, unfussy and completely unglamorous, Eastern Promises is a typically cool look at some unpleasantness by Cronenberg, working from a fantastic script by Steven Knight. Set in London, he matches his usual style with the great cinematography by Peter Suschitzky with outstanding results. London isn't the collection of buildings scattered around Big Ben and Notting Hill that it so often is in other movies. It's simply a big city, a place full of areas and buildings that you could pass by every day without a suspicion of what has gone on there.

But it's the acting that really lifts this up to a fantastic viewing experience. Naomi Watts is very good in her role, believably strong in her eagerness to do the right thing while also visibly unnerved. Armin Mueller-Stahl is great as the typical, cold gangster boss and Vincent Cassel is always entertaining as Kirill, the son who can never seem to do any right for doing wrong. The film belongs to Viggo Mortensen, however, and his performance is almost perfect. Okay, there may be problems with the accent to those who have a better ear than I do, but it's not too bad. Not too bad at all. His dialogue is also backed up by a physical performance arguably better than the one he delivered in A History Of Violence. Able support also comes from Sinead Cusack, Jerzy Skolimowski and even Tamer Hassan, in a small role that still allows him to feature in the most memorable sequence in the entire film.

Although the movie has quite a few moments of violence in it, none of them are flippant, "easy" movie deaths. This is a film about every bloodletting sending a message, about every body telling a story (be it through tattoos or fatal wounds) and about how much some people will risk in order to make a difference for the better. It's all that, PLUS it's a fantastic gangster movie AND it has one of the best and boldest fight scenes set in a bathhouse since . . . . . . . . . . . well, since ever.

9/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Eastern-Promises-Blu-ray/dp/B0010VXMQW/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1370799643&sr=8-2&keywords=eastern+promises

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)

The boys are back, and this time they're going to Hell. The original title of this film was, in fact, originally going to be "Bill & Ted Go To Hell" but, apparently, many Americans are put off by anything that uses the word Hell so that was changed. Thankfully, most of what made the first film so enjoyable was kept the same.

Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves reprise their main roles as, respectively, Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan. This time the future is jeopardised by the wicked De Nomolos (Joss Ackland), a man who has had enough of people being excellent to each other and enjoying rock 'n' roll music. He decides to crash the party in spectacular fashion, by using the time-travelling phonebox to send back evil robot versions of the boys, killing the real pair and then ruining their lives and musical career. It's a cunning plan, and one that looks as if it will work when Bill and Ted are killed off pretty quickly. But death doesn't have to be the end.

It may be a new director at the helm in the shape of Peter Hewitt, but writers Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon (whose name is reversed for the name of the villain) are back and clearly out to do their best for two characters embraced so readily by audiences the first time around.

Winter and Reeves slip back into their roles as easily as any of their casual clothing. They have some fun playing the bad robots, but always seem more at ease being the optimistic, naive, good guys. Rufus (played by George Carlin) returns, as do the princesses from the first film, although they are now played by Annette Azcuy and Sarah Trigger and they have slightly more screentime. Great support comes from Amy Stock-Poynton, Chelcie Ross, Pam Grier and many others (including Hal Landon Jr. and Roy Brocksmith, two men who at one point have to bravely attempt to act as if their bodies have been inhabited by the spirits of our leading dudes). But the highlight of the movie is William Sadler, hilariously deadpan - no pun intended - in the role of the Grim Reaper. The film moves along nicely before he appears, but as soon as his character starts to interact with Bill and Ted the whole thing is lifted slightly, putting it on a par with the first film.

People expecting more time travel shenanigans may be slightly disappointed, but the main premise IS based on altering timelines and the finale has some fun with the familiar phonebox. There are lots of great characters, all of them in the shadow of the Grim Reaper (suitably enough, I suppose), and a rousing rock song or two on the soundtrack, including the mighty God Gave Rock 'N' Roll To You. If you enjoyed the first movie then you'll enjoy this movie.

