Prime Time: D-Railed (2018)

I'm not an idiot. I know it can seem as if I AM an idiot sometimes (through my words here and my historical cock-ups), but I assure you that I'm not. I have to emphasise that now, before fully reviewing a film that many may already assume should be avoided anyway. I watched the trailer for this while I was looking for something easy to watch, and it looked like it might fit the bill for me. I was well aware that the trailer would probably do what trailers are supposed to do, sell people on a movie that doesn't necessarily match the potential shown, but I still thought there might be enough to enjoy. Maybe I would discover a gem that I could then heartily recommend to others.

I didn't.

But let me start by describing what the trailer delivered. There is a murder mystery party on a train. A real murder occurs, with someone then also robbing the passengers. The train gets derailed, ending up in a body of water. The passengers who are still alive then have to fend off a creature that is living in the water. That sounds good, right? It might not sound like a classic, but I had hopes that it might be a passable creature feature.

The trailer didn't really misrepresent the film, but there were certain elements here that worked against the fun premise. First of all, what I thought was a fancy dress murder mystery party was actually a murder mystery party affected by some time-trickery from the writers and director. Second, the creature doesn't make a proper appearance until about 40 minutes in. Third, the very end of the film brings in an extra layer to the whole thing that will make most people roll their eyes so hard that they will see their own brainstems. 

I should have remembered some of the names of the people involved here. Director Dale Fabrigar and writers Suzanne DeLaurentiis and Everette Wallin all worked together on Tape 407, which was a terrible "found footage" movie. Fabrigar is far from the worst person I have ever seen directing a film, but the writing, from both himself and his co-writers, leaves a lot to be desired. And it's always harder to cover up weak writing when you can't afford a cast good enough to lift the material.

Lance Henriksen may appear onscreen for a few lines, but he was obviously the biggest name that they could get for a few hours work. Nobody else really stands out, although Carter Scott (playing a main character named Evelyn) becomes a bit better as things start to go from bad to worse around her. I didn't mind Benny Mora (billed as Ben Hopkins) in the role of a would-be robber named Clyde, Tonya Kay tried to make the most of her brief screentime, playing a woman named Gigi, and I'll also mention Phil Young, who is credited as The Creature. While obviously hampered by the budget and resources, the creature at least has one or two moments when it looks surprisingly effective.

The fact that this isn't even close to being amongst the very worst movies I have ever seen just goes to show how many terrible movies I have watched in my square-eyed lifetime. D-Railed isn't a good film, but the people who made it at least tried to throw in one or two good ideas. And that's more than you can say for many low-budget horror movies that have ended up crowding one another out on various streaming services.

3/10

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Prime Time: Tape 407 (2012)

I once had a dream. Not a Martin Luther King Jr. kind of dream. Nothing inspirational or life-changing. Ot was a nightmare. I was trying to stay safe from Freddy Krueger. He kept appearing in various guises, but if I kept away from him until midnight then I'd be alright. I ran, and I ran and ran. I found a small bicycle lying on the pavement, abandoned. It had a basket on the front. And in that basket was an apple. I grabbed that bicycle, jumped on, and started pedalling as fast as I could. Bells started to chime. It was mere seconds away from fully turning midnight. That's when the apple started to unfurl. The peel unwrapping itself, a bladed glove forming from the core, stretching out from the basket. I cried out - "He's in the apple, he's IN the apple" - and the bells continued to chime as I remained fixed to the bike. Then I woke up.

Why have I started my review of Tape 407 (also known in some places as Area 407) with that story? Simple. That story is much better than anything you'll see in this movie.

Assorted characters get on a plane. The plane crashes. Everyone struggles to get their bearings as they also figure out that some predator is loose in the area. A camera keeps recording everything. The majority of the plot hinges on bad decisions and complete stupidity.

Co-directed by Dale Fabrigar and Everette Wallin, and written by Robert Shepyer, there's absolutely nothing here that makes me want to see anything else they have put their names to. I'm amazed that so many people seem to be credited with coming up with the story for this (those already named, plus a couple more), especially when it feels so carelessly thrown together, without any thought given to viewers. In fact, this is a film that will insult most people who stumble across it, even the more die-hard fans of found footage "horror".

I cannot even bring myself to namecheck the main cast members, because the script barely crafts proper characters and none of the actors can do enough to make up for the source material. Some people in front of the camera may be able to do better work with more talented writers and directors, but it's impossible to think that optimistically while this mess unfolds.

"Highlights" include the unrelentingly grumpy and bitter character you just want to see die ASAP, numerous scenes that fail to move the plot forward, people in a car who get a fright and then immediately seem to forget that they're . . . in a car, and a final scene that is laughably predictable while everyone involved seems to think it's a very clever punchline.

Avoid. But if anyone wants to fund my potential reboot of A Nightmare On Elm Street then feel free to drop me a line.

2/10

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