Bad Milo! (2013)

Bad Milo! is a lot of fun, I guess, but it's also yet another movie that seems to have been embraced by fans for reasons that I can't quite fathom. It's amusing, diverting stuff that benefits from solid performances, but *whisper it* it's not THAT good. Not really. Admit it. Or is it just me? Is it? Okay, maybe it's just me.

Ken Marino stars as Duncan, a man with a severe case of tummy trouble. As he gets more anxious and stressed he ends up spending more time on the toilet. It turns out that these bathroom visits are so strenuous, and leave him (sometimes waking up the next morning from the bathroom floor) so relieved, because he has a little creature living inside his body. A creature that pops out to deal with anyone who causes Duncan too much stress. And, with the people around him including a horrible boss (Patrick Warburton), a fairly inept work colleague or two and some interfering doctors, there's plenty to motivate Milo to come out of hiding.

Directed by Jacob Vaughan, who also co-wrote the movie with Benjamin Hayes, Bad Milo! simply ends up stumbling because it doesn't ever commit to any one approach to the material. While it's pretty heavily indebted to Basket Case it never embraces the craziness of the premise in the way that Henenlotter would. Of course, few people are as brilliantly barmy as Henenlotter, so if the film isn't quite as crazy as it could be then there are other ways in which it can impress. Sadly, it doesn't. The few gore gags are okay, but the rest of the humour is neither sharp or abundant enough to make this a really enjoyable experience.

The cast all do a good job, however, and Marino is particularly good in the lead role. Peter Stormare is the kindly doctor who tries to make Duncan and Milo develop a more harmonious relationship, Warburton puts in yet another great performance (the guy never really lets me down), Gillian Jacobs is Duncan's loving partner, Sarah, and there are good little supporting turns from Mary Kay Place, Kumail Nanjiani, Toby Huss, Steve Zissis and Stephen Root. And, despite my disappointment with the film, I have to admit that everyone involved does an admirable job of keeping a straight face.

If you're a fan of offbeat comedies or warped body horror fare then, judging by the reactions of others, you're likely to enjoy Bad Milo! a bit more than I did. I enjoyed it, and I wouldn't rule out giving it a rewatch one day, but I just didn't think it was anything great.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Bad-Milo-Blu-ray-Ken-Marino/dp/B00FYL087K/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1391375702&sr=8-3&keywords=bad+milo

Beyond The Rave (2008)

Remember when Hammer tried to take Dracula and place him into modern times? They tried their best, bless them, but the end results were poor, and seem much more dated today than any of their movies set in a yesteryear full of quaint villages, bustling taverns and aristocrats lording over local commoners. I mention those movies because this movie, from the reborn Hammer, suffers from, essentially, the same fate.

It's a vampire film, with the vampires all setting up a big rave to catch all of their victims. Among the potential victims are Ed (Jamie Dornan), a young man about to head off for active service in Iraq the next day, and his girlfriend, Jen (Nora-Jane Noone). There are also some hard gangster types (led by movie bruiser Tamer Hassan) about to get way out of their depth.

Originally released as a series of webisodes, Beyond The Rave never shakes off the feeling that it's a number of scenes stitched together with very little thought given to the overall storyline. The fact that the movie still contains the episode numbering, appearing every few minutes, doesn't help, but there's also a real lack of logic throughout, a few characters who appear and disappear at random, and a third act that's very hard to care about, thanks to the mix of derivative moments and sheer stupidity.

The acting isn't that great, although anyone expecting Tamer Hassan to do anything other than act tough and spit out expletives really shouldn't be looking in this direction anyway, but it's far from the worst aspect. Dornan and Noone make for decent leads, Matthew Forrest is likable enough as Necro, their friend, and Sebastian Knapp is stuck portraying his vampire character in the bored, moping style. Sadie Frost has a cameo, but makes a great impression with her memorable scene, Steve Sweeney is okay as one of the other hard men tagging along with Hassan, and the rest of the cast simply pop in and out of the screen without making much of an impression.

Viewers will be unsurprised to find out that director Matthias Hoene followed this up with (the much more enjoyable) Cockneys Vs. Zombies. Thankfully, with that movie he had a much better script. Writers Jon Wright and Tom Grass really drop the ball here, apparently just content to rip off the opening sequence of Blade and fill out the rest of the movie with random moments that obviously seemed a good idea while they were struggling to stretch their weak material to feature length. Prime example, an old vampire who spends his time getting stoned and talking to ravers who bump into him in the woods could end up interesting or laughable, but instead just ends up being another diversion. If his character had a decent resolution then I must have blinked and missed it. As far as I'm aware, he just disappeared after his two main scenes.

There are some decent tunes in the soundtrack, some sexy female vamps, a few decent bits of gore, and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . well, actually, that's about it. It's not quite among the very worst vampire movies out there, because there are a lot of cheap vampire movies that are SO bad, but it's not really worth your time either.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Beyond-Rave-DVD-Jamie-Dornan/dp/B003OUV1K6/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1393891671&sr=1-1&keywords=beyond+the+rave

Pervirella (1997)

Pervirella, like many other movies, is something that I can't help liking in spite of just how many huge flaws it has. It's a daft film, it was made for a budget that clearly wouldn't pay for one day on any blockbuster film set, and it's pretty crude, in terms of the technical stuff and the onscreen content. But it has Emily Booth as the titular character, and a supporting role for Eileen Daly. And there also happens to be a fair bit of gratuitous nudity.