Station!

8/10

 http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bill-Teds-Bogus-Journey-DVD/dp/B00005KIVU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370204606&sr=8-1&keywords=bill+and+ted%27s+bogus+journey

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)

You may wonder just what could appeal to anyone above the age of 15 in a movie about two dim-witted metalheads who need to travel through time in a telephone box to improve their chances of presenting a very important history report. It's a fair query, but it's also one that has a fair answer.

There's no denying that Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is mainly a teen film, but the main characters are so naive and sweet that nothing about the movie really feels as if it's a film JUST showing how cool young things go through their daily lives. It's a film, like many others, about believing in yourself. It's a film about friendship. And it's a film about being excellent to each other. Which, let's face it, isn't the worst message for a teen film to contain.

Alex Winter is Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Keanu Reeves is Ted Theodore Logan. The two young men don't know it, but they will be a pretty big deal in the future. However, that will only happen if they pass that important history assignment, a moment in their lives that is so crucial that a man named Rufus (George Carlin) is sent back in a time-travelling telephone box to hand it over to them and give them the best chance of making everything right for a future generation. Bill and Ted decide that the best thing they can do is actually pick up a few historical figures in order to impress their teacher (Bernie Casey), and to also maybe fall for a couple of princesses (played by the lovely Diane Franklin and Kimberley LaBelle).

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure benefits from a surprisingly witty script from Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon (it may be daft, but it's far from all daft and the time-travel trickery is enjoyably realised), good direction from Stephen Herek that makes the most of the material and resources available and, perhaps most of all, spirited performances from the leads and everyone else involved. Terry Camilleri, Dan Shor, Tony Steedman, Rod Loomis, Al Leong, Robert V. Barron, Clifford David and Jane Wiedlin (as in Jane "Rush Hour" Wiedlin) have fun as they pretend to be, respectively, Napoleon, Billy The Kid, Socrates, Sigmund Freud, Genghis Khan, Abraham Lincoln, Ludwig van Beethoven and Joan Of Arc. Carlin is great as Rufus and Amy Stock-Poynton provides some amusement as the young lady who was once at school with Bill and Ted, but is now Bill's stepmother.

Maybe I am desperately trying to cling on to my last shred of youthful spirit so my opinion should be taken with a pinch of salt, but I think this movie still works well with anyone who still has an urge to turn up the volume when a favourite rock song comes on. The fact that it encourages a responsible mix of partying and learning, because learning is shown here as a GOOD thing, probably upsets as many people as it pleases. Which I just view as another aspect of the film that is most excellent.

8/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bill-Teds-Excellent-Adventure-DVD/dp/B001D07Q8K/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370200449&sr=8-1&keywords=bill+and+ted

Touchback (2011)

Despite one or two titles that I couldn't get a hold of, this is the last stop on the big tour of Kurt Russell's filmography, those checking over his IMDb listing and wondering why I haven't covered Cutlass should know that it's a short film so I didn't include it here.
I did, however, INCLUDE it here (as it's available on YouTube) so enjoy.

Touchback is a typical, sentimental sports drama. Mix a bit of Field Of Dreams with It's A Wonderful Life with any number of American Football movies and you'll get this.

Brian Presley plays Scott Murphy, a broken man thanks to a sports injury from his youth. He has a lot to be thankful for in life, including his wife (Macy, played by Melanie Lynskey), but it's hard to see those through the haze of regret and frustration. It's especially hard for him when he sees former team-mate Hall (Marc Blucas) doing so well and in a relationship with Jenny (Sarah Wright), who used to be Scott's girlfriend in high school. After a particularly bad day, Scott sits in his truck and considers just what he has left to live for. He thinks back to high school and the most important game of his life, but is it just a dream or is something very strange allowing history to be changed, if Scott chooses to change it.

