Red Mist AKA Freakdog (2008)

You might know of Paddy Breathnach already if you note down the names of people involved with movies that you disliked because a LOT of people disliked Shrooms.  I only ended up giving it a generous 5/10 after a rewatch allowed me to enjoy individual elements while my anger abated. Red Mist AKA Freakdog is a slight improvement over Shrooms but it only just provides a better viewing experience, mainly thanks to the echoes of Patrick. The main thing dragging it down is . . . . . . . . . . . well, I'll get to that shortly.

Andrew Lee Potts plays Kenneth, a shy and stuttering hospital worker who likes to look at corpses and cut himself. He's not a well man and doesn't have the best social skills but that doesn't stop him from trying to get close to Catherine (Arielle Kebbel), a young woman learning her craft at the hospital. When Catherine is out one evening with a group of her colleagues (played by Alex Wyndham, Katie McGrath, Sarah Carter and Martin Compston) things take a turn for the worse when Kenneth approaches the group and is brutally rebuffed. He then tells them that he has footage on his phone of one of them sneaking drugs from the pharmacy, drugs that they have been using for recreational purposes. The group then decide to let Kenneth join in with their fun but only so that they can spike his drink and teach him a lesson. As is often the case, things go wrong and Kenneth ends up in a coma. Catherine feels incredibly guilty but her colleagues just want everything to be over so that they can get on with their lives. In an attempt to help out, Catherine visits the comatose Kenneth and starts to secretly administer some experimental drugs that she hopes may help his condition. That's when people start acting as if they're possessed while trying to kill everyone who helped put Kenneth where he is. Could Kenneth be reaching out from his hospital bed? Is it the experimental drug?

The idea may not be an original one but it's not bad. The screenplay by Spence Wright covers familiar ground and it sits very much at the mid-point of quality when it comes to this type of fare. Breathnach does okay with the direction, though it would have been nice to see things getting a bit nastier during the death scenes, and the cast features those already mentioned plus Stephen Dillane and MyAnna Buring (I'll admit it, I like to watch the lovely Miss Buring in anything, so sue me).

BUT, and it is a big but (so big that Sir Mix-A-Lot himself may pop along to admire it), everything in the film from the acting to the unfolding plot to the dialogue exchanges between characters is undone by one huge mis-step. For some reason, those involved decided to try and make the whole thing appear as if it was set in America. Not in any convincing way, you understand, as that would take too much effort and care. Oh no, this movie being set in America means that we get a horrible mix of accents from the poor actors onscreen, a few establishing shots of somewhere that we're supposed to accept is America and then . . . . . . . . . . . well, that's it. There's not really anything else to help convince viewers that they're watching a movie set in the USA. It's as if Paddy Breathnach and Spence Wright watched Slaughter High and thought "well, we can make something as bad as that". Yet I still love Slaughter High to this day, it has a goofy charm to it and feels like those involved actually did their best with what they had. This movie misses that, which is why it also ends up with a generous 5/10 and why I am now wondering whether or not I should stop being so easily pleased.

5/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Red-Mist-Blu-ray-Arielle-Kennel/dp/B0029TQW98/ref=sr_1_2?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1346363564&sr=1-2

Random recommendation time.

First thing is first, this is the main page I use as a "portal" for the search engine to find. So anyone looking for a particular title just has to look at the top left corner of the screen. See that search box. Type in whatever you're after and I hope something comes up that you're looking for.

Now for the random recommendations.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like to use the words underrated and overrated. Things are just . . . . . rated and it all usually evens out. Having said that, I have been thinking more and more about a few movies that I think more people should be aware of so I'm adding an extra blog post today to recommend some films. Hopefully, you've already heard of most of them but if you haven't then please do check them out.

Enemy Territory - It's not the best way to view it but it may be the only way to see it at the moment, if you type in Enemy Territory 1987 while on YouTube you will be rewarded with a movie that features roles for Tony Todd, Jan Michael Vincent and Ray Parker Jr. Yes, the guy who sang the theme song for Ghostbusters. And it's reviewed here.

Cohen & Tate - Roy Scheider and Adam Baldwin star in this fantastic thriller/black comedy about two hitmen being played off one another by a kid. I hope a better disc comes out at some point but at least this is available in the meantime. Reviewed here.

Drive - No, not THAT one. I'm on about THIS one. Kickass action with one fight scene so enjoyable that it was "homaged" in Blade II. Drive is reviewed here.

King Of The Hill - AKA The Steven Soderbergh movie that nobody ever mentions. I loved it when I saw it years ago and I'd like to see it again soon. Mayhaps I will buy this DVD.

The Music Of Chance - One of those wonderful little films that I first saw many, many years ago late at night on either Channel 4 or BBC 2 before we all had a gazillion channels to choose from PLUS DVDs PLUS LoveFilm Instant, etc. A gambler loses a bet and has to build a wall but there's so much more to it than just that. James Spader stars in it and it's brilliant. Take a chance on the DVD.

The Hill - A powerful drama from Sidney Lumet that stars Sean Connery and looks at certain aspects of military life, this is a film that will be loved by anyone who enjoys great drama. And it's available here.

Trojan Eddie - Just look at that cast. Now buy the film and enjoy it, you can thank me later.

Restless Natives - I still consider this essential viewing for anyone living in, or a fan of, Edinburgh. Here is my review. It's a tale of robbery in the Highlands, it features a great mix of drama and comedy and there's an absolutely fantastic soundtrack from the great Big Country. Buy it.

King Of The Ants - This is what happens when you match director Stuart Gordon up with the darker writings of Charlie Higson (now best known for his comedy work and stories about a young James Bond). It's disturbing and it's brilliant. And it's easily available here.

