Triloquist (2008)

It may not actually be a film that you could call good but Triloquist is never dull and, to hell with it, I had a good time with it while it was on. It was stupid and completely implausible (even beyond the central killer dummy premise) but many people know by now just how easily pleased I can be.

The story? Didn't you see the words "killer dummy" in the small paragraph above? Paydin LoPachin plays Angelina, an attractive young woman who also happens to be seriously unbalanced. It's not entirely her fault. She suffered a lot of setbacks and abuse in her childhood, unhelped by her mute brother (Rocky Marquette), but also had the benefit of being supported by a killer dummy that would get rid of people who might hurt or cause problems for the siblings. The movie has no main plot other than a road trip for this dysfunctional family unit, one that Angelina wants to use to get a girl for her brother to have sex with and impregnate. Because the family tree needs to keep growing. They're also supposed to be aiming for Vegas but that never seems to be as important as killing anyone who has the misfortune of being nearby at the wrong time.

Writer-director Mark Jones is the man who also unleashed Leprechaun onto audiences and Rumpelstiltskin. I don't think it would be entirely unfair to say that he seems to have a penchant for crafting "uneven" horror movies around small, vicious, male figures so I'll say . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . that he seems to have a penchant for crafting "uneven" horror movies around small, vicious, male figures.

While LoPachin may not be the best actress in the world, she admirably goes along with everything and maintains an enjoyable over the top performance throughout. She may be capable of much better work but it's hard to tell from this movie, the aim for her here is simply to be attractive and batshit crazy and she does that. Rocky Marquette doesn't do too badly with his performance, expressing everything with his large, innocent eyes, but you can't help feeling that he got the best deal by bagging the mute role. Katie Chonacas isn't onscreen for all that long but she's not too bad, Brian Krause appears for a couple of minutes and there's a star cameo from Larry Manetti, AKA a guy from Magnum P. I.

I shouldn't have enjoyed Triloquist as much as I did, especially when there were a number of other, worthier movies sitting beside my TV, but there are many times when I just don't want to sit through a classic of cinema or even a potentially great new release. There are times when I just want to see that movie with a killer dummy in it that other friends have already had a good laugh at.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Triloquist-Rocky-Marquette/dp/B0016MJ6KG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1356407382&sr=8-1&keywords=triloquist

Camel Spiders (2011)

What else do you need to know about Camel Spiders that isn't made immediately clear by the title? Roger Corman has a producer credit. Jim Wynorski directed the thing (and also co-wrote it with J. Brad Wilke). The CGI is pretty poor but not as poor as the acting from most of the cast. Oh, and the biggest names involved are Brian Krause and C. Thomas Howell. Now you're either dying to see this already or you're already considering hunting down every copy of the movie out there and burning them all. The latter option may be a bit extreme but I can't put up any major defence for the movie. It's pretty bad.

There's a slim plot. Some soldiers (led by Brian Krause) are fighting when a bunch of big-ass spiders end up killing the enemy and inadvertently helping them out. That would all be fine and dandy if the spiders didn't then creep into the body of a deceased soldier and get carted over to U.S. soil. Before you can say "Hey Mr. Charmed, meet Mr. Soul Man" it's a big mess as nasty CGI spiders start killing folk you don't care about while Krause and C. Thomas Howell try to take charge and save the day.

I kinda enoyed watching Camel Spiders for the first 10-15 minutes, I won't lie, and there were moments when I thought "I realise how bad this is but it's also just mindless fun". In fact, as the spiders began to instil more fear into people and jump at every paper-thin supporting character I considered giving this an average to good rating. Then it just kept going and going with no improvement. The script, which had initially seemed amusingly dire and inept, was just dire. The CGI wasn't terrible or good enough to be constantly entertaining. The story was drawn out to feature length when it could barely have made for an entertaining 60 minutes. And then there was the acting. Brian Krause and C. Thomas Howell weren't great but they looked like Oscar contenders alongside some of their co-stars (who I'm just not even going to name).

Jim Wynorski knows how to use a small budget to at least get something made but Camel Spiders is one of his worst outings, it's not even as much fun as the ridiculous Cleavagefield (which a few of you may remember I actually enjoyed). There are a lot of low budget horror movies out there better than this, a lot of spider movies out there better than this and even a lot of Jim Wynorski movies out there better than this. Don't make this one a priority.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Camel-Spiders-DVD-Brian-Krause/dp/B0076LAI9Y/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1336250258&sr=1-1