Ticking every single box that you expect to be ticked, and with no surprises whatsoever, Touchback shouldn't really be as enjoyable and moving as it is. Maybe I'm just getting soft in my old age. Or maybe it's just so easy to identify with. It's not really all about football, it's about those choices that we all make to set us on different paths. Consciously or not, we make numerous decisions every day that lead us to exactly where we are in the here and now. I often tell my wife, and I apologise for anyone feeling nauseous after reading this, that I don't mind all of the mistakes I made in my life because they piled up and led, ultimately, to our meeting and developing a relationship. How can I want to change anything that could then undo such a good result?

Writer-director Don Handfield does everything exactly as you'd expect. There's some humour here and there, but the focus is more on the prospect of seriously changing a whole life than any Back To The Future style shenanigans. There's plenty of manipulation, most of which I admit I fell for. Hey, it's effective and affecting by the time it all builds towards the big finale.

The cast all do a decent job, though nobody excels (except, perhaps, Kurt Russell in a wonderful supporting role - maybe he should play every team coach ever). Brian Presley is strangely absent in the lead role, but Melanie Lynskey puts in a much better performance. Marc Blucas and Sarah Wright are perfectly fine in standard jock and cheerleader roles, respectively, and Kevin Covais joins in with some of the more fun moments as Todd White, a young, non-sporty man once bullied by Scott who now finds himself being befriended by the guy. And Christine Lahti also does well with her limited screentime, playing a mother who may not get along to watch her son in action on the football field, but who is always very proud of him.

The pacing, the dialogue, the shot choices, it's all by-the-numbers stuff. But that doesn't mean that it's bad, it's just never great.

6/10

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The Lords Of Salem (2012)

Damn you, Rob Zombie, damn you. It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to fall while stretching beyond your normal reach, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating when the end result is such a mess. I always think that a discussion of any Rob Zombie movie somehow requires an opening statement making clear exactly where I stand on the filmography of the man. I loved House Of 1000 Corpses and I loved The Devil's Rejects, and then it started to slip and slide downhill. I actually enjoyed the Halloween remake and I thought The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto was as hilarious as it was juvenile. It all started to go wrong with Halloween II (which I still gave a respectable 6/10). The Lords Of Salem is, without a doubt, his worst movie. The fact that it's so unoriginal isn't a problem. The other movies that he's done have all allowed Zombie to wear his influences on his sleeve. It's the fact that is so unoriginal without his own twist on the material, the fact that it's so visually inept and ugly and the fact that it's just inexcusably dull from start to finish. Zombie shows no progression whatsoever as an artist, and has actually gone backwards since his fantastic debut feature.

The story is all about a radio DJ named Heidi (Sheri Moon Zombie) who receives a record from a mystery band, simply calling themselves "the lords". When she plays the record she starts to feel funny, eventually experiencing strange visions that may be flashbacks to more violent time in Salem's dark history. Her colleagues (played by Jeff Daniel Phillips and Ken Foree) don't really notice anything unusual initially, but as things get worse they start to worry that Heidi has gone back to a drug habit after a long period of being clean. The one person who starts to piece things together is Francis Matthias (Bruce Davison), a bit of an expert in the local history. Unfortunately, Heidi is soon being "looked after" by three women (Judy Geeson, Dee Wallace and Patricia Quinn) and she seems to be heading towards some big trouble.

There are some individual, good moments in The Lords Of Salem. It's not an irredeemable disaster, and it's not something that I'll refuse to ever rewatch, but those overlooking the many major flaws to praise it as Rob Zombie's homage to Euro-horrors are setting a lot of future newcomers up for a big fall. Zombie himself described it (in this clip) "as if Ken Russell directed The Shining" and mentions Polanski as another influence. He's not actually far off the mark, but none of those filmmakers would have a transition quite as clumsy as the sequence that introduces Heidi's place of work and colleagues and treats the audience like hyperactive children. Frustratingly, he shows in some other shots that he can do much better. Some moments do have a nice, controlled approach to both the shot composition and camera movement, but it's usually not long until he slips back into his old habits.