The Baby - Also known to a number of people as "what the fuck did I just watch????". I won't even explain it but it's certainly not for everyone. It is, however, superb and completely mad, as far as I'm concerned. Make a risky purchase here.

And that's it. I know that people who browse my blog can be as film-obsessed as I am but I hope that there is maybe one title amongst that lot that you've never heard of before. If so then do check it out. And get back to me with your take on it, good or bad.

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Children Of The Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992)

Absolutely inept in almost every way, that's the first thing to say immediately about this movie. I laughed a number of times at how bad it was but, for the most part, it was actually a painful experience. Bad acting comes from almost everyone involved, the script by A. L. Katz and Gilbert Adler is atrocious and the direction from David Price ensures that the final result is an equal mix of dull moments, stupid moments (like the two men in a van who think a twister is approaching who then decide to get out of the van . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and panic a bit before one man gets back in the van) and completely over the top moments.

I can't even be bothered to explain the plot, the film is so bad and sloppy that it makes me question whether or not I should risk giving any readers brain damage by actually covering the events. Here is the very brief version. The deceased adult residents of Gaitlin have been found and people are shocked. So shocked, apparently, that they don't suspect the involvement of any of the surviving children and instead seek to rehouse them. Which allows the kids to wander about in groups, have their little rituals in the cornfields and generally be creepy in a completely, blindingly obvious way.

Rosalind Allen is the only person onscreen I could actually tolerate while the rest should just be named and shamed - Terence Knox and Paul Scherrer are annoying as hell as a bickering father and son, Ryan Bollman is just horrible as Micah, Christie Clark does slightly better than most of the cast in her small role (playing Lacey), Ned Romero is brought low by some of the worst moments in a script full of bad moments and Marty Terry is shockingly bad in two roles.

There are a few references to The Wizard Of Oz to watch out for, it may help to keep you awake as the film meanders on, but nothing else makes this remotely watchable. I would recommend anyone and everyone to avoid this at all costs.

2/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Children-The-Corn-Boxset-3-DVD/dp/B0046YWTV4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346920796&sr=8-1

Tango & Cash (1989)

In 2010 The Expendables came along to make action movie fans practically drool with excitement from the opening scene to the closing credits. It was a Sylvester Stallone action movie that catered to fans of a certain kind of dumb fun, fans of 80s action that saw the collateral damage go through the roof as people like Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis, etc, did whatever it took to get the bad guy. The Expendables was a homage to those films. The funny thing is that Stallone already starred in the ultimate homage to the 80s action movie, it's just that he actually did it in the 1980s before the affection had grown into nostalgia and before sly wit (no pun intended) could help viewers deal with the many cheesy moments.

For anyone doubting that this is the ultimate homage to 80s action movies I present the following facts. The film stars Stallone and Kurt Russell, two superb stars of the decade (in fact, the Russell role was originally intended to be played by Patrick Swayze, which may have caused all time and matter to grind to a halt in 1989). The main villain is played by Jack Palance but there are also roles for James Hong and, a man synonymous with the 1980s, the late, great Brion James. Oh, Robert Z'Dar also plays a hardass baddie. Is that 80s enough for you yet?

No!! Well, just check out who else we have onscreen in non-villainous roles. A young and beautiful Teri Hatcher is captivating. Geoffrey Lewis is great in his small role. And then there's Michael J. Pollard, who was also so great in Roxanne and a number of other movies.

The script is full of typical buddy-cop moments as Tango (Stallone) and Cash (Russell) are thrown together, framed and subsequently have to spend the rest of the movie throwing snappy insults at each other while trying to prove their innocence and nail the bad guys. Police brutality is the norm when these guys want to get results, plenty of things explode and our heroes get things down through a mix of casual violence and unbelievable luck.

Want some more 80s moments? How about Stallone replying to some cop saying that he thinks he's Rambo with the line "Rambo . . . . . . . is a pussy"? Or even the great little "I hate Danish" line that provides a sly dig at his past relationship with Brigitte Nielsen.

Tango & Cash wasn't a very easy shoot, with director Andrey Konchalovsky being replaced towards the end of the shoot by Albert Magnoli and the script by Randy Feldman not being completed by the time that principal photography began. I'm not sure what the film resembled once the shooting was over but it was shaped and polished by editor Stuart Baird into what you see today, and I like it.

It's ridiculous, completely implausible, and totally enjoyable. If you love anything about the 1980s then you will surely love Tango & Cash. Oh, and the music is by Harold Faltermeyer. Oh yes. The ultimate homage to the movies spawned by the decade of excess, even if it wasn't intended that way.

8/10

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The Creature Walks Among Us (1956)

In case you weren't aware of it, I LOVE Creature From The Black Lagoon. Love it. As for the sequel, Revenge Of The Creature, I enjoy that one quite a bit. It was inferior to the original movie by some way but it was still just above average. So I came to view The Creature Walks Among Us with a slight air of trepidation, the third outing was unlikely to be a charm (I thought) but my OCD meant that I had to complete the series.

Frankly, this third outing is better than the second movie because it takes the main, basic premise - gillman in tropical waterways is hunted for by humans who want to poke and prod him - and throws a few very interesting ideas in there.

Perhaps the praise can go to director John Sherwood, who does well with the material, but I'm more tempted (and, I think, rightly so) to save most of my complimentary comments for writer Arthur A. Ross. Ross also wrote the screenplay for the first movie and it's clear that he somehow managed to buck the odds and bring everything together just perfectly for his treatment of basic ideas that could have easily been hokey and laughable.

The cast this time around are a mixed bag but they all do well with the characters that they have to portray - Jeff Morrow isn't the nicest man ever while Leigh Snowden is his poor wife. Rex Reason (what a great name) is very likeable as Dr. Thomas Morgan while Gregg Palmer, Maurice Manson, James Rawley and David McMahon are all fine, as are the other folks onscreen. And let's not forget to mention both Ricou Browning and Don Megowan, the two men responsible for portraying the creature in and out of the water.

