Evil Bong (2006)

If you are wondering just what you might get from a film called Evil Bong then you may have already spent too much time in the company of an evil bong. It's not a hard concept to figure out, not really, and the fact that it is directed by Charles Band means that you're unlikely to find a lot of hidden depth here. 

David Weidoff plays Alistair, a young (nerd) man who moves into shared accommodation with, as you may have guessed, a bunch of guys who like to get stoned. Alistair doesn’t personally indulge, which is why it takes much longer for him to be caught in the clutches of . . . the Evil Bong. In fact, Alistair only sets out to get stoned when he figures out what is happening to those around him, including Janet (Kristyn Green), a woman he has taken quite a shine to.

As silly and light as you should expect, Evil Bong isn’t actually as bad as it could be, thanks to the idea of people being transported to a “bong world” that is basically just a strip club where they are eventually killed, or have their souls temporarily held from their bodies. It is also a place where other characters from the Full Moon stable of movies can appear, for no other reason than allowing fans to recognise them and smile. Jack Deth, Gingerdead Man, Ooga Booga, and more appear onscreen for a few seconds. They add nothing to the plot of the film, but I cannot deny that it was fun to recognise them (and remember other Full Moon movies that I had already enjoyed or endured).

Band directs with his usual approach, take an idea that can be milked for years and throw everything together as cheaply as possible. He is helped by Domonic Muir’s script, which leans into the silliness of it all just enough to be slightly charming, as opposed to smug and offputting, and the “guest role” for Tommy Chong is an easy way to attract the right viewer demographic.

Weidoff isn’t the best actor around, but he is also far from the worst,  as are the other main stars.. Everyone knows what kind of movie they are in, and everyone does just fine by the material. I would say that this is actually one of the better casts I have seen Band put together, with Green a very likeable potential love interest, and Brian Lloyd, John Patrick Jordan, and Mitch Eakins, are amusing enough as the non-nerd flatmates ready to gently mock the new nerd in their midst. Robin Sydney also does fine, playing the girlfriend of Lloyd’s character, while the voice of Michelle Mais works well as for the Evil Bong aka EeBee. There’s also a small supporting role for Phil Fondacaro, someone who has appeared in many Full Moon movies, and who I always enjoy seeing.

This is silly, it is put together carelessly, and you may well start forgetting it even before the end credits have finished. But it’s also moderately amusing, at times, and keeps throwing enough elements around onscreen that some of them manage to stick.

4/10

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The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

Ahhhhhhhh the 1980s. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the best of the worst of times. Just look at deeley bobbers, Minipops (seriously . . . search for clips of Minipops and look on in absolute horror), and the Cabbage Patch Kids, which the Garbage Pail Kids trading cards were very much parodying. Cinematically, it was a decade that wasn't afraid to put kids in real peril, wasn't afraid to use ANY fleeting fad in order to make a quick buck (arguably, every decade of cinema does that), and wasn't afraid to deliver something so wild and ridiculous that the only possible explanation for some of the creative decisions made starts with co and ends with caine. And The Garbage Pail Kids Movie ticks all of those boxes.

Directed, produced, and co-written (with Linda - AKA Melinda - Palmer) by Rod Amateau, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is like some kind of Troma-esque attempt to make a modern day fairytale with some of the most unappealing animatronic creations you've ever seen in your life. It doesn't exactly speed along at a breakneck pace, yet it feels that way because the plot just seems to take one erratic turn after another.

The plot, and I'll try to summarise it without vomiting all over my keyboard, focuses on a bullied young lad named Dodger (Mackenzie Astin, impressively looking anywhere between 8 and 15 at any given moment). Dodger has a crush on Tangerine (Katie Barberi), the girlfriend of main bully, Juice (Ron MacLachlan). One scene of mild torture later, Dodger is handcuffed to a rail in a sewer, a pipe pouring nasty waste onto him, and is saved by the Garbage Pail Kids. It turns out that the Garbage Pail Kids have been living in the antique shop of a man named Manzini (Anthony Newley). Dodger is a friend/relative/groomed pet of Manzini and this leads to a plan in which Dodger . . . gets the kids to make clothing that Tangerine can sell as part of her very odd business model of entering nightclubs with piles of clothes for sale. There are many more clothes to be made, one or two bars to be visited, a State Home For The Ugly, and a grand fashion show that serves as the background for the finale.

There you have it. All of it. An adult with an unspecified relationship to a teenage boy. A bunch of "kids" who crawl out of a bin and then are mistreated by someone who decides to make use of them in a way that surely contravenes a number of child-labour laws, and may even veer perilously close to a thinly-disguised sweatshop environment, and a third act that gives you nobody to really root for. 

This could have been better if it had delivered some more memorable characters. Greaser Greg, Valerie Vomit, Ali Gator, Foul Phil, Nat Nerd, Windy Winston, and Messy Tessie are far removed from the more fun creations that I remember seeing on some of the Garbage Pail Kids trading cards that I managed to get my hands on.

