I'm not an idiot. I know it can seem as if I AM an idiot sometimes (through my words here and my historical cock-ups), but I assure you that I'm not. I have to emphasise that now, before fully reviewing a film that many may already assume should be avoided anyway. I watched the trailer for this while I was looking for something easy to watch, and it looked like it might fit the bill for me. I was well aware that the trailer would probably do what trailers are supposed to do, sell people on a movie that doesn't necessarily match the potential shown, but I still thought there might be enough to enjoy. Maybe I would discover a gem that I could then heartily recommend to others.
I didn't.
But let me start by describing what the trailer delivered. There is a murder mystery party on a train. A real murder occurs, with someone then also robbing the passengers. The train gets derailed, ending up in a body of water. The passengers who are still alive then have to fend off a creature that is living in the water. That sounds good, right? It might not sound like a classic, but I had hopes that it might be a passable creature feature.
The trailer didn't really misrepresent the film, but there were certain elements here that worked against the fun premise. First of all, what I thought was a fancy dress murder mystery party was actually a murder mystery party affected by some time-trickery from the writers and director. Second, the creature doesn't make a proper appearance until about 40 minutes in. Third, the very end of the film brings in an extra layer to the whole thing that will make most people roll their eyes so hard that they will see their own brainstems.
I should have remembered some of the names of the people involved here. Director Dale Fabrigar and writers Suzanne DeLaurentiis and Everette Wallin all worked together on Tape 407, which was a terrible "found footage" movie. Fabrigar is far from the worst person I have ever seen directing a film, but the writing, from both himself and his co-writers, leaves a lot to be desired. And it's always harder to cover up weak writing when you can't afford a cast good enough to lift the material.
Lance Henriksen may appear onscreen for a few lines, but he was obviously the biggest name that they could get for a few hours work. Nobody else really stands out, although Carter Scott (playing a main character named Evelyn) becomes a bit better as things start to go from bad to worse around her. I didn't mind Benny Mora (billed as Ben Hopkins) in the role of a would-be robber named Clyde, Tonya Kay tried to make the most of her brief screentime, playing a woman named Gigi, and I'll also mention Phil Young, who is credited as The Creature. While obviously hampered by the budget and resources, the creature at least has one or two moments when it looks surprisingly effective.
The fact that this isn't even close to being amongst the very worst movies I have ever seen just goes to show how many terrible movies I have watched in my square-eyed lifetime. D-Railed isn't a good film, but the people who made it at least tried to throw in one or two good ideas. And that's more than you can say for many low-budget horror movies that have ended up crowding one another out on various streaming services.
3/10
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