Once again, there's some muddying of the waters (no pun intended) but no real doubt as to where our sympathies lie. The creature is what it is, though change may not be out of the question, while the humans involved show a wide selection of negative traits as they capture the poor thing and try to change him into whatever suits their needs.

An excellent end to a consistently enjoyable trilogy, I recommend all three films to those who enjoy classic monster fare.

7/10

http://www.amazon.com/Creature-From-Black-Lagoon-Collection/dp/B0002NRRRY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346791090&sr=8-1&keywords=the+creature+walks+among+us

The Amityville Curse (1989)

The Amityville house doesn't quite look the same as it did before in this fifth entry in the franchise that should never have limped beyond three (despite how I disliked it, I will accept that the third movie attempts to place itself in line with the other movies).

A bunch of people move into the house and start renovating it but it's not long before things start going bump in the night. And the day. People take far too long to see sense and get out of the house, the scares aren't all that scary (though one dream sequence about a third or halfway into the movie is actually pretty damn good) and the house itself has no character. And the fact that it's not even the same house ruins things almost as much as the evil taking over a household lamp.

The cast are all, in general, pretty poor actors playing pretty unlikeable characters. Kim Coates does well, and it's a shame to see that this is on his CV, and Cassandra Gava isn't too bad but David Stein is awful and only Dawna Wightman, as Debbie, is worse than him. She gives a performance that should easily have won her a roll in Troll 2. Anthony Dean Rubes is just there, he does nothing of note, while Helen Hughes goes way over the top with a character who is at least supposed to be way over the top.

Written by a number of people, and based loosely on the book by Hans Holzer, the script veers from the ploddingly dull to the outright laughable. Director Tom Berry seems happy with it, however, as he does nothing to cover up the weakest element of the movie and adds some more failings to the mix, especially his knack for dragging scenes out and making every potential scare just another extra moment of boredom.

One to avoid.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Amityville-Curse-DVD-Giron/dp/B000066CSC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346708892&sr=8-1

Salo, Or The 120 Days Of Sodom (1975)

Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom is a very difficult movie to watch. VERY difficult. In fact, considering the nature of the material, those of you with a sensitive nature, those of you of a young age or even just those of you wanting to retain your lunch should probably read no further.

I've seen nasty films. Sometimes I watch them because it seems like an endurance test/rite of passage (such as these Guinea Pig movies). Yes, I know that's not the best reason to watch movies but it IS a reason and I always try to be honest about such things. Sometimes I watch them because I've been told to check them out while also being warned about their content (as was the case with the Red Room movies). And sometimes, of course, a movie just gains such a strong reputation that I must check it out (which happened with the highly disturbing but nonetheless very good A Serbian Film).

I'm not listing those films as some kind of badge of honour, oh no. Some of the nasty movies I have seen have been very good pieces of cinema, either for the way in which they make audiences think or the way in which they push at the very boundaries of good taste and acceptability. Some of the nasty movies I have seen have been rubbish (yes, I'm looking at you Faces Of Death).

Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom is rubbish, as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure that people are able to defend it as art, as a metaphor for the cruelty inflicted upon so many during WWII and as so much else but to me it was, and always will be, rubbish.

Set in a Fascist-occupied area of Italy, the film focuses on a number of men who collaborate with each other, and a few female prostitutes, to pick nine boys and nine girls and take them to their private residence, where stories will be told for the sole purpose of sexual arousal and the boys and girls will be degraded, sexually abused and even killed. In between the nastier moments of abuse there are stomach-churning tales mixed with poetic verses, a few jokes and musings on the nature of sex and love and life and death.

Writer-director Pier Paolo Pasolini (the screenplay was co-written by Sergio Citti and takes a lot from the works of the Marquis De Sade) didn't do anything by half here. The movie may start off feeling more restrained but there's actually debauchery, evil and lust dripping from almost every frame.

It's a credit to the cast that they all do a great job. Those playing the male abusers (Paolo Bonacelli, Giorgio Cataldi, Umberto Paolo Quintavalle and Aldo Valletti) were very easy to hate and those being abused were fragile beings that I willed to escape the madhouse they were trapped in.

There's also the music by Ennio Morricone to enjoy. Yes, the one and only Ennio Morricone. This certainly wasn't an easy job for him but he did what was required.

To be fair, despite my view on the final product, a number of reports from those involved with the film say that the mood on set was quite lighthearted and that the whole thing was really put together in the editing room so, in that respect, credit where credit is due on the technical front.

I just can't rate this highly. Some regard it as a classic and I must be missing something. I saw a number of clumsy metaphors onscreen but nothing that really made me think, especially while my stomach was being churned by what I was seeing.

So, to go back to what I was saying at the very beginning. I have seen my share of very nasty movies. I am not easily offended. I'll see more nasty movies in the future, no doubt. But I won't ever rewatch this one, it just didn't work for me at all and nobody will ever convince me to change my mind (though I encourage anyone to try).

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Salo-Blu-ray-Pier-Paolo-Pasolini/dp/B004ZQJ3MG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346616776&sr=8-1

The Great Train Robbery (1903)

Well, one a week. If I carry on at this rate I should be able to see all 1001 Movies To See Before You Die in the next 20 years. Which ensures that I won't die before the age of 56. That'll do me.

There's the usual link below to a potential purchase but, as is the case with many of the very, VERY old landmarks of ancient cinema this is also in the public domain and available to watch in a number of incarnations on YouTube. I went for this version.