To add insult to injury, the soundtrack features two songs that are so ear-offendingly bad the speakers on my TV hatched a plan to detach themselves and dive into the nearby duck pond.

It's no surprise that a number of people involved in this movie went on to do not much else of note. Amateu wrote one story after this (Sunset), Linda Palmer has written one movie since this, and it's about killer ants, and Anthony Newley became quite the fixture in UK TV schedules. Astin and Barberi have managed to move beyond this, fair enough, although I wouldn't be surprised if they still have nights in which they wake up coated in sweat and anything else that may have leaked out while their brain had used this movie for their nightmare fuel. That has been happening to me lately, and I only watched the bloody thing.

Horrible stuff, but undeniably interesting for all the wrong reasons, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is not for the faint of heart, not for anyone after the real gems of cinema, and not for anyone of sound mind. So I KNOW that one or two friends of mine will enjoy it.

4/10

Knock yourself out with this disc.

The Ghoulies Movie Series (1984 - 1994)

Movies are made for all kinds of reasons. To tell a fantastic story. To teach a lesson. To make money from fans of established properties. Or to get as much as possible from the latest trends. Empire Pictures, the main production company behind Ghoulies, would often work with that last motivating factor. Ghoulies was a dark comedy horror that began development before the release of Gremlins, but the timing of it made it seem designed to cash in on the success of Gremlins. In fact, after the release of the latter movie, we ended up with a whole host of mini-creature features. The Critters series - another apparently started before Gizmo and co. ruled the box office - remains one of the most consistently solid b-movie quartets I can think of (with only Tremors coming close to it), but it was a rare cash-in that managed to avoid feeling lazy and cheap. The standard of the other movies to come out in the subsequent years would be more in line with Munchies and Hobgoblins.

Ghoulies (1984) looked as if it had some potential. Although initially a bit of a head-scratcher, it was easier to enjoy when you realised that the comedic elements were intentional. The creature design wasn't too bad, the special effects weren't appalling, and it had the benefit of a cast that included both a pre-fame Mariska Hargitay and Scott Thomson (Copeland from the Police Academy series). And the video cover had a slimy monster popping out of a toilet. I was 9 or 10 when I first saw that cover and I knew that I had to see the movie. Bear in mind that I MAY have seen this movie before Gremlins. My memory is hazy, but I recall filling up my Gremlins Panini sticker album for a long, long time before getting to see the movie itself. This review here will sound like me repeating myself if you just read this paragraph.

Ghoulies 2 (1988) went one better. The monsters were coming out of the toilet again, but this time a couple of taglines played up the mix of comedy and horror.
One read: "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bathroom"
The other: "They'll get yours in the end."
The creature design was even better this time around, the laughs were more obvious, and the carnival setting helped a lot (more horror movies should make use of the carnival atmosphere). It also had the enjoyable Phil Fondacaro in a fairly substantial role, and J. Downing as the kind of uptight, heartless businessman/human villain viewers just love to see get their comeuppance. Ghoulies 2 wasn't just good. It was, that rare thing indeed, superior to the first film.

But, just when you thought the series might end up as a pleasant surprise, along came Ghoulies Go To College (1991). AKA Ghoulies III. I guess that someone somewhere assumed that if the sassy creatures had drawn such a great response from viewers while in a carnival setting then it would be a win-win situation to place them in the middle of a . . . . . . . . . . . . . frathouse comedy. Oh yes, that happened. And Kevin McCarthy was roped in to play Professor Ragnar. And did I mention that the creatures now talk? Which allows every scene to practically overflow with "witty wisecracks". The end result isn't good, although it's a relief to see the makers of the movie actually remember that it should have some decent monster action by the time we get to the grand finale. Film fans may find it worth a watch now to see Kane Hodder in a very brief role, playing a sap who ends up stuck in a mop bucket, and Jason Scott Lee giving no sign whatsoever of the talent that he would be able to display in the next few years. At least there's also a fleeting amount of gratuitous nudity to ease the pain.

Last, and very much least, we were given Ghoulies IV (1994). And when I say that we were given it I mean given in the same way that people are given a punch in the face, or radiation poisoning, or even syphilis. Directed by Jim Wynorski, a man who has given me delights as varied as Chopping Mall and Cleavagefield, this movie insults the audience with the most tenuous of links to the first film (okay, the male lead kinda reprises his role), a rambling and shoddy plot that it's hard to remotely care about, and a couple of creatures that AREN'T EVEN REAL FUCKING GHOULIES! Sorry, but when you stick with something over the years you can be irritated greatly by small details like that. It was the coffin nail in a series that had taken a more unusual journey than most. Think about it, we never even got to see a Ghoulies In Space outing (the usual check-point for horror franchises).

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