A lot of detractors of the film, or Zombie in general, have been quick to criticise Sheri Moon Zombie in the lead role. She's not that bad. Indeed, none of the actors (many of whom are firm favourites among horror fans, surprise surprise) do a bad job. Geeson, Wallace and Quinn, in particular, provide the most fun and seem to attack their roles with relish. Meg Foster also appears in a small, but vital, role and Sid Haig and Michael Berryman put in cameo appearances.

The soundtrack is pretty good, with one or two standout tracks, and the quality of the sound design serves as a reminder that this is a film from a man who knows what he's doing by now (in terms of the basic technical aspects, at least).

I enjoyed a few scenes, I was impressed by one or two creepy moments and in the first half hour of the film I was hoping that it would improve and build to something truly memorable. That didn't happen. The fact that it all came so completely undone didn't make me angry, it just left me disappointed. Other people already gave up on Rob Zombie a few years ago, but I keep giving him one more chance. I know that he's capable of some great stuff. The Lords Of Salem sees him trying hard to refute that.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Lords-Salem-Sheri-Moon-Zombie/dp/B00BIODT0A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370338335&sr=8-1&keywords=the+lords+of+salem

The Orphan Killer (2011)

The internet has brought us all closer together in ways that could hardly have been imagined decades ago. With the help of blog chat, Twitter and, of course, Facebook I now have hundreds of friends I really do count as friends (having met them in person or not). I'm also in touch with lots of people I like, even if we're not close friends. People who keep things interesting, people who put themselves over well, people I like having in my ether-based social circle. Of course, a lot of those people have various projects that they are involved with and things get potentially awkward when our paths cross in a semi-professional capacity. I have to stay honest, without being rude (I hope), while the person who helped make whatever I am reviewing may like what I have to say or, indeed, loathe it. Matt Farnsworth is one of those people, and I had been aiming to see his movie, The Orphan Killer, for a long time. Unfortunately, I didn't like it.

The story is simple. David Backus plays the titular killer, a man determined to pursue and destroy his sister (Diane Foster) because when they were both orphaned at a young age she was adopted and he wasn't. That's really all there is to it. The Orphan Killer kills some people, wanders around, toys with his sister for quite some time and spouts lines of dialogue that make you think he really just wants to be adopted up by a passing gang of cenobites.

I'm not going to say that The Orphan Killer is unwatchable. If you love some extreme gore then there are a few moments here that are genuinely impressive in how nasty things get. The practical effects are fantastic and worthy of praise. In fact, even the mask worn by the killer is a fine piece of work. It's just a shame that nothing else in the movie matches these moments, leaving it as a film JUST for easily satisfied gorehounds.

Written and directed by Farnsworth, who also has a role in the film, there are too many amateur errors that pile up to make this a more difficult viewing experience than it should be. That's not to say that he can't/won't learn and do better with his next film, but I'm not going to "blow smoke up his ass" on this occasion.

First of all, the sound mix is awful. I don't know if there was a problem with my rental download, but the audio was so distorted that I had to lower the volume to a ridiculously low level just to make out what was being said. That didn't matter whenever some metal music was blaring on the soundtrack, which was for almost every minute of the movie (including an enjoyable cover version of "Cry Little Sister").

Then the geography of the movie was far too random and non-cohesive. The main setting was an abandoned area behind a church that had a dance studio/hall at the back and a few corridors that looked like a school. These MIGHT all be in the same building, but it always feels like there are three very different buildings being used with poor editing choices and a lack of unifying production design.

Third, we have the old problem of a killer able to murder-death-kill people in the blink of an eye then going on to take an absolute age when it comes to "the final girl". Seriously, this guy suddenly gets so chatty and stilted that he should consider returning as a James Bond villain. And a lot of the religious talk feels almost laughable, it's someone trying to add weightiness to a character that didn't even have to speak in the first place.