The tale is quite a simple one, it's summarised by the title. Some bandits go about being bandits and they rob a train. However, while they're enjoying themselves and feeling smug and rich, some folks soon get on their trail and make a concerted effort to retrive the stolen goods. And then everything ends with footage of a bandit shooting at the screen, an image that shook audiences up back when the film was first released - they thought they were really going to be shot at, apparently - and is so iconic that Martin Scorsese recreated it with a gangster replacing the cowboy figure at the very end of the superb Goodfellas.

If you're a fan of cinema, the history of cinema and the landmark works that have helped progress the medium through over a century of entertainment then The Great Train Robbery is something worth seeing. It has a definite narrative, contains some decent effects and exterior shots (which were a lot more difficult to film at the turn of the last century) and stands up today as a truncated blend of popular tropes of the Western genre.

In terms of imagination and sheer entertainment value, it doesn't compare with the likes of A Trip To The Moon but it's certainly pretty well-crafted and an equally important stepping stone for the movies. Indeed, we may have director Edwin S. Porter to thank for everything that has come along in the genre since then - from Stagecoach and High Noon to Unforgiven and Open Range. And that's quite an achievement indeed.

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Great-Train-Robbery-Region-Import/dp/B0000WN1JA/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1346575792&sr=8-7

Amityville: The Evil Escapes (1989)

Well, well, well, if I thought that the third Amityville Horror movie was bad I should really have reserved my final judgment until seeing this film and, indeed, the sequels that would come after it. I'm now quite apprehensive about my future visits to Amityville but I've started so I'll have to finish. It's my OCD and if things just keep getting worse and worse well . . . . . . . . maybe I'll save some other poor soul from my fate and it will all be worth it.

As you might have guessed from the title, Amityville: The Evil Escapes, this movie relocates the horror of the first few movies. The evil from Amityville does, indeed, escape. But how would it make such an escape? Possessing an unsuspecting visitor? Staying indoors while some rich ghosthunter moves the entire house across the country? A portal of some kind? No, the evil essence of Amityville puts itself into a . . . . . . . . . lamp.

It's hard to take a horror movie seriously when the main icon of evil is an upright lamp so fair play to writer-director Sandor Stern (and John G. Jones, who wrote the book) for sticking to his guns and providing audiences with more lamp-centric horror than they probably ever knew that they wanted. Of course, the movie is preposterous AND pretty dull and just downright bad. I was initially going to put all of the blame onto Stern but I now feel a bit guilty for two reasons. 1) The man did write the screenplay for the first movie, proving that he could do a good job with the material. 2) He also wrote and directed the excellent Pin (trust me, seek it out if you like great psychological horror).

The cast are no great shakes and don't do anything to help the weak material. Patty Duke, Jane Wyatt, Fredric Lehne (who is saddled with most of the more ridiculous lines), Lou Hancock, Brandy Gold, Zoe Trilling, Aron Eisenberg, etc, all have at least one laughable moment and none of them manage to give solid performances from start to finish.

There's nothing here to make this movie worth a watch. Not even any of the lowest common denominators - gratuitous nudity or excessive gore. Nope, all we have is an evil lamp. Indeed, the ridiculousness of that sentence really tells you all you need to know about the film.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Amityville-The-Evil-Escapes-DVD/dp/B000A0XTP8/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1346100249&sr=8-2

The Strongest Man In The World (1975)

The third, and last, of the Disney "Dexter Riley" movies sees a lot of the same names returning to make another romp that may not be quite as good as the previous two movies but still remains relatively entertaining from start to finish.

Kurt Russell returns as Dexter, Joe Flynn is the Dean once more, Michael McGreevey is Schuyler again and the great Cesar Romero is back to play A. J. Arno. Dexter once again finds himself accidentally benefiting from a happy mistake in the science lab - this time it makes him incredibly strong. So strong that he accidentally breaks his shoe-laces, pulls off door-handles and bends lampposts and such. This amazing discovery leads to one obvious decision being made, the dean approaches a popular breakfast cereal company and agrees to represent them at a televised weight-lifting competition against their main rival.

Vincent McEveety is the director this time around, working from a script by his brother, Joseph L. McEveety, and he keeps things moving along nicely. It's just a shame that the film doesn't have as many enjoyable moments as any of its predecessors. In fact, the group of kids feel as if they're just on the sidelines for most of the time with the focus moving to Joe Flynn having fun as the dean, Phil Silvers as the head of the rival breakfast cereal company and Michael McGreevey being at risk because everyone thinks that he has the details of the formula in his head. Oh, and there is some time spent with A. J. Arno and Cookie (Richard Bakalyan, also returning). But there's very little time actually spent with Dexter, and even less time spent with Dexter AND the gang.

The performances are all well and good, completely in line with the other films featuring these characters, and things never come to a grinding halt but it's not all that exciting either, even when it gets to the big finale of the weight-lifting competition. Perhaps that's due to the knowledge of what happened in the other two movies, perhaps it's due to the knowledge that this is a Disney family movie. Whatever the reason, things wind towards the ending with little sense of excitement and fun. The whole premise feels as if it hasn't been used to its full potential.

Yet don't let the negatives stop you from giving this a watch if it's on the TV and the weather outside is dreadful. There is enough here to make it worth a watch and you almost owe it to yourself to "complete the set" if you've seen any of the other Dexter Riley movies. It's an inoffensive, okay movie. Nothing more and nothing less.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Strongest-World-Region-Import-NTSC/dp/B0000DZTN4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346363021&sr=8-1

Ponyo (2008)

Ponyo is yet another slice of visually stunning, amazingly imaginative, brilliance from the beloved Studio Ghibli and even compared to many of their other movies I'd have to say that this is one of their very best.

Imagine an animated film that mixes a bit of Splash with a bit of Sphere and a bit of Cocoon, with a hint of Aquaman for good measure. That's what Ponyo is.