The basic story concerns an evil Queen Victoria (Sexton Ming), the lovely Pervirella (Emily Booth, billed as Emily Bouffante), and an underground movement called The Cult Of Perv. Pervirella is a sweet girl, but she's a dangerous nymphomaniac whenever a protective necklace is removed from her person - something that comes in quite handy as she joins some explorers on a quest for some magical elixir and to meet some other people who like to shed their clothes as often as possible.

Directed by Alex Chandon and Josh Collins, who also wrote the movie (with additional material by Jason Slater and Nico Rilla), this is an enjoyable pastiche for those who fondly remember the wide variety of movies that came from the UK in the '60s and '70s. Familiar studios (Hammer and Amicus being the main two) provide the main adventuring element, while a number of sex comedies from the past provide the sauce that covers every scene. Love it or loathe it, it's a film stitched together to make a very British patchwork.

Emily Booth is the main draw here, and does just fine in her role. She's not asked to deliver any lengthy speeches, or to emote in any way that isn't completely over the top, but she's asked to go along with the ridiculous material, act very naive, and not worry about the many times in which she loses some of her clothing. And, in that regard, she's a great success. Ron Drand is okay as Professor Rumphole Pump, a classic British adventurer type, Sexton Ming is amusing as the evil Queen, Eileen Daly is a welcome presence, as always, and David Warbeck is very funny as the smooth and heroic Amicus Reilly. Fans of UK comedy/TV will be able to point and laugh at VERY brief cameos from Mark Lamarr and Jonathan Ross.

If you want something that feels like a proper movie then you should give this a miss, but if you're a fan of the movies that Chandon and Collins throw into their bubbling caldron then you might end up having some fun. Pervirella is a labour of love. It uses a mix of model work, some of it good and some of it intentionally, and hilariously, obvious, it uses plenty of cheap tricks to realise each sequence, and it slips some T & A into proceedings every 10 minutes or so. So it's no surprise that I like it.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Pervirella-DVD-Emily-Booth/dp/B00005TRZJ/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1393867500&sr=1-1&keywords=pervirella

The Man Who Could Cheat Death (1959)

A solid, if unspectacular, Hammer movie, The Man Who Could Cheat Death feels, in many ways, like a forerunner to the far superior Dr Jekyll & Sister Hyde. There's the lead character who turns out to be a bit of a dabbling scientist, a potentially disastrous romance, and a bit of biological tinkering that leads to the death of numerous innocent women.

Anton Diffring plays the titular character. He also happens to be a celebrated artist, and travels around quite a lot. This is due to the fact that he's managed to stay surprisingly youthful for far longer than the laws of nature would dictate. He has help from Dr. Ludwig Weiss (Arnold Marle), but the main plan for the upcoming procedure needed to rejuvenate him involves Dr. Pierre Gerard (Christopher Lee). And if Dr. Gerrard doesn't play along then maybe the innocent Janine Du Bois (Hazel Court) can be used to persuade him.

Written by Jimmy Sangster, based on a play by Barré Lyndon, and directed by Terence Fisher, this is an enjoyable chiller with some great character interactions and one or two fine set-pieces. Unfortunately, it just doesn't do enough to make it memorable, even though it's not actually a BAD film.

Diffring is fine, but fans will always wonder what Peter Cushing (the first choice) would have done with the role, especially acting opposite Christopher Lee once more. And Lee is very good, in a non-villainous role. Marle is very enjoyable, and gets to deliver some great dialogue, while Court is suitably lovely. Francis De Wolff plays Inspector Legris, a man who sense that something is very wrong, but can't quite place his finger on the unbelievable truth.

It's unfair, perhaps, to say that having Cushing in the lead role would have been enough to elevate the whole movie, but it's also something that I can't quite stop considering. This is a film built around a few central characters discussing morality and mortality, and few actors could deliver any such lines better than Cushing.
As it is, The Man Who Could Cheat Death is still watchable. It's just not anything great.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Could-Cheat-Death-Skull-Blu-ray/dp/B004W6JJXC/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1393854644&sr=8-2&keywords=the+man+who+could+cheat+death

The Invisible Man (1933)

 "We'll begin with a reign of terror, a few murders here and there, murders of great men, murders of little men, just to show we make no distinction." 

James Whale was quite a talent. Horror fans should already know that, of course, but it's worth repeating until everyone, young and old, takes the time to explore his filmography and remember just how great a director he was. Arguably best known for Frankenstein and Bride Of Frankenstein, he also gave cinema fans at least two other movies that many consider classics, one being The Old Dark House and the other being this, a movie adaptation of the H. G. Wells tale.

Claude Rains plays the titular character (although his face remains unseen for the majority of the movie, of course), a man who becomes invisible after using a serum that he doesn't realise will also drive him insane. Quickly becoming drunk on the power, he starts to terrorise the entire country, throttling some people, causing a train to crash, and generally being really quite spiteful and dangerous just because he can get away with it. There are some people who still think that he can be saved (Dr. Cranley, played by Henry Travers, and his daughter, played by Gloria Stuart) but the standard reaction is fear, a reaction which leads Dr. Kemp (William Harrigan) to betray the invisible man, which is a huge mistake.

"Power, I said! Power to walk into the gold vaults of the nations, into the secrets of kings, into the Holy of Holies; power to make multitudes run squealing in terror at the touch of my little invisible finger. Even the moon's frightened of me, frightened to death!" 

With a final screenplay by R. C. Sherriff, after the many treatments attempted by other writers, and that direction from Whale, this is a perfect blend of black comedy, wonderful special effects (that still hold up to this day), tense moments and some wanton violence.

