Netflix And Chill: Theatre Of Fear (2014)

AKA The Midnight Horror Show.

I'm sure I've been quite mean about writer-director Andrew Jones before, and it will undoubtedly happen again if I watch more of his movies (which I will, I have the memory of a goldfish and often jump into my movie viewing choices without too much forethought), but it does give you reason to pause and reconsider your approach when you find out that the man you're about to perhaps harshly judge died in 2023 at the young age of 39. I was genuinely sorry to find that out, and decided it needed mentioning here, along with the fact that Jones was certainly prolific, at the very least, having helmed 21 low-budget British horror features in 15 years.

Having said all that, this is another poor one though, and there's no easy way to sugar-coat the pill. Jones was someone who seemed to enjoy making movies, despite the fact that he was never able to rise above the many limitations working against him.

What you get here is a very standard set-up. There's a family of travelling performers who like to lure innocent victims in and kill them. The Moreau family (headed up by Doctor Deimor Moreau, played by Jared Morgan) seem to have been doing this for a while, and don't look ready to stop any time soon. Some feel more strongly about it than others though, and they may all end up being forced to stop when someone ends up hunting them down to avenge the recent death of a young woman.

What should be a fun and easy watch is, sadly, dragged down by a whole heap of issues. What should be an opportunity for some interesting visuals, at the very least, is presented in a load of shots that are drab and framed to cover up the varying quality of the production design and the special effects. The characters aren't given enough to do (although both Lee Bane and Nathan Head benefit from being allowed to portray the more memorable family members). There's none of the blend of menace and glee that you'd expect from this type of thing, and certainly none of the atmosphere you would expect to be created from the classic juxtaposition of theatrical merriment and sadistic horrors.

Morgan, Bane, and Head are okay, if I'm being kind, and Sam Harding and Shireen Ashton can also be damned with the same faint praise, but what was really needed here was someone not afraid to deliver something much bigger than the film surrounding them. It would absolutely have unbalanced things, but something being unbalanced is better than something being tiresome, and completely forgettable as soon as the end credits have rolled.

I'd advise everyone to stay away from this one. It's less Something Wicked This Way Comes and more Something Tiresome Is Here To Be Endured. And everyone reading this can consider my final rating to be generous, considering the context I mentioned in the opening paragraph.

3/10

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Netflix And Chill: Poltergeist Activity (2015)

There are very few, if any, times when it is acceptable to be personally insulting to anyone making movies. I would argue, however, that someone treating viewers with complete disdain, delivering them a product that is clearly slapped together with a lack of care or consideration, is one of those times when reciprocating with a certain brusque manner, or overt rudeness, is generally okay. Because why give someone respect who seems unable to respect the people who may have spent some of their money to be suckered in by a terrible (usually horror) film?

And that is why I am starting this review by confidently stating that writer-director Andrew Jones should step away from film-making, or maybe he just needs to get himself in the company of financiers and producers who can better help him realise a proper movie. Jones has been responsible for some of the worst movies that I've seen throughout the past decade, and all of them are given some decent artwork to lure people in, as well as a title that either plays on some other movie or hints at something MUCH better (e.g. Poltergeist Activity, The Amityville Asylum, and anyone using the name Amityville in a title that isn't an official part of the series should have a warm seat kept for them in a special circle of cinema hell, The Manson Family Massacre, The Jonestown Haunting, Cabin 28, and Alien: Battlefield Earth). Who knows, maybe something like Jurassic Predator manages to be daffy fun. I'm not brave enough to check it out yet, I believe it is safest to only watch one Andrew Jones film a year, at most. The BEST thing I have seen from him is Robert, a killer doll movie that has inexplicably turned into a whole series by now (about 5 films so far, unless I am miscounting). And I gave that a mighty 3/10. The worst I have seen from him is The Curse Of Halloween Jack. Well, that was the case until I saw this film.

Lee Bane plays David Prescott, a man who moves into a new house with his daughter, Katherine (Natalie Martins). Unfortunately, it turns out that the house has a dark history. Before you can say "is that clown doll there just to reference the best Poltergeist movie?" things start to get freaky and scary. That's what is supposed to happen anyway. What actually happens is father and daughter arguing with one another, things becoming more unbearable for them in the house, and the eventual help of an occult expert, Hans Voltz (Jared Morgan). There's also a neighbour, Mrs. Blankenship (Judith Haley), who knows about the history of the house. And one scene in which Sam Harding plays Alex, a character he seems a bit too old to be playing.

Absolutely horrible, almost painfully so, from start to finish, this is amateur film-making at its very worst. Although the acting is quite bad, I am loathe to blame the cast. This feels like one of many British horror films that is made with the approach of "well, we have a central idea/title/poster, I am sure we can work out the rest while filming". If you know me at all then you will know that I always try to find some good in everything. Very few films have nothing at all going for them. This is one of those rare ones. And the less said about the audio mix, and music from Bobby Cole, the better.

Consistently ugly, there's genuinely not one moment here that even accidentally frames the action in a way that you can acknowledge resulted from a conscious choice, absolutely lacking any actual scares, often laughable when it's trying to be serious, this is a disaster. Destined to be a solid choice for any bad movie club, the only other place this should appear is in a wastebin. Which is then dumped in the sea.

One final note, a warning to the curious (if you will), is that I've probably oversold it here. Although mentioning it as a contender for a bad movie club choice, this doesn't even manage to be laughable in the right way. You just end up growing increasingly incredulous as you realise that people worked on this, people thought they were making something worthwhile, and then they thought that others might pay to see it. Do NOT ever exchange any money for this. Ever. Because a penny spent on this is a penny you could have used as a sacrifice in one of those wonderful "Make Your Own Penny" machines that can be found at numerous tourist attractions up and down the UK.

P.S. If anyone involved in these films ever wants to contact me and put forward their side of things then I'll be happy to email back and forth, and allow some space here for that dialogue. My email address is kevinjmatthews75@gmail.com

1/10

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