Things start with someone who looks like a red-heaired David Bowie looking unnaturally comfortable in the depths of the ocean while he does oceanic stuff (not to be confused with Oceanic stuff). A little fish sneaks away and then heads off to meet a little boy from dry land. The little boy (Sosuke) doesn't realise just what powers the little fish has but when Ponyo, for that is the name that the fish takes, licks a cut on the hand of the little boy she starts to change. And that change could mean a lot of trouble as Ponyo is returned to her natural environment and then endeavours to escape in order to meet up once again with Sosuke. The water becomes more and more turbulent, which could affect everyone around Sosuke, especially his seafaring father.

I used to think it was ridiculous when I heard people talking about how Studio Ghibli has put itself in a position to rival, and even overtake, Disney but a film as delightful and gorgeous and constantly inventive as Ponyo reminds me that, yes, there are indeed one of the biggest names in the world of animation today. Watching Ponyo made me think of all of the other little touches that I may not have been as receptive to in other Studio Ghibli movies (with my main concern being whether or not I had underrated the wonderful My Neighbour Totoro - not something I usually consider with a movie that I have given 8/10 to).

The vocal cast all do just fine - I listened to the original Japanese audio and read subtitles although with Studio Ghibli outings you often get an excellent American track and that's also the case here, with people such as Cate Blanchett, Matt Damon, Tina Fey, Liam Neeson, Cloris Leachman, Lily Tomlin and Betty White lending their not inconsiderable talent to the project.

But, as ever with a Studio Ghibli movie, this is all about the visuals and the heart of the story. Staying on just the right side of sweetness, Ponyo has a very cute pair of lead characters in Ponyo and Sosuke as well as a nice supporting cast. The exuberance of the children, oblivious to what trouble may be brewing around them, is well portrayed and raises a number of easy smiles. Hayao Miyazaki is again both the writer and director here and he simply cements his reputation as one of the best artists working in the field today. Every frame here, just like almost every frame in every other movie that he's ever done, can be taken, framed and hung on a wall.

It's a story of the sea, a story of magic and a story of some wonderful childhood times. Ponyo is just one of the best family movies that I've seen in a long time. In fact, I may watch it again right now.

9/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ponyo-Blu-ray-DVD-Combi-Pack/dp/B0032YNDA0/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1346319744&sr=8-3

Lady And The Tramp (1955)

It's very sweet, it has one absolutely iconic scene and it never outstays its welcome but, for some reason, Lady And The Tramp just never makes it right into the top tier of the Disney classics for me. Maybe because it's just a little bit TOO sweet.

The story is all about, of course, Lady and Tramp, two dogs leading two very different lives. Lady (voiced by Barbara Luddy) is a pampered pooch and definitely a part of the family that she lives with while Tramp (voiced by Larry Roberts) spends most of his time avoiding the dog catcher, getting meals from kindly restaurateurs and enjoying a carefree life. When the two get to spend some time together, after an incident that sees Lady removed from the comfort of her home, they soon start getting along very well despite their differences.

Directed by Clyde Geronimi, Wilfred Jackson and Hamilton Luske, Lady And The Tramp is yet another Disney movie that seemed to have as much drama behind the scenes as it did up front (not that hard this time around anyway, there's not much here to compete with the better dramatic scenes that Disney can come up with).

Joe Grant was a problem, due to the fact that it was his original sketches used to develop the story (which was mainly based on "Happy Dan The Whistling Dog" by Ward Greene) without his permission. CinemaScope was a problem, due to the fact that the movie was being made for that format before Walt Disney realised that not all theatres could show movies in that form, forcing him to also have a version of the movie made in the original aspect ratio.
Peggy Lee (who voices a number of characters and sings the classic "He's A Tramp" song, among others) was a problem when she later sued Disney for breach of contract.

But fans of the movie will be happy that it turned out the way it did despite those problems. It's certainly a charming picture, even if most of the characters are somewhat bland and unmemorable (heck, even Lady and Tramp are hard for me to visualise now that the credits have rolled). One standout moment sees the introduction of Si and Am, two Siamese cats out to cause havoc, but the rest of the film is simply okay. I admit that the moment with that shared plate of spaghetti remains one of the sweetest and most romantic images from the movies, animated or live-action, but it's surrounded by a film that's not really up there with the best of the output from the House Of Mouse.

Having said that, it's adorable in the way that puppies are adorable and while it overdoes the sweetness on more than one occasion there are times when it just gets everything perfect and forces you to give in to the urge to say "awwwwww" out loud before catching sight of your own reflection in the mirror and scowling at yourself for being so easily manipulated.

7/10

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Zombies Vs. Strippers (2012)

Missing the boat by a good few years (after previous movies like Zombies! Zombies! Zombies AKA Strippers Vs. Zombies, the really rather good Zombie Strippers! and the more recent Strippers Vs. Werewolves), Zombies Vs. Strippers only has two things going for it in the shape of the gorgeous Adriana Sephora.

If you're wondering what the plot is then . . . . . . . . . . . . you clearly didn't read the title in the post heading. It's zombies vs. strippers, that's all there is to it. Some other people appear to add to the number of potential victims, the owner of the strip club is having money problems and some personalities clash with each other but most of the time things manage to circle back to focus on those zombies vs. strippers.

The script by Kent Roudebush, Nick Francomano and Alex Nicolaou isn't that good and it's not really made any better by Nicolaou's direction. Even at just under 70 minutes - the runtime is listed on IMDb as 75 minutes but that includes the credits, the main content of the movie itself is just under 70 minutes - the film still manages to outstay its welcome. There is some blood on show and some gratuitous nudity, which helps (especially when it shows off the gorgeous Adriana Sephora . . . . . . did I happen to mention that I found her quite attractive?), but nothing that makes up for the lack of proper fun and wit. There's even a lame Michael Jackson gag in there. Good grief, isn't there a sell-by date on those?