Rains, despite really only being judged on a vocal performance for a lot of the runtime, is superb in the main role. He really does convey lunacy and menace with almost every line uttered, especially in the second half of the movie. Travers, Stuart and Harrigan are all decent, as is Holmes Herbert in his role as Chief Of Police.

The Invisible Man, like a number of the classics from the '30s and '40s, feels just as fresh and entertaining today as it did decades and decades ago. I hold my hands up as a fan of most films featuring invisibility (including the daffy and enjoyable Hollow Man), but this remains the very best of the lot. Easily.

9/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Universal-Classic-Monsters-Essential-Collection/dp/B008H45YSO/ref=sr_1_17?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1392843164&sr=1-17&keywords=the+invisible+man

Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988)

AKA The Imp.

I know that Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is pretty awful, I really do. I shouldn't enjoy it as much as I do. Most sane people would give this a low rating and warn other people to stay well away from it. Well, I'm not sane and part of me will always love this bonkers film, due in no small part to some great '80s scream queens.

The plot is laughable, but I'll describe it anyway. A bunch of boys and girls end up in a bowling alley at night. It's one of those initiation type of deals, all being overseen by the sadistic Babs (Robin Stille). The whole night soon becomes a fight for survival, however, when a bowling trophy is knocked over that releases a mischievous imp. The imp pretends to grant wishes, but all it really wants to do is collect some souls and cause some havoc.

I'm not going to pretend that I enjoyed the script by Sergei Hasenecz, which is full of horrible one-liners and generally risible dialogue, but it does have its tongue in cheek throughout, which is a big plus. Some of the laughs may be unintentional, but a lot of them are deliberate. Well, I like to think so.

The direction by David DeCoteau is fine for the material. He's not going to be troubling Scorsese any time soon, but he gets from one scene to the next with the camera pointing in the right direction, the set having just enough light to make out everything (just), and an attempt to keep things moving briskly enough that the complete lack of logic doesn't sink the whole thing.

Andras Jones gets the lead male role, and he's lucky enough to get plenty of screentime with the lovely Linnea Quigley, playing a thief who ends up caught up in the whole imp-centric scenario. As if that wasn't enough onscreen goodness, male horror fans also get to enjoy the presence of Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens, with the former particularly memorable when affected by the dark magic of the imp. There are other people in the movie, including Hal Havins, Kathi O'Brecht, John Stuart Wildman and Carla Baron, but it's Quigley and Bauer who make the biggest impression. Oh, not including the legendary George 'Buck' Flower, who has a few amusing scenes as the janitor, and one person who knows the background of the imp.

I expect most people to either dislike this one or just dismiss it, but I'll always have a place for it in my schlock-loving heart.

7/10

http://www.amazon.com/Sorority-Babes-Slimeball-Bowl-O-Rama/dp/B00ARWWUYA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1392384661&sr=8-1&keywords=sorority+babes+in+the+slimeball+bowl-o-rama

Oscar 2014 Predictions.

Yep, I'll be brave and put up my choices.

Best Film:
12 Years A Slave - reviewed here.

Best Actor:
Matthew Mcconaughey - for Dallas Buyers Club, which is reviewed here.

Best Actress:
Amy Adams - for American Hustle, which is reviewed here.

Best Director:
Alfonso Cuaron - for Gravity, which is reviewed here.

Best Foreign Language Film:
The Great Beauty

Best Performance By An Actress In A Supporting Role:
Lupita Nyong'o - for 12 Years A Slave.

Best Performance By An Actor In A Supporting Role:
Michael Fassbender  - for 12 Years A Slave.

Her for best original screenplay and The Wolf Of Wall Street for best adapted screenplay (though Philomena, which I saw today, IS great). And then it's Frozen for best animated feature.

A worthy Oscar tome is available here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/85-Years-Oscar-Robert-Osborne/dp/0789211424/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393628675&sr=1-1&keywords=oscars

The Burning (1981)

Developed by the Weinstein brothers (Harvey helped to come up with the story while Bob wrote the screenplay with Peter Lawrence), The Burning is, arguably, the most beloved of the many slashers that immediately began to flood the market in the 1980s after the success of Friday The 13th, which was itself created due to the success of Halloween.

It all starts, as so many slashers do, with a prank that goes horribly wrong. A mean caretaker, named Cropsy, is badly burned by some kids who just wanted their revenge for him spoiling their time at summer camp. Fast forward a few years and it's all fun and frolics with a bunch of horny teenagers at some other summer camp. But some musical cues and POV camerawork let viewers know that Cropsy is hanging around. And he's not happy.

With some interesting music provided by Rick Wakeman, great special effects by Tom Savini, and THAT fantastic set-piece, it's certainly easy to see why The Burning lingers in the memory long after the end credits have rolled. Of course, that doesn't mean that everyone will love it.

It's simplistic stuff, directed with little flair by Tony Maylam, but it's effective, both for what it shows onscreen and what it often implies, thanks to the famous slasher flick that it most closely resembles.

Brian Matthews and Leah Ayres are acceptable, if slightly bland, leads and Brian Backer tries his best, despite his character - the youngster who doesn't make friends easily - being just a bit too sullen to gain any sympathy. Larry Joshua plays one of the nicer bullies that this subgenre has given us, understandably smitten with Carrick Glenn, but the most fun for modern audiences is in seeing the few stars who appear here before becoming much more famous a few years down the line. Holly Hunter has a small role, Fisher Stevens is memorable and Jason Alexander is like a smaller version of the Jason Alexander that we've all come to know and love over the years. It's good to know that he was always ready and able to be a smartass when the situation needed it.