The acting from Backus and Foster is decent enough, and the cast also includes James McCaffrey, John Savage and Karen Young, but it's overwhelmed by the many other poor choices that add up to spoil the movie.

The central concept is a goodie, and the backstory is nicely laid out throughout the movie. I hope that Matt can rework some similar ideas into a future movie and really show his work at its best, but I fear that the people already praising this film too highly will stop that from happening.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/The-Orphan-Killer/dp/B00D4LTBUC/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1370504376&sr=8-4&keywords=the+orphan+killer

Amour (2012)

I can't apologise enough for not remembering who said this, but before seeing Amour I'd seen someone describe it as: "remember the first 5 minutes of Up? Well, imagine that for two hours."

That description is spot on, but it's also a little off-putting. I know that I had the rental disc sitting beside my player for almost a fortnight before I finally decided to stick it on and see whether or not I would be crying by the time the end credits rolled.

Amour is a simple character study, a sombre and sobering look at old age and the horrible tricks that mother nature can pull on people struggling to retain their independence and dignity. It IS moving, but it's also as unsentimental and powerful as you would expect a Heneke movie to be.

Jean-Louis Trintignant and Emmanuelle Riva (who received a deserved Oscar nomination for her fantastic performance) play, respectively, Georges and Anne, a married couple in their eighties. They have a nice life, a nice home and remain quite active, and they still have lots of love for each other. Unfortunately, Anne has an "episode" one day and ends up hospitalised. When she gets home again, some time later, she makes Georges promise her that hospitals won't figure in her future. She wants to stay at home, no matter what. Georges agrees, perhaps not quite aware of just how difficult things will get.

While the film also includes decent supporting turns from Isabelle Huppert, concert pianist Alexandre Tharaud, William Shimell and a few others, it feels very much like a two-hander between Trintignant and Riva. The two stars do a fantastic job from start to finish, even in the moments when the struggles become too much for them and they let out their frustration in regretful ways.

The script takes a back seat to the performances most of the time, but when it comes to the fore it contains some beautiful passages (mainly spoken by Trintignant, for whom it was written). This works in line with the cinematography and direction, which seems plain and uncluttered but shows occasional moments of beauty in even the bleaker sequences.

I've seen about three or four films from Michael Haneke, but I've loved all of them. I think that it's about time I tracked down his entire filmography and worked my way through it. After all, I'm not getting any younger.

8/10


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Amour-Blu-ray-Jean-Louis-Trintignant/dp/B00A2P503A/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1370330000&sr=8-2&keywords=amour

There's Nothing Out There (1991)

I've mentioned it a number of times, but it's sometimes worth starting a review by reiterating that I watch movies for a whole multitude of reasons. Sometimes I like the stars, sometimes I like the director, sometimes I like the fact that the title has the word "zombie" or "shark" in it and sometimes it's just the nearest one to hand. I watched There's Nothing Out There after some conversation that led to someone recommending I see it. Unfortunately, I can't remember the rest of the conversation or who actually made the recommendation. Whoever it was, thanks.

There's Nothing Out There is a film that a lot of people like to put forward as a major influence on the Scream movies. Although there were other movies that came along beforehand that would mock and/or play with the rules of the horror genre, it's hard to deny that There's Nothing Out There seems to have been a big influence on the post-modernism of Scream (which, let's not forget, followed on from some ideas also rooted in the fantastic New Nightmare).

A bunch of people go to spend some time in a cabin in the middle of the woods. Unfortunately, they are there at the same time as a carnivorous alien beastie. Fortunately, they also have one amongst their number (Mike, played by Craig Peck) who seems to have watched every horror movie ever made and knows how to maximise their chances of survival.