I never expected the acting to be any great shakes and, unsurprisingly, it isn't. Circus-Szalewski is okay as the stressed owner of the business, Tanner Horn is slightly irritating as a DJ stuck in his own drugged haze, Adam Brooks is okay as Spike, J. Scott is okay as Marvin the doorman and Brad Potts is the best of the lot as Red Wings, an ex-biker who has done a lot in life to make up for his past sins. Amongst the ladies we have Eve Mauro as Sugar Hills, Victoria Levine as Bambi and Brittany Gael Vaughn as Vanilla. And I may have already mentioned the gorgeous Adriana Sephora as Jasmine.

I know that this review may sound harsh but it's not meant that way, really. Any time that someone comes up with a movie premise that pits a group of attractive and scantily-clad women against dangerous foes I am very receptive to the idea and always want them to do well. They can't all be winners though, and this is a film that can't even drag itself up to an average rating. Despite the presence of, in case I didn't emphasise it enough already, the fine and lovely Adriana Sephora.

4/10

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Kingpin (1996)

Directed by The Farrelly brothers (Bobby and Peter), Kingpin is yet another slice of comedy brilliance from the men who gave the world Dumb & Dumber and There's Something About Mary, to name their two best films. This movie takes the world of ten-pin bowling and adds their usual mix of smart "dumb" gags, gross-out humour and set-pieces to make you laugh out loud.

Woody Harrelson plays Roy Munson, a young man with a great future ahead of him. He can bowl better than anyone else in the game and is on his way to greatness. Until he meets Ernie McCracken (yet another tour de force performance from the great Bill Murray). Ernie talks him into taking part in a money-making scam and things go horribly wrong when the victims demand revenge. Roy loses a hand, which is a big loss for any wannabe bowling champion. Years pass by and Roy becomes one hell of a loser. Things are so bad that his surname is synonymous with taking something potentially great and just turning it all to shit, pardon my language but that is the best way to describe it. His fortunes look up, however, when he finds himself a protege in the form of Ishmael (Randy Quaid). If Roy can convince Ishmael to go along with him on a road trip then they can get to a championship that has a first prize of one million dollars. Ishmael is reluctant to go along as he lives an Amish life and doesn't want to be outcast from the community but circumstances soon change enough to allow the two men to head off. They're soon joined by the gorgeous Claudia (Vanessa Angel) and, of course, "Big Ern" is still acting as if he's the best bowler who ever knocked down some pins. He certainly isn't worried by an Amish lad and some washed-up loser with one prosthetic hand.

Kingpin is, clearly, not for everyone but if you have a healthy sense of humour and aren't easily offended then you will probably find yourself at least having a good chuckle every few minutes. The gags keep flying around so thick and fast that only the most mirthless individuals can fail to have a good time. Even when there aren't clear jokes being made there are constantly amusing performances from the main cast members - Harrelson and Quaid are VERY funny, Vanessa Angel is gorgeous and joins in with all of the fun while Bill Murray steals almost every scene that he's in. There are also great little turns from Chris Elliott, Lin Shaye and Rob Moran.

The script is easily the best thing ever written for cinema by Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan, the soundtrack is lively and fun (gaining extra points for the inclusion of a great E.L.O track - "Showdown") and there are a couple of great montage moments. The Farrelly brothers know just how far to go and then, as usual, go one step further, which is what makes them so great in the field of comedy. The film is ridiculous, but hilariously so, and while I still think that both Dumb & Dumber and There's Something About Mary hold up as better comedies with bigger laughs, I don't argue strongly with anyone who puts this movie above those two.

In comedy terms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it's a strike!

8/10

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27 Dresses (2008)

I can't help thinking whenever I see Katherine Heigl in a movie that she's somehow going out of her way to annoy as many people as possible. She's pretty but also comes over as pretty irritating and, worst of all, she has a knack for picking some of the worst projects that she could work on. Her knack for picking crap is actually uncanny.

In 27 Dresses she plays a young, successful woman named Jane who just loves being the bridesmaid and looks forward to one day when she will be the bride. She loves the joy and celebration of THE BIG DAY and, as you might have guessed, has kept all of her 27 bridesmaid dresses. She also happens to be in love with her boss (played by Edward Burns) but he takes a bit of a shine to her sister (the lovely Malin Akerman) and then there's a writer (James Marsden) who is intent on annoying Jane while also trying to find out more about her.

Directed in a completely by-the-numbers fashion by Anne Fletcher and written by Aline Brosh McKenna, 27 Dresses is the kind of movie that women can easily enjoy without giving too much thought to. But when any thought IS given to it the whole thing starts to look inept and ugly.

The cast have little to no chemistry. I don't really find Heigl that enjoyable to watch onscreen nowadays, after so many poor vehicles, and Edward Burns is inoffensive but has all the charisma of a grain of brown rice. Malin Akerman is usually someone I like but her character here is selfish and unpleasant, making her as unappealing as the others onscreen. James Marsden tries his best, and does well, but there's too much working against him. Thankfully, Judy Greer has fun playing the one decent character who is always fun to see onscreen - she's Jane's friend and gets the few decent lines that the script has.