If you're looking for something fresh and complex then look elsewhere. In fact, if that's the case then most entries in the slasher subgenre probably aren't for you. But if you're looking for a film that throws together a bunch of kids and camp counselors, setting them up to be killed by a memorable madman, then this is as good a choice as any. Indeed, it's one that you kind of have to check off "the list" if you're a fan of the horror genre, in my opinion.

8/10

http://www.amazon.com/Burning-Collectors-Edition-BluRay-Blu-ray/dp/B00BCMSY80/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1392384419&sr=8-1&keywords=the+burning

Side By Side (2012)

A documentary that looks at the current choice being made by film-makers to either shoot traditionally or move towards digital, Side By Side contains some nice pieces of information, but is mostly a chance to hear a variety of directors talk about their approaches to film-making and their passion for whichever format they choose.

Keanu Reeves is the constant element here, conducting interviews with directors and people who work in other areas of the film business. The list of names includes, but isn't limited to, Martin Scorsese, James Cameron, David Fincher, Danny Boyle, Steven Soderbergh, Robert Rodriguez, George Lucas, David Lynch, Christopher Nolan, Greta Gerwig and Joel Schumacher.

Directed by Christopher Kenneally, who also wrote the linking narration, this isn't a documentary to win anyone over, and it's not full of surprises. If you like the feel and look of actual FILM then you'll feel that you've been proven right in your choice as the end credits roll. But so will anyone who likes the options provided by filming digitally. And if you can't already guess what side of the fence James Cameron and George Lucas fall on then you've never seen a James Cameron or George Lucas film lately. The two men end up being two of the duller subjects interviewed, funnily enough, with Lucas being almost laughable in his passion to convert everyone to the world of digital.

The greater fun here comes from people either putting up a great variety of reasons for their choices, with Rodriguez being just as passionate about digital as Cameron or Lucas but putting forward his argument in a much more practical manner, or from listening to people who can state their own personal preference while also looking at the bigger picture and the pros and cons of each method.

A film for film lovers (on any format), Side By Side is a pleasant, civilised debate that serves to remind people of just how much blood, sweat and tears went into creating the movies that are now beloved classics. When remembering all of those movie memories, the main argument becomes a lot less significant, but no less interesting. Well, that's how I felt as I smiled throughout the whole thing.

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Side-By-DVD-Keanu-Reeves/dp/B00B74R3CQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1390658737&sr=8-1&keywords=side+by+side

China O'Brien (1990)

Taking an action movie standard - that of the reluctant hero who heads home after a bad time and finds that corruption has started to hurt everyone and everything, and there's some cleaning up to do - and then putting Cynthia Rothrock in the lead role, China O'Brien is obviously nothing more than a star vehicle for the kickass leading lady.

Rothrock plays the titular character, a police officer who decides that it's time to quit the force and head back home after she shoots some punk kid in the face, or somewhere else that kills him. When she gets home she finds that . . . . . . . . . . . well, didn't you JUST read that paragraph above? Yep, China decides that she wants to help her beleaguered father (played by David Blackwell) to clean up the town, and loosen the grip that dastardly businessman Sommers (Steven Kerby) has on everything. And cleaning up requires punching and kicking people, of course. She is offered some help by an old flame named Matt (Richard Norton) and a young man out for revenge (Dakota, played by Keith Cooke).

Directed by Robert Clouse, who developed the script from the premise by Sandra Weintraub (but let's not dwell on the writing side of things just now), this is competent stuff for easily pleased action fans. It's not overly concerned with great dialogue or subtle characterisations, the villains are obviously villainous as soon as they appear onscreen and any spoken words are just being thrown around to link from one fight to the next. It's not the most action-packed movie, and the fights are far from the best that you'll see, but it's fun for those who can laugh at the lamer moments and then still enjoy the choreographed punching and kicking.

Rothrock isn't the best actress, but the same can be said of a number of action stars. She does have decent presence, however, and she pulls off some great moves in the fights. Norton and Cooke give her decent support, with both proving themselves just as capable in the martial arts stakes. The actors playing the baddies, I won't name them all just in case any viewers are surprised by the "plot twists", all look suitably pissed at the lead character. Job done.

One for easygoing action movie fans, or even fans of the leading lady, China O'Brien isn't unmissable, by any means, but it manages to stay just above average from start to finish.

6/10

Both China O'Brien movies are available on YouTube, but there's this double pack, with French subtitles that you can't turn off. Feel free to comment with any better options - http://www.amazon.co.uk/China-OBrien-II-Two/dp/B005W7XSGY/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1391776224&sr=1-1&keywords=china+o%27brien

Hell Baby (2013)

A horror comedy written by, directed by, and starring Robert Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon, Hell Baby is a fairly amusing movie that could have been improved by two things. One, a better cast. Two, some sharper gags.

Rob Corddry and Leslie Bibb are the couple who move into a home that has seen a lot of bad stuff, to put it mildly, within its walls. Bibb is quite heavily pregnant, and the parents-to-be hope to fill the place with good vibes and start making a rosy future. Keegan-Michael Key plays a man who keeps popping up to remind them of how unlikely that is, while two priests (Garant and Lennon) start down a trail that may well lead them to the very same house. Well, okay, it's obvious that it will. This isn't a mystery. It's obvious almost from the very beginning that the pregnancy is far from a normal one, which makes it just a matter of time until the priests get there and try to defeat any evil forces in the third act.