The big difference between There's Nothing Out There and Scream is the fact that the former actually points out the genre conventions while also revelling in throwing them around onscreen. They may also be subverted at times, but this is a film that mentions gratuitous nudity before actually adding plenty to the mix. The low budget means that the special effects and gore gags lack any real impact, but there's charm to spare in every major sequence.

The script and direction by Kanefsky, like everything else, is a bit clumsy and glaringly amateurish in places, as is the acting. That actually doesn't ruin the film though. Everything becomes quite endearing in the way that it all keeps doing whatever needs to be done in an attempt to entertain from start to finish.

Craig Peck may have the best role, but he's not carrying the film. That responsibility is shared by many others, among them Wendy Bednarz, Mark Collver, Bonnie Bowers, John Carhart III, Claudia Flores and Jeff Dachis. With the greatest of respect to the entire cast, I don't think that anyone went on to do anything else MAJOR in the film industry, but they can look back on this movie and be happy enough with the final result.

Don't expect anything polished or completely professional when you get around to seeing There's Nothing Out There and you may find it as amusing and surprisingly charming as I did.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Theres-Nothing-Two-Disc-Anniversary-Edition/dp/B003R9K0GU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370180055&sr=8-1&keywords=there%27s+nothing+out+there

And it's also available to watch, all free and legal, here on the fantastic Troma channel on YouTube - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHUFU2gU35I

Straight On Till Morning (1972)

This rather strange, and highly flawed, Hammer movie is all about a young woman, Brenda (Rita Tushingham), who heads to London in search of a man to give her a baby (??) and who ends up meeting beautiful Peter (Shane Briant). Their strange relationship looks like it may work out well for both of them but it also may just be a matter of time before things are revealed that Brenda will not be able to digest.

Directed by Peter Collinson and written by John Peacock, Straight On Till Morning has some interesting material hidden away amongst some terrible performances and amateurish presentation. Briant is actually quite good as the attractive, aloof Peter but Tushingham creeps into self-parody territory with her whining, fragile performance. Annie Ross fares a little better, playing a colleague/friend of Brenda, but ruins any goodwill earned by her godawful rendition of a godawful title song that pops up during the film.

The editing choices here are atrocious, and not for anyone who dislikes any movie that's cut to ribbons. This plays out like a student film, with images intercut that have little to no relevance to each other. Someone obviously thought this would be a better way to make an impact with the material and that it would impress cinema audiences enough to help them through the lame first half. It doesn't. It's the kind of pretentious nonsense easily spoofed and mocked by anyone wishing to urinate from a great height onto anything that can be classed, for better or worse, as "arty".

It's worth seeing if you like curios, and it has some interesting and bizarre little analogous stories contained within it (obviously, there are the Peter Pan references but there are also fairy tales concocted by the characters to explain facets of their own lives), but it could have been much better if put in more capable hands. As it is, fans of the bizarre will still find plenty to enjoy and fans of Hammer will want to view it as one of their more interesting releases.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Ultimate-Hammer-Collection-Disc/dp/B000HN31KQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370170749&sr=8-1&keywords=hammer+box+set

The Fresh Prince After Earth.

 

  Everybody sing along now. 

"Now this is a story all about how
My spaceship got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there
I'll tell you how I survived a crash in an atmosphere with no air.

With M. Night Shyamalan and my kid
I used a studio as a playground and hit the skids
Writing and producing and picking the cast
Hoping that audiences will remember hits from my past
But really this movie, it's quite simply no good
It won't run for long in the cinema in your neighborhood
It's got no decent fights and it won't leave you scared
It's a shame that even the director obviously didn't care.

As the opening weekend came nearer and nearer
Instead of fresh, Rotten Tomato critics made their disdain clearer
If anything I could say that this was an attack
On my kid, on me, on a director who's now a hack.