So what's so inept and ugly about it? Well, the lack of chemistry between anyone makes the forced meetings and interactions feel even more false than usual. The motivations of the characters also, quite frankly, stink on most occasions. If those things don't bother you then take a moment to consider that the central, overriding, message is all about a successful woman with a great life feeling that nothing is complete without her marrying a man. Oh, I know that you can dig around through the layers of various romantic movies (be they comedies or serious films) and find the same, or very similiar, central idea but it's just so horribly blatant here that it's yet another aspect that makes Heigl in the lead role pretty unlikeable. She's a doormat, an easily cajoled and flighty woman who just wants to be a bride. That used to be the only thing that 10-year-old girls would spend their time thinking about back in the 1950s. Times have changed since then, maybe someone needs to tell Anne Fletcher and Aline Brosh McKenna (which is a harsh thing to say because McKenna has written a number of screenplays a LOT better than this sorry effort - but it makes my point).

Then that same person could try to save Katherine Heigl from herself, though I fear it may already be too late.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Chick-Flick-Triple-Dresses-Happens/dp/B0029TQW70/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1345931309&sr=8-3

Now You See Him, Now You Don't (1972)

A fun sequel to the popular Disney film The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, this takes many of the same characters and has fun with some, yep, invisibility.

Kurt Russell is playing Dexter Riley once again and he and his friends are still getting by at school when they're not listening in on the meetings being held by the dean (Joe Flynn, also returning). There's a big science project happening, with students attempting to create something that will win a hefty cash prize for the school, and there's also the return of smooth criminal A. J. Arno (Cesar Romero).

It's a case of "the gang's all here" once again with Russell in the lead role, Robert Butler directing and Joseph L. McEveety handling the writing duties and that's not necessarily a bad film when it comes to undemanding family fare such as this. Kids getting hold of an invisibility formula makes for easy entertainment and Romero plays a great villain. The supporting cast - featuring Joe Flynn, Alan Hewitt, Jim Backus, Michael McGreevey, William Windon, Richard Bakalyan, Joyce Menges and Ed Begley, Jr - all do a good job and they're all likeable enough.

It's light, it's bright and pretty inoffensive and at first I was going to mark the movie down for being a bit . . . . . . . bland. But the more I thought about it, the more I considered what a good time I'd had watching the thing. When Kurt Russell first realises that he's managed to create an invisibility formula it leads to some varied effects and some unbelievable wholesomeness (really, as a teenage boy with an invisibilty formula I know what my first idea would be, sorry but it's true). However, things soon pick up with a great set-piece involving the dean in a game of golf, oblivious to the help that he's receiving. Then it's pretty much non-stop fun as things move towards an extended chase sequence in the third act.

Okay, if you're cynical or just not in the right mood for this film then you can easily pick it apart and sneer at the way in which it aims to just amuse and entertain the whole family but I must have been in the right, receptive, frame of mind for it because I was kept entertained throughout.

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Now-Dont-Region-Import-NTSC/dp/B0000DZTN0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1345847209&sr=8-1

And Soon The Darkness (1970)

Directed by Robert Fuest, and written by Brian Clemens and Terry Nation (familiar to fans of some classic UK TV shows), And Soon The Darkness stars Pamela Franklin and Michele Dotrice as, respectively, Jane and Cathy. The two young girls are enjoying a cycling holiday in France and taking in the sights around them, with Jane enjoying the countryside while Cathy eyes up the men. The two girls argue, however, and Jane heads off to spend some time on her own. When she returns it seems that Cathy is missing. But where is she, who is she with and is she safe? Perhaps Paul (Sandor Eles) can be of help, though he is acting slightly suspicious. Maybe the gendarme (John Nettleton) would be the better option.

Far from a perfect thriller, And Soon The Darkness will be viewed by fans of the genre more as a curio piece than a wholly satisfying piece of work. It certainly starts off feeling like many of the groovy Britflicks that came from the preceding decade but then quickly starts to build up some nice tension and a great evocation of being a stranger in a strange land.

In fact, I'd argue that few films have really nailed that feeling of utter helplessness in a foreign country as this one has. A holiday is about taking in the sights, having fun and using what little language you may know to get by. When an emergency occurs it's made ten times worse by realising just how out of your depth you may be.

The script by Clemens and Nation is okay, the performances aren't bad (Franklin does better than Dotrice while Eles and Nettleton are both very good) and the direction is solid but everything comes together somehow to lift the film from average to pretty damn good. As Pamela Franklin grows more and more panicked and vulnerable, the film really takes hold and it becomes easier and easier to empathise with someone in such a horrible situation.

Of course, the movie is quite dated nowadays (though it was given a decent update with a 2010 remake) and has lost some power but when watching it do try to remember that, even in 1970, travelling abroad was a much bigger deal and a much riskier venture than it is these days. Journeys took a lot longer, there weren't any translation or map apps to help and even just hopping over to France was a big deal and an adventure. The film captures all of that perfectly, and that makes it well worth checking out.

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/And-Soon-The-Darkness-DVD/dp/B000N3T2NU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1345762326&sr=8-1

The Smurfs (2011)

Now, to be fair, I can't remember what The Smurfs were like in their original form. I can't recall the old comics that they appeared in or even the old cartoons. But I do recall enjoying their antics. Having just seen, and been extremely irritated by, The Smurfs, I can only assume that they appealed to me because I was younger and sitting in the target demographic. I may like to stay young at heart but that doesn't always guarantee that I'll enjoy childish things as much as I used to, especially if they're presented in such a poor way.

As well as the little blue folk there is a montage or two, an adult couple all too easily roped in to the proceedings (played by Neil Patrick Harris and Jayma Mays - two people deserving of much better), far too many words replaced by the word "smurf" (e.g. "where the smurf are we?"), an incompetent villain played by Hank Azaria, a number of life lessons and one or two musical moments that are even worse than the usual hits shoehorned into these products. There's also an opening sequence that screams out "look at what we did so that you would be forced to drag the kids to see this in 3D, this is shiny 3D stuff, shiny and 3D and in no way improves the movie in any way but DOES allow everyone to make more money by charging you extra to see it in 3D!!!!!"