With a cast that also includes Riki Londhome and Michael Ian Black, this certainly has enough comic talent in front of the camera to help make the ridiculousness more palatable, but it's just a shame that there weren't a few more well-known names in the mix. The film doesn't actually have too many characters, which is a shame, because an extra cameo or two might have been enough to make this that bit more enjoyable. Bibb and Corddry are fun leads, Garant and Lennon work well together, and Key does well enough with a character that could have easily been far too grating.

But the biggest problem that the movie has is over-indulgence. I laughed quite a few times, but there were just as many occasions that started with me laughing and ended with me just wishing that everything had been wrapped up a bit quicker.

There are some easy jump "scares" here and some good gore, mixing with the easy laughs to result in something that defies the odds to become a surprisingly decent horror comedy at times. Unfortunately, it's all undone by a finale that ditches any semblance of intelligence for an overlong and unfunny riff on pass the parcel.

If you like the people involved then you'll like Hell Baby. It's fun. It's just a shame that Garant and Lennon didn't try a bit harder to tighten everything up and pack a bit more in to each act. And it's a great shame that they didn't seem to put any effort at all into thinking up a decent finale.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Hell-Baby-Blu-Ray-Leslie-Bibb/dp/B00EP2SN62/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1390658933&sr=8-2&keywords=hell+baby

Captain Clegg AKA Night Creatures (1962)

Captain Clegg was a notorious pirate, hunted down by the King's men (led by Patrick Allen) and killed by hanging. His body was then buried in the grounds of a church in a small coastal town. But his spirit lives on. When the King's men visit the town, looking for alcohol that has been smuggled in from France, the locals are seen to be a cunning group that Clegg would be proud of. Even the local reverend (Peter Cushing) is in on the act. In fact, he's pretty much leading the sneaky revolt. With rumours of creatures in the surrounding marshlands scaring people to death, the town soon becomes quite a claustrophobic hotbed of paranoia, fear and anger.

Written by Anthony Hinds, with some help from a tale by Russell Thorndike (and extra dialogue by Barbara S. Harper), Captain Clegg is up there with the very best Hammer movies. Mixing in some wonderful, atmospheric moments with many scenes that feature some of the best Hammer actors doing some of their best work, this may not be an outright horror movie, but it retains that quintessential Hammer feel.

Director Peter Graham Scott handles everything well, helped by the great design work, the cinematography by Arthur Grant, and that glorious cast.

Cushing is always worth watching, of course, but this role is such a delight that it's one of my new favourites from his filmography. Allen isn't a match for the master, but he holds himself with dignity as he and his men are constantly given the runaround by the locals. A handsome Oliver Reed does well, and is matched nicely to a gorgeous Yvonne Romain for one story strand. Martin Benson and Derek Francis both do fine in their smaller roles, but the undeniable highlight for fans is seeing Michael Ripper having so much fun in what may be his best role.

If, like me, you have made the mistake of not seeing this movie yet then rectify the situation immediately. You won't regret it.

9/10

http://www.amazon.com/Werewolf-Paranoiac-Nightmare-Creatures-Frankenstein/dp/B0009X770O/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1392407449&sr=1-1&keywords=captain+clegg

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower (2012)

Written and directed by Stephen Chbosky, adapting his own novel, The Perks Of Being A Wallflower is a good film with moments of greatness, helped enormously by a winning central performance from Logan Lerman as the main character. The fact that it ends up not as good as it could be stems from some tired cliches of quirkiness being trotted out, and also from one or two complete mis-steps (like having the cool kids who love cool music not be able to recognise the song "Heroes" by David Bowie - watch the film and you'll probably have the same expression of puzzlement and disdain that I had during that moment).

Lerman plays Charlie, a sensitive young man who doesn't really fit in with those around him at school. He enjoys reading and writing, and quickly finds out that he'll at least really enjoy listening to his new English teacher (Paul Rudd). He's also had some mental health problems, but whatever caused them is obviously going to be held back for viewers to discover as the movie builds to its finale. Anyway, Charlie starts to enjoy life a LOT more when he befriends Patrick (Ezra Miller) and Sam (Emma Watson). That also leads to him becoming friends with a few of their friends, and it soon gets easier for Charlie to keep the good days outnumbering the bad days. But the situation probably can't stay so stable, especially when Charlie has such strong feelings for Sam.

Chbosky does fine with the structuring and feel of the movie. There are details teased out as things build up to the climax, and there's fine line between the comedy and the dark tension always running underneath it. He's helped by a good cast, but few of the supporting actors are as good as Lerman. Watson tries hard, and I suppose does a pretty good job, but I just can't accept her as the sexy, cool, free spirit that she's portraying here because, well, I've never found her sexy or cool. She may be both of those things, and I know that she's certainly the former to some people, but she doesn't ever seem that way to me, therefore her character is bearable but unconvincing. Miller does a lot better, but his character is another cliche, alongside Watson's quirky object of desire. Miller is the exuberant gay male, spreading around enough love for everyone while hiding a lot of his personal pain deep inside. Mae Whitman is great for almost every moment that she's onscreen, Johnny Simmons adds another good turn to his CV, and Dylan McDermott and Kate Walsh play Charlie's parents, the two may not have much screentime but still do well with what they're given. And horror fans will be delighted by the small role that Tom Savini has in the movie.


There's nothing new here, and that may be the biggest problem that The Perks Of Being A Wallflower has, but a lot of what IS here is done well, and I can't praise that central turn from Lerman enough. But, honestly, the other big problem is . . . . . . . . . what kind of cool kids don't recognise a great David Bowie song when they hear one?