I pulled out of the limelight after the weekend was done
Well, me and Jaden had already had our fun
Looked at my kingdom I was finally there
My family was paid and I didn't have to care"

Death Proof (2007)

While it must be said that Death Proof is much better as part of the Grindhouse experience, where it appears in a truncated form, revisiting the movie wasn't as painful as I had anticipated. It remains the weakest film from writer-director Quentin Tarantino, to date, but it's also full of many delights for fans of this kind of entertaining "trash".

The plot is actually very slight. The movie follows two different groups of girls and shows what happens when they run into a very dangerous driver known as Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell, the highlight of the film). That's really all there is to it, with this plot providing Tarantino with the excuse he needs to set up some automotive carnage in the first half and a quite superb car chase during the grand finale.

The biggest problem that Death Proof has is the cast in the first half of the movie. Tarantino fills the film with his usual dialogue, but it's coming out of the mouths of young women who just aren't convincing as people who would be experienced and/or cool enough to have such tastes and conversations. Jordan Ladd, Vanessa Ferlito and Sydney Poitier may be lovely young women, but they're practically children compared to the characters normally delivering Tarantino soundbites. Rose McGowan is a saving grace, as is a lapdance sequence and a couple of choice music selections, but the rest of the first half is one big wasted opportunity when not putting Kurt Russell front and centre. Thankfully, things pick up enormously when the second group appears. Mary Elizabeth Winstead may play someone young and naive, but Rosario Dawson, Tracie Thoms and Zoe Bell all feel like adults with some experience of adult life.

The second-biggest problem that Death Proof has ties in with the first, it's the way in which Tarantino seems to be indulging himself. Of course, it could be argued that his best movies have stemmed from an urge to indulge himself, but this just takes it that bit further. The pacing is painfully slow at times, speeches serve little purpose except allowing the writer-director to relish his own dialogue and the casting is hit and miss because one or two people seem to be there for reasons other than their actual ability to act.

These problems, however, CAN be temporarily forgotten whenever Kurt Russell is reminding viewers of just how great he can be at becoming a full character or when cars are speeding along on tarmac. The finale of the movie keeps these two elements onscreen for an all-out, tyre-screeching, fender-bending car chase that feels like it could have come straight from the 1970s. Which means that the film is a partial success.

It still won't necessarily win you over entirely, but Death Proof is certainly a film worth revisiting at least once. Those car scenes, the pretty flawless soundtrack, some enjoyable dialogue exchanges and another top drawer performance from the one and only Mr. Russell end up ensuring that there's at least something to enjoy during its runtime.

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Death-Proof-Blu-ray/dp/B001L4I1XM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369753520&sr=8-1&keywords=death+proof+blu+ray

Or go for the full Grindhouse package with this - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Grindhouse-Collectors-Edition-Blu-ray/dp/B004C9MC9W/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370126861&sr=8-1&keywords=grindhouse+blu+ray

Basement Jack (2009)

There's a killer (Eric Peter-Kaiser) who attacks families during lightning storms and, guess what, he spends time hiding in the basement until the conditions are just right. His name is Jack. Hence the title of the movie: Basement Jack. He's been doing the same thing for years now and there's one girl he wants to catch up with, one potential victim who escaped his clutches. That girl is Karen Cook (Michele Morrow) and she is determined to do all she can to help the police catch the sick murderer. But what creates and motivates such an individual? Flashbacks showing his treatment at the hands of a very cruel mother (Lynn Lowry) provide the answer.

Basement Jack isn't a great movie, but there are a couple of famous horror genre faces to keep an eye out for and one or two moments that save it from being a complete waste of time. Director Michael Shelton and writer Brian Patrick O'Toole seem to think that they're doing something quirky and unique, but it just comes across as annoying in some places and highly derivative in others. The last 10-15 minutes, in particular, really disappoint and I only hope that they move in another direction for whatever they line up next instead of trying to create a sequel.