The story, as slight as it is, sees the smurfs ending up in New York, pursued by the dastardly Gargamel (Hank Azaria). The little blue folk, inevitably, disrupt the lives of a couple of adults (NPH and Mays) while one half of the couple is also trying to keep his boss (Sofia Vergara) happy and become a better partner for his loved one.

The vocal cast here includes Jonathan Winters as Papa Smurf, Alan Cumming, Katy Perry as the lone Smurfette, Anton Yelchin, George Lopez and some others. They do their bit, with Cumming providing a comedy Scottish brogue that sounds horribly fake even though he IS Scottish.

The script, by a number of people (J. David Stem, David N. Weiss, Jay Scherick and David Ronn), does have one or two decent lines making it clear that it knows how ridiculous the whole thing is but then everything is undone by the by-the-numbers big moments that audiences have already seen, and seen done 10 x better, in many, many other movies.

Director Raja Gosnell does what is asked of him but it's a shame that he couldn't have done something ever so slightly better with the material. A bit more sly wit wouldn't have gone amiss and the movie feels a bit too long, even at just 103 minutes.

Of course, kids will enjoy this a lot more than I did and any children reading this (why the hell would you read this? get outside and get doing kiddie things like playing football and/or vandalising empty homes) should add two or three to my final rating.

I won't be rushing to see the sequel that's already underway and I don't ever want to see this again but it'll please some people. I'd strongly advise most parents, however, to try and distract the kids with something/anything else instead.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Smurfs-Blu-ray-Region-Free/dp/B003TFDUMI/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1345713274&sr=8-2

The Legend Of Drunken Master (1994)

As the years have crept up on him, Jackie Chan has slowed down slightly (though he could still kick my ass in any physical competition without breaking a sweat) and has tried to get involved with different films that don't make quite so many demands on his body. Yet there are many times when you just wish that time would stop and allow Jackie Chan to jump and whirl and punch and kick forever, especially when you catch one of his many, many excellent action movies from his extensive filmography. Movies like Project A, Dragons Forever and Wheels On Meals and many, many others.

Even the earlier Drunken Master is a prime example of Jackie Chan doing what he can do best. Later movies, including those just mentioned above, pile on the stunts and physical prowess to an even greater degree but any one of his earlier films can easily stand as a testament to one of the great physical performers of the last century. Easily.

This movie sees Jackie Chan starring as Wong Fei-Hung, a young man who is skilled in the drunken style of fighting. Basically, as soon as he gets a taste of alcohol he becomes a staggering, sozzled, fighting machine. His skill increases tenfold and he's practically invincible. Unfortunately, this is something frowned upon by his father and so whenever Wong Fei-Hung drinks and kicks ass he gets himself in trouble and brings shame upon the family name. Ling, his stepmother, sees things slightly differently. She thinks that Wong Fei-Hung might just be able to save the day. Even if he has a hangover the day after.

As is usually the case with the better Jackie Chan movies, a lot of the stunts and choreographed fight work here will make your eyes pop out. They are incredible. There's an argument to be made that, before the advancement of the CGI we have today, Jackie Chan was the best special effect available onscreen and it's harder and harder to dismiss that observation as a joke when you see him go through as many acrobatic motions as he does here.

There are others who get to impress with their moves - such as Lung Ti, Anita Mui, Felix Wong, etc - but the best moments come from Jackie Chan, whether they're pure incredible action or great bits of physical comedy.

The screenplay comes from Edward Tang, Man-Ming Tong and Gai Chi Yuen and it does what it needs to do - Chan and co. are placed in peril when they accidentally find themselves in possession of something that doesn't belong to them that is wanted by other people who don't have any real right to it either. Direction comes from Chia-Liang Liu and an uncredited Jackie Chan (who directed the final fight scene after Liu left the film) and hits every beat perfectly. This comes so close to being a perfect action movie, SO close, but the fact that it falls just short of perfection, in my eyes, is a testament to how many great films there are to pick from in this genre.

If you're a fan of martial arts movies then you MUST get this, it's that simple really. Yet another essential viewing choice from the filmography of Mr. Jackie Chan.

9/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Legend-Drunken-Master-Blu-ray/dp/B007BL6316/ref=sr_1_2?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1345558747&sr=1-2

A Trip To The Moon (1902)

The first, chronologically, of the 1001 Movies To See Before You Die that I am going to be making my way through (well, I might stop at 1000 and then see if I gain immortality), A Trip To The Moon, or La Voyage Dans La Lune, is as entertaining and impressive now as it was 110 years ago. Okay, I suppose that audiences who had seen nothing quite like it at the time would have been even more impressed, and may have wondered just what mysterious magic was at work, but this is a short film that anyone can watch at any age in any year and still easily enjoy. The special effects hold up as something a bit special, partly because of the charming and pioneering style but also because they're genuinely very, very good (especially the matte paintings).

The story is loosely based on two popular novels of the time, one by Jules Verne and the other by H. G. Wells, and simply follows a group of astronauts who travel to the moon and find some strangeness there.

Coming from director George Melies, this is a sci-fi film, a surreal adventure and just an all-round cracking yarn. The old style and the content mix to give a dreamlike atmosphere, the technical side of things is very impressive (if you're cynical about how well any film over a century old could hold up then I implore you to watch this and tell me how they did every little trick) and this is the most sprightly 100+ year old character that you may ever see.

Referenced through the years, mainly in a great Smashing Pumpkins video for their song "Tonight, Tonight" and also in the wonderful Hugo, this is one of many classics fully deserving of the title. Watch it, even if you just watch one of the many versions available on YouTube, and love it.

9/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Melies-The-Magician-DVD-NTSC/dp/B0002W17TE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1345536795&sr=8-1