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Perks-Being-Wallflower-Blu-ray/dp/B008OQ037W/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1391897925&sr=8-4&keywords=the+perks+of+being+a+wallflower

Savage Streets (1984)

Linda Blair gets to be tough and sexy in this wild exploitation flick that's one of the more memorable entries in the rape 'n' revenge subgenre. Well, she tries to be tough and sexy. The fact that she can't quite manage to convey any real toughness is one of the many failings that works, somewhat perversely, to make this film more endearing and enjoyable than it has any right to be.

Blair plays Brenda, the top dog in her group of gal pals. She doesn't care about anything, except for her deaf sister, Heather (Linnea Quigley). She certainly doesn't care about the local gang of tough guys who try to occasionally pester her, and she shows that lack of care by taking their car for a joyride. Understandably irked by this lack of respect, the gang decides to get revenge in the only way they see fit. Yes, they rape Heather and land her in hospital with very serious injuries. That leads Brenda to snap. If people thought she was a badass before then they'll rethink that when they see just how badass she can be. In theory.

There's some nasty stuff on display here. For an exploitation film, a gritty revenge movie, this occasionally delivers the sordid content required. The rape scene is a particularly tough sequence to watch, yet it's clumsily juxtaposed with a gratuitous fight scene in a shower room that features Blair and Rebecca Perle as the centre of attention. This highlights the fact that Blair's character wasn't there when needed most by her sister, but it's obviously not done JUST for that reason.

Director Danny Steinmann (who also co-wrote the screenplay with Norman Yonemoto) follows the standard template for this kind of movie. Characters are introduced, with the villains clearly marked out as villains, and confrontations occur, leading to acts of violence that escalate, all the way to a finale that lets everyone go way over the line to get their own bit of justice.

Unfortunately, the whole thing is let down by some horrible dialogue, and some horrible acting from Blair. To look tough and/or sexy, Linda Blair obviously thought that she could act everything out by widening and narrowing her eyes, and smoking cigarettes. Oh, she's also given some swearwords, of course. But that's her whole performance. Robert Dryer, Johnny Venocur, Sal Landi and Scott Mayer are much better as the bunch of baddies, Quigley is very good in one of her first feature roles (as opposed to roles such as "Blonde In Spa" or "Model"), the other girls onscreen don't do too badly, and John Vernon gets to play the most hilariously inappropriate Principal in the history of cinema. The fact that he tells someone to "go fuck an iceberg" is the cherry on top.

If you like this subgenre then you'll like Savage Streets. If you don't then, well, maybe you'll still find something to enjoy here. It veers between the grimy and the hilarious in a way that creates a surprisingly enjoyable end product, although you may find yourself viewing it more as a comedy than a straight thriller.

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Savage-Streets-DVD-Linda-Blair/dp/B004TJWGUK/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1390837151&sr=8-2&keywords=savage+streets

G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)

G.I. Joe: Retaliation is the film that most people expected G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra to be. It's brainless, full of characters that it's hard to care about, and full of action sequences that are hard to watch due to the hectic over-editing. Of course, some people are already saying "but Kevin, that's exactly THE SAME as the first movie." Well, I disagree. I thought the first film was a blast. This, however, is a big disappointment.

Channing Tatum may pop up at the start of this movie, but it's not long before he's sidelined in favour of a new bunch of Joes, with the main one being Dwayne Johnson. There's been a mission to wipe out the unit, allowing the President Of The United States (Jonathan Pryce, playing a fake version of himself due to the events of the first movie) to move on with his dastardly plan, a plan that may leave a lot of countries seriously damaged by Project Zeus, which can cause all of the destruction of a nuclear blast without any of the fallout.

Leading man Johnson is accompanied on this adventure by Adrianne Palicki and D. J. Cotrona, two attractive people to appeal to any teenagers watching the movie. Unfortunately, neither of them have much screen presence. Thankfully, Lee Byung-hun returns in the role of Storm Shadow, Pryce is having a blast and Ray Stevenson gives a performance that, for all its faults, is at least fun and never dull. Walton Goggins is great in a small role, and RZA fans may enjoy his turn as Blind Master. The addition of Bruce Willis in a small role was, I guess, a big coup, but the character that he plays, and how he plays it, just ends up feeling smug, which is becoming a bigger and bigger problem with anything that Willis has been doing over the past few years.

The script by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick is disappointing, with the humour feeling a lot more forced this time around, the plot never having any real sense of urgency (the whole thing feels like viewers are killing time until the good guys blow up some more stuff and win), and everything just feeling distinctly . . . . blah.

Director Jon M. Chu does nothing to help the situation, of course. He still has some good material to work with, in the shape of main characters such as Storm Shadow, Snake Eyes, Roadblock and Firefly, but he very rarely uses them well. A fight sequence involving Snake Eyes (Ray Park in the suit once again, returning from the first movie) and Jinx (Elodie Yung) against a number of soldiers on the side of a mountain looks nice enough, but is completely undone by just how far-fetched it all is. Yes, this kind of stuff IS allowed to be far-fetched, but it's still grounded in a real version of our world, even if it's a heightened reality.

I'm sure there will be some people who will like this film as much as the first movie, or maybe even more so. My advice is to give it a wide berth. It has some good moments, but doesn't make for a satisfying experience, overall.

4/10

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G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009)

If you go into this movie and don't realise what you're going to get then you deserve everything coming to you, even if that's a real downer for you. This is a movie based on a series of toys (G.I. Joe being the original, American version of our very own Action Man action figures here in the UK) and directed by a man (Stephen Sommers) well-known for providing spectacle over substance.

I can happily admit to enjoying many Stephen Sommers movies (even the majorly drubbed Van Helsing) so I already had an idea that I was going to like the G.I. Joe film. As things began, and it hits the ground running, I was proved very much correct.