The cast are a mixed bunch. Peter-Kaiser doesn't have much to do beyond being "the boogeyman" so he's fine in that regard, Michele Morrow is okay as the leading lady and Lynn Lowry has a lot of fun playing one of the worst mothers I've ever seen. Sam Skoryna is pretty weak as Officer Chris Watts, but Nathan Bexton makes things better with his amusing, eccentric turn. And it's always good to see Tiffany Shepis in anything, no matter how big her role or how bad the rest of the movie is.

The budget wasn't that big and this was Michael Shelton's first time as director (though it wasn't the feature screenwriter's first time as a feature screenwriter) so there's certainly room for him to develop his craft and improve upon this rather flat debut. He shows that he knows the basics, but any horror movie now needs much more than just the basics to make a good impression in a constantly overcrowded field.

I'll end by saying that this is, oh yes, something only to be bought if found in a bargain basement.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Basement-Jack-DVD/dp/B0037Z95WE/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1361296761&sr=1-1

Near Dark (1987)

Near Dark is a revisionist vampire movie from director Kathryn Bigelow, who also co-wrote the script with Eric Red, that didn't really do as well as it should have upon its initial release for one main reason*. The Lost Boys. I have made peace with the fact that I love both movies, but back in 1987 it was The Lost Boys that had the mass appeal, that quickly wormed its way into the popular culture of that generation (thanks to the hot stars and the cracking soundtrack) and that ruled the box office roost. Thankfully, Near Dark never disappeared, thanks to a small, loyal fanbase that would continue to recommend the film to those who had missed it while being dazzled by Keifer Sutherland and Jason Patric.

A small, loyal fanbase, however, can only do so much for any movie. What ends up gaining a film a cult following is usually one thing, it's really quite a good film. Okay, there are also terrible films that gain cult followings so there are two things. The film has to either be really good or really bad. Near Dark is really good. REALLY good.

It starts off with a young man named Caleb (Adrian Pasdar) picking up a lovely young woman named Mae (Jenny Wright). Enjoying the company as he drives Mae home, Caleb then tries his luck for a kiss. He stops and won't go any further. Mae ends up biting Caleb, and then things get strange and dangerous as Caleb gets pulled into Mae's "family", a group of vampires who initially consider just killing Caleb but then decide to give him a chance. IF he makes his first kill within the allotted time limit then he will join them. If not, he'll be killed. Confused, ill, repulsed and worried, Caleb just wants to get home.

With an absolutely fantastic cast (many of whom helpfully taken from the cast of Aliens), a nice mix of vampire genre elements with some Western tropes and an aesthetic arguably unmatched by anything else in Kathryn Bigelow's impressive filmography, Near Dark is an easy film to recommend to horror fans after something that reeks of quality. A lush score from Tangerine Dream, and other musical treats such as a cover of "Fever" by The Cramps, as well as a script full of some fine one-liners makes this just as pleasurable for the ears as the eyes. The film takes its time in between the memorable set-pieces and there are one or two ideas that may not sit well with those who like things a bit more traditional, but neither of those things bothered me at all.

Pasdar and Wright are easy to like as the ill-fated lovers. Lance Henriksen and Jenette Goldstein are both at their best in their sorta-parental roles, Jesse and Diamondback, respectively. Bill Paxton puts his shit-eating grin (sorry, I can't think of a more appropriate phrase in this instance) to its best use as the obnoxious and dangerous Severen and young Joshua John Miller proves constantly fascinating as the young boy, Homer, with mood swings varying between a need for childish companionship and a thirst for blood. Tim Thomerson (who will always be Jack Deth to me and so many others) plays the concerned father of Caleb and Troy Evans has a very small role as an undercover policeman.

At the end of the day, this is the most important thing to remember: it's okay for you to own, and love, The Lost Boys. But you should really leave room on a shelf for Near Dark too.

9/10

*There WERE other reasons, but the simplistic approach suits my simple mind.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Near-Dark-Disc-Special-Edition/dp/B000KRNMQM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369771634&sr=8-1&keywords=near+dark