The story is pretty much summed up in the title, but I'll give the very briefest recap here. Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans play two soldiers who are tasked with carrying some dangerous warheads from A to B. When their convoy is attacked, they meet a team from the G.I. Joe program. One thing leads to another and the two men decide that they want a piece of that action. People fight each other, backstories are dripfed throughout the movie in flashbacks, and there's a chase sequence through Paris that's up there with the very best of modern popcorn entertainment.

The cast all do their jobs. Dennis Quaid is great as a tough-talking, caring leader, Christopher Eccleston is good enough in his role (he created the warheads) and the others all do just fine at portraying . . . . action figures on screen. Tatum continues to be likable while scowling and looking tough, Wayans is a lot less annoying here than he usually is in any other movie and Arnold Vosloo does a very passable Arnold Vosloo impression (see pretty much every other Arnold Vosloo role ever . . . . . and don't think I'm demeaning him, I love his work). There are more tough men onscreen, portrayed by the likes of Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Ray Park and Lee Byung-hun, and then some tough female characters portrayed by Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jonathan Pryce and some other famous faces (Brendan Fraser has a fun cameo) pop up to flesh out the cast, and everyone is good enough to almost make you forget it's going to be brainless, loud fun.

Then we get to the amazing, razzle dazzle, fireworks experience, and boy does it deliver in that department. Things are a little bit slow and generic in the first half of the movie (quick character sketches, training montage, the mission briefing, etc. all present and correct) but from the start of that aforementioned sequence in Paris things step up to another level. It's fast and furious, it's loud and proud, it's delirious fun for those who don't mind seeing some obvious computerised images amongst some great, adrenaline-pumping action moments.

Mixing the essence of the action figures (keep an eye out for all of the little details that crop up throughout) with a number of elements that wouldn't look out of place in any James Bond movie, this is one of my favourite American action movies from the past few years.

8/10

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Zombie Ass: The Toilet Of The Dead (2011)

I don't often specify the country of origin of the many movies that I review here because I don't think it makes much of a difference to those seeking out good movies. Of course, there can be major differences between films from the UK, films from the USA, films from Japan, films from Australia, and so on and so forth. But whether a film is subtitled, or black and white, or full of material harvested from the culture of its country of origin, the only thing that matters is whether or not it's any good.

Zombie Ass: The Toilet Of The Dead is from Japan, and I feel it's necessary to point that out because it's a bad movie, and a lot of what makes it bad comes from the humour, slightly fetishised moments, and that real over the top madness that features in a lot of Japanese cinema of the bizarre. Like tentacles poking at various orifices, because that happens too. And, as the word ass is in the title, there are also lots of shots that focus on female posteriors. There's also, let's not beat about the bush here, a lot of shit onscreen. Literally.

The plot concerns some parasites that invade people and make them fart a lot before turning them into zombies with dangerous backsides. Oh, believe me, I know how preposterous that sounds. I was only a few minutes into the movie before I realised that I may have made a major mistake. Such is my lot in life, however, and I soldiered on to the bitter end.

While it may only run for about 85 minutes, this feels like a much longer film. That's down to the fact that this is, basically, a one-joke sketch stretched out to feature length by director Noboru Iguchi (and you'll be unsurprised to hear that he did the "F" segment in The ABCs Of Death too). It boggles the mind that it took three or four people to come up with this story/script.

Leading lady Arisa Nakamura is quite sweet and easy to like, and she shares the screen for most of the movie with Mayu Sugano and Asana Mamoru, a trio of cute females to be splattered with stinky stuff and terrorised throughout the movie. There are also some fun performances from Kentaro Kishi and Kentaro Shimazu, but the film often sidelines the movie in favour of more time with the ladies.

There ARE a few good moments of extreme gore, for fans of splatter, but it's surrounded by too much insanity involving stomach cramps, flatulence and lots of shit. It made me gag, and I would hate to think of what this could have been like in "Odorama", but it didn't entertain me.

3/10

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The Stranglers Of Bombay (1959)

There are elements of The Stranglers Of Bombay that are easily enjoyed, but it's hard to just sit back and enjoy a movie that is such a relic from a bygone age, in many ways. One of those movies showing when the might of Great Britain stretched far overseas, into areas that had been colonised by, according to the movies, tea-drinking gentlemen who would sometimes look upon the locals with amused curiosity, and occasionally afford them the respect that they deserved.

It's the early part of the nineteenth century. Lots of people have been going missing, all of them murdered by the Thugee Cult Of Kali. Of course, nobody knows this immediately. An investigation begins, led by Captain Christopher Connaught-Smith (Allan Cuthbertson, every inch Lord Flashheart from Blackadder), hopes to get to the truth, but the man best qualified to provide answers (Captain Harry Lewis, played by Guy Rolfe) is being ignored, or even mocked. Meanwhile, the leader of the cult (George Pastell) knows that the British are creeping closer and closer to finding the truth.

Hampered by a stilted script from David Zelag Goodman and the lack of any real A-list stars, although Rolfe is good enough in the lead role and Pastell has plenty of screen presence, director Terence Fisher does his best to make something entertaining and interesting. What he ended up with, however, feels like the closest Hammer ever came to real exploitation fare. This is almost a mondo film in a number of ways, best illustrated by the scene in which we watch a mongoose and snake fighting one another (note: animal lovers may wish to turn away for that moment), and that's what actually keeps it watchable nowadays as a curio piece from the studio.

It just manages to qualify as an above average viewing experience, but I'd recommend it only to either Hammer completists or those who like their horror to have one foot dipped in any of the darker chapters in our world history.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Stranglers-Of-Bombay-Region/dp/B009O8U9VY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1392155164&sr=8-1&keywords=the+stranglers+of+bombay

The Eye 2 (2004)

The Pang brothers (Danny Pang and Oxide Pang Chun) are very talented film-makers. In fact, there was a time when The Eye was my favourite Asian horror movie, which is why I delayed watching any of the sequels for some time. I'd heard that The Eye 2 was pretty bad. Well, The Eye 2 isn't actually that bad at all. In fact, it has some very effective moments. It's not as good as The Eye, but few sequels manage to live up to the standard set by the original.

Qi Shu plays Joey Cheng, a young, pregnant woman who finds herself in a state of despair after Sam (Jesdaporn Pholdee) ends their relationship. Sam is already in a serious relationship, with Yuen Chi-Kei (Eugenia Yuan), and he's not man enough to leave her. When Joey attempts suicide, her problems really begin. Finding out that she is pregnant is bad enough, but she starts to see spirits around her. Spirits that are drawn to pregnant women, because to be reincarnated there is a need for a newborn, of course.

Taking the same mix of scares and developing backstory as the first movie, this film stumbles for a few different reasons. The first is familiarity. Yes, it's fun to feel wary whenever someone enters an elevator because of THAT elevator scene that the Pang brothers gave us in The Eye, but it also reminds you of a scare that they either can't repeat or, if they do, will end up seeing them accused of repeating their one best trick. Then we have the problem of the main characters not being as sympathetic. All of the actors do a decent job, but they're not helped by having to portray selfish, weak characters. It's only Ren Yuan Yuan as Mrs. Chow who garners any sympathy. Last, but by no means least, it just doesn't feel believable at any point. Of course, tales of the supernatural may not seem believable to most viewers, but they work better if they seem to be grounded in an acceptable reality. From the very earliest scenes, even those showing how people deal with Joey after her suicide attempt, there just didn't seem an attempt to make anything feel real.

Having listed those criticisms, The Eye 2 is still a very competent horror movie, it must be said. The Pang brothers know how to build tension and how to execute jump scares. They are skilled craftsmen, which makes this a worthwhile watch for anyone who likes a decent ghost flick. It's just a shame that it's such a big step down from the first movie. But that's not exactly an uncommon occurrence now, is it.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Eye-Trilogy-Pang-Brothers/dp/B000H8RW4C/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1392225790&sr=8-4&keywords=the+eye

Mummy Raider AKA Misty Mundae: Erotic Raider (2002)

Yep, it's time for me to review another adult movie. Why? Well, because sex sells, of course. And there was a time when Erin Brown was a relatively big star in the field of softcore adult entertainment. I don't know why, most of the films that she starred in appear to have been pretty awful (from my limited exposure to them, so far), but it happened. And I'm happy to use that as an excuse to look over her filmography from time to time.

Everything here takes place in Berlin. We know this because there's a photo of some environment shown with the word "Berlin" on it. The plot, and it pains me to use that word, of this movie is all about a nasty Nazi (played by Ruby Larocca, billed here as Esmerelda DeLarocca) trying to make a young woman (Darian Caine) give her the secret to resurrecting the dead, which will allow her to bring a mummy back to life, and will also help in creating the Fourth Reich, apparently. The Nazi tortures her captive with a cunning blend of atrocious acting and lesbianism. Thankfully, Misty Mundae: Mummy Raider (played by, duh, Misty Mundae) is about to crash the party and rescue her friend. She does this by shooting guns and often removing her top, as a way to distract the villains, you understand. Once the lame action moments are out of the way, Mundae and Caine get their lesbian groove on, before then attempting to change DeLarocca with the power of lesbianism. And that's it. Oh, and lesbian sex, lesbian sex, lesbian sex. Just thought I'd emphasise what's being put onscreen as the main draw for any male viewers thinking about giving this a watch.

I've never fully understood the lure of a lot of pornography (although some of it has obvious appeal, aesthetically), but the one thing that has always completely boggled my mind is the insistence from dumb, horny men that being anywhere near two women making out with one another is the best thing ever. It can be nice enough to look at, granted, but why can't men just shake off the delusion that they'd somehow be able to join in with the fun and have the best time of their life. First of all, if women are having that kind of fun together then why would they want some clumsy guy trying to barge in and get his rocks off? Second, how awkward would the whole situation be after those happy two minutes had come and gone?

Anyway, I digress. I apologise. Believe me, this all keeps the review on a par with the movie. Despite IMDb listing a UK version that runs for 75 minutes, the movie that I saw ran for about 46 minutes and barely qualified as a feature. Consider the fact that 2 minutes, approximately, are taken up by the opening credits and the last 8 minutes or so repeats horribly edited highlights of what YOU'VE JUST WATCHED, followed by the end credits.

Fair play, I guess, to director Brian Paulin and writer Bruce G. Hallenbeck (who also has a main role in the movie as the father of Darian Caine's character). They saw a market and they created a product for it. But anyone wanting to see some terrible actresses get naked and fool around could do a lot better than this, a film so bad that I was distracted by labels on boxes that made up the scenery because they listed the contents as chicken pies, something I didn't know was a priority in the Berlin of old.

Absolutely everything, outwith the appeal of the female stars, is awful, from the soundtrack, to the action, to the appearance of one of the worst mummies to ever appear in a movie, to the editing, to the script. Everything. It gets a generous rating for the benefit of anyone easily pleased by a couple of scenes of lesbian sex.